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I have a joke I CANNOT resist telling at every funeral and wedding I go to... and I run sound at weddings, so I go to a LOT of weddings.

Ok, here goes:

"Why is a funeral better than a wedding?

Because a funeral is only the end of ONE person's life!"

BTW, weddings=NO.

NNNNNOOOOO.

BAD DUMBASS!! BAD!!!! LOVE IS A MYTH, STUPID!!! IT WAS INVENTED DURING THE CRUSADES TO FILL OUT THE ARMY!!! RAWR!!!! LIESLIESLIESS!!!! RUN STUPID!!! RUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!!

I NEVER attend weddings of "friends." You shouldn't either. MARRIAGE FOR ANY REASON OTHER THAN HAVING KIDS IS A MISTAKE!!!!!!!!

At 6/13/09 01:04 AM, FUNKbrs wrote:
BAD DUMBASS!! BAD!!!! LOVE IS A MYTH, STUPID!!! IT WAS INVENTED DURING THE CRUSADES TO FILL OUT THE ARMY!!! RAWR!!!! LIESLIESLIESS!!!! RUN STUPID!!! RUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!!

I NEVER attend weddings of "friends." You shouldn't either. MARRIAGE FOR ANY REASON OTHER THAN HAVING KIDS IS A MISTAKE!!!!!!!!

Do you like screaming like an idiot?
No one will take you seriously if you keep doing that.

Get beat by your mom because you switched the opening song with cannibal corpse and get kicked out of the house,because you got piss drunk and fucked the bridesmaid wich was your moms best friend.

Trust me i know.

"Penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis....."

Hopefully the wife is not on her period because where the fuck is she gonna stick tampons during all that shit.

At 6/13/09 03:24 AM, HibiscusKazeneko wrote: Do you like screaming like an idiot?
No one will take you seriously if you keep doing that.

Blah, why don't you go marry some crack whore?

"Oh did she tell you abou--? No...? Yeah... You'll find out soon..."

"Jerry!Jerry! Jerry!"

"The doctor called earlier and I forgot to tell you, he said that you have brain cancer, you wont make it another month."

buzzkill

Say "wow, she's hot" about the bride.

When you're running the powerpoint at the reception, don't have porn as your desktop image.

"You just wait a few years and see how you feel"

Here's somethin' not to do at a funeral;

If there's an open casket, punch the corpse and say, "He hit me first."

lulz

"Didn't I fuck her?"

After the bride and groom kiss; "I just came."

if you work in a divorce office, supply the cake with writing that says "see you in a few months!"

Go on the altar with your shirt ripped off, your hair frizzled up, and your whole face and chest smeared in cake, and abuse the priest.

At 6/13/09 04:06 AM, mrdude300 wrote: Get beat by your mom because you switched the opening song with cannibal corpse and get kicked out of the house,because you got piss drunk and fucked the bridesmaid wich was your moms best friend.

Trust me i know.

That reminds me...
If you're in charge of the music, play some Linkin Park or other sad, depressing, unfitting music.It'll piss everybody off in the short term, and if there's anybody in the back videotaping the scene, it would be epic.

Especially after the $10,000 check arrives.

Not sure... I'd probably make a huge cake shooting cannon to shoot at the groom and bride, stuff their cake into it, shoot them, and laugh. Then I'd get kicked out, destroy all their cars (including the limo), and then when they all come out, blast them with my new and improved CAKE CANNON. Now with added spikes, lead, and REAL BOMBS!
Lol.

At 6/13/09 02:38 PM, Rockyusa wrote: Not sure... I'd probably make a huge cake shooting cannon to shoot at the groom and bride, stuff their cake into it, shoot them, and laugh. Then I'd get kicked out, destroy all their cars (including the limo), and then when they all come out, blast them with my new and improved CAKE CANNON. Now with added spikes, lead, and REAL BOMBS!
Lol.

Better yet; dismantle the limo and make your cannon out of it.
The horsepower in the engine of your average limousine can make any siege engine powerful enough the FBI could mistake it for a WMD.

At 6/13/09 07:34 AM, Somepurson wrote: Masturbate all over the bride.

In before...oh wait.

Tell your bride about that STD you got from her best friend.

- "We all know you only married her for the money".

- Getting pissed as a fart and punching the father of the bride.

- Attacking the cake. A dropkick or belly flop is best.

This is all I got for now.

Not to do:

Shit your pants (yea you heard me, there are people that do so)
Being drunk
Turning up late
Farting/burping
Vomiting
Being violent/aggressive
Masturbate/have sex

Not to say:

Shouting out rude words
Laughing when priest does speech
Talking when priest does speech
Swearing
Asking people rude and pointless questions

"this better be worth it after.."

Invite your ex and talk to them about how you used to fuck in front of your new spouse.

"Oh, hi Susan, remember that time when i was eating you out, then you slapped a dirty sanchez on me like the little whore that you are?"
"Yeah, I remember you licking your lips to get it off too."
"That was some hawt shit."

Hide a stripper in the wedding cake.

Never bring a pimp to a wedding ceremony. He'll try to exercise his right to keep his pimp hand strong.

Punch everyone in the face, even the vicar, destroy the cake, screaming 'THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!' and then run away, laughing like a little girl.