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I can't blame you for feeling like this after this history of negative feedbacks. I'm not in a good position to give you any advice because I'm also dealing with this problem, but I can share an experience:

Recently, I had to play one piece of music at my college recital. It was an 8-minute solo guitar piece I composed, and I decided to play it myself(because I wanted to face this situation). It was a fairly easy piece, but I had some struggle with it. I practiced and tried to make it sound the best I could, but I still couldn't get it played 100% mistake free.

Well, the day of the recital came. They decided the order of the pieces one hour before the beginning and, for my LUCK, I was chosen to be the first. You can see this didn't help my anxiety at all haha. The time came, I went on stage, sat on the chair, looked quickly at the audience(though I don't remember seeing any face in particular), saw my right hand shaking as hell, took a deep breath and... started to play.

Things were going well during the first fews seconds of the piece until I made my first mistake. It was a minor and quick one so it didn't bother me that much. Then I got another minor one, and that bugged a lot. Now I had two mistakes on parts that, based on my practice, should have gone smoothly.

A few more minutes(felt like hours) went by and I made the major mistake. I fingered the chords in a bad way FOUR TIMES IN A ROW(as I remember, could've been more). But I didn't stop playing. I was like "the hell with it, it can't get worse than that". I looked at my hands and they were vibrating more than the strings hahahaha(it is funny now).

But after this came a huge realization to me. I just stopped caring. At that point, while I was playing, I just thought "I just have to go through the rest of this and be done, I don't give a fuck anymore". And as I say this you might think "he must have nailed the rest of the piece". Well, no. I made an even bigger mistake near the end of the piece. My hands were shaking so fast I stop playing for what it felt like one second, and then resumed from where I was.

It felt like heaven when I played the last notes of the piece. I stayed still to let the notes fade out and when it was over, I received a huge burst of applause(it was more than I expected). I smiled and bowed and then left thinking "wow, that was amazing!" hahahahaha.

I know it is a long post but I just wanted to be clear about what I went through and I hope it can help you in some way. I left with the feeling that I don't have to please or expect anything from anyone. I really just have to enjoy the moment and if there's good feedback, it's a great bonus.

I still deal with anxiety but I just can't wait to do it again.

Hope this helps

"If you do this little bit today, and tomorrow... you'll have this huge bit some time in the future" haha

It works

Dude, thanks a lot!