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Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners

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gumOnShoe
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Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-18 22:59:26 Reply

CONTEST: Crunch Time!

This month was about the closest runnings I've seen yet, but I feel thats typical when you have less judges turn in their results. I must apologize of course, but both Evark and I are feeling a tad bit busy lately and I don't know that its fair to make you wait to find out who won, especially since I don't see things letting up soon on my end.

Now, when I say things were close I mean they were as close as they could possibly be.

Figmentum and boloneyman tied for 1st & 2nd place prizes. They will both take home $30 in store credit, as soon as I let Tom know that they won.

Rapemuffin came in a very close 3rd place and will also be getting $30 store credit.

Scribbler and Sonik-Team were hard on their heals and each were a favorite of at least one judge. You both tied as well for 4th and 5th place.

I feel I am partially to blame, as ties tend to be sorted out when more than 3 judges turn in their results, however, I am sure the best stories are represented here.

Close, and certainly worth mentioning, the following users all displayed excellent skills in story telling. These users get the honorable mentions:

ElecticEnnui
Gagsy
TheLameSauce
blackedatch
Sentio
Letters

All contestants that placed 1th-5th should be covered for recordings of their stories, though again thats up to the recorders how that's handled.

Available Vocal Talent:
Fyndir
TacticalShoe
Igott

And others... Feel free to volunteer your services. :)


Newgrounds Anthology? 20,000 Word Max. [Submit]

Music? Click Sig:

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blakedatch
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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-18 23:09:46 Reply

Well, it's awesome to get honorable mention. Congrats to all the winners, and thank you to the judges and gumOnShoe for running this. I wish you could've judged, but life comes first obviously. I also want to thank TheLameSauce for his very helpful comments, and I thank everyone else who has commented on my piece. Now, before I sound like I'm making a winning speech, I'm off to the next contest.

TacticalShoe
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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-18 23:13:23 Reply

Good work all around, guys.

I tried something knew with my entry and I was proud of it, so I got something good out of this as well.


I'm gonna go back to my room and be awesome.
Desert Punk of the NG /A/|My VA Demo Reel|Audio Portal|

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Sevkat
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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-18 23:15:42 Reply

Awesome, great job.
Thumbs up.
Yeah.


==I LOVE YOU. EBOLA-CHAN! GOOD LUCK, EBOLA-CHAN! WE'RE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU, EBOLA-CHAN!==

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-18 23:22:31 Reply

Congrats to the winners. I'm happy with these results, congrats to winners and runners up alike.

yep, good job guys.

READ: "A Fear of Great Heights" and other forthcoming adventures right HERE
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TheLameSauce
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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 08:14:57 Reply

cool beans. congrats to the winners. and gOS, thanks for turning in the results. good luck with your life endeavors.

Podburrys
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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 08:21:00 Reply

Congratulations to the winners! Out of curiousity, any idea what the next theme is? Or when it starts? :P


;){____/| Anime Reviews /|\ Actually an '06er /|\ New Short Story! More to come. |\ ____}(;

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 08:21:43 Reply

Congrats to the winners, GoS, how did the interviews go?


If you are reading this, it means I have posted. Whether or not I am still posting, this has left its mark, for many years to come.

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 08:27:12 Reply

Darn, still can't scribble well. Oh well, if only I was more liked among BBS politics then I'd be a much better scribbler.


This too will pass.
Memento mori

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<deleted>
Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 09:16:24 Reply

Here are my scores and basic comments. Entries severely under or over the limits are not included here. These comments might not be helpful: they might be completely useless, but on the off-chance you do find them helpful, here they are.

Some entries don't have comments (and some are shorter than others). If your entry is subject to this and you want comments, just say.

Right...

NimbleElephant - 3/10.

I had trouble deciding whether the overall message of your entry was intended to be ironic on certain levels, with the final line providing a bit of evidence of this being true. As a result, I think there was little to be taken out of it: it didn't seem to really express anything about much. In regards to writing technique, I think questions were overused to show the character's uncertainty about the little things he picks up on. Instead of the questions continually coming up in the character's mind, I think more space could have gone into detail on how the character sees things, rather than what he is seeing, what he is going to do, etc. On the bright side, the narrative was clear, in that it was identifiable. I just wish it wasn't so stuffy and constant, which again, can be related back to detail I think.

Maximus - 5/10.

The beginning uses the sadness of the character relatively well to paint the picture, as the ending uses hate to draw the entry to a close. I think there may be a danger with this entry, in that the emotion could be seen as too suffocating, in that its communication is quite relentless with various images. As a result, the horror that the character might face may be hard to believe to the reader, who might see what's there as, as someone I know might say, an overdone "gloom-and-doom" tactic. There was indeed relief with the masturbation bit, but it seemed forced in that way, as much as it does say something about the character. I think the ending was interesting enough, and gave an open, uneasy conclusion.

