Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

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At 4/3/11 06:38 AM, ZeeAk wrote: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

1936, manufactured in Dresden.

Do you actually type on that?

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A 'team' of writers, you say?
Shoot me a pm if you need an extra pair of hands.

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This play is completely random. I cannot fathom what the fuck is going on, what not with talking squirrels and ten year old pilots. This would be excusable if it were funny, but it isn't in the slightest. Random does not automatically mean funny.

Not intentionally trying to put you down, I'm just being honest here.

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It was a cold, dark evening in the apartment of 6B at the Oasis Apts. and a mysterious man had just entered his home.

Exactly how was he mysterious? Did he have a trenchcoat, a mask on, or what?

:After removing his clothing and dropping them on the floor, soon to find them floating from that spot to his drawers, he sits down in his comfy leather chair and turns on his 50" 3DTV.

You've got two different tenses in one sentence.

"19 years ago, Rosh Blent, a college student who'd just entered his second year, was found dead in his apartment, with no trace of murder or heart attack. Scientists and doctors who have been working on this case for the last nearly 2 decades STILL have no explanation as to the mysterious death of this college student. To this day, his family visits his grave every year, around Christmas, with gifts. Not the kind of gifts you'd give a regular person, though, but the gift of love through being there with him on Christmas. Tomorrow marks the 2nd decade of Blent's death, and for that, his family will be visiting and he will be given love by a majority of them." The newswoman stopped. She'd put a grin on her face, chuckled, and looked to her colleague, Brown Welsh. "Now back to you Brown."

Beats me how someone would report on something old that occurred 19 years ago.

"Thanks, Lynda. Today in spor-" The TV sparked off.

No, no. The tv doesn't spark off. Flickered off would be a better expression.

I'll be honest here. 5/10. You could have gone into more detail about the murder/suicide/fake death, maybe add some morbid and unusual details, to make this story more engaging.

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Exactly. Imagine if the entire forum was filled with half-assed compliments with no suggestions on how to improve. It would be mayhem. I'd rather have a near empty forum than a spammed up one.

Actually, this forum is the only place I know of so far that has the best chance of giving you a harsh but completely honest critique. We should be more grateful for that fact. Unlike fanfiction.net. By the way, don't hang around that site if you're serious about writing.

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If you're going to describe your experiences on gameplay alone, then you're just going to be spouting sentences like 'Today I built a house,' 'Today I saw a zombie'. It's going to get very boring and redundant, especially for those who have already played the game, and don't need to know how it's like. You'd better take a moment to sit down and think of a new and interesting plot.

However, the bit at the start gives me hope. Make sure you nurture your main character, give him feelings and emotions. Give him personality. Work on your writing, too. Show, don't tell.

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Everyone...just shut the fuck up and let this already meaningless thread die.

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You used the word sword too much

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At 2/28/11 07:38 AM, 4urentertainment wrote: How's the judging coming along?

I've finished scoring the entries. I'm probably the only one who has though, and there's still the possible meet-up on stickam that's on our plates.

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Found this interesting article on tvtropes, its about how to write a badass villain.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/So YouWantTo/WriteAMagnificentBastard

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At 2/21/11 01:35 AM, ZeeAk wrote:

At 2/15/11 10:44 PM, ZeeAk wrote:

At 2/15/11 07:07 PM, Deathcon7 wrote: Also, good luck if you decide to shop it.

Thanks. I'll let you guys know how that goes.

Just in case you guys are still interested (I sure as hell am, obviously), I submitted it to a few publishers a couple of days ago. One of them replied yesterday, expressing interest and they're currently reviewing it for an edit.

Please keep us updated. I'm sure many of us are interested to see how the publishing process works.

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Agito noticed a strange, decrepet aura to the man.

If you want to establish the old man's power, you'd better show instead of tell. Describe Agito's feelings, like maybe he felt frightened for no reason, or whatever. Or describe something that was off about the old man, like maybe the grass was yellow where he stood, y'know?

Also I find it strange that Agito, after behaving like a jerk, suddenly decides to help the old man out like a good samaritan.

