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The Max Payne Movie is norse shit.

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homor
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The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 7th, 2009 @ 11:28 PM Reply

i'm actually just putting this here so that i can finish it later, i'm making a topic and i have to switch computers, so i'll be saving what i wrote so far here.

*WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF NERD RAGE.*

okay, i know i'm a bit late to the punch for this, since the movie came out about a year ago. and the DVD has been out for a few months now. but good sweet Thor this is a shitty movie. oh, and i won't stop with the Norse Mythos references. Odin Demands them. plus Max Payne does it to.

to start off, i've never seen this movie, and i never will, and YOU shouldn't either.

"but homor," you feel required to ask "if you haven't seen it, how can you know its bad?"

short answer:
Mark Wahlberg as Max Payne.

he's not a bad actor, but LOOK AT HIM, he's a pretty faced boy band fuck. he's the actor i think of as Max Payne, Max Payne is a gritty, unshaved mean looking guy with a constipated look on his face, Mark Wahlberg is a pretty Backstreet boy character.

long answer:
i the plot summary on Wikipedia, and this piece of crap is loaded with so many inaccuracies and faults it makes 300 look like a documentary.

the first screw up in the movie is the fact that Max Payne is searching for his Wife's murderer. THAT ISN'T WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS. if you play the game for even 6 minutes you know that random junkies kill his wife and kids, HE ISN'T LOOKING FOR THE MURDERER, HE KNOWS WHO HE IS, AND HE KILLS HIM.

his motivation SHOULD come from the fact that the killer was on Valkyr, a new drug on the streets. this is why he joins the DEA. he wants to put an end to the spread of Valkyr and stop rampaging junkies, THATS what drives him, and thats actually ambiguous and interesting.

OOH BUT NOOOO WE CAN'T HAVE AMBIGUITY AND INTELLIGENT THEMES IN MOVIES, THIS IS HOLLYWOOD, WE HAVE TO DUMB IT DOWN SO THAT IDIOT MOVIE GOERS WILL GET IT EASIER.

another problem i have is he becomes a suspect in the murder Natasha Sax. okay fuck you John Moore. Natasha Sax was a minor character killed by the Mafia, which promoted Mona Sax to help Max Payne in his war against the Mafia. she wasn't the one who introduced Max Payne to Valkyr,or the one who made Max a fugitive.

oh, and by the way: MAX ISN'T A FUGITIVE IN THIS. they COMPLETELY omit the fact that he's on the run from the law, so he's no longer a gritty outlaw with nothing to lose, he's just a normal detective who is just a suspect in some murder that holds little bearing on the plot. ARRRGGGGHHHHHH.

and then theres Jack Lupino. oh god Jack Lupino, look what they did to you. HE'S NOT AN INSANE LOKI WORSHIPING CRAZY GUY. instead he's one of the few people who gets the benefits of Valkyr without the side effects. WITHOUT SIDE EFFECTS.
WITHOUT SIDE EFFECTS.
HOW CAN THEY BE SO FUCKING STUPID AS TO MISS THE MAIN POINT OF JACK LUPINO??? HE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE TAKEN SO MUCH VALKYR HE'S BECOME INSANE AND STARTS WORSHIP CHUTHULU AND TALKING ABOUT GODS AND MONSTERS FROM CONTRADICTING MYTHOS. HE IS NOT JUST SOME GENERIC MOB KING PIN.

and you know BB Hensley? ...no, you don't know BB Hensley. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT BB HENSLEY. and you know why? HE ISN'T AN ACTUALLY IMPORTANT CHARACTER.

okay fine, he's the one who framed Max for the murder of his partner and made him a fugitive, BUT THATS OMITTED FROM THIS FILM. so what do they do?

they make BB hensley, a minor character with a whopping TWO LEVELS under his belt the main antagonist of the film.

apparently HE'S the one who murdered Max's wife because she was "getting too close to the truth."

...
....
.....

*inhale*

*exhale*

so umm...you may ask, "what about Nicole Horne? isn't she the main bad guy of the game?"

well Nicole Horne is in the movie, but plays a minor role.

the main antagonist of the actual game.

plays a minor role.

...

i...

i'm...

i'm so...

i'm so PISSED.

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL JOHN MOORE?! YOU'RE TELLING ME SOME UNIMPORTANT SHMUCK WHO HAD ONLY HAD TWO LEVELS CAN GET A FULL ROLE AS THE MAIN BAD GUY, BUT THE ACTUAL BAD GUYOF THE GAME ONLY GETS LIKE, A CAMEO AT THE CREDITS?!

oh and get this:

you know the scene at the start of the third chapter of the game where Max is given Valkyr by Nicole Horne to knock him out while they escape? and how that scene is just a crappy setup for those crappy not-at-all-fun dream levels?

instead of getting the drug inserted into him, HE INSERTS IT INTO HIMSELF! why? get this: he does it to stave off the effects of hypothermia when he jumps into an icy river to avoid being shot.