Letters - 6/10.

The content was well chosen and worked upon. It's a common subject, youth pride and all, but that's not a bad thing at all as much as some might say otherwise. There was a sufficient amount of drama to convey that as the final moments close in, so I was pleased with that. As essential as competition is to the story, I wasn't so sure about the repetition of the height and weight: it didn't really add much, and might've worked better under smaller references within the paragraphs themselves. Maybe I'm nitpicking there, but it did disrupt the flow still. I think there could've been more leading up to the game itself, just to emphasise the drama and pride, which would've in turn aided the ending further.

Sentio - 7.5/10.

I think the space available was used well, with some interesting imagery selected, with some good lexical choices made to illustrate the feelings of the entry. I'm also happy to see the brief glimpses of the so-called back-story being more uplifting and full of spirit, because that works better than simply describing misery alone. Without it, I think there might have been a danger of overusing the negativity for effect. I'm in two minds about the stair sequences, and ending: as with all nightmare/dream sequences, they were used not so badly against the down-to-Earth quality of the whole thing. At the same time, the ending has an ambiguity that, while not bad, might have been more effective if it had more room to breathe (which obviously, would have called for a sacrifice of an earlier section unfortunately); I just might've preferred a more solid conclusion. Not a bad entry at all.

thebogmonster - 2/10.

No comments unless requested.

BetaOrionis - 5/10.

It was light-hearted, and it made me giggle if I'm honest. The informality fits the entry well, and the dialogue was used well and eased off into the mental segments nicely. What prevents the entry from getting a higher score? The ending or lack thereof! You've hooked me, now reel me in so to speak. I can see where you might be going with the overall point obviously, but I would've liked to have it spelt out for me in this case. I think then there could've been less dialogue and more of that mental style, which could've been used more.

Chzz - 5.5/10.

I'm aware you're not a native English writer, so I encourage you to keep learning, because this short and sweet entry isn't too bad at all. Parts of it are desperate for more detail, a bigger picture of the old man maybe. The overall point is communicated regardless though, so I'm happy with that. The last section especially is good. I can just say keep working on your English skills so you can work through what's there, and add more!

keslar - 5/10.

The little punch line at the end wasn't the best, but it did somehow fix some problems with the rest of the entry. To begin with, I was concerned with how the jumping timeframes would prove effective, and I'm not sure now if there's enough in them now to really feed the joke. What you have pulled off though is the jabs that the reader might get upon a second reading, so that's good. I just would've liked to have seen more in the run-up to the punch line, so that the ending could've had a hyperbolic quality about it, which might have made it funnier. What's there though isn't too bad, with some good words chosen to contrast with the revelation.

Sawdust - 7/10.

I think the content was chosen well, especially to start with. I think the beginning is stronger than the middle, with the ending accepting second place position. It's obvious that, with the middle, you're playing around with the chosen contest theme, and that's not really a bad thing. I think instead though, that despite the overall uneasiness of the section after the accident but before the war, the scene can be played out as paced as the beginning, rather than attacking us quickly. The paragraph starting with a series of rhetorical questions particularly could be smartened a little through this method I think. Otherwise, I think it's a pretty good entry. Some might say the ending was a bit too quick, but I think it was fine, and goes together with... well, the point of the whole entry. I would advise for next time though, to go over what you've written once or twice more, and see if any words and phrases can be changed to be more effective.

imdead-goaway - 7/10.

Firstly, I'd just like to point out that the entry might have benefitted from more double-spaces in how it's posted: ideas can be structured so still, but for a few reasons, I tend to prefer double-spacing between paragraphs, rather than general sections. Anyway, that's nitpicking. I thought it was a nice, quick piece that was boosted quite well in the imagery department with the use of roses. This is one of those entries where I just would've liked to have seen more, as it's a complex situation with an explanation can't be done too much justice at a shorter length. What's there isn't bad at all. It's not over-stimulating on the senses, nice and mild there. Towards the beginning, I was questioning some of the sentence structure used. That's the sort of the thing that can be played around with either. Again, my bottom line is... it just needs more!

<deleted>
Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 09:17:29 Reply

TheLameSauce - 8.5/10.

An enjoyable entry and it made good use of what the word limits set, so good work. With particular attention to description, many of the words fitted their purposes wonderfully, whether that would be a general thing, or something more laid-back and jokey. The ending is simple, but it's a victory that's inevitably satisfying; I mean, you have to be sticking up for Ryan of course. I think the interaction between characters was good, but I'm glad dialogue was overall kept to a minimum. I'm aware you had no more room to play with things in this particular contest, but otherwise I would've liked to seen a beginning that amplifies Ryan's feelings after those of the introduction. Other improvements would probably build on top of the ending, turning a seemingly minor victory to a major one maybe.