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At 2/16/11 05:53 PM, tinytim12 wrote: Finally. Damn it, I'll win next time.

Oh, and, I assume you'll be posting critiques?

Please don't ban me for the double post

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Finally. Damn it, I'll win next time.

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At 2/15/11 07:10 PM, Deathcon7 wrote: Now accepting review requests for potential Anthology submissions. Please make arrangements for a private reading, and post the details here, or PM me the information.

Remember, first-run means you can't post the story publicly. Doing so will disqualify it from consideration for the Anthology.

Just wanted to say, Deathcon, you're brilliant. Absolutely awesome. Thanks for taking the time to critique all sorts of bad writing on this forum.

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At 2/15/11 08:49 AM, ZeeAk wrote: I feel like I should let you, my fellow Newgrounds writers, know that I just completed my very first novel.

Awesome. How long is it? Are you gonna publish it?

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Dad never put away any of his work things... Anyway, I picked up the chain, and I stealthily crept behind him.

This line breaks the pace. Change it.

Also, try to convey some of the character's feelings and emotions. Yes, you did that at the end, but you could have established his rage at his father or his love for his mother at the beginning to give the fight scene more meaning.

But it was a pretty cool story bro.

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Both of them didn't answer.

'Well, if you're going to be like that...' the cheerful guard pouted. 'Okay. I'll tell you. I'll tell. Are you ready? Are you ready? Your teacher for today is... the Black Mask!'

With all the insane turns Ivan's life had taken, he wasn't exactly surprised that the main character in a kid's cartoon show was going to appear in front of them.

'This is ridiculous!' Judge suddenly shouted. 'You've made a mockery of - '

Guard number one brought out his baton, but the second guard held up his hand. 'Plenty of time for that later, Ernie. Right now, is lesson time. Please proceed to your seats in an orderly manner.'

They didn't have much choice, and sat down at their desks. Their tables were absolutely clean, in contrast to the classroom they had been imprisoned in earlier.

The speakers above them burst into life, emitting a happy tune and cheerful music.

He eats, he sleeps, he climbs, he fights, he is the kiiiiiiiiiiing of juuuuuuuuuuuuuustice...

It's the BLACK MASK!

BLACK MASK!

Hero of all that is trust...wooooorthy....

Ba-dabum-daDUM!

A puff of smoke rose up at the whiteboard, and when it cleared, the costumed hero himself was standing there. Dressed in a long cape and boots with a face piece on his head, he looked a lot like a complete rip-off from Zorro.

'Greetings, heroes of justice,' Black Mask yelled, his voice reverberating around the room. 'Are you ready to save the world?'

Silence.

'Very good,' Black Mask yelled again, nodding his head so fast his black face was a blur. 'Very good! I'm glad we have so many young boys willing to fight the evil forces of darkness.'

He swept his cape back, and leapt onto the teacher's table, landing as silently as a cat. 'Now class, I'll have to be honest with you. You've been very bad boys, so our aim here is to re-educate you here in this institute.'

'That's right,' the guard affirmed from the back of the class.

'Actually, that's not what I'll be doing,' Black Mask said. 'His holiness, our most revered and respected leader DJ, thinks that you can be reformed and re-entered into society. But unfortunately, what I think is that you kids are too far deep in the looney bin.'

The guard shifted his foot uncertainly. 'Well sir, the thing is - '

'Be quiet,' Black Mask hollered. 'So instead, I'll be making sure the rest of your twisted lives will be horrible as possible, as an example to others, of course.'

'You're mad,' Judge suddenly squeaked. 'You're all mad.'

Black Mask threw his head back, his shoulders shaking in silent laughter.

'No, my child. You are. Why do you think you were sent here in the first place?'

The truth dawned on Ivan, and he found himself incapable of doing nothing but staring down at his desk. A lump of bile was rising up in his throat again.

'My dear child,' Black Mask whispered. 'This isn't a prison, you know. This is an asylum.'

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This story will seem extremely weird. I was trying to create a crazy and chaotic atmosphere.

Oh, and, this isn't the full story. Criticisms are always appreciated.

'Welcome to the School.'

