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Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 10th, 2009 @ 05:31 PM

At 4/10/09 10:03 AM, gumOnShoe wrote: Eh, so my muse hit me over the noggin while I was in the shower this morning and I know what story I'll be writing if I can find the time to do it! I think it has the possibility to hit the mark, but sadly the word limit may be too low to do it effectively, and I won't have time for my several rewrites that I normally to within the time limit. :P

Have you actually been able to enter any of these yet? I'd like to see what you come out with, seeing as you, you know, run these things! If it's too much trouble with time, limits and rewrites etc, maybe try something smaller for the time being possibly. I don't know... I know how hard it can be to let an idea go though, especially if someone or something there and then has brought it on.

The best way to write a story is to write it, rewrite it, stick it in a drawer, forget about it, and then pick it up a few months later and get back to business once you been emotionally detached and can look at it with an appropriate eye.

That's worked with me before, though I do tend to forget about stuff from months earlier. Some pieces I think have possible potential might get hanged up somewhere. I've been described as "mad" though in writing terms (by one person) for franctically just writing whatever I'm thinking about and angrily stabbing the paper with an inappropriate THE END at the bottom.

***

I've finished my first draft for this competition, somewhat hurriedly. I might send it to one or two people for opinions, I don't know. Anyway, after I've proof-read, I'll hopefully get down to a few comments.

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 10th, 2009 @ 11:54 PM

At 4/10/09 10:03 AM, gumOnShoe wrote: Eh, so my muse hit me over the noggin while I was in the shower this morning and I know what story I'll be writing if I can find the time to do it! I think it has the possibility to hit the mark, but sadly the word limit may be too low to do it effectively, and I won't have time for my several rewrites that I normally to within the time limit. :P

The best way to write a story is to write it, rewrite it, stick it in a drawer, forget about it, and then pick it up a few months later and get back to business once you been emotionally detached and can look at it with an appropriate eye.

I've been having troubles filling in the gap between the beginning and the end of my story, but I've found that by taking the pressure off this particular story, I was able to write on another one I started a little while ago. And then I had a rush of ideas for my short film script for my film class. At 3 o'clock in the morning. You never know when inspiration's gonna hit.
So both you and rapemuffin are submitting stories in this competition? Can't wait!


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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 11th, 2009 @ 12:40 AM

Damn If only the flash extended till now, i would have done it on the new madness film.
here's a picture i made of Hank

Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk


Whut?

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 11th, 2009 @ 01:07 PM

At 4/10/09 11:54 PM, WritersBlock wrote: So both you and rapemuffin are submitting stories in this competition? Can't wait!

Indeed, I've got the first draft of my opening here. This is all I'm going to post before I post the final version sometime later, I'd imagine, but feel free to take a gander and comment.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Gregory Lamb, eleven years old, swayed into the kitchen to the sound of his mother's mixer. "Hey mom, can I go out?" She stood with her back turned to him, facing the counter, in a yellow dress, her hair tied up behind her head to keep the flour out of it. The dress fluttered around her thighs as she tipped the bowl a little futher. "Hey mom!" still not loud enough. Greg wandered closer and then tugged on the dress. The bowl of flower slipped from her hands, she grasped for it, but too slowly, and then, as it hit the counter, a cloud of white puffed up into her face and caused the kitchen to fade.

"I'm sorry... I just--"

"How many times have I told you not to disturb me when I'm cooking? How many Greg?"

"I just wanted to know if I could go out."

Mrs. Lamb reached for a towel and began to wipe the flour off of her face, erasing the faded dead look of ghosts from old television shows. "Have you finished your lesson?"

"Mostly."

"You know the rules, one lesson a day, and then you can go out."

"Its summer! All the other kids are outside!"

"One lesson Greg, and then you can out back and play." Mrs Lamb turned back to her counter, grasped it on both sides of her and let out a sigh, taking in the mess around her.

"I want to go out front, with the others!"

"Greg, finish your lesson or you won't go out at all."

"But--"

"No, buts, just go."

