i'm sure we're all familiar with the anthropomorphic turds that kellogg's use to market their bullshit cereal onto kids. i'll take the time to inform you (the BBS) of this great evil that lurks over our nutritious breakfast.
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tony the tiger: okay, where do i start with this one? well, it's a tiger that eats cereal. now, when is the last time you saw a tiger eat cereal? the whole idea of having animals as mascots for food WE eat is out of place. besides that;
why is tony talking so funny? as if making a tiger talk wasn't bad enough, they gave him a stuttering speech pattern, why? i love how they tried to give him so trait so he can get recognized and loved. stuttering is way cool kellogg's, next time you might want to illuminate the entire appeal of a tiger eating cereal by making him twitch constantly. i'd be fucking HOOKED.
do you people know that commercial where tony plays ice-hockey but ends up getting his ass kicked? later in the commercial he starts sulking until he gets a spoonful of frosted flakes. he goes superman mode, he generates body armor and a weapon like hockey-stick. as if it was popeye getting enchanted, magical spinach or some shit. what's the point? kellogg's doesn't make you an ice-hockey pro, nor does it magically give body armor.
tony the tiger is a fraud, he's an out of place character. and he sucks at being a mascot. i wouldn't mind Tony becoming a mascot of the stuttering league of tigers, but then again; if there would be a stuttering league of tigers, the entire galaxy would collapse under it's own weight and create a giant black hole of stupidity.
toucan sam: oh wow, a BIRD. that can talk and smile. not only does that go against any bird on the planet, sam doesn't seem to give a shit. sam must be on meth or at least something.
toucan sam is pretty hardcore, because he's a toucan. and toucan's are pretty awesome. and that must be the only thing that keeps sam from putting a gun in his bill, talking about his bill. what the fuck is up with it? does he have a severe case of giant-fucking-beak syndrome? i'm surprised he doesn't appear on cereal boxes donning a back brace or having serious neck cramps. holy shit. same probably counts for the other bird that goes coocoo for cocoa puffs. i'm surprised he can skateboard whilst not getting his beak stuck between rails and probably my clenched fist and my heel. yeah, can't be that coocoo now when you have your beak stuck up your own asshole, haha.
dig 'em frog: i'm going to guess this character is supposed to be the 'hip' character to target the ghetto dollar. too bad that frogs are amphibian piss stains and the nearest ghetto they live in is a swamp. or in this case, kellogg's main building.
i don't get why companies try to trigger people into buying cereal on impulse by featuring some stupid, skateboarding frog. skateboarding isn't hip, wearing your baseball cap backwards makes you look stupid. honey smacks are for losers and amphibians.
general mill's lucky charms bastard, lucky: fucking leprechauns.
i understand leprechuans have 'pots of gold'. that's why they're always jolly and shit. but this leprechaun has CEREAL! see the link? i don't. i'd feel pretty pissed off if my peers had pots of gold, and i have cereal. i'd kill myself out of spite because I WANT A POT OF GOLD. but not lucky, nooo. he's fucking ECSTATIC about his pot of cereal. and you can't stop him from smiling like he won the fucking lottery about it. fucking leprechauns. i also hate the slogans, very cute execution of irish dialect. losers.
