Before you read this, know that this isn't me. If you knew me for who i really am, hen you'd know that I'm usually a cynical bastard with a shallow outlook on life. Whenever I see two people going out, I laugh in pity. I wonder why we slow ourselves down with these rituals of, "going out" and "marrying". I only do this to cover it up to myself. I'm not the bad-ass mysterious guy who is too macho for emotion, no, of course, that is what I told myself, but in actual fact all along it was a lack of confidence combined with an intense fear or rejection that held me back from ANY sort of relationship.
And now I'm here, with my conscience slapping me with every key I type, having to use a shitty alt so that no one knows that I am what you would consider an effeminate pussy, trying not to tell myself that you guys don't give a shit. I know, you're either going to post something worth reading or your just going to tell me to snap out of it like my mind is telling my as I type. I don't blame you, you probably have the same disposition that I had. I wouldn't be here if you guys were anything other than that.
This is where I really start to kick myself. So, there is this girl, okay? Yes, thats right, I'm a total fag aren't I? Yes, so, here is the deal; she is stunningly pretty, incredibly nice, somewhat intelligent and not a shallow minded bitch like the rest of them, I originally met her on MSN through someone I was arguing with, she had been relatively talked about with my social circle, so yeah, we start off hating eachother. She has a long list of "ex-boyfriends" who did nothing more than use her. One of these perpetrators is my best friend, and he was her most recent quip. He didn't like her, she lives in a different town to us, it is only a few miles away, but she still has to get the train over here (the town I live in is far better) So he can only see her during weekends, so during school, he brags on how good the arrangement is. He gets off with a girl all weekend, then during the week itself he doesn't have to even think about her. They were never going out, only "seeing each-other" which was really just a ploy to cover up the fact that he didn't have the balls to commit. So for about a week or so towards the climax of this, i wanted to punch that fucker.
A perfect example of the power of the pussy you might say, wanting to punch your best friend because you were a little jealous, and you think he was using her? (shit, think about suicide bombers, they blow themselves up just for the chance of 7 virgins) Well, I guess you're right. So, eventually she ends it. And he is quick to say to me, "Shit man, now that I'm out of the scene, you should totally jump in there!" Therefore overruling the social rule that is, "you can't go out with your best friend's ex" shit, if you still fall for that load of bollox then you MUST be retarded.
So there you have the back-story to this incredibly odd situation. (And yes, everything you've read uptill now is just a background) The primary story is as follows.
So, she is going along in life, not so long after they, "broke up" and starts talking to me on MSN. Nothing special, it is all just MSN banter, 'hey' 'how are you' etc. Eventually the subject of her latest ex comes up. Due to me being a good friend of his, I have a lot to say on it. I told her how he was a hell of a lot more arrogant ever since he got her, and how I personally thought he was using her. This progresses on for a few days, until I start to really, "like" her, if you get my pathetic drift. We talked more, on the phone as well,we met up on our own, and would go around together, I'm not sure what as. This grows and grows until you may beg the question, "is he a schizophrenic?" No really, I needed her just to stay normal. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, I felt sick half the time, I'd spend hours and hours pacing up and down my bedroom eating off my thumb nails, with thoughts racing through my head on just about everything related to her. Whether she was an object of love or obsession was anyone's guess. My moods often fluctuated. One minute I'd be happy-go-lucky, the next I'd be yelling at someone. I preferred solitude, if I was with y friends, I'd sit away on a wall or something. Whilst I'd be telling myself, "stop doing this, you're doing it for the attention you whiney little prick" Of course, whenever she was around, this all canged, and i was back to my usual self.
This all elevated when her friends started hinting that she liked me back. If you can, picture a wild eyed guy walking up and down his bedroom, with one arm having it's elbow rested on the other arms hand, with it's thumb being bitten whilst we takes small sharp steps up and down his bedroom. It was like that pretty much all day apart from whenever I was with her of with friends, which was usually a good 7 hours. I was the only one aware of this. And I'd got to the tipping point. So yesterday, her moronic friend (who I have little patience for) asks me what has been up with me. This is where I snap. In a fit or rage, I furiously type out everything that I've been going through for the past fortnight, everything, even how I didn't have the balls to say anything to her. And then I go tell her to tell everyone sarcastically, as an expression of how little I cared any more. I then start the whole pacing around act again. By now, this girl I liked had had figured it out any way, she asks me if it is about her, and I say nothing. So she rightly guesses she it is. The combination of her guessing, with her friend knowing, really freaks me out for some reason. And then, her stupid friend tells her.
everything from here is blurred, mainly because i had mentally blacked out. For the first time in 2 weeks, I had no thoughts in my head. I was blank. So if you want, you can analyze this. At first her reaction is of shock towards me, and then how she is gutted that I didn't tell her earlier, and how we'd discuss it further tomorrow, and how she wants me to punch my best friend for doing what he did.
Tomorrow is today, I haven't seen her, we were all supposed to be going to Felixstowe (a seaside town not so far from where I live) but I got up too late and missed the train. So yeah, I'm losing it. And it does beg the question, is love and obsession just two cards on the same hand? Am I mentally insane? or am I just being a faggot?