LinkinInfernus - 5/10.

I think this entry needs to be longer overall. I found it tricky to grasp what I was supposed to be feeling other than what's there. It seemed like it wanted to go deeper, but it was struggling to do so and therefore started floundering a little. I also think it could have done with a quick proof read, as you're almost on the right lines with your lexical choices, but some of the phrases didn't seem to click. The emotional impact of what's there isn't bad, particularly with the two boys. I just believe it's too brief: when some sort of point is trying to be made in that sort of space, it's less effective.

Sonik-Team - 7/10.

An interesting piece that does itself justice with the use of emotion, or lack thereof. Another good point is the narrator's voice and how it communicates some knowledge and experience with prejudice running in the background. However, I also thought that this technique hindered the entry also. I believe your own voice took over that of the narrator at certain points. That's not a bad thing all the time, but at some points here it seemed unnatural, out-of-place given the character's feelings already. It's bleak, bitter, but there are possibly some unlikely assumptions in there. Some of the sentence structures suffered from this too, which while putting an informal hind sighted view on things, it may have been overdone, e.g. leaving out prepositions or pronouns constantly.

FIGMENTUM - 9/10.

The beginning was pulled off well; it hooked me in and kept me going. I'm not always a fan of the diary format, but I think it works here, primarily, I think because its "entries" aren't sequential in their dates. They are organized well, and the appropriate language is used often, most observable in the last section. It's a minor part of the whole thing, but I liked the link with the title too, with the irony. It is believable for the most part also.

SeaBoundRhino - 7/10.

This is possibly something on my part, but the ending felt unfinished. It's certainly got its eerie qualities about it, but what got me about it was that it didn't seem to... well, end adequately. Otherwise, it was quite an enjoyable entry. The opening might be seen as unneeded, but I think it works well enough in a quick piece where that sort of description is best to be kept vague. The middle is intriguing, particularly to how it might enlighten a deeper meaning of itself for the ending. Again, I just wish there was a bit more at the end, perhaps to just bring down its rapid manner. Not too bad at all anyway.

TacticalShoe - 8/10.

An entertaining entry definitely, and it was interesting to see that stream-of-consciousness style of writing ripped to shreds almost here (not to make a link with the entry at all). It was nice to see the character's rather strange thoughts separated by audible interruptions, and he how reacts to those things in his outside world in comparison to how he deals with things in his head. I'm not always one for repeating onomatopoeic qualities in a piece of writing, but given the structure here, I think it worked well enough. The bits I believed to be a bit more problematic revolve around the use of language. It's great that it's informal and playful, as it sounds like how people communicate with themselves mentally, but I think with that in mind, some bits can be cleared up a little. In some cases, it's just a word or a phrase here and there that could be removed possibly, that still maintains a quick and funny way of thinking, but comes off less... artificial, I suppose, a bit less stilted as far as sentence structure goes. An enjoyable entry.

agustana - 5.5/10.

I think what you have written is interesting enough. The emotional aspects of it are quite ambiguous, as I believe is intended, but I also think that makes the thing a bit fuzzy, in that I'm not sure what there is to be taken out of it. Some parts were worded quite well, and some of the alterations between sentences weren't bad; they worked as part of the story. I would liked to have seen more in a few ways, and I think that could be dealt with by changing the relatively basic diary-like sections into sections that run more along the lines of continuous prose, although it's an issue to make them more unique. That might be fussy on my part, targeting a certain part like that, but I still feel there could be more around about this person. I'll admit I smiled at the ending.

Beaudomir - 4.5/10.

I think this could have been written better, technically, with a little more thought going into which ideas, words and phrases are being used. Punctuation is an issue at some points; or rather the lack of it is an issue as far as I saw it. Problems mostly occur in sections in which Andy is thinking to himself. It's not a major issue, but it did disrupt the flow of reading at points. Some of the references didn't seem anywhere also, as if they were just there for no really reason but to add informality, which is hard to pick up here I thought. Regarding the ending, I felt it to be almost anti-climatic... maybe I'm not picking up on a "deeper" part of the entry. You get some plus points from me for having an interesting original idea, but it doesn't seem to grow during the entry. Some of the dialogue is not too bad, but it could be a bit sharper, and used more in tandem with descriptive thought, or something.

blaze-672 - 7/10.

Please double space your paragraphs here! Only indenting like you might normally do doesn't work on these forums unfortunately, not that it had a huge impact on the score: it's just something I note down. I liked some of the language used in this entry, and the description used in the park section was nice. It was good elsewhere too, but this sequence caught my eye. Some of the choices made lexis wise are noticeable. My main criticisms of this entry though, revolve around the story. While obviously it's a short story, it does seem to have a pace that sometimes doesn't match itself, in that it all happens a bit too quickly. The push to extremes for a dramatic ending does seem a little forced in my eyes. It is space that could've played out the emotions of both characters for longer I think. Anyway, not a bad entry, but I feel it could've been less bumpy, if that makes any sense.