Greg stomped out of the kitchen, making sure every foot fall could be heard by his mother as he wondered through the brown and beige hued dining room towards the hall that let to his room. After she heard him slam his door, Mrs. Lamb took up the cloth and began to wipe the flour off of the counter, and silver faucet. The sun glanced in through the small window over the sink between summer clouds. It was July, the worst time of year.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Greg, now safely in his room, lay down on his floor and lifted up the bed skirt. He reached his hand up through the hole he had cut in the bottom of the box spring and grabbed the memory cube his mother had tried to hide from him, forbid him from seeing. She had kept it in top left drawer of her dressor, along with several others. He had seen her rolling one of them between her right hand last week while she stared vacantly into her mirror. Her left hand carrassed her stomach. Greg had tried to ask if the cube was his new lesson, but she had quickly put it away and told him it was private, and not to be touched excepting great punishment.


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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 11th, 2009 @ 01:25 PM

At 4/11/09 01:07 PM, gumOnShoe wrote:
At 4/10/09 11:54 PM, WritersBlock wrote: So both you and rapemuffin are submitting stories in this competition? Can't wait!
Indeed, I've got the first draft of my opening here. This is all I'm going to post before I post the final version sometime later, I'd imagine, but feel free to take a gander and comment.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Gregory Lamb, eleven years old, swayed into the kitchen to the sound of his mother's mixer. "Hey mom, can I go out?" She stood with her back turned to him, facing the counter, in a yellow dress, her hair tied up behind her head to keep the flour out of it. The dress fluttered around her thighs as she tipped the bowl a little futher. "Hey mom!" still not loud enough. Greg wandered closer and then tugged on the dress. The bowl of flower slipped from her hands, she grasped for it, but too slowly, and then, as it hit the counter, a cloud of white puffed up into her face and caused the kitchen to fade.

"I'm sorry... I just--"

"How many times have I told you not to disturb me when I'm cooking? How many Greg?"

"I just wanted to know if I could go out."

Mrs. Lamb reached for a towel and began to wipe the flour off of her face, erasing the faded dead look of ghosts from old television shows. "Have you finished your lesson?"

"Mostly."

"You know the rules, one lesson a day, and then you can go out."

"Its summer! All the other kids are outside!"

"One lesson Greg, and then you can out back and play." Mrs Lamb turned back to her counter, grasped it on both sides of her and let out a sigh, taking in the mess around her.

"I want to go out front, with the others!"

"Greg, finish your lesson or you won't go out at all."

"But--"

"No, buts, just go."

Greg stomped out of the kitchen, making sure every foot fall could be heard by his mother as he wondered through the brown and beige hued dining room towards the hall that let to his room. After she heard him slam his door, Mrs. Lamb took up the cloth and began to wipe the flour off of the counter, and silver faucet. The sun glanced in through the small window over the sink between summer clouds. It was July, the worst time of year.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Greg, now safely in his room, lay down on his floor and lifted up the bed skirt. He reached his hand up through the hole he had cut in the bottom of the box spring and grabbed the memory cube his mother had tried to hide from him, forbid him from seeing. She had kept it in top left drawer of her dressor, along with several others. He had seen her rolling one of them between her right hand last week while she stared vacantly into her mirror. Her left hand carrassed her stomach. Greg had tried to ask if the cube was his new lesson, but she had quickly put it away and told him it was private, and not to be touched excepting great punishment.

Interesting, interesting...
I felt, however, that the way you phrased some sentences were a little awkward.
For example: "She stood with her back turned to him, facing the counter, in a yellow dress, her hair tied up behind her head to keep the flour out of it."
"With her back turned to him" and "facing the counter" both tell of which direction she's facing, so, to me, it sound like a bit of unneccessary detail. "She stood with her back turned to him, she was at the counter in a yellow dress, her hair tied up behind her head to keep the flour out of it." It's a minor change, but I think something like that just makes the sentence run a bit smoother.

There were a couple of other small things like that, but on the whole, nothing a proof edit won't fix. Good luck gum.


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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 11th, 2009 @ 01:35 PM

At 4/11/09 01:25 PM, WritersBlock wrote: For example: "She stood with her back turned to him, facing the counter, in a yellow dress, her hair tied up behind her head to keep the flour out of it."
"With her back turned to him" and "facing the counter" both tell of which direction she's facing, so, to me, it sound like a bit of unneccessary detail. "She stood with her back turned to him, she was at the counter in a yellow dress, her hair tied up behind her head to keep the flour out of it." It's a minor change, but I think something like that just makes the sentence run a bit smoother.

