get some hot tar and use a putty knife to plug up your asshole, then crazy glue some chicken wire around the tar and then duct tape it to your ass. you have to wrap the duct tape around your whole body at least 10 times to insure the tar and chicken wire stays put.
Now grab some clamps and clamp you dick shut, also apply duct tape generously to the area to make sure the clamps dont come lose or fall off.
Now for your diet
Breakfast
8 sticks of butter and a box of saltine crackers.
Lunch
1 whole corned beef
1 loaf on WHITE (not whole wheat) wonder bread family pack.
a box of instant mash potatoe mix (not prepared)
it helps to have a glass of heavy cream nearby to coat your throat for the mash potato mix.
Choking on it could be embarrassing.
Dinner
2 jars of penut butter
1 whole cornish hen stuffed with pipe dope (you can substitute the pipe dope with simple elmers glue for a low residue diet)
at least half a gallon of turkey hill mint chocolate chip ice cream
and for dessert 7 bottles of hersheys chocolate syrup and at least 10 oz of red food dye
you are free to snack in between meals, tea with milk and sugar is allowed but no coffee.
repeat this for 6 days
now for a show on the morning of the 7th day grab a whole container of metamucil and mix it with 3 gallons of strong black chilled coffee, eat about 3 boxes of exlax, drink 2 bottles of diet cherry coke.
Now go for a jog. Roughly 5 miles
When you arrive at home climb up to your roof blasting men without hats. you know the song.
(We can dance if we want to, we can leave our friends behind, la la la la you know how it goes.)
now grab your shears and cut off all the duct tape and use some diesel fuel to remove the tar. a butterknife helps to scrape out the extra tar.
now keep looping the song and jjust keep doing crunches to the beat.
Oh yeah and video tape it for the forensic files.