EclecticEnnui - 7/10.

A short, but snappy little entry. The tension that is there makes it an interesting read, and I would've really liked to have seen more. It might seem as if there's a risk to over-salting the first half of the story with imagery, descriptive features, and so on. I don't think so myself, and I think the entry could benefit from more on the atmosphere and setting here. I found this ending to be a little abrupt too, which might be alright given the general length anyway, but I think that that tension I pointed out could've been milked for more. On top of the descriptive factors, I think more could've been said about Peter, while also keeping him and his ways in the dark, as was pulled off quite well in the entry. It's enjoyable, but I wanted to read more!

<deleted>
Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 09:18:55 Reply

yurgenburgen - 4/10.

I'll be honest, I laughed. In fact, I think I laughed too much at some points, so I'm now a little worried about myself. I don't believe this is the first time I've read one of your efforts in the "bizarre kids" subgenre, so keep on improving for a big payoff some day! I actually found this entry to be quite well-written at this stage, with some decent words being chosen to fit the themes and some healthy experimentation with sentences. If I believed such an incident could "easily be real" (bearing in mind that I'm an optimistic regarding today's social issues here), then I'd probably give it a higher score possibly, haha.

Aci6 - 7.5/10.

A short emotive piece with some good uses of imagery, particularly regarding colour, that old favourite. I liked the way the cigarette and its smoke were used to, and the connotations of those particular things succinctly fit in to the themes of the story. This is one of those cases however, where I would've loved to have seen more. It risks suffocating the reader for much longer, and the slimness of the entry does speak something for the story, but it starts well and ends so quickly. I did like the ending though, with one particularly smart case of word choice there.

Somepurson - 7/10.

Not a bad entry at all, with the main points of feeling no feeling and of rejection being communicated in a disturbingly realist sort of way, almost with a publicly willing laissez-faire towards the main character being in operation. The lack of reason for some actions and the decision to not show the origins of some feelings is a careful one, that isn't too bad a lot of the time. Other times however, I thought I might be overcome with negative feeling, which works for the entry on some levels, but the lack of even the mildest elaboration in some areas makes it a little stuffy. I thought the death was handled reasonably well for a short story. I've seen much worse in that field, so that's a good job.

Ocean - 1.5/10.

I'm not sure if there's much I can say on this. Nice use of, erm, pop culture references throughout.

FortressRubbish - 4.5/10.

No comments unless really requested!

themanthelegend - 7.5/10.

The emotion is used quite well: the actions used by each character to display their feelings are described decently, and they have their own effect on what the short entry means. I think the length is just about right here to put across what you want to communicate actually. It risks going mouldy if it was to go on any longer, so it's controlled quite well in contrast to the emotion, as cheesy as that sounds. I think the ending, while I can make a guess that you chose to play it out like you did for a reason, could have been utilised to a greater effect if it had remained at a medium pace, rather than exploding at the end. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but I wouldn't have minded seeing the ending (in particular) beefed up just slightly.

jmalouin7 - 7/10.

Not a bad entry and it scores some points on the heartbreaking scale for sure. I would've thought the most frightening thing about the entry is how much I can associate it to reality, and for that reason, I can see more into the characters. My main fault with the entry was over-simplicity in some places, which unfortunately curbs the reader's desire to care for the characters. How close the characters are to each other is stated towards the beginning, but the effects of that are sadly kept a little more in the dark, I think. There is rightfully more emphasis on the harder bits, but working together with the other sections, I believe the effect on the reader could well have been maximised.

WritersBlock - 7.5/10.

A short piece with some techniques used that are definitely interesting given the situation. There's obviously the belligerent repetition found throughout this one, and the constant presence of the pronouns, both of which I was able to pick up on technically and enjoy well enough. I can tell there's a reason for the very short length, and the one thing about insomnia is that it goes stale for all involved. Apart from the phone though, I would've liked to see more imagery that the character physically picks up on to question and torment himself mentally and spiritually. It would've dragged on the entry possibly, but the topic at hand is one of those that indeed drag things on, hmm...

4urentertainment - 5.5/10.

The use of an epigraph is a clever one, and it's obviously very relevant to the message and themes of the entry. I think the road to the ending of the story was the most enjoyable part, with what you aimed to show coming out in moderate force. My main issues with this one revolve around, as you actually flagged up at the start, how easily and simply it could happen. I can see what you what you want to say, but I worry that the backdrop you've chosen is too big for the constraints of the story. The dangers of using such a large situation in this case are that the details are oversimplified. What's there written isn't bad, but it seems in some cases to be a little systematic. My advice would be, if you were to attempt a similar style, to focus on certain areas where you can explore a bit more while keeping up the prevalence of the overall message.