Yeah it would, I'll think about things like that. I'm trying to up the suspense as something is clearly wrong with this family, but I shouldn't be doing that with bad sentences. :P

There were a couple of other small things like that, but on the whole, nothing a proof edit won't fix. Good luck gum.

Thanks, I'll keep working. This is going to be a "flashback" piece, really my first attempt at one, so we'll see how it works out.

Your new opening showed a lot of improvement, though there's still room for more. I'm not sure how I feel about the comma in "He held in his hand," as it isn't necessarily grammatically correct, though the pause it creates certainly improves the feel of the sentence. Here's the point though, I think that since I'm worried about commas you should move on and only touch that paragraph again after you've finished. I'm glad to here you're moving on and able to work on other projects.

Its always good have other things. Focusing on one thing tends to make it hard to work on.


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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 13th, 2009 @ 12:16 AM

whose surprised I havent submitted anything yet? I cant get it out of me, its like somebody shoved gum down the water pipe that is my writing. IT WONT COME OUT A;LKDFN;ALKSN DGFA; skdfjl;sdfjkl.

Hopefully it will come, if not oh well.


Its time to play games and jerk off. And Im all out of quarters.

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 13th, 2009 @ 12:33 AM

At 4/9/09 02:44 PM, JackPhantasm wrote: My sex stories were serious and awesome. Perhaps I should do that.

How God Came Into Being: The Incest and Creation and Rebirth of the Universe Mother

I liked that one story you wrote back in mid-2006. I think it was called A Beautiful Boy, or something like that.

This topic reminds me of judging all those goddamned submissions last year and writing extremely long critiques on each one. Christ, that took me forever. Like, three weeks' worth of critique. I hope they were worth something to somebody.

Here

And here.


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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 13th, 2009 @ 05:52 AM

So, I am reading all the stories in the thread, and I see some I really like, and some that are just confusing (not going to name them, I don't wanna taint any opinions). I will say, after re-reading my own story I noticed a few grammatical inconsistencies, and really obvious mistakes on my part. But, that's all I will say about that, is the grammar errors in the story.

I still have to read the rest of the stories, because I like to do that. Hope to see some more :D.

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 14th, 2009 @ 10:00 PM

Awesome!

I have a valid reason for shitting all over your work and laughing.

FYNDIR, Dont even think about it. Be fair or dont even judge.


Its time to play games and jerk off. And Im all out of quarters.

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 15th, 2009 @ 10:50 PM

At 4/14/09 10:00 PM, TheReno wrote:
Awesome!

I have a valid reason for shitting all over your work and laughing.
FYNDIR, Dont even think about it. Be fair or dont even judge.

Fyndir is mostly all bark. Don't worry about it. If I thought Fyndir was stepping out of line, and he isn't, I'd ask him to step down.


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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 16th, 2009 @ 03:35 AM

Zomg, I have been absent from NG for too long, so I shall need to get back into this compi after my last result :)


Roleplaying is to the mind what masturbation is to the body - Shalashaska-1, 2008
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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 16th, 2009 @ 08:27 PM

Grr, looks I won't be able to participate in this one after all. Mid-April and I don't even have the faintest idea of what to write about, partly due to being loaded with projects for the past couple weeks. Oh well, there's always next time. I may still be able to shove in my entry last minute if I get everything done early.


hi

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 16th, 2009 @ 08:30 PM

At 4/14/09 10:00 PM, TheReno wrote:
Awesome!

I have a valid reason for shitting all over your work and laughing.
FYNDIR, Dont even think about it. Be fair or dont even judge.

But he is being fair. We take grammar errors seriously. Very, very seriously.


This too will pass.
Memento mori

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 17th, 2009 @ 03:17 PM

hello, i've jsut post a story about an autistic man being stuck in a lift as part of his rebirth as a fuctioning member of society

review please? does anyone think ill win?


A STRONG, PROUD, INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 18th, 2009 @ 07:23 PM

At 4/17/09 03:17 PM, aides wrote: hello, i've jsut post a story about an autistic man being stuck in a lift as part of his rebirth as a fuctioning member of society

review please? does anyone think ill win?

