No, it's not about an ex since i don't have any but more like: How can i move on with my life? How the fuck do i move on!? I just can't! I have gone hours of therapy, talking about my life and how to move on, she said "It's time to move on, it's time to close this chapter and move on to the next one" It worked well until recent times, i'm plagued by anxiety and memories i wish so strongly for to go away, i want my memory erased for good, but at the same time keeping the memories of who i am, my friends and family, however we do posses memory erase technology, problem is they erase everything
want to know what torments me? Alright, let's go.
It all started in 4th grade, a day before a who-i-thought-was-my-friend(s) was gonna have a birthday party, so day before the birthday party at school we ate candy, chips and drank soda all day long because i was moving away with my mother and my brother, my parents were separating, the total cost for all that junk food came up to 100 - 300 dollars. That's shit load of money and what a way they repayed me back
So the next day at whats-his-name birthday party, it was awesome as any birthday party, later on we went to his basement where all the kids were doing they're thing. I was in the basement too, only i was in far-away land I.E i was day dreaming, so much i don't know how long i was gone. Suddenly everyone ran up but me because i don't know what exactly happened, all i recall is some fucking lego shit falling from the wall, then the whats-his-name mom came down, put them back up and YELLED at me, those fucking jackasses sold me out, what a fucking way to repay me right? Yesterday we all ate junk the ENTIRE school day and this is how they repay me, thanks guys, i'll be sure to ruin your faces the next time we meet.
So i ran up to the nearest bathroom crying, remember this was in 4th grade!
Even now as i type this, my anger builds up towards those kids who were supposed to be my friends and the fucking bitch, so if i get post all hateful, please understand why.
Does it end there? Nope, there's more to come!
So when we moved to the new house i started in the local school, i even get anxiety by thinking of it, first day of school i actually started to cry because i sat alone, the reason why i cried will be writen later on. Then during the break, i shun everyone away who wanted to be my friend because i just wanted to be alone, even to this day i don't know why i did that, this is also the cause of my anxiety. I wasn't always alone however, my bestest of friend later on cought me and we've been friends ever since. Still it wasn't that great at the school, i was kinda picket on by 2 kids, the reason is i was VERY violent kid at the time, i was the kid who drew war pictures, bloody battlefields and all that, only they 2 did it. No one else picked on me, just left me alone which i appreciate them for, i rather be left alone than be picket on for it.
But i wasn't always lonely, i did get some few friends i stuck around with, which was cool, but they RARELY spendt any time with me after school hours. If i actually met them outside just taking a walk, if i try to join in, they try to chase me away which has happened many times, also the reason for anxiety. They really never cared about me, i doubt they would miss me if i die, so fuck them.
So during my childhood, i beat up a kid twice because he asked for it, when i lost it there were few who could calm me down, but if they couldn't, they most likely had to drag me away from the victim. I now remember i punched a girl in the arm... one of the reasons for major anxiety... oh god do i ever regret doing that. I hope she will forgive me for that.
Once i had an argument with one of the 2 who picked on me, i don't remember what he said but i exploded on him, so i grapped a very large piece of wood, a thick blunt spear and i RAMMED it up his back as hard as i could, he isn't paralyzed or anything, he's doing just fine... well except the time i rammed that blunt spear up his back, all his friends was pissed at me but i didn't pay attention, this happened in 5th or 6th grade. I got my bike and rode out of there, they formed a line, but i lifted the front of my bike which scared them for some reason but it worked, they broke off and i didn't come back for 2 days. During my time at the child school i left the school 3 times and skipped hours while at school due to STRONG negative emotions, strangely the teacher did not care, which was cool.
I remember once before i left the school, again, my fav teacher came and convinced me to stay, i was put in a room where i let my hate out. You can bet there was a lot of noise came from that room.
It wasn't always so bad at the school, i did have my share of fun and small time good memories. So in 8th grade, new school and new start for life! I have more good memories from this school except for one fatal flaw they made, they didn't adapt school hours perfectly for me, i'm mildly retarded, that's why they were supposed to adapt school to me, i was supposed to have 4th grade math book but they gave me 8th grade math book and homework that STRESSED THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ME! In 9th grade they payed the price for this, severly, i was diognosed with psychosis; voices in head and violent pictures that would make you feel nausea. So they felt the guilt, they felt the anger from my parents and a shrink, a teacher got fired for this! But as i said, i had more good time at this school than the last, so i don't know if i should be mad or not! Should i visit them and be mad? Or forgive them?
So i was in a mental hospital for 3 weeks, the cover story was for depression, which ironically, we had a very depressed kid in our class, literally, he had the mental disease; depression. Anyway, how was the mental hospital? It was boring but, i was relaxed and good time to chill out and forget the stress.
When i got back, it was good, 2 months before summer in 9th grade i broke my arm so complicated they had to give it surgery and place it back! O.o How was it brokened? In my left arm, the left bone broke upwards, the right bone broke downwards, then twist them 360 degrees and the arm wasn't connected to the elbow! So yea, very complicated, i asked the doctor how i disconnected my elbow from the arm when i landed like superman, literally, i landed straight down with my left arm touching the ground, i was like a stick on the ground when i crashed XD He joked about it and asked me "how DID you do it?" awesome doctor.
After that, t'was cool, in the next school i began in, no bad memory there, pure awesome school, first year was awesome, 2nd year is the best year of my life in school, third year was kinda dissapointing because everyone was spread out in the school ): still cool though.
And i still remember to write why i cried the first day of school, my self-esteem was LOW, major low, even to this day it's low, i don't have much confident in me because since then no one has believed in me, and i have been betrayed so many times i have serious issues trusting people, i only trust 1 or 2 persons in my life, maybe more. Even recent times people have said "you can trust me" only to be later on betrayed by them, so i think... i really can't trust anyone, maybe i don't trust anyone at all.
I'm just so afraid to be betrayed, the pain has sown in my heart so much and so tight i can't even cry about it, i try to force it out but none comes out, i'm a fucking robot
So there's me, i'm just a paranoid kid with mental problems and serious issues in trusting people, but i guess that is what makes some of us normal... maybe not. But then again what is normal? No one really is, it's just an illusion created by people so they can pretent they don't have any problems when they infact do, just don't want to admit it. They may or may not have any problems, but these days, many have
so please, how do i move on?
