its been 4 months since new years and i haven't done anything so far
i stopped going to school ; my anxiety of making mistakes or people judging me over the past few years has really affected me whenever i do school work. like someone could hand me a test of a class i like, but i would just sit there and not write anything for the hour, even if i knew the answers. i never told my dad the real reason why i dropped out.
i am a 20 year old failure. i have no job, i have very little irl friends and i heavily rely on my dad's paycheck. i live in a simple 1 room apartment. there is a quickcheck across the street from me, an AMC theater 5 minutes away, and a shoprite 2 minutes down the road. there is a gamestore 2 doors down that hosts tournaments every weekend and i don't even go to that. i hate socializing. i hate people.
i see a lot of kids from my grade having a blast, posting pictures of their gf or bf which i have yet to experience. i always be myself around girls and most of them just turn away. very rarely would they even consider me as a friend - and im not like incapable of being socially acceptable. i can be if i put effort into it. i do my best to not sound like a creep.
yet every time i open my mouth i keep hearing laughs in my head. it makes me not think clearly half of the time. every time no one is around i mutter to my self " stupid ". i use to have a really nasally voice that only my mom and sister understood when i was young. i don't know how i had friends back then. when i moved to the states the kids laughed at me and from then on never took me seriously. it was only until a fucking operation that i was able to talk "normally"
for the past 4 months i've never had an actual sleep pattern. i get up, eat, play video games, make music, spam my shit, then go to bed.
people ask me how i can just do nothing all day.
and you know what
i am happy doing nothing. not talking to anyone. my walls don't judge me. they won't laugh at me. after 2 months of living alone like this i could go one day without having a single thought. and i love it.
i am at peace with myself. while the rest of the world is going crazy and doing stupid shit, i am unaffected by it.
some times when i don't have to go outside to get food or anything, i am naked the whole day. because who gives a shit.