What would Sam Kinison say?

[Proteas]

I was cleaning out some boxes today, and ran across this as a printout. I laughed my ass off then, and I laughed my ass off today re-reading this. Now, I bring it to you, the Newgrounds BBS. Enjoy.

ENJOY IT OR ELSE!!!

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What would Sam Kinison say? part 1
by Mark on 3/20/2004 (17)

What would Sam Kinison say about world events today? Here are some possibilities:

Smooth Operator: "Sam, how do you feel about Saddam Hussein and terrorism?"

Sam Kinison: "I understand terrorism. I was married for 2 years. I'm not in tune why everyone hates Islam, I mean, here's a religion that makes women wear a veil over their mouths! Saddam is alright in my book...Saddam's a solid guy...here's a guy who had 4 wives...FOUR F__KING WIVES, MAN! He had so much trouble with them, he ended up putting his face on the Iraqi dollar bill. That's so when they go shopping to spend his hard-extorted money, he's letting them know he's still watching!! OH-OH-OHHH!!..."

Smooth Operator: "Sam, what are your opinions on Martha Stewart?

Sam Kinison: "Martha is like all women, everywhere. She's baking an apple pie and knitting a sweater when you're at home, but then she's playing craps with your IRA and screwing your best buddie when you're at work! Man, she's just two-faced, women have two personalities like that, you know? The angel and the devil...the closest my ex-wife came to being Martha Stewart was giving me half the pots and pans in the divorce!! OH-OHHH!"

Smooth Operator: "What are your feelings on the outsourcing of jobs to China?"

Sam Kinison: "Well, first you have to understand what makes the average Chinese happy. These are people who lived in bamboo huts and ate grasshoppers and fisheads for 4 thousand years, and they were basically happy...they were eating bugs and they were F__KING HAPPY!...Then Mao came along, gave them 16 hour work days, some snappy marching tunes and maybe some extra bugs and another bamboo addition to their huts, and man, they're so damn happy they went F__KING MAD WITH JOY!...OHHHH!! Compare that to the average American worker who can't decide on a third SUV or a trip to Vegas! OH-OH-OHH!"

Smooth Operator: "NASA just landed 2 rovers on Mars. What are your feelings on space exploration?"

Sam Kinison: NASA claims the major benefit of space exploration is in spinoff technology...I mean, they can flawlessly transmit a stream of data from another planet 40 million miles away, right? So where's the spinoff, man? I made a cell phone call driving to Needles in the open desert...THE OPEN F__KING DESERT, and my cell phone is zapping in and out! I hope space technology is benefitting the Martians, because we Earthlings just ain't seeing it!! OH-OH-OHHHH!!!"

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Part 2.

I'm not sure how my editor Kris Steele pulled this one off, except it might have explained all of those trips to Haiti, but I was interviewing Sammy, live!

Smooth Operator: "Sam, we missed you during the Clinton years. What are your feelings on the Clinton administration?"

Sam Kinison: "You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say... I really, really believe Bill was a student of the Gospel, because when you ask him a question, he answers it with a riddle. Jesus used to answer questions in riddles, too. In Luke, chapter 9, Jesus says "And they understood none of these things: and this saying was hid from them, neither knew they the things which were spoken."...What was Jesus talking about, man?...I'll tell you what, he knew exactly what he was talking about! Bill learned from Jesus. If you want to avoid crucifiction you gotta keep em' GUESSING!..OHH!

How else can a guy like Bill get elected president twice?...He's got Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers, Susan McDougal and Monica Lewinsky going at one time or another, but he doesn't get divorced or impeached! How does he get away with it? When Hillary asks him where the lipstick on his Johnson came from, or when congress asks him if he ever smoked a joint or lied under oath, he says something like: "And they understood none of these things: and this saying was hid from them, neither knew they the things which were spoken."...sound familiar? SOUND F__KING FAMILIAR!!...OF COURSE IT F__KING DOES! The big difference is that Jesus was after a free meal of figs and goat cheese, and Bill was after a blowjob and a second term! OH-OH-OHHH!!"

Smooth Operator: "What are your feelings on Janet Jackson's 'slip' at the Superbowl?"

Sam Kinison: "Well, if you want to understand what the controversy is all about, you have to think about what tits are. Breasts are mammary glands, man, thats all. 'Tits' are something different. When you wrap up breasts in a lacy black underwire bra they take on a sexual connotation. If you watch a National Geographic special on Africa, you see tribal women running around with their hooters in plain view, bouncing around...where's the vulgarity? Why isn't showing breasts in a primitive setting unacceptable? Where's the FCC then, man? I think it would be cool, to send Janet to Africa to make a National Geographic music video with a primitive tribe. That way she can go TOTALLY topless, and NO-ONE WOULD F__KING CARE!...They'd play it uncensored on PBS over and over and over again, and NO-ONE WOULD F__KING CARE!! Why? Because breasts are NOT vulgar when they're a source of milk! Breasts are only vulgar when they become TITS!..OH-OH-OHHH!!!"

Smooth Operator: "How do you feel about Arnold Schwarzenegger as California's new governor?"