He kicked and shoved, but it was no use. Both his hands and legs were sandwiched together by iron hands, and all he could do was look at what was in store for him.

As he was carried past the spotless, bright corridors of the School, several people passed him. They smiled at him, ignored his plight, and carried on. When he reached the stairs, he was simply tossed upwards, and he landed on his tailbone.

The guards ignored his yelp of pain, and one of them stepped forward, bending back his leg and delivering a kick of unnatural strength. Once more Ivan found himself flying through the air and tumbled straight into one of the classrooms, scattering tables and chairs until the hard wood of the teacher's chest stopped his momentum.

'Lesson starts in two hours.' One of the guards droned.

'Don't be so stoic, Jim,' the other one chirped. 'Can't you see this poor boy's nervous? It's his first day!'

'Let me out of here,' Ivan said, trying not to let his voice break.

The second guard ignored him. 'Not to worry, Ivan. Another time. Right now, Orientation! Prepare to meet your classmate!'

For the first time, Ivan realised that there was someone else in the room, and he could dimly make out rustles behind him.

'Have a nice day at school, dear!' the guard grinned horribly, his eyes nearly popping out of his sockets.

And then the door slammed shut. There was the click of a lock being turned.

'Hey,' someone behind Ivan croaked.

Ivan turned and saw a balding old man who se belly had seen better days. 'Hey,' the fat man repeated. 'I'm Judge. Nice to meet you.'

'The same to you,' Ivan murmured awkwardly, and pressed his hand to the wall. He had seen this place from outside, and knew that behind that layer of bright paint was a wall of solid steel. The truth abruptly slammed into him like a freight train, and he had to sit down.

'Come on, now,' Judge stood up, and tried to smile. 'Since we're all caught in the same storm, we might as well go through it together. You name is Ivan, am I correct?'

'Yeah.'

Judge chuckled some more, but to Ivan it sounded forced. 'Now, Ivan, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.'

Ivan sighed, and buried his face in his hands.

'You do know what class we are in, right, Class 1A.'

Ivan was still working on feeling sorry for himself, but he couldn't help but keep one ear open to listen to judge.

'Not many people know this, but people in 1A are gifted. Special.'

For some strange reason, Ivan felt a spasm of irritation. Perhaps it was the tone of voice Judge spoke in, an upbeat, optimistic chatter that was unlikely to be genuine.

'Anyway, back to the point. What I want to ask you, is - since you're in 1A, you are special, and that might mean - ' Now even judge couldn't keep his voice from breaking, from betraying a sliver of desperate hope.

' - that you may know...how to escape.'

Ivan turned his head, 'No,' he said. 'I'm sorry.'

Judge's features clenched and released as he tried to react. 'T-that's perfectly alright,' he stammered, and managed a grin. 'At least I have someone to talk to, though. If you hadn't arrived, I might have eventually gone mad.'

This did nothing to ease Ivan's fears. 'What's it like here,' he asked tentatively.

'If I had to describe it in one word,' Judge's eyes flitted to the left, and he licked his lips. 'It's crazy.'

The door slammed open, and the stony face guard marched in.

'Lesson,' he barked.

Ivan scrambled to his feet.

'Pardon me,' Judge said, 'but i believe you said it was two hours until our appointment.'

The guard's face never changed, but suddenly a baton was in his hand. 'Come here, Judge.'

'You can't do this to me,' Judge snapped. Ivan noticed his left hand was trembling. 'I'm a government official.'

'And I'm an official of DJ,' the guard slowly walked forward, and Ivan leapt out of his path.

'DJ is nothing,' Judge spat. 'The law is everything. Make sure you inform DJ that one day, the law will come.'

'I won't,' the guard said, and brought his baton down. Judge emitted an uncharacteristic shriek, accompanied by a wet thud. Ivan felt something rise in his mouth, and when he saw a few drops of blood drip down to the floor, he bent over and expelled most of his lunch.

Almost immediately the guard turned to him, and swung down the steel baton. Explosions of pain rippled everywhere across Ivan's skull, and he was flung to the ground.

'Lesson,' the stony guard said.