...he takes an illegal drug he doesn't know the side effects of...that he doesn't even understand the normal effects of...thinking that SOMEHOW it'll hold off hypothermia...

oh and guess what, when he takes the drug he sees VALKYRIES. yeah because subtle references to Norse Mythos were just stupid, LETS THROW IN SOME REAL VALKYRIES!!!

and the best part? INSTEAD OF FIGHTING NICHOLE HORNE ON THE ROOF TOP OF THE AESIR CORP. BUILDING, HE FIGHTS BB HENSLEY. INSTEAD OF FIGHTING HIM IN A PARKING LOT LIKE HE SHOULD BE DOING.

so at the end he's surrounded by cops and after the credits he's sitting in a bar reading about Aesir Corp. stocks.

but wait...THEY NEVER HAD AN INNER CIRCLE IN THIS MOVIE, in the game some guy named Woden (he also has one eye, if you don't get it fuck you read a Thor damn book.) saves Max Payne from going to jail at the end and clears his name.

BUT HE'S NOT EVEN IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE. and if you ask me its because the power of Odin forbid one with his namesake to appear in such a shitty movie. thank you fat Norse bastard, NOW IF YOU COULD ONLY STOP THE MOVIE FROM COMING OUT INSTEAD OF SITTING ON YOUR ASS AND WORRYING ABOUT YOUR OWN IMAGE. YOU FAT NORWEGIAN DICK.

AND TELL YOUR FUCKING DEADBEAT SON LOKI TO DROP HIS STUPID "REBELLIOUS" ACT AND GET A FUCKING JOB LIKE THE REST OF THE GODS.

i just cursed out the God of War. thats how pissed this movie makes me.

so that leaves a huge plot hole, HOW THE FUCK DID MAX GET OFF THE HOOK IF THERE WAS NO INNER CIRCLE TO COVER HIS ASS?

oh, and get this is:
at the end of the movie Aesir Corp. gets a new CEO, Nichole Horne. WHAT A PLOT TWIST! I SURE AM EXCITED FOR A SQUEAL.

you know what i think? i think Nichole Horne ISN'T going to be the villain of the squeal, i think at the last minute they found out "oh shit, TIHS person is the real antagonist, shit the fans are gonna be pissed, I KNOW! lets give her a cameo appearance so we don't have to write her in to the actual plot! mindless fanserivce always solves everything!"

by the burning balls of Sutor, what a load of shit.

this movie is a fucking travesty, its an insult to everyone who ever took the time to actually play Max Payne, and to everyone who ever enjoyed it, this is just a generic crime thriller with Norse themes and Character names from Max Payne.

i've never actually seen this movie, i just read a plot summary on Wikipedia, so forgive me for any and all inaccuracies.

still, fuck this film, don't see its squeal in theaters (Loki forbid they ever make one.) don't buy the DVD for the movie, don't even illegally download it, as its giving credit to John Moore that he actually made a movie worth watching.

forget having snake venom poured into his open veins for all eternity, the REAL way the gods should have punished Loki by making him watch this movie over, and over, and over, and over, and over, UNTIL HIS FUCKING NORSE EYEBALLS FELL OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS.

fuck this movie, if you like Max Payne, but the the damn game.


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Kuro
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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 7th, 2009 @ 11:43 PM Reply

If you want to watch a good version of Max Payne just watch Mad Max.


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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 7th, 2009 @ 11:47 PM Reply

I tried to watch the movie, knowing it would be horrible (first sign was that Marky Mark didn't want to play the game to get inspiration for doing the character). I didn't last more than 15 minutes. It was that boring at the beginning that I just turned it off. And after reading your rant, I'm glad I stopped where I did.

I understand that it was meant to be a pure 90 minute movie made for fans but when you roam that far off the actual story, it's not going to be enjoyable and the people you're making it for are going to be pissed off. This thread can be exhibit A of that. I think they could have actually made it into two movies and made it very good. First movie for acts 1 and 2 (OMG Valkyr injection cliffhanger!!!!) and have the third act be it's own movie, where they could elaborate a lot more on the backstory including BB's involvement with Alex, the Inner Circle, etc., and fit it into two hours. Bah that's just pure fan speculation. No movie director's gonna want to actually make a VG based movie that sticks close to the story of the game! (The Silent Hill movie is the exception from what I hear)

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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 7th, 2009 @ 11:56 PM Reply

At 5/7/09 11:28 PM, homor wrote: i'm actually just putting this here so that i can finish it later, i'm making a topic and i have to switch computers, so i'll be saving what i wrote so far here.

oop, ignore that part.

if any mods can just get rid of that part somehow that would be great.


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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 8th, 2009 @ 12:02 AM Reply

At 5/7/09 11:43 PM, Kuro wrote: If you want to watch a good version of Max Payne just watch Mad Max.

bah, next you'll say if i want a good Vice City movie i should watch Scarface.


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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 8th, 2009 @ 04:13 AM Reply

Yeah what he said.

