There is no reason in particular I'm making this topic. I just felt like going on about my experiences here on NG and in particular my time on the forums.
I remember back in 06 how I wanted to get involved with the NG community more and how my first post was locked for asking a question for which the answer should have been obviously known. It was a hard lesson, but I slowly learned the ins and outs of this place and became more competent in the ways of the forums.
It wasn't long before I got noticed by one of the knights who said I was an ok fighter after they saw me slay the monstrous cows and horses of a menacing farmer who claimed he had done no harm to anyone. No harm my ass. His cows were eating weeds and shit. I mean, who raises thier cattle to do that? War lords in the making that's who! The horses just gave me a sideways look. Anyways, I was offered a chance to serve under the various lords of the realm and train to become a knight one day. They said that my bloodline was involved somehow, but I don't listen to that mumbo jumbo. I just need a sword and a target to hit, preferably defenseless and/or naked.
Whilst training, I came across many other interesting fellows who were also training for the same cause. I made a few friends out of this and a few rivals. To those friends, I say that I humbly wish you all the best in your knightly duties, and to those rivals I say to train hard for our next sparring session or else you will be licking the mud off my boots and the underside of my scrotum in the end.
Getting back to the story, the realm knew a time of peace for a short while. Everyone was happy, well fed, and content. However, it was inevitable that something would go wrong and oh how it did. It started with mass plague sweeping the land and not only making people sick and killing them but also reanimating them into blood thirsty zombies. Now you may be thinking that zombies in this world are a child's tale, but I assure you they are as real as the herpes you got from kissing your mother. They ate anybody they could get their hands on and converted many to the side of evil. I remember the first time I encountered them. I was guarding a lord's caravan when all of a sudden they stumbled out of the brush off the road. Over 20 of them all at once, as if they planned their attacks. Oh yeah and they were raptor zombies. Me and another squire fought our hardest that day and in the end, we brought down the horde, but the lord was gravely injured and died on the way there. My name was disgraced for letting this happen, but seriously if that idiot hadn't decided to run off into the woods where a bunch of them were waiting, like in most zombie movies you see nowadays, then he might have lived to oppress the poor and weak another day.
I was outcasted from the kingdom for this, and I started to wonder what I should do. After many rounds of crappy barrel beer, I decided that the only way to regain my previous status was to go out and find the source of evil, and destroy it, but not before out drinking a baby who was giving me a funny look and blowing snot out of his nose. He kept on crying as I forced the beer down his throat, but dammit, if he want's to be the best at drinking, then his parents should have started him on the alcohol while he was in the womb.
I traveled to many towns where zombie attacks had been reported but they were always gone by the time I arrived. After a few days of this, I came across an old man in one of the towns who told me that he knew where the source of evil was coming from and that it was a cave a few miles from the village.
I made my way there, all the while doing my best to sneak past the pockets of zombie patrols along the way. I did have to kill quite a few regardless, but its not a big deal when you're fighting something that moves so slowly and stops often to have sex with rocks. Finally I saw the mouth of the cave. It just screamed evil with purple smoke flowing out of it and a big neon sign that said 'Evil Zombie Cave' above it. I walked up to it and prepared to go inside but when I was just about to, the ground began to rumble. I nearly lost my footing but I regained my balance just in time to look up and see a mighty zombie robot superboss rise up out of the cave causing rocks and debris to rain down everywhere. I skillfully dodged the rocks by tripping over a log and covering my head all the while screaming "No! Don't hit me daddy!" (Works every time)
I got up to size up my opponent and I quickly concluded he was 50 times my size. Calmly I whipped out my dick...NO I mean I whipped out my balls...NO! Goddamit I hate writersblock! :3 Oh yeah, I whipped out my scimitar which doubles as a trombone and I used that trombone to call my own awesome monster type robot and hopped in. Once I was seated in the robots super comfy command chair I looked at the zombie robot who was busy trying to use nearby trees as a toilet, and I realized that I had never been inside my robot and that there were many different colored flashing buttons. Of course I had no idea what any of these buttons did but I did know that this was a time to be logical and collected, so I mashed my hand against a bunch of the buttons in front of me and almost fell out of my super comfy chair as the robot shifted in an awkward position. I was later told that I had put my robot in breakdance mode, but I wasn't aware of it because I was being bounced around the cockpit like crazy.
My robots ill moves did get the attention of the zombie robot superduperboss however and it came over to either cheer me on or try to kill me (I'm not sure which but either way he probably wanted to fuck me in the end). As a result, it got too close to my robots twirling feet and BAM! got hit square in the face. The mutant zombie robot superduperultraboss was hurled into the air and disappeared from sight with a twinkle in the sky. Luckily for me, the hit spun the robot off balance and caused him to be lying on his side motionless. I got out of the cockpit dazed, bruised, and a little wet in the panties, but ultimately glad to be alive. I collapsed to the ground facing the cave and saw that there was no more smoke coming out and the neon sign was unplugged. This could only mean I had stopped the plague and the zombies.
I returned home to a glorious parade and celebrations full of wine, parties, men, cool plastic swords you put in your drinks, men, bowling, Wendy's combo meals, men, and a chick with a penis.
This all happened last week.
So yeah that's what life has been like here for me on Newgrounds. I'm sure most of it was boring to read, but I hope that appreciation for this place shines like a beacon.
Also for fun, here's a list of people of who I am not.
Slipperymoosecakes, Marty Chang, Zombiesquirrel, Kemcab, killerjeff, 36Hoila, 36Holia, Goldencat.
Peace mah brothers and sisters.
