Do you like my song?

[zero-gravity]

Verse One:

Frozen deep under water
in lake full of traitors
i remember you face
in spite this forsaken place

The way i hurt you
The way you cried
The way i sat there
As you said goodbye

Chorus:

Forgiveness cannot be found
In a place deep underground
Frozen under hardening ice
In place where there is no light

But all you see
Is the one who fell
He flaps his wings
In the ninth circle of hell.....

I really can think of a follow up verse or a bridge. Can NG help me?

[Divisible-By-Zero]

The lyrics sound good, man! Add some strong guitar chords and a good bass line and I think you have a hit!

[ForNoReason]

Not bad, kinda depressing but I guess thats the point.

[Serbian-terrorist]

At 1/10/09 10:18 PM, zero-gravity wrote: Verse One:

Frozen deep under water
in lake full of traitors
i remember your face
in spite of this forsaken place

Couple of grammar mistakes there fixed it for ya :3

I really can think of a follow up verse or a bridge. Can NG help me?

I wouldn't add anything else man, it's perfect.

[zero-gravity]

At 1/10/09 10:25 PM, Serbian-terrorist wrote:

I wouldn't add anything else man, it's perfect.

Yea but it still needs parts to be a complete song. right now that is about 1 min with filler.

[Davious]

At 1/10/09 10:35 PM, zero-gravity wrote:

At 1/10/09 10:25 PM, Serbian-terrorist wrote:

I wouldn't add anything else man, it's perfect.

Yea but it still needs parts to be a complete song. right now that is about 1 min with filler.

make it like one of those awesome techno songs that only have like one verse and just loop and add some neat voice effects to the vocals know what I mean?

[putzpie]

I can fucking see the jonas bros singing something retarded like that.

Fuck no, it's awful.

[putzpie]

At 1/10/09 10:42 PM, Davious wrote:

At 1/10/09 10:35 PM, zero-gravity wrote:

At 1/10/09 10:25 PM, Serbian-terrorist wrote:

I wouldn't add anything else man, it's perfect.

Yea but it still needs parts to be a complete song. right now that is about 1 min with filler.

make it like one of those awesome techno songs that only have like one verse and just loop and add some neat voice effects to the vocals know what I mean?

Actually ignore my last post. If you distorted the vocals to holy shit, and did that, then I might go for it.

[RedDreadSky]

I tend to like songs better if they're based off of something that can actually be read as a poem and sound good. While the melody of this song could sound awesome, and I would like, I would really like it more if the lyrics have stronger words.

My critique:
The first stanza could use some grammar editing, but I'm not going to make a big deal out of that. I think it would sound better if you added some more powerful verbs and adjectives. Like 'Immersed in frozen water.'
Also, the song doesn't really connect well. Each stanza should somehow relate to the other stanzas. One band I know of that has a shitty habit of having songs that don't connect at all is Breaking Benjamin, and so you can't really feel for their songs much.

I'd keep with a singular theme of freezing wasteland/hell. Though many people who haven't read Dante's Inferno might think of hell as hot, but screw them.

[TheSilverGuitar]

At 1/10/09 10:54 PM, RedDreadSky wrote: I tend to like songs better if they're based off of something that can actually be read as a poem and sound good.

I like The Doors as well.

[ragingfred]

meh, it's decent.

[AmazingTheNinja]

LET US BASK IN THIS MASTERPIECE'S BOOTY.

Er...I mean beauty!

[Hellian00]

At 1/10/09 10:35 PM, zero-gravity wrote:

At 1/10/09 10:25 PM, Serbian-terrorist wrote:

I wouldn't add anything else man, it's perfect.

Yea but it still needs parts to be a complete song. right now that is about 1 min with filler.

Add instrumentals. The whole song doesn't need to be vocals. Sometimes, a little is all you need.

[Drugged]

It looks like lyrics HIM would use, lmao. It probably wouldn't be bad though.

[Evark]

Poetry in userpage, music in Audio Portal.