Gagsy - 7.5/10.

To begin with, I wasn't sure about this one. I had a few mixed feelings on how the obsession was set up, but I think the decision to start with small snapshots of the character's seemingly dead-end life in work was a good one. Call me prejudice here, but I do often tend to cast a doubtful eye whenever the Internet is used a significant plot device, but any opinion I might have formed as a consequence of that was partially reversed by the way that the obsession plays out (I wasn't always entirely happy with it, but it carried the story out well enough). I was especially pleased with the ending, however wrong that might sound. I'm not sure if it was always deliberate, but I saw some clever parallels with a "typical" romance story in the lexical choices particularly; that saved the story for me. I just feel that the middle sections perhaps needed a little more touching up and easing the flow if you see what I mean.

ShortMonkey - 5/10.

My issue with this entry is just it largely comes off as simply a series of bad experiences without much notice to realism or background. It seems as if all of these are irrational; they just seem to lack reason. I'm thinking that the entry could benefit from a first-person narrative voice rather than a supposedly neutral third-person voice. It wouldn't be as basic, but there's obviously a risk of overplaying emotion there. I also believe that the ending was sloppy, and the entry might have received an overall higher score from me if the ending was improved. Using short, snappy sentences to describe revelations can pay off at times, but I don't think so here; they just seem to add to the "disaster" factors of the story. I'm just thinking overall that if I cared for Dale and the characters a bit more, I'd be happier with the ending. What's good about the entry however, is that the emotion aroused by the presence of the father is quite well done.

<deleted>
Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 09:20:58 Reply

gamerpeepinpa - 6.5/10.

A short entry that a part of me wishes there was more to see of, and another part feels that its length is justified. The short piece's main strengths are in imagery, and there's a fair amount of that going on for such a brief entry. Other parts of the story I picked up are more subtle. I think they're alright, again thinking that they would be more obvious if the entry was longer. As with others before, the main message of a dead-end life can be somewhat of a weakness in that, well, nothing really happens. It works fine for a brief descriptive piece like this I suppose... but I'm still a little torn though. What's there is not bad though.

Snake-Arsenic - 3.5/10.

I found one or two of the references quite funny, and I think I can see where you might have picked a few of the ideas up from. Otherwise, I just thought this was too hyperbolic, and didn't really make much sense as a result. I tried getting into each section... but I couldn't really do it. I'll leave the comments there for now. More can be requested as always.

TheKekeMaster - 4.5/10.

I'm not sure about the structure. It's a story that's being told, yes, but the style chosen does, in my opinion, self-inflict some damage onto it. I have a feeling that if it were written as a standard story, putting the plot into account, I would've given this a higher score. As interesting as it is in this case to go for an alternative style, the restrictions that style actually imposes threaten to do more harm than good to your entry. There are considerations that I give kudos for, even though I'm not always fond of them here. I also advise that you proof-read what you've written, as this entry has a few errors here and there. It's nitpicking, but it can disrupt the reading nonetheless.

boloneyman - 9/10.

I enjoyed this entry for quite a few reasons. The themes and the images used to represent those themes are all nicely interconnected with one another, almost eerily in some cases, but that's a sign of some decent consideration. I don't need to explain specifically which images I liked, but the way they came together is what impressed me. The length is decent, and I'm glad you decided to lay off masses of dialogue. There's not much else for me to say: I liked it.

JustFrosty - 4.5/10.

Not that bad an entry, but there were some things I picked up on in a bad way. As much as it brings character to the story, the first person perceptions that the character dreamed up seemed a little too constant. I think they're a nice touch, but only if they're really used in tandem with descriptions of reality. I thought the dialogue between the main character and the lunch lady was a bit rusty too... I'm not sure, there just didn't seem to be that much meaning in it if you get me. It's as if they're speaking without emotion. The ending had some similar problems. I might've preferred a longer sequence to draw the incident out; though I'm aware you had no room to play around with that for the purposes of this contest. The story idea isn't a bad one, but I think it can be attacked more on maybe a few different fronts and less so on others.

blakedatch - 8.5/10.

An interesting story to say the least. Although not a pleasant entry at heart, some of the pictures used to discuss certain ideas where entertaining in a slightly more fun way. The dialogue was used well to force out certain aspects of the characters, and the same applies for the consistent monitoring with how they move, react, etc. rather than just what's going on. I'm in two minds on the ending and how you've chosen to close the story. The images, once again, work well with the setting, but the connotations of it all seem a little rigid, obvious. I suppose I was gearing myself up for a more emotional conclusion, but at least the entry didn't fall into the various traps that can pop up there. A good entry.

