TheLameSauce - 8.5/10.
An enjoyable entry and it made good use of what the word limits set, so good work. With particular attention to description, many of the words fitted their purposes wonderfully, whether that would be a general thing, or something more laid-back and jokey. The ending is simple, but it's a victory that's inevitably satisfying; I mean, you have to be sticking up for Ryan of course. I think the interaction between characters was good, but I'm glad dialogue was overall kept to a minimum. I'm aware you had no more room to play with things in this particular contest, but otherwise I would've liked to seen a beginning that amplifies Ryan's feelings after those of the introduction. Other improvements would probably build on top of the ending, turning a seemingly minor victory to a major one maybe.
LinkinInfernus - 5/10.
I think this entry needs to be longer overall. I found it tricky to grasp what I was supposed to be feeling other than what's there. It seemed like it wanted to go deeper, but it was struggling to do so and therefore started floundering a little. I also think it could have done with a quick proof read, as you're almost on the right lines with your lexical choices, but some of the phrases didn't seem to click. The emotional impact of what's there isn't bad, particularly with the two boys. I just believe it's too brief: when some sort of point is trying to be made in that sort of space, it's less effective.
Sonik-Team - 7/10.
An interesting piece that does itself justice with the use of emotion, or lack thereof. Another good point is the narrator's voice and how it communicates some knowledge and experience with prejudice running in the background. However, I also thought that this technique hindered the entry also. I believe your own voice took over that of the narrator at certain points. That's not a bad thing all the time, but at some points here it seemed unnatural, out-of-place given the character's feelings already. It's bleak, bitter, but there are possibly some unlikely assumptions in there. Some of the sentence structures suffered from this too, which while putting an informal hind sighted view on things, it may have been overdone, e.g. leaving out prepositions or pronouns constantly.
FIGMENTUM - 9/10.
The beginning was pulled off well; it hooked me in and kept me going. I'm not always a fan of the diary format, but I think it works here, primarily, I think because its "entries" aren't sequential in their dates. They are organized well, and the appropriate language is used often, most observable in the last section. It's a minor part of the whole thing, but I liked the link with the title too, with the irony. It is believable for the most part also.
SeaBoundRhino - 7/10.
This is possibly something on my part, but the ending felt unfinished. It's certainly got its eerie qualities about it, but what got me about it was that it didn't seem to... well, end adequately. Otherwise, it was quite an enjoyable entry. The opening might be seen as unneeded, but I think it works well enough in a quick piece where that sort of description is best to be kept vague. The middle is intriguing, particularly to how it might enlighten a deeper meaning of itself for the ending. Again, I just wish there was a bit more at the end, perhaps to just bring down its rapid manner. Not too bad at all anyway.
TacticalShoe - 8/10.
An entertaining entry definitely, and it was interesting to see that stream-of-consciousness style of writing ripped to shreds almost here (not to make a link with the entry at all). It was nice to see the character's rather strange thoughts separated by audible interruptions, and he how reacts to those things in his outside world in comparison to how he deals with things in his head. I'm not always one for repeating onomatopoeic qualities in a piece of writing, but given the structure here, I think it worked well enough. The bits I believed to be a bit more problematic revolve around the use of language. It's great that it's informal and playful, as it sounds like how people communicate with themselves mentally, but I think with that in mind, some bits can be cleared up a little. In some cases, it's just a word or a phrase here and there that could be removed possibly, that still maintains a quick and funny way of thinking, but comes off less... artificial, I suppose, a bit less stilted as far as sentence structure goes. An enjoyable entry.
agustana - 5.5/10.
I think what you have written is interesting enough. The emotional aspects of it are quite ambiguous, as I believe is intended, but I also think that makes the thing a bit fuzzy, in that I'm not sure what there is to be taken out of it. Some parts were worded quite well, and some of the alterations between sentences weren't bad; they worked as part of the story. I would liked to have seen more in a few ways, and I think that could be dealt with by changing the relatively basic diary-like sections into sections that run more along the lines of continuous prose, although it's an issue to make them more unique. That might be fussy on my part, targeting a certain part like that, but I still feel there could be more around about this person. I'll admit I smiled at the ending.
Beaudomir - 4.5/10.
I think this could have been written better, technically, with a little more thought going into which ideas, words and phrases are being used. Punctuation is an issue at some points; or rather the lack of it is an issue as far as I saw it. Problems mostly occur in sections in which Andy is thinking to himself. It's not a major issue, but it did disrupt the flow of reading at points. Some of the references didn't seem anywhere also, as if they were just there for no really reason but to add informality, which is hard to pick up here I thought. Regarding the ending, I felt it to be almost anti-climatic... maybe I'm not picking up on a "deeper" part of the entry. You get some plus points from me for having an interesting original idea, but it doesn't seem to grow during the entry. Some of the dialogue is not too bad, but it could be a bit sharper, and used more in tandem with descriptive thought, or something.
blaze-672 - 7/10.
Please double space your paragraphs here! Only indenting like you might normally do doesn't work on these forums unfortunately, not that it had a huge impact on the score: it's just something I note down. I liked some of the language used in this entry, and the description used in the park section was nice. It was good elsewhere too, but this sequence caught my eye. Some of the choices made lexis wise are noticeable. My main criticisms of this entry though, revolve around the story. While obviously it's a short story, it does seem to have a pace that sometimes doesn't match itself, in that it all happens a bit too quickly. The push to extremes for a dramatic ending does seem a little forced in my eyes. It is space that could've played out the emotions of both characters for longer I think. Anyway, not a bad entry, but I feel it could've been less bumpy, if that makes any sense.
EclecticEnnui - 7/10.
A short, but snappy little entry. The tension that is there makes it an interesting read, and I would've really liked to have seen more. It might seem as if there's a risk to over-salting the first half of the story with imagery, descriptive features, and so on. I don't think so myself, and I think the entry could benefit from more on the atmosphere and setting here. I found this ending to be a little abrupt too, which might be alright given the general length anyway, but I think that that tension I pointed out could've been milked for more. On top of the descriptive factors, I think more could've been said about Peter, while also keeping him and his ways in the dark, as was pulled off quite well in the entry. It's enjoyable, but I wanted to read more!