Well I woke up like every other day. Got dressed, made some coffee and watched the birds eat bird seed off of my deck. I was just sitting there eating my cheerios when I heard a loud roar in the back of the house. I went to investigate only to find a gigantic turtle eating the rock salt that I put in the hot water heater. I was furious. So I did the only logical thing and took off all my clothes. I put my pants over it's head to distract it, tore the buttons off of my shirt and shot them at the tortoise with the elastic waistband in my boxers. After an hour of me battling this turtle I began to see the futility.
So I retreated outside. I climbed up onto my neighbors roof and began throwing fecal matter at their dogs. Not long after this a cop pulled up and asked me to get down. I told him it was too cold not to drink my own urine and jumped off as he commanded. He then slapped the cuffs on me and put me in the passenger seat of his cruiser. (He already had a criminal in the back seat)
After a while of driving, I became highly aroused. I always get an erection while wearing handcuffs. The cop took notice, because he was staring at my 3 inch penis every 5 seconds. I asked him if he would like to suck it and he said "OF COURSE!!". He stopped the car and as he bent his head down, I thrusted my pelvis up, lodging my penis into his nostril and entering his brain killing him instantly. This surprised me because my penis wasn't large enough to reach the brain. I dumped his body on the side of the road and began to drive to Canada.
Halfway there the criminal in the back seat regained conciseness. He began screaming in a language that was foreign to me. So I took the cops gun and shot him in his anus. That shut him up. I pulled over to take a piss when a guy with 2 dogs, a mule, and a monkey can wandering towards me. I looked up and noticed that the monkey had a hat on. I scrambled for my cell phone to take a picture when I finally realized that I left them in my pants that were still on the turtles head. WHY DOES THIS SHIT ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME! I NEVER HAVE MY PHONE WHEN I NEED IT!
TL;DR: I am being brought up on 2 counts of animal abuse, 1 count of assault with a deadly weapon, 1 count of first degree murder, and 3 counts of public indecency.