Lost-Chances - 7/10.

I've given this some comments already as you know, so I'll leave this unless you ask for some more. It's not bad though.

jucama - 4/10.

I'm not entirely sure this fulfils the requirements of this contest, if I'm being honest, and my score is low partially as a result; my comments will be brief unless you ask for more. Again, if I'm being honest, the entry confused me and some of the lexical choices made seemed slightly inappropriate at times to the setting and situation. The dialogue seemed a little thin also, though I'm aware it's only a brief piece in comparison.

SprintT - 5.5/10.

Some of the ideas on writing there are quite... well; they're typically postmodern in some areas. It's an interesting topic to write about anyway, a lack of reason in various areas of life. It's just a little short for me, as relevant as that might be to the overall message of the story, and I think what's already there needs to be built up. The main points are down though, what with the repetition of the word "digression" (it's a technique that I'm not always big on, but it's fair enough here). The informality is something I think can be improved through changing the language slightly in some areas, to maintain the tone you want without falling into a trap of extremes. Finally, just a note: I don't know what constitutes a "sensitive writer type"... but let's just say I might have a quibble regarding the kind of person I'm thinking of being "interesting"!

shadow1124 - 7.5/10.

I had some doubts about how this entry would work to begin with. I've read short stories in the past that use IM conversations as their stage for dialogue sequences and it's not worked well at all. However, I think this works well enough: the tone is accurate and the feelings are as expressible as they can be in IM format. It's helped by the non-dialogue sections too, which share the informal personal emotion that automatically exists in an IM setting. I'm glad it doesn't go too over-the-top too, it's no disaster zone. Scoring this was actually surprisingly tricky, but I think the entry can be improved in areas to help us learn about the main character. There's a fair bit of room left for it, and I think keeping the entry out of the realms of over-abundant catastrophes is still possible, so long as it remains largely light-hearted. Not a bad entry at all.

Scribbler - 7/10.

There is some good writing technically in this entry, with some ideas popping up now and then. I did actually have a problem following the story and what was going on. I felt the development of that to be stiff and some points, if you know what I mean. The gist of certain sequences was easy enough to pick up, but otherwise, there might have been not enough description to inform me, the reader, what was going on. As I said, the ideas are there, but I think more needs to be done with them. I'm aware that for the purposes of this contest, you have no room at all to work with on top of what's there, but I think some sections can be changed to add more into areas that are begging for it. The score I gave was almost slightly lower, but I see what you're trying to convey, which I think is the big plus point here.

RapeMuffin - 8/10.

My only major problem with the entry was the possible stuffiness of the narrative, which does indeed fit the intoxicated voice, but also risked falling into a trap of droning as I read it... if that makes sense. The reader knows from the start that it's unlikely the story's going to have a happy ending, and this was one of those slightly rare cases where I was hoping for an ending of indifference. When I thought it was safe, I was proved wrong, and I think that shows some effective writing, no matter what I personally felt. There was some interesting language with this, some of which I think went either way, but it's still worth noting. I'm not sure, maybe I'm asking for improvements that can't exist here... anyway, a good entry once again.

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 09:37:01 Reply

At 6/19/09 09:16 AM, Scarab wrote: Sawdust - 7/10.

Aww gee, thanks.

I'll gladly put this advice to use then! Thanks!

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 09:42:49 Reply

At 6/19/09 09:18 AM, Scarab wrote: WritersBlock - 7.5/10.

A short piece with some techniques used that are definitely interesting given the situation. There's obviously the belligerent repetition found throughout this one, and the constant presence of the pronouns, both of which I was able to pick up on technically and enjoy well enough. I can tell there's a reason for the very short length, and the one thing about insomnia is that it goes stale for all involved. Apart from the phone though, I would've liked to see more imagery that the character physically picks up on to question and torment himself mentally and spiritually. It would've dragged on the entry possibly, but the topic at hand is one of those that indeed drag things on, hmm...

Thanks for the feedback, even though you weren't required as a judge to go over my entry. I'm glad to know what you thought of it, and yeah, its length and lack of detail definitely could have used a big 1 up there. :)


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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 10:19:55 Reply

Thanks for the reviews judges :) Sorry that you didn't quiet like what I submited but thats what you got, ha.
Scarab -- Thanks
Mono -- I'll take your advice into account about the extremes
Writersblock -- glad you liked it

Until next time :D


<"Clusterfuck of ideas heading nowhere... " Writersblock

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 11:04:05 Reply

Well, I feel left out.


The Problems of the Future, by Everyone!

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 11:21:07 Reply

Oh yeah, and I don't believe I congratulated the winners and honourable mentions before, firstly due to lack of space, and then... by rude forgetfulness I suppose.

