Calculators: The Terrible Truth!

[Samen]

I don't believe in calculators, they are simply illogical contraptions. I mean, how can a hunk of plastic tell me the square root of four? That's right, it can't. Because it's a hunk of plastic.
How do they work, you ask? Excellent question. I believe that the UN, the United Nations itself, runs a shady organization comprised of the top mathematical experts in the world. Can you imagine it? A secret group, comprised mostly, of course, of orientals, all under the direct control of one of the biggest governing bodies in the world. A secret asian squad, if you will.
No big deal, right? Well, that's what I thought, too, until I realized this: every calculator in the world functions through direct telepathic communication with the secret asian squad. They must be, how else could a hand held device, no bigger than a newsstand pamphlet, possibly hold the answer to every conceivable math problem in the world? It just doesn't add up! Literally.
I don't believe that I was the first one to find this out. Many others before me have tried to warn you all, but were all too afraid to speak out directly against the secret asian squad, for fear of suffering the horrors of telepathic mind rape at the hands of our oriental overlords. I, however, am not. Behind the protective shield of my aluminum foil hat, and the impenetrable barriers of my mom's basement (the walls of which I have lined with lead), I am completely safe from their mental phalluses!
Douglas Adams tried to warn you all in his novel, "The Long Dark Tea Time of The Soul", when a cheap, CHINESE made calculator refuses to solve any problems with any answer larger than "4", instead displaying the message, "a suffusion of yellow". A suffusion of yellow? Yellow what? Yellow people. Still, nobody listened.
Google tried again, several years later, when they hid the message, "I am extremely terrified of chinese people" in their search suggestion box. Again, nobody could hear the truth.
But, I CAN hear the truth, I CAN see the future, and I KNOW that this gang of gooks wants nothing less that total world domination!
NewGrounds, save yourself. Find a basement, run internet down to it, and get a foil hat and computer. Only then will you be safe.
TL;DR: A UN run secret asian squad controls all the calculators in the world with telepathic mind powers, and will mind rape you with their cognitive genitalia if you speak out against them.

[TheSilverGuitar]

At 2/14/09 03:00 PM, Samen wrote: and will mind rape you with their cognitive genitalia if you speak out against them.

Then don't.

[Sekhem]

Well that was certainly entertaining.

[ChaosProdigy]

At 2/14/09 03:00 PM, Samen wrote: A secret group, comprised mostly, of course, of orientals, all under the direct control of one of the biggest governing bodies in the world. A secret asian squad, if you will.

Wait, are you saying that I wasted $50 per hour on a Pocket Asian when I could be getting the same kind of help from a $20 calculator!?

What a conspiracy!!!

[Jackho]

rofl

[RedStripedd]

My god! That is startling news!

[Archawn]

Next up: Your computer monitor is really a colony of tiny gnomes moving around on the screen to deceive you. Oh yeah, and they're controlled by the government.

/thread

I've always wanted to say that

[Samen]

At 2/14/09 04:37 PM, Archon68 wrote: Next up: Your computer monitor is really a colony of tiny gnomes moving around on the screen to deceive you. Oh yeah, and they're controlled by the government.

/thread

I've always wanted to say that

Ch, that's just stupid conspiracy theory mumbo jumbo.

[Masterzakk]

At 2/14/09 05:28 PM, Samen wrote:

that's just stupid conspiracy theory mumbo jumbo.

OR IS IT?!!?!?!?!?!

Oh yeah the most satanic population in the world is Flying squirls

[ImlunchBoxx]

hahahahah FOOL youll be the last to stumble across the truth THE LAST ]
]AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

[RedSkelton]

lmao hilariou nice writjn g ur hilarious NICE...YA ILL READ THAT. V.FUNNY.LOL

[mranarchy]

This computer is'nt real, newgrounds and you are all just government constructs. I am the only real person.

[Imaku]

Okay, now you've solved the calculator question, but what about cell phones?

[Spirosgod]

At 2/14/09 06:33 PM, mranarchy wrote: This computer is'nt real, newgrounds and you are all just government constructs. I am the only real person.

Count me too!

[Entice]

At 2/14/09 06:39 PM, Spirosgod wrote:

At 2/14/09 06:33 PM, mranarchy wrote: This computer is'nt real, newgrounds and you are all just government constructs. I am the only real person.

Count me too!

NO, it is me!

[Elios]

Oh shit.

[Entice]

At 2/14/09 03:05 PM, ChaosProdigy wrote: Wait, are you saying that I wasted $50 per hour on a Pocket Asian when I could be getting the same kind of help from a $20 calculator!?

What a conspiracy!!!

I'm an Asian, and I would like to defend myself.
We are easily worth $50000 an hour.

[Conspiracy3]

I am a member of that conspiracy of which you speak.

Join me young NGer and together we shall rule the world as father and son. You know it to be true. Obi-wan has taught you well.

[HrMorgaes]

At 2/14/09 06:48 PM, Conspiracy3 wrote: I am a member of that conspiracy of which you speak.

Join me young NGer and together we shall rule the world as father and son. You know it to be true. Obi-wan has taught you well.

Yeah alright, how much do you pay?