At 3/4/13 10:19 PM, dymck1 wrote:At 3/4/13 09:54 PM, silverspecks wrote: I tried to use the same excuse that I was 18 to sign myself out when I was legitimately sick. Shit didn't fly. No they required that I call my mother who was grieving over the loss of her friend's only son from a drunk driving accident.Holy shit that whole situation is mega depressing.
"
The whole situation ultimately brought my mother and I back together. We had stopped talking since she "caught me" in my room. I did end up calling her, and we started communicating again.
College is a time of self-exploration and self-discovery. I'm still in college. I originally wanted to become a bio-chemist. Now I want to be a fiction author. Ain't that a fuck'n switch.
I tried to use the same excuse that I was 18 to sign myself out when I was legitimately sick. Shit didn't fly. No they required that I call my mother who was grieving over the loss of her friend's only son from a drunk driving accident.
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Simple Man
10/10
Baroness - Stretchmarker
7/10
Next post needs to be a double feature for illicit and Viper50.
At 3/4/13 08:52 PM, Viper50 wrote:
Lord Foul - Moon Queen
I enjoyed something new 8/10
One more from me:
At 3/4/13 08:42 PM, Idiot-Finder wrote:
Have a tender moment.
8/10
So much junk makes it through because of the low bar. I'm just curious as to the type of reception I could expect if I were to start a thread where I provide the names and links to under judgement flashes that I personally do not feel are worