If you asked a librarian where the books on self help were would they tell you, or would that defeat the purpose?

If I was a librarian, I would snicker and direct them to the book.

If ATM stands for Automatic Teller Machine, why do we call it an ATM machine? And if PIN stands for Personal Identification Number, why do we call it a PIN number?

I don't, only idiots do that.

At 12/17/08 07:45 PM, sumidiotdude wrote: Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

It is.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

It's a term used nationally.

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

There are both.

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Because it takes in money.

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Because the first once is being sarcastic.

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Age identification, and because most people drive.

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Yes, the gun makes a noise.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Totally. Because it's possible.

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Drives a car there.

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Because it's always open.

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

No, study a cow's digestive system.

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

Melting and solidifying them together.

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

There would be a splat.

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

They'd break, you'd be going too fast.

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Because some blind people have special cars.

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Same reason Iceland is green land and Greenland is ice land.

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards as it is forwards?

Because it is, but we're too lazy to say palindromemordnilap.

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Shipment is the actual shipping, cargo is the actual item.

If a black box in a plane is indestructible, why can't they make the whole plane out of it?

The material costs too much.

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Helps to concentrate.

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?

They wanna confuse you.

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Air.

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

It consists of many parts.

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Because both do both.

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

Going off means turning on when used correctly.

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Hell yeah.

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

It doesn't.

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

It's not.

Why is there an expiry date on my sour cream container?

Sour cream is called sour cream because it's sour, not because it's rotten.

Why call it a building if it's already been built?

Good question.

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Because they want to.

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

When they sound like crap.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

No.

Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

I would assume so.

If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn?

Dodge is a brand, dodge is a verb.

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

Nothing. Counting sleep actually stimulates the mind.

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Purple.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Yes.

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

No.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Because they're wrong.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

No, they're dead.

Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?

Taking a dump, taking a test. Same thing.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Bread.

Why do we call it a hot water heater if the water is already hot?

Because it makes it scalding.

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

Technically yes.

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Babies.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

You, by pulling on the one above it.

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

They don't.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Tourist season is when tourism is busy, not when you hunt them.

Is there another word for thesaurus?

Probably not.

Is the color orange called that because it's the color of the fruit of the same name, or was the fruit called orange because that's its color? Which came first, the color or the fruit?

The fruit.

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

No.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

To help you adjust to self help.

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

Yes.

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

No.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Yes.

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Yes.

Is there another word for synonym?

Yes.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

No.

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

No.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Lol.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Because she's a whore.

Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?

Because pear is not equal to pair.

What do they pack Styrofoam in?

Boxes.

Why did God give men nipples?

Transvestites.

Is grass really greener on the other side?

Sometimes.

Do boxer shorts box?

Occasionally.

Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?

I don't wear panties or a bra.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

They wear wool.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Idk.

Why is it called a "near miss" when you don't hit something?

Because it was near.

When sign makers go on strike, is there anything written on their signs?

No.

Before the light bulb was invented, what appeared over peoples heads when they had an idea?

Lamps.

If you spin an Oriental person around and around, does he become disorientated?

Yes.

If a vegetable goes into a coma, is it called a person?

No. Vegetables can't go into comas.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Failed.

Why does the word monosyllabic contain five syllables?

Because mono = 1 and syllabic = relating to syllables.

If you wear an antennae to a wedding, would the reception be better?

Nope.

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

So you can abbrv. it.

If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box what color would it change to?

Invisible.

Why do people point to their wrist when they want to know the time? Do I point to my crotch when I want to know where the bathroom is?

I do.

Why is there an 's' in lisp?

To confuse lispists.

If you were scared half to death twice, would you be 3/4 dead or 100% dead?

.75 dead.

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Yes.

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

No.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest end up drowning as well?

No.

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Kill it.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

'Course.

I thought the teacher was a... what's the word... patronizing old fool.

At 12/17/08 07:29 PM, biohasard wrote: yes go to newgrounds for advice on dating.... logical.

Advice on dating? Where did he ask for that?

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Bravo.

Encore! Encore!

Seriously guys, change now. Even if Microsoft does release a fix, how long will it be until this happens again?

At 12/7/08 10:53 AM, TheRyoku wrote: Best Overall

Jon-86

Most Helpful

DearonElesner

Friendliest

Jon-86

Most Improved

[-NONE-]

Rookie of the Year

[-NONE-]

Best All Around

Jon-86

Best Tutorials

[-NONE-]

PHP King

[-NONE-]

C++ King

[-NONE-]

Javascript King

[-NONE-]

HTML/CSS King

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Most Missed [Regular from the past]

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Merrrrry Christmas!

now watch this explode because it's a girl.

They are delicious, granted.

But why so angry?

Calm down and ask the ladies why.

Maybe no money?

You people obviously do not love.

That would be awesome. I'd screw with the weather forecast.

It doesn't snow much in North Georgia... sads.

At 12/15/08 09:58 PM, paintballr wrote: and how many corporations would not even stand a chance of survival if windows didn't spoon feed you the information.

Many companies use Linux.

Many companies use Windows mainly because it is included with machines.

Agreed.

Science has it's faults.

Religion has it's faults.

Both can be easily explained.

Neither have solid proofy proof against the other.

Happy birthday, DJ! Have a slice!

Oh! Yay!

Somebody I remember has a birthday thread!

It's neither, it's both.

I'm neither, I'm both.

I'm a glass of water.

At 12/17/08 04:46 PM, Orange wrote: looks like the kid that sees dead people, but an adult

Close.

And Scud, I'd have to say some gangly teenager with pimples and brown hair.

No offense.

DearonElensar.

What an asshole.

Hey, I know you all hate me, but I want to know if anybody knows of an frequently updated list of spammers' IP addresses? I used Google, and it farted on me with results of people whining about spammers and not doing anything about it.

At 12/17/08 04:45 PM, Abyssus wrote: Tall, skinny, glasses, curly long hair.

True, slightly fatter than skinny, no glasses, and straightish long hair.

At 12/17/08 03:49 PM, TheZach wrote: Here you go

Zach is funny.

At 12/17/08 03:33 PM, Strength wrote: wow you must be one those real idiots.

Oh no, not another one...

Seriously dude, study mental disorders for a few weeks... days... even HOURS.

It's not that easy to do what you suggest.

I had that problem once, except with uploads.

Pessimistic dark haired fatso.

Somebody do me.

When do I win?

I really want to.

Hah, smooth. I downed two cups of hot chocolate in about 5 minutes. My digestive system was on fire, figuratively.

You sound angry. Act natural. It's all going to be OK for a while.

Pizza is delicious, with the liquidized cheese slowly pooling on my plate.

Awesome.

I think I remember something like that. Sounds awesome, by the way. Tell me if you ever end up finding it.