Enjoy!
Most of you probably didn't read my adventure to Canada for my dads wedding.
This can be found here
But to be honest, that shits boring to read. What youWANT, is the MEAT!!!
**The following is a fuckin true story**
For your imagination pleasure. I included pictures of the important shit.
Me, just before leaving for Nottawassaga.
Shitty Ariel View of Nottawasaga
the room we stayed in (minus hot tub), more or less
My adventure
I travel 6 hours to get from Detroit to Barrie for my Dads wedding.
The wedding was dope. My Dad and Eryn are finally married, after being together for over 10 years. Being that Stephanie (my sister and their child) is 7. I haven't seen her in forever, and she's grown a shit-ton since I last seen her. Anyways, back to the wedding.
It was at the Nottawassaga Golf and Resort in Alliston, Ontario. The place is absolutely huge. It was like a maze. There are about 20 elevators, and 100 flights of stairs, 1000 rooms and 5000 people at the very least in that building. The food was amazing, the music was good, the people were funny as fuck. I just enjoyed myself. The weather was great, about 20 degrees Celsius, or about 75 degrees Fahrenheit. It was outside under a gazebo near a fuckin pond/lake.
There was a fucking BAGPIPER Hahaha! What the fuuckk.
Anyways, I met about 100 people, 50 of them being 18 year old girls. I witnessed a cool ass event. My dad bought me about 5 beers, and Eryns friend Carrie, who is a SHERRIFF I might add, bought me about 3 beers. Eryns bridesmaid Amanda, bought me 4 beers and a shot, and I stole 4 from the bar when the dickhead that was attending left to take a piss, so I was pretty easy to talk to that night.
May I remind you:
5+3+4+1+4 = 17
Eventually when my dad's wedding lost interest, I walked around the Nottawassaga (not an easy task at this point) and stumbled (literally) upon a DIFFERENT wedding, in which the people attending were very welcoming, and more than happy to allow me to join them in their festivities.
Upon this amazing discovery, I returned to base camp and informed my good friend that we were cool to chill with the BOBBY family. (that's not their real name for fuck sakes, but I was hammered and can no longer recall the exact name). Returning to the BOBBYS with Taylor, I met Jim Bobby, the man getting married, who was a 27 year old university student from Toronto.
He informed me that his sisters friends were attending, that they heard that we were coming back and they would love to meet us. After a short wait, and a hilarious conversation with Taylor and Jim, his sisters friends return from wherever the fuck they were, and I entertain for about 15 minutes before the speeches.
The girls decide that the speeches are quote "fucking stupid as fuck" and insist we court them to the bathroom. I insist that they court ME and TAYLOR to the bathroom, and we meet in the middle and decide to go outside, where we can ALL piss in unison.
It is at this point that I learn that, NOT ONLY are these girls absolutely trashed, but their names are fun to say, as well. The names of these girls, which I will never forget, are Jade and Amanda. I will not ever forget these names because they happily informed the entire population of the hotel their names as they traveled (about a nautical mile) down the hallways of the Nottawassaga, until they reached the doors to the outside. Jade was the cuter one, I have to say so myself.
Anyways, the events that take place after are nearly a blur, but somehow we ended up in an elevator to the fourth floor, and eventually in my own hotel room, which my (now step-)grandmother had so generously supplied me. The next hour was the drunkest sex of my life, and I wouldn't give the experience away for 100 dollars.
When I awoke, Taylor and Amanda were in one bed, and Jade and I in the fucking HOTTUB (no water). It became apparent that we split up in order to increase our chances of having sex, and I retrieved the blankets from one bed, and transformed the hot tub into a makeshift sleeping hole. Jade, looking much BETTER than I had originally thought, lay very still, breathing peacefully and looking very comfortable on the blankets and pillows I had transferred from the bedroom.
I exited the hot tub and entered the bedroom.The clock blinked 12:00 and a morning talk show was on low volume. Taylor's bed spread lay completely on the other end of the room, and Taylor wrapped in complimentary towels, and modeling a showercap. Amanda, who looked much WORSE than I had believed last night, was NAKED, WRAPPED in the COVER for a fucking ironing board, which looked to be covered in either shit, blood, or vomit. She also sported a CONDOM on her FOOT which ALSO looked to be covered in a fluid or reddish or brownish tint.
I sighed and left the room, and all of his inhabitants to their fate, and went to brunch, but not before catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror. I looked at myself and couldn't help but smile.. Shortly after, I was greeted by Taylor and informed that the girls left him with their numbers and their panties and they split in separate directions to meet up with their parties.
A short conversation with Taylor left me convinced he had much more to drink than I, and he makes terrible decisions. After brunch decided checking out was the best game plan, and afterwards meet with the rest of the wedding party for our return home. Upon checkout Taylor discovered he had spent 75 dollars on strawberry shortcakes be delivered to the room at 3:45 am.
We returned home, and I decided to let you all know what an exciting life I lead.
FUCKING BAGPIPER