So congratulations to all. It's been fun, and hopefully we can all improve through the feedback and all that. I'll look forward to next month's contest.

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 18:04:15 Reply

At 6/19/09 09:17 AM, Scarab wrote:
TacticalShoe - 8/10.

An entertaining entry definitely, and it was interesting to see that stream-of-consciousness style of writing ripped to shreds almost here (not to make a link with the entry at all). It was nice to see the character's rather strange thoughts separated by audible interruptions, and he how reacts to those things in his outside world in comparison to how he deals with things in his head. I'm not always one for repeating onomatopoeic qualities in a piece of writing, but given the structure here, I think it worked well enough. The bits I believed to be a bit more problematic revolve around the use of language. It's great that it's informal and playful, as it sounds like how people communicate with themselves mentally, but I think with that in mind, some bits can be cleared up a little. In some cases, it's just a word or a phrase here and there that could be removed possibly, that still maintains a quick and funny way of thinking, but comes off less... artificial, I suppose, a bit less stilted as far as sentence structure goes. An enjoyable entry.

Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it. In terms of the language, I'm very glad that you said something because I had been wondering myself if the language style was too informal or if that I could edit it down a little bit and still have the story make sense.

Again, thank you for the review, I'll use it to make myself much better for the next contest.


I'm gonna go back to my room and be awesome.
Desert Punk of the NG /A/|My VA Demo Reel|Audio Portal|

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 18:51:50 Reply

At 6/18/09 10:59 PM, gumOnShoe wrote: Rapemuffin came in a very close 3rd place and will also be getting $30 store credit.

Wow - I am honestly shocked. I felt like my story was lacking in a number of ways, as some users helpfully pointed out, and didn't think in a million years I would place. Thanks for the votes of confidence and the feedback, guys!

At 6/19/09 09:20 AM, Scarab wrote: RapeMuffin - 8/10.

My only major problem with the entry was the possible stuffiness of the narrative, which does indeed fit the intoxicated voice, but also risked falling into a trap of droning as I read it... if that makes sense. The reader knows from the start that it's unlikely the story's going to have a happy ending, and this was one of those slightly rare cases where I was hoping for an ending of indifference. When I thought it was safe, I was proved wrong, and I think that shows some effective writing, no matter what I personally felt. There was some interesting language with this, some of which I think went either way, but it's still worth noting. I'm not sure, maybe I'm asking for improvements that can't exist here... anyway, a good entry once again.

Thank you for the review Scarab. I realize that the story feels a bit repetitive and long-winded in places, and I do apologize.

As for the ending being predictable, I didn't really see that - especially since I didn't know how it was going to end until I wrote the last sentence haha. The entire time I was writing, I had a final scene in the back of my mind that involved the driver making it home and crawling into bed - but once I was nearing the end, I just felt like it would make the entire narrative too meaningless.

So I decided to throw a curve ball in there at the end - a cheapshot, I know. I felt like the character was only concerned about the legal and moral ramifications of drunk driving - that having the unmentioned "mortal danger" aspect of drunk driving show up at the very end would be interesting and surprising.

Personally, when speeding, I am always much more concerned about being caught by a cop and getting a ticket than dying from my dangerous driving habits. Both are possible, yet only the lesser consequence is considered. I feel like most people don't fully consider the perilous nature of their actions, and this story is just one instance in which that mortal danger finally catches up to the unsuspecting person.

Anyway - enough rambling.

Thank you Scarab and Writers for the reviews.
Thanks to the judges who took the time and scored each work.
Much love to the voice actors for volunteering their services.
Thank you Tom for the store credit.
Thanks GumOnShoe for organizing yet another successful writing competition.


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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 20:53:20 Reply

At 6/19/09 09:20 AM, Scarab wrote: shadow1124 - 7.5/10.

I had some doubts about how this entry would work to begin with. I've read short stories in the past that use IM conversations as their stage for dialogue sequences and it's not worked well at all. However, I think this works well enough: the tone is accurate and the feelings are as expressible as they can be in IM format. It's helped by the non-dialogue sections too, which share the informal personal emotion that automatically exists in an IM setting. I'm glad it doesn't go too over-the-top too, it's no disaster zone. Scoring this was actually surprisingly tricky, but I think the entry can be improved in areas to help us learn about the main character. There's a fair bit of room left for it, and I think keeping the entry out of the realms of over-abundant catastrophes is still possible, so long as it remains largely light-hearted. Not a bad entry at all.

Oh wow. Thanks for the feedback. For my first entry, I'm content with how this turned out. It's not perfect, but with the feedback I've gotten so far, I think I can improve on future entries.

Congrats to the winners and I'll definitely try again for this month's contest. I have something with a little more bite to it and hopefully it will make waves. Cheers to everyone!