The movie was pure shit. I wasted one hour and forty minutes of my life. WHY THE FUCK DID I WATCH THE WHOLE THING!!!???

I guess I should have known it would suck, since all movies based on video games suck. The least suckiest would be Silent Hill, though that's a stretch. Hitman was also fucking awful.

Thank you for writing that long rant, spared me the trouble. ;)


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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 8th, 2009 @ 07:49 AM Reply

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

Max Payne is perhaps one of the best games ever for a film conversion, it's stylish, cinematic, noir, short, interesting plot-wise, PERFECT.

I haven't seen it either but by the gods above us I will never watch it now.

God

That's ALL wrong.

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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 8th, 2009 @ 08:02 AM Reply

At 5/8/09 12:02 AM, bigblueDUMBASS wrote: bah, next you'll say if i want a good Vice City movie i should watch Scarface.

Isn't Vice City practically based on Scarface?


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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 8th, 2009 @ 09:33 AM Reply

If you compolety disregard the Game the moive was an OK action Flick. If they make a sequel hopefully they will do it right and shoot it Nori and by the dam storyline.


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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 8th, 2009 @ 11:31 AM Reply

At 5/8/09 07:49 AM, BananaBreadMuffin wrote: Max Payne is perhaps one of the best games ever for a film conversion, it's stylish, cinematic, noir, short, interesting plot-wise, PERFECT.

theres an unwritten rule in Hollywood that you can never be faithful to a game should you make a movie about it.


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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 8th, 2009 @ 03:23 PM Reply

At 5/8/09 09:33 AM, TheRipper00 wrote: If you compolety disregard the Game the moive was an OK action Flick.

Agreed. People bash the movie far too much. Yes, the game was much better but the movie was not horrible.


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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 8th, 2009 @ 03:24 PM Reply

The Max Payne movie was very poorly done, in my opinion.
I left as soon as I finished eating my popcorn.


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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 8th, 2009 @ 06:37 PM Reply

At 5/8/09 03:24 PM, Ronald-McDonald-LoL wrote: I left as soon as I finished eating my popcorn.

how could you even eat during that crap?


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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 8th, 2009 @ 08:18 PM Reply

Yeah, I couldn't even finish this piece of crap. There was no relation to the game what so ever.

oh yeah and wtf was up with those gargoyle things?
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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 17th, 2009 @ 07:34 AM Reply

At 5/8/09 08:18 PM, XxTheWorldIsYoursxX wrote:
oh yeah and wtf was up with those gargoyle things?

those were Valkyries, apparently.


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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 17th, 2009 @ 08:07 AM Reply

I haven't seen it but I've only heard bad things.

I'll probably wait until it's on television.

John Moore is a terrible director btw.

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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 17th, 2009 @ 09:54 AM Reply

tl;dr (most of it), but what you said really is true. All video game films except the Halo movie are utter tarsh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSgLOvH_M Mk

It really does look pretty epic.

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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 17th, 2009 @ 09:56 AM Reply

I played the game and also watched the movie. I enjoyed both thoroughly.

Ha-ha


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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 17th, 2009 @ 11:05 AM Reply

so you went to watch a movie that was based on a video game and you were suprised that it was awful???

would it be considered a spoler to point out to you that water is wet?

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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 18th, 2009 @ 02:54 AM Reply

At 5/17/09 09:54 AM, Vladith wrote: All video game films except the Halo movie are utter tarsh.

i wouldn't get your hopes up too much for the Halo movie, bub.


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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 18th, 2009 @ 02:59 AM Reply

"We're all at the theater about to watch Max Payne. Unfortunately, not expecting much.
11:19 AM Oct 17th, 2008"

"Enjoyed the movie and would give it 2.5 or 3 stars out of 5. Not great, but not horrible. If you played the games you will like it.
1:48 PM Oct 17th, 2008"

If you played the games, you will like it

No, George Broussard. No I didn't. But you're a retard anyway, whatever.

Also do the people that think this was a good adaption think Silent Hill was a good adaptation?

Picture is of Joe Siegler though, who is also a retard.

The Max Payne Movie is norse shit.

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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 18th, 2009 @ 09:52 AM Reply

yeah, i thought the movie was going to be cool, but when i watched it, i realised that it was REALLY FUCKING SHIT.
it wasn't even close to the game (as you have said).
i loved the game, addicted to it, i still havent played the second one yet though, i might get it one day.
...
you have no idea how much i agree with everything you said.

MAX PAYNE FTW

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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 18th, 2009 @ 02:22 PM Reply

Well, it's unnavoidable that Vg movies suck.

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Response to The Max Payne Movie is norse shit. May. 18th, 2009 @ 08:38 PM Reply

At 5/18/09 02:22 PM, Supermatx1 wrote: Well, it's unnavoidable that Vg movies suck.

yeah, but they're guaranteed to make a moderate amount of money from the stupider fans, which is rare since almost nothing is guaranteed in Hollywood.


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