Ten minutes later, they were walking along one of the sickly garish corridors, leaving a small trail of blood behind them. Ivan glanced towards Judge. The left side of the old man's face was drenched in red, but he still had a determined look on his face. For his sake, Ivan hoped the judge wouldn't commit any more acts of rebellion, it looked like he was practically itching to do so.

Suddenly he became aware of a soft growling - the sound of a caged animal. He glanced towards Judge, but he wasn't the one snarling. It was coming from a door they were coming up on.

It was a rusty and unstable thing. Stamped on the door were the letters, 23.

'You know what that is?' the guard said.

Ivan wasn't sure if he would be beaten if he replied, so he kept silent.

'That is the detention center. If you're especially naughty, we have to put you in there.'

The growling sound was growing louder, and it suddenly transformed into a high-pitched wail of despair, one which made Ivan's bladder ten times heavier. As they reached the door, he was suddenly convinced that whatever was in there was come bursting out of its flimsy cage and tear them all limb from limb.

And then they passed room 23. The chilling sounds faded behind them as they walked towards their class.

The rest of the journey proceeded in silence. At the end of the corridor, they reached another door, sturdy looking this time. The guard knocked, and it opened to reveal the other guard who Ivan had met, the cheerful one.

'Welcome!' he exclaimed, rubbing his hands together. 'We've got a special treat for you lucky students! Guess what it is?'

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At 2/9/11 09:51 PM, TheTrooper5 wrote: Clive sat down at his desk like a man who couldn't type very well standing up.

Lolwut? What does a man who can't type well standing up look like? The metaphor is too vague.

This insect-weather contempt was cut short

I think you mean commentary.

"What? Like....a communist?" Every word choked Clive as they dredged themselves out of his throat. Clive remained motionless, his eyes transfixed at an arbitrary spot on the wall that may as well have been a sight on par with the Sistine chapel, albeit confined to a 1cm piece of drywall.
"Your desk looks very...presentable"

At first I thought Veronica said the last line. Indicate that Clive was speaking for the second time.

Overall it was pretty good and funny. Just don't put in that much metaphors - they lose their magic if you use them too often.

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I don't know much about poetry, so I don't know whether it'll break the rhythm, but perhaps you could use '_____s of slumber'

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Better than half the stories on this forum. Keep going.

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That's actually one of the better pieces on this forum, good job. It's not Shakespearian, though, it's more of a folksy medieval narration. which fits well.

My only criticism would be the stuff in brackets which break the pace. Otherwise, well done.

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At 1/29/11 08:37 AM, legionbear wrote: "Porphyria is what people call the vampire's disease. In our world people feel that this disease is a myth or that its just straight up fake. However there are many who have this disease, many call it a curse but I call it a blessing, People don't take kindly to what I do. Fuck what they think!!! They don't understand that a mans gotta eat, and besides I been hunting people since before I became a vampire. It did get harder to do since I got a record. Damn I fucking hate cops, they're just like other humans except they think they're badge protects them from my wrath. The names Abel, and as of now though I have a new target, another vampire named Amelia. If I consume her I'll become more powerful. I'll get two of my favorite things, Power and murder. I hear she has a kid sister, whose human, hehe. This means I can have some fun with this after all, I cant wait to see the look on Amelia's face as she is drained of her very life".

It's okay, except that you used the word power twice too soon.

If I consume her I'll become more powerful. I'll get two of my favorite things, Power and murder.

Variety makes it less tedious to read. I would also advise breaking this into paragraphs - to make it look easier to read and draw more readers.

( Meanwhile at Amelia's hideout)

If you're serious about writing, lose the brackets. This isn't the proper format.

" I hear that monster Abel is coming to kill me" said Amelia. " That's right what do you plan on doing about this sis" said Amelia's little sister Maria. " I plan on killing him first, in fact ill draw him out and challenge him to a fight to the death" said Amelia. Maria then says, " are you sure that's wise he has killed so many, he is bound to know how to fight".

You've got your tenses wrong. 'said' and 'then says' contradict each other's tenses. Also the dialogue is artificial and cliched.