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 20:57:12 Reply

Oh, before I forget, thanks for the feedback Mono. Something tells me you weren't fond of it, but I appreciate the notes. I think my June entry takes what you've told me more to heart than my May did, but we'll see.

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 21:00:56 Reply

At 6/19/09 09:18 AM, Scarab wrote:
Ocean - 1.5/10.

I'm not sure if there's much I can say on this. Nice use of, erm, pop culture references throughout.

I really thought I had this one in the bag.

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 22:02:05 Reply

At 6/19/09 09:17 AM, Scarab wrote: EclecticEnnui - 7/10.

A short, but snappy little entry. The tension that is there makes it an interesting read, and I would've really liked to have seen more. It might seem as if there's a risk to over-salting the first half of the story with imagery, descriptive features, and so on. I don't think so myself, and I think the entry could benefit from more on the atmosphere and setting here. I found this ending to be a little abrupt too, which might be alright given the general length anyway, but I think that that tension I pointed out could've been milked for more. On top of the descriptive factors, I think more could've been said about Peter, while also keeping him and his ways in the dark, as was pulled off quite well in the entry. It's enjoyable, but I wanted to read more!

Thank you. Maybe I actually should've written more, as you, another judge and my college teacher have said the same thing. Oh well, next time.

Congrats to the winners. It's nice for me to get an honorable mention. I should participate again. :)

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-19 22:10:12 Reply

At 6/19/09 09:18 AM, Scarab wrote: yurgenburgen - 4/10.

Brb suicide.

Just kidding, thanks for your review :) I don't mind about getting one of the lower (lowest?) scores. Writing isn't really something I do very much and I don't really enjoy trying to write deeply serious things, so most of the stuff I write comes out ridiculous. The fact that it made you laugh is an achievement in itself.

Cheeeers!

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-20 04:55:46 Reply

At 6/19/09 09:20 AM, Scarab wrote: gamerpeepinpa - 6.5/10.

A short entry that a part of me wishes there was more to see of, and another part feels that its length is justified. The short piece's main strengths are in imagery, and there's a fair amount of that going on for such a brief entry. Other parts of the story I picked up are more subtle. I think they're alright, again thinking that they would be more obvious if the entry was longer. As with others before, the main message of a dead-end life can be somewhat of a weakness in that, well, nothing really happens. It works fine for a brief descriptive piece like this I suppose... but I'm still a little torn though. What's there is not bad though.

Thank you for the review. I was sort of questioning after submitting it whether I could have maybe elaborated a bit more on his thoughts, but I was really trying to capture a moment of him being lost in his thoughts about his life, and since he does have this dead-end life, there really is nothing too substantial for him to think about, so the length of it felt right. And I guess I focused too much on his characterization instead of the actual storyline, which there really is none of in stories like these. I guess these types of stories don't work too well in competitions anyway. But I have something much better up my sleeve for the next contest though, I promise :P Congratulations to the winners/honorable mentions also.


hi

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-20 22:16:05 Reply

Oh wow, thanks everyone! This is the first contest I got involved in and it was great to see the quality that comes through. There's some amazing talent here, but I guess that's to be expected on a site based on creativity. Well done!


I'll probably read this in ten minutes and facepalm. - RageVI

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-21 03:16:30 Reply

So aren't the rest of the judges going to post their scores/reviews? Fyndir hasn't, and WritersBlock has written the reviews but hasn't given the scores yet.

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-21 03:36:19 Reply

At 6/19/09 09:20 AM, Scarab wrote:
boloneyman - 9/10.

I enjoyed this entry for quite a few reasons. The themes and the images used to represent those themes are all nicely interconnected with one another, almost eerily in some cases, but that's a sign of some decent consideration. I don't need to explain specifically which images I liked, but the way they came together is what impressed me. The length is decent, and I'm glad you decided to lay off masses of dialogue. There's not much else for me to say: I liked it.

Oh my god! I'm so stoked about this. Thank you to all the judges! I wasn't expecting this at all. I still consider this a work in progress. This makes me more excited to revise it some more and make it better. Good job to everyone else who placed and even those who didn't. Whenever you submit a piece you'll always walk away with something that you can add to make the piece better. Also, big thanks to David King for writing the song I based the story off of.

I can't wait for future contests. I'll be jumping for joy if there is ever one for playwrights.


I am a new terror born in death, a new superstition entering the unassailable fortress of forever. I am legend.

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Response to Mwc9 : May : Chrunch Time : Winners 2009-06-21 03:41:29 Reply

At 6/21/09 03:16 AM, 4urentertainment wrote: So aren't the rest of the judges going to post their scores/reviews? Fyndir hasn't, and WritersBlock has written the reviews but hasn't given the scores yet.

I'm not giving scores. I didn't think it was a necessity as they'd influence your interpretation of my criticisms.
Don't wait any longer.


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