The story is good but not great. It has potential to get there, but the writing itself sounded like a list off. Almost robotic and textbookish. I must say however your main character had a loveable charm and did keep my interest throughout the story. It definately has an appeal and a chance to win. Good Luck!


I voice act, therefore.....

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 18th, 2009 @ 07:45 PM

A few more reviews for those that might want one:
Coolio20000: Your story needed a spell check and a thorough read before submission. It could have been good ,but your errors were too numerous and distracting. Next time slow down and put forth a more honest effort and you will do much better. I'm nothing extraordinary myself, but we should all give our own work the respect it deserves by reading it ourselves before we ask others to. I'm not trying to be harsh( I apologize if it sounds so) just honest. Also I could be dead wrong, others might not find it as distracting. Good luck in the contest, and in future writings.

Capt. Acid: I liked your story alot, and the setting really drew me in. However, you did confuse me by switching past and present tenses around during moment when the character should have been in one or the other. It sounded as though you were reflecting on something that was happening in the now. Also the tale lost some steam at the end, but over all it was good.Good luck Captain!


I voice act, therefore.....

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 12:37 AM

Inspiration hit.... And it hit hard!

Posted my story on the other thread. I hope all of you enjoy it.

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 12:43 PM

After a fair amount of proof-reading, self-critique and professional procrastination, I've submitted my entry for this month's contest. According to Word, it is 3,620 words... which is actually longer than I originally envisaged it being (but it's quality, not quantity you know). If I can be bothered, I'll write up all my attempted references, but you probably don't care, and that might take away anything you take from this entry (if anything). Only one other person has read it so far, so I'd appreciate any comments on the road up to the judges' decisions. Good luck to all once again.

I'll hopefully have some comments on some entries so far by the end of the evening. I don't want to say everything will get a read and a few words from me, but I hope to busy myself with it to some degree.

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 12:47 PM

At 4/19/09 12:34 AM, Fyndir wrote: Also, Zerok's story is now on the audio portal, in three parts.

Ah, I'll check it out soon, in its new format.
And make a blog plug perhaps!

Hmm, deadline's arriving, thank goodness exams finish prior to its passing. I'll probably be fairly late getting one in this time around.


Zerok blog: PM me if you like music | My (retired) webcomic: Pizza For Guys

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 12:49 PM

hm... deadline is close, and I haven't even started. I might not be able to do this one.... but I hope I pull it out..


II II lI

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 12:56 PM

I've made decent progress on my story now. I'm a decent way past 1,000 words into my story, and I think I'll have not much more than that. Probably 1,500-2,000 words. Got my beginning, got my ending, the meeting point is fast approaching. I'll hopefully have my story posted soon.


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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 12:58 PM

At 4/17/09 03:17 PM, aides wrote: hello, i've jsut post a story about an autistic man being stuck in a lift as part of his rebirth as a fuctioning member of society

review please? does anyone think ill win?

I actually read more than three sentences before stopping so that means it's really fucking good.

In all honesty I might actually write something now just because what you wrote was so awesome.

Plz write more.

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 01:01 PM

I've got a story going, it's not very inspired and I can't think of any way to finish it that ties it to the concept of rebirth, but the opening sentence is a real grabber and I'm a firm believer that's a good opening sentence is all you need for a winning short story.


Happy with what you have to be happy with
you have to be happy with what you have
to be happy with you have to be happy with what you have

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 01:07 PM

I have no story as I have no ideas because rebirth can be ANYTHING.

I think I should think small probably. That will make it easier.

Small small small. Small small small.

Hey, that could be a good motif.

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 01:10 PM

At 4/21/09 01:07 PM, JackPhantasm wrote: Small small small. Small small small.

Hey, that could be a good motif.

In fact, that's an excellent opening sentence, run with it.


Happy with what you have to be happy with
you have to be happy with what you have
to be happy with you have to be happy with what you have

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 02:49 PM

Just a few notes on these, in case you weren't around last time:

- These comments (I don't like the word "review" in the case of my things here as you'll see) aren't really intended to be proper reviews, but rather single paragraphs quickly summarising what I think of an entry.

- I don't neccessarily look at an entry the same way a judge might. Obviously, this is almost always a factor at this stage, but judges may also be looking for points specific to the contest. In this case of course, this means being relevant to the theme set.