"How did I know you were gonna show", says Amelia. Abel then smiles and says," I love a party, and by the way your sisters kinda cute maybe me and her can have a good time when this is all over hehe". Maria then looks at him in fear and runs behind Amelia. Amelia then says," who says your gonna be alive when this is all over, I don't plan on sparing you". Abel disregarding what Amelia just said gazes at Maria and Maria's fear then turns into trust, and love. Abel then says, I'm ready when you are beautiful hehe"...

The other guy who critiqued this is right. Break this up into one piece of dialogue per paragraph.

" Some people are just too naive I swear. Some people just ask to be killed hehe. I wonder if they're are any other vampires for me to drain, I feel more powerful already, I hope if there are more then I hope that they are more of a challenge because tonight was easy, what a waste of a life hehe." Abel then cracks his knuckles and says," time to go hunting", he then gets up and searches for his next prey.

You keep switching from past tense to present tense in the story. Decide on a tense, and stick to it.

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To be honest, I knew this writing jam thing was going to fail.

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At 1/30/11 09:42 PM, Jessprw wrote: Not bad, it was interesting if a bit vague. You should definitely try to post it to the anthology, though I'm not sure what category it would fall under, 'unfinished story?'

Actually, this is only a section of the full story, which I have already submitted. Thanks for the feedback.

This is my 100th post.

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At 1/29/11 11:53 PM, zalecot wrote: I am looking for someone to review my entire novel. I would not like to put the entirety of it online, but I am willing to e-mail it to anyone who is willing to read a copy. I am in the process of looking for a publisher right now, but am looking for some feed back.

PM ZeeAk or Deathcon. I think they're the only ones on this forum who might bother to read your entire novel.

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At 1/27/11 12:12 PM, Idiot-Finder wrote: http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1226 256

Need some feed backs and some pointers to help me out.

Done.

I wrote a story which is similar to Stephen King's It, meaning its going to switch between the past and the present between a group of friends. Anyway, I only have the prologue up, go take a look.

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1227 558

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At 1/21/11 07:05 PM, Idiot-Finder wrote: One day a blonde name Brandy Simmons was babysitting her neighbor's infant son when she came across a video on you tube called "Dynamic Exercise for Babies!". After spending hours and hours rewatching the video all over with a disturbing fascination, she came up with a brilliant idea. She believed that by doing what the woman in the video did, the baby will get a nice workout

Is this woman mentally retarded?

despite the fact that it was anything but however.

Awkward wording. Use 'anything but'

With that she went to the yard to see if the weather's good and fortunately for her, it's sunny with barely any clouds at all. Knowing this is a good time to have a workout with her neighbor's baby, she went back into the house to get the baby.

You got your tenses mixed up.

"Okay little Charlie, time for us to go outside and play!" said Brandy with a smile on her face

After taking the baby outside, she went on to swing the infant like a rag doll. Soon the dumb blonde starts to twirl the infant like a leek before proceeding to use him like a jump rope, it's a miracle the baby didn't stretch as his clueless babysitter eventually stop after ten jumps. Soon the baby became shaken and starts to vomit but the crazy woman didn't care. Soon Brandy prepares herself for the encore and said to the baby, "Okay Charlie, time for the encore!"

More bad tenses. Let me correct a few.

After taking the baby outside, she went on to swing the infant like a rag doll. Soon the dumb blonde started to twirl the infant like a leek before proceeding to use him like a jump rope, it was a miracle the baby didn't stretch as his clueless babysitter eventually stopped after ten jumps.

Read over your work next time.

All of a sudden, Brandy begins to swing the baby around like a rubber chicken until she loses her grip on little Charlie and flung him right over the fence.

"AAAAAAH! CHARLIE!" she screams

Is this supposed to be some sort of comedy piece? It better be. No other genre will allow a woman to be as ridiculously stupid as this.

It's too late however as a pair of hungry dogs are heard furiously tearing the baby in half...

Show, don't tell. Instead of just saying the dogs are heard tearing the baby in half, describe the sounds. Are there grunts? Ripping sounds? Screams?

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Lame.