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At 12/14/08 04:31 PM, VI-Chuckles-IV wrote:

At 12/11/08 01:16 AM, Xorias wrote: radda radda

Could be longer, but otherwise fine. Very funny. I can definitely see this in a flash movie.

The entire prologue was originally in the first script, but I felt it was too long so I cut a quarter of it out. But I may add some more "rant and banter" between the two guards.
They practically write their own lines.

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At 12/14/08 08:40 AM, gumOnShoe wrote:

At 12/13/08 04:23 AM, Xorias wrote: Then again are Audio Skits allowed on the Audio Portal?

Yeah, you just have to post them as Voice Acting or give them some sort of beat and put them in miscellaneous. If you check out my favorites you'll see Scribbler, a guy who used to visit this club all the time, did exactly that.

I'd go the voice actor route honestly and try to get popular that way, then maybe pick up an animator later. Radio before TV you know?

I just may give it a try.
Kinda makes all the "scene background" remarks in the script pointless for it but you have to kill a race or two to commit genocide.

...

Why did I choose that kind of analogy?!

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Wow, two writers area, except this one is bigger.

I'm trying to get an animator but so far I don't think I'm going about it the right way.
I'm kinda hoping that posting and hanging around the BBS that I'll be able to make some connections...
:\

On the other hand I do already have some voice actors who've voiced interest if the project gets some more support.

Then again are Audio Skits allowed on the Audio Portal?

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There are a few lines that need special attention voice wise (But I kinda plan on voicing the Guards and Cobb so its not a big problem) but it would be great if I found a talented enough flash artist to tackle it.

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At 12/11/08 10:17 AM, zbox101 wrote: Xorias, I'm not sure how you critque a script, but that was decently funny, and could see it as a newgrounds flash or a comic. Great work made me day so far.

Well in the past, I've had teachers who've critiqued my use of the scenes, the characters dialogue, etc., but I am glad to finally get some input on the humor of it.

I try to do "Frisky Dingo" style of humor, but which I mean I try to do plot it just enough to where it really doesn't make any sense unless you've seen the previous episodes.

Also, does the length feel like its long enough because I can never figure out how long it would be animated and whether or not I should add more dialogue. I was aiming for about 3 to 4 minutes with this one and the second one I'm aiming to double that.

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I suppose I could share a script.
Grunt Work
Xorias
Background: The first part of Grunt Work, which is still on-going series of scripts I've written, deals with a Lieutenant trying to get his CO discharged from the military so that he can assume the leadership of a base located in the middle of a frozen wasteland.

FADE IN TO REVEAL A FORTRESS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FROZEN WASTELAND. SLOW ZOOM IN ON TWO GUYS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE ENTRANCE. THE GUY ON THE RIGHT IS SHIVERING AND TRYING TO STAY WARM, THE GUY TO THE LEFT IS OBVIOUSLY ANNOYED.
AS THE CAMERA CONTINUES TO ZOOM, IT FADES OUT TO A CLOSE UP SHOT OF THE TWO GUARDS.

GUARD1: I think my testicles just officially became icicles.

GUARD 2: This is so stupid, I don't even know where to begin.

GUARD1: Seriously man, I could go around the corner, pound one out and the end result would come spewing out like ice from a soda fountain.

CUT TO CLOSE UP ON GUARD 2

GUARD 2: First of all, stop with the masturbation jokes.

QUICK CUT TO GUARD 1
GUARD1: Thats the first one I've told all day.

CUT BACK TO CLOSE ZOOM OF BOTH OF THE GUARDS

GUARD2: Second of all, has it crossed your mind at all as to why we've been out here for so long?

GUARD1: I find it easier not to question those in charge, it usually keeps you alive longer.

GUARD2: So you're going to blindly follow whatever that lunatic inside orders?

GUARD1: Well...isn't that what you did? I mean you're out here too.

GUARD2: Hey, I protested the entire way out here!

GUARD1: Uhh that's not how I remember it, as I recall you we so far up the CO's ass that I'm surprised you didn't have to wipe your nose.

GUARD2: Thats the lamest "brown noser" joke I've ever heard.

GUARD1: How many have you heard exactly?

GUARD2: Just that one, and it sucked.

GUARD1: Just relax man, they wouldn't have sent us out here for no reason.

QUICK CUT TO THE COMMAND CENTER WHERE LT. COBB, THE COMMANDER, AND A ROBOT ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF A VIDEO SCREEN WATCHING THE TWO GUARDS

COBB: Commander, is there some reason you have two guards posted outside?

CMDR: Yes. They are SPIES!
(COBB RAISES AN EYEBROW)

COBB: Spies?...How do you figure?

(THE COMMANDER PUTS AN ARM AROUND COBB)
CMDR: My dear second-in command. It was simple. I asked them if they had a dollar I could borrow as I was having an uncontrollable urge for a Snickers from the vending machine.