- My comments here tend to be upbeat rather than extensive harsh criticisms, unless I really see it neccesary. I would say this is because I want to see an expanding Newgrounds writing community... but it's just as likely to be all about me being soft around here.

- Entries that do not meet the minimum word limit (800 words this time round) will be ignored by me. I try to read those that go over the limit, but I can't promise comments. I'm lazy.

Let's get down on it.

TheLameSauce

I liked your choice of words, particularly towards the beginning as the scene was set. I don't think the plot was particularly cliche or contrived. Some say there's only a small number of plots in the literary world (some say only seven!), and if that really is the case, then you made good use of the "variables" if you get what I mean, in relation to your opening comments. Although the setting itself is only mentioned specifically briefly, I think it turned out well, going by hat happens in the story, what atmosphere we're supposed to be feeling. I think possibly the birth could have been handled better graphically maybe, but I liked the use of sound of the cat. Not a bad entry at all.

Joswaldo... or "K-Fricking-O". Whichever.

An interesting descriptive piece, with some equally interesting symbolism towards the end. The images were well chosen I think, and the connotations of each image were appropriate for the overall meaning. I would've liked to see more, even something as abstract as the stuff already floating around in the piece. I think it's possible to inject a bit more in without going too over-the-top on that front.

GrandfatherClock

So much positive discussion has already taken place, I think I'm speechless on this entry. I've never watched Sailor Moon, but that side of me feels pressured to now.

I attempted Mirage-aka-Anarchy's entry, but honestly, I really struggled to get into it. The words seemed languid, and there seemed to be numerous syntactical issues. I'm not sure sure whether these decisions were made deliberately to pick out an audience, but I still failed to grasp it. Maybe it's my fault; if you want some proper comments sir, I'll attempt to do so. Otherwise, I think I'll leave this one. The story as it's set up has some promising ideas.

I was going to do more now, but I'll leave it off for now. Erm, yeah.

***

Oh, one other thing. Again, I'm not sure how much the judges will be going for this, and I suspect it's largely a personal thing. I've noticed some entries have formatting issues. There's nothing really major, and I'm not expecting anything perfect from anyone. I know things can happen when transferring an entry from a program to your BBS post. Still, I always like to see double-spacing at least. Given the colour scheme of the Newgrounds BBS, it makes it much nicer on the eyes. If you're looking to woo judges, I would've thought doing anything to, erm, not make their eyes sore a good thing.

Maybe I'm speaking for myself alone, I don't know. It's just something to put out there, heh.

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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 03:01 PM

At 4/21/09 02:49 PM, Scarab wrote:
TheLameSauce

I liked your choice of words, particularly towards the beginning as the scene was set. I don't think the plot was particularly cliche or contrived. Some say there's only a small number of plots in the literary world (some say only seven!), and if that really is the case, then you made good use of the "variables" if you get what I mean, in relation to your opening comments. Although the setting itself is only mentioned specifically briefly, I think it turned out well, going by hat happens in the story, what

thanks a lot for the review. i think i know what you mean about the birth scene. it wasn't that it made me uncomfortable to write about, but i was worried if i lingered and elaborated too long on the subject the piece would seem tacky. as if all i was going for was the shock and gross out effect of cat vaginas and embryonic fluid. i really enjoyed your entry, and sent you a few words in a pm regarding it.

WritersBlock
WritersBlock
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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 03:15 PM

At 4/21/09 01:07 PM, JackPhantasm wrote: I have no story as I have no ideas because rebirth can be ANYTHING.

I think I should think small probably. That will make it easier.

Small small small. Small small small.

Hey, that could be a good motif.

I thought small. My main character only had one small room in which to move about in. For a good part of the month, I've had a writer's block on my story, but, like most of the things I do nowdays, it gets unblocked, and finished, at 3 in the morning.

I posted it in my blog before I decide to post in the thread for this very reason. Don't want to be hasty now.

Link.


READ: "A Fear of Great Heights" and other forthcoming adventures right HERE
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gamerpeepinpa
gamerpeepinpa
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Response to Mwc9 : Apr : Spring Forth! : Talk Apr. 22nd, 2009 @ 12:30 AM

Alrighty, I still really have no ideas on what I'm doing. I haven't really given it it much thought as I'm busy and everything. I'm trying to squeeze it in though. Hopefully I can figure something out in time.


hi