Aries
You will be poked, violently, in the belly button. You must pay the man for his services.
Libra
You will obtain free goods today. Run in a shop, grab some random chocolate bar and run out the story still clutching them without being caught.
Taurus
Wear a red shirt, piss off your star-sign.
Scorpio
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
Gemini
You will learn the true value of friendship. Put your friend on E-Bay.
Sagittarius
You will be surprised to realise how much of a fucking failure you are. Remember, down the road and not across the street.
Cancer
Hahaha, cancer.
Capricorn
You will be surprised today. That vodka that you're drinking, it's really bleach. Why else did the bar man serve it in a tinted glass besides the fact you're in a gay bar?
Leo
You will lose a friend today. He's behind the sofa.
Aquarius
You will learn the power of trust. You will be sold a bag of grass thinking it's marijuana.
Virgo
Today, you will learn the power of Monopoly.
Pisces
You're getting help from a mysterious source that might never become clear to you. You have a stalker