(THERE IS A SHORT PAUSE)

COBB: So how does th-
CMDR: They gave me TWO dollars Cobb. TWO!

COBB: Which brings us back around to my first question: WHY ARE THEY OUTSIDE IN THE FREEZING COLD?!

CMDR: So they can't spy on us. Can't let them walk through the base knowing all our secrets.

COBB: So you've condemned them to death via Hypothermia.

CMDR: Death?! Heavens no, I need them alive so that we may interrogate them.

COBB: Yeah...the weather out there is probably more than halfway towards killing them.

CMDR: The weather? My god! The weather is attacking us!

COBB: Again you have the attention span of a mutated sponge.

CMDR: No, don't you see?! Its a pre-emptive strike!

COBB: Sigh. (He actually says sigh here)

CUT BACK TO THE TWO GUARDS

GUARD1: Hey, I think we have an important job here! Guarding this base from intrusion.

GUARD2: Yeah, about that: WHAT CONCEIVABLE REASON WOULD ANYONE HAVE TO BREAK INTO THIS BASE!?

GUARD1: Uh, resources?

GUARD2: Resources? That's rich! What? Someone is going to steal all the ice around us?! OH LORDY! SAY IT AIN'T SO!

CUT TO BLACK SCREEN WITH THE WORDS: "MEANWHILE"
NARRATOR: Meanwhile.
CUT TO A ROOM WITH FOUR GENERALS SITTING ADJACENT FROM EACH OTHER, IN FRONT OF THEM IS A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION ENTITLED "OPERATION: ICE HARVEST"

GENERAL1: So thats the basic idea for the plan. Brilliant right?
(THE OTHER GENERALS LOOK AT EACH OTHER)
GENERAL2: Uh Bill, the purpose of this meeting was whether or not to instill a Tropical Fridays within the military...
GENERAL1: Oh.
(THERE IS A LONG PAUSE)
GENERAL1: Yes...yes we should.
CUT BACK TO THE COMMAND CENTER, COBB IS CONVERSING WITH THE ROBOT

COBB: Look, I've had all that I can take of Commander Moron so you distract him while I head to the Cafeteria to finsih some paper work.
ROBOT: You can count on me sir.
(THE ROBOT TAPS THE COMMANDER ON THE SHOULDER)
CMDR: What is it?

ROBOT: I always tell lies!...The previous statement is false.
(The commander raises his hand and is about to say something, then stops and is suddenly in deep thought)
CMDR:...What...what does that even mean!?

CUT TO THE CAFETERIA WHERE THE LIEUTENANT IS TAKING SOME PAIN MEDICATION AND SHUFFLING THROUGH SOME PAPERS WHILE ALSO DRINKING SOME COFFEE

COBB: There has to be a way to get rid of that jackass. I don't think my heart can take anymore of this.
(A SOLDIER ENTERS)
SOLDIER: Uh sir...we just got a fax from the pentagon.

COBB: GASP! (He actually says Gasp) Could it be they've finally seen the error of their ways?! (He snatches the folder, opens it to the first page and reads. Shortly afterwords his face turns violently red as he reads the first page aloud) Starting this Friday we are going to have "Tropical Fridays" so be sure to spice things up!
(HIS HANDS TREMBLE FOR A MOMENT, THEN HE SCREAMS AND THROWS THE PAPERS IN THE AIR)
COBB: This military is run by retarded snails! Is there no way I can escape from this hell!?
(SUDDENLY A PAPER LANDS ON HIS FACE. HE GRABS IT AND IS ABOUT TO RIP IT APART UNTIL HE READS IT)
COBB: ....Yes...I...I've got it! EUREKA I'VE GOT IT! It's perfect...yes. (HE BEGINS TO LAUGH LIKE A MANIAC AND THEN THE CAMERA CUTS TO A CLOSE UP OF THE PAPER AND THE WORDS: "OPERATION: ICE HARVEST" ARE PLAINLY VISIABLE.)

CUT TO BLACK SCREEN WITH DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING:
NARRATOR: Next time, on Grunt Work!
CUT TO THE TWO GUARDS OUTSIDE THE BASE STILL

GUARD1: Yeeeeeeeep. I can't feel my legs. All three of them.

GUARD2: And so begins the penis jokes.
FADE OUT CUT TO CREDITS

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How many years have you been writing?
Lets see...started in creative writing in High school sophmore year so...I guess as a hobby I've been writing about 4 years and I'm still looking to improve myself.
How many flash story's you have written:
I've written 3, but they never got past the basic "first scene" in animation, so I still have them sitting around waiting for a dedicated animator to take a crack at.
How many real life story's you have written:
Just one short story I finished about a month ago and am trying to get published (Still working with the 2007 Writers Handbook and using those sources) Still slowly working on a novel but I want to take some more college courses on creative writing before I take a full time crack at it.

And your name (optional): I'll go by my Author name: N.H Treat