Sam Kinison: "I think Arnold is the perfect choice for California. Here's a guy who made a name for himself by making movies like Conan and the Terminator. Hell, even I like to look at myself as Conan sometimes, especially when I'm drunk and I'm carrying a sword around! Californians are in love with the Terminator...you cross the border illegally, BAM!, YOU'RE F__KING TERMINATED!! You pull a guy outta his truck and bash his brains in with a brick, BAM!...F__KING TERMINATED!! This is why they elected Arnold, so he would start terminating people for real!...This is a state full of people who are dreaming of a new Uber Fuhrer...The only problem is, Arnold is an ACTOR!!...OHH!...HE'S A F__KING ACTOR, YOU DICK-HEADS! HE'S NOT A POLITICIAN, HE'S NOT THE NEXT UBER FUHRER, HE'S NOT THE TERMINATOR, HE'S A F__KING ACTOR!! If he ever runs up against the Predator ravaging L.A., then you're covered...but when the time comes to balance the school lunch money budget, let's hope he has an accountant in his character resume! SAY IT!! SAY IT!!...OH-OH-OHHH!!...

[Proteas]

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I think Sam would have said something like....

Smooth Operator: "Have you read the latest about fast food? Obesity just overtook smoking as the leading cause of death in America.

Sam Kinsion: "Who's doing these studies, man? Every guy knows the leading cause of death in America is MARRIAGE! OH-OH!...The FDA needs to put a warning sticker on every wedding dress, with messages like 'till death do us part', 'for better or for worse' and 'for richer or for poorer', so the stiff can think things through before he gives it up...Lives will be saved man, MILLIONS OF F__CKING LIVES WILL BE SAVED! They need to print a special warning label on cigarettes for newlyweds that says 'Carbon monoxide is a great way to commit suicide!'"

Smooth Operator: "Sam, have you watched the hit TV series 'American Idol?"

Sam Kinison: "Yeah, and they've got it all wrong. The contestants are treated way, way too nice, man. You know what I mean? Instead of voting a lousy singer off, they should do what they did in Shakespeare's day. You're off key!...BAM! ROTTEN TOMATO TO THE FOREHEAD!...Missed a note!...BAM! CABBAGE IN THE GUT!...Better yet, they should dress Simon Cowell as Pontius Pilot...he'd give thumbs down and say things like 'You are the worst singer in the world!' now STONE HIM!...STONE HIM!!...OH-OH! American Idol doesn't need a studio audience, man! They need a lion pit! "

Smooth Operator: "Sam, what's the first thing you'll do when you get back to earth?"

Sam Kinison: "Pick up on the support payments, man. They've got me payin' through the next life too! Seriously, I'd like to do some lines and get laid. I miss that, I miss the pleasures of the flesh...being an ethereal glob of cosmic energy sucks, man. Sometimes I float down to the Sands in Vegas and try to pick up a beer off the bar and my hand passes right through it! Being dead is like an AA program that really works!! OH-OH-OHHH!

http://www.smthop.com/

(editorials Section, "Mark" is the author)

[CapnRusty]

I have to admit that I skimmed, but Sam Kinison is a great comedian and you did that perfectly.
ALSO, first post, sup NG?

[FUNKbrs]

At 12/16/08 08:54 PM, CapnRusty wrote:

ALSO, first post, sup NG?

From us, you shall learn fear, and if that fear keeps you alive long enough, you'll learn hate that will make you strong.

Sam is the man, though.

Sam: So I heard they threw shoes at the fucking president. We bomb this country, pump every dollar out of it, and now this poor fucker only has SHOES left to throw at us?! Never let anybody tell you we didn't win in Iraq, guys, because I'm telling you, the day / start chucking fucking shoes man, that's the day you guys just go ahead and put a bullet in my head, because we have LOST the motherfucking war.

[marchohare]

At 12/16/08 08:54 PM, CapnRusty wrote: ...Sam Kinison is a great comedian...

At 12/17/08 05:41 PM, FUNKbrs wrote: Sam is the man...

Well... was a great comedian. Was the man.

It's not good to be a fat comedian. Sam, John Candy, John Belushi, Chris Farley... dead, all dead, dead when they were still young. Funny fat guys should be afraid... very afraid...

[stafffighter]

At 12/17/08 05:58 PM, marchohare wrote:

At 12/16/08 08:54 PM, CapnRusty wrote: ...Sam Kinison is a great comedian...

At 12/17/08 05:41 PM, FUNKbrs wrote: Sam is the man...

Well... was a great comedian. Was the man.

It's not good to be a fat comedian. Sam, John Candy, John Belushi, Chris Farley... dead, all dead, dead when they were still young. Funny fat guys should be afraid... very afraid...

It's it clear? The government is assasinating them. In our image obssed society do you really think we would tolerate a successful, intellegent fat man surviving to old age? Before you know it people would wonder whichever stance we have on eggs at the moment

[wildfire4461]

LMFAO that's perfect! I've always wondered what his take on Clinton's "zippergate" scandal would've been like XD. Why do we have to lose the good comedians? Him, now George Carlin? It's impossible to replace them.