I'm sick of all the news stations down here complaining about Micheal Jackson. Hate me if you want, but I couldn't stand the guy. Good music or not, he ruined the lives of a few little kids. For that, I feel he got what was coming to him.
I mean, our news reporter down here is a black lady named Denise White. I was sitting at my table, restringing and touching up my guitar, when I hear her voice bump in to the daily judge shows. "Breaking news," she says, clearly disturbed. "A tragic event is currently unfolding in California, please stay with us as more information arrives," her voice cracked, she seemed near tears. I wandered in to the TV room and see a large mansion on the screen. The image slides into a box in the upper left hand corner and Denise White fills the screen. "Micheal Jackson has been confirmed dead," she stutters "In his..." she trailed off and another reporter picked it up, I started clapping then, so I didn't quite catch the rest. I did a small celebration and went to tell the woman the news, she called me a terrible human being for celebrating another human's death. I sort of laughed and brought up Hitler, got yelled at for that, too. Tributes started flooding in to MTV, the Discovery Channel, TLC, VH1 and all the rest. People were sad? How could that be? They're not sad when any other pedophile dies.
I live just a bit south of Tampa, FL. Where Billy Mays suffered a hard landing a day or so after the Micheal Jackson event. I never really cared for the man, in fact, I often laughed at his over the top enthusiasm and general shenanigans, but I've been watching the show "Pitchmen" on Discovery, I even follow him on twitter (Yes, he tweeted!) now. I used to think he was just somebody paid to act happy about a product, so happy it's annoying, but on the show Pitchmen, you could tell he actually cared about the product and wouldn't just slap his name on anything. It's because of Billy Mays that I went out and bought the slider station and use KABOOM! and Oxi-Clean, he's truly improved my life.
When it hit the news on Monday that Billy Mays had passed, I wasn't home. I believe I was out jogging, when I got home, more stuff about Micheal Jackson - Joy. I still chuckle every time I hear an inconsolable fan going "His music changed my life!" through tears and awkward convulsions. It wasn't until almost 8 that night that I heard of Billy Mays' passing, between all the Micheal Jackson bullshit I caught a small 90 second or so briefing on Billy Mays. Then back to MJ, of course. I thought "No, he can't be dead... They just interviewed him yesterday." I jump on the computer and sure enough, he's gone.
I decided that I would honor Mr. Mays in one very, very over the top way. I went around all day yelling, un-shaved and unshakably happy. Dressed in a blue button up and khaki jeans, I went around offering people things they didn't need and probably couldn't use. The woman got a bit angry when I canceled dinner plans with some friends of ours in place for some sliders - Extra sloppy, plenty of ketchup! So much ketchup it was sure to spill on my fancy shirt. I ate so many sliders, my shirt was covered in ketchup. The kitchen coated in grease, condiments and all the rest.
"You're going to clean that up," I was told. I quickly replied:
"Yes I am! With the natural citrus power of Orange-Glo! I'll just cut through this stacked on grease. My shirt's been tarnished by this ketchup, no problem for the stain fighting power of Oxi-Clean! Water all over the kitchen? I'll have it up in one quick sweep with these Zorbeez!"
I think Billy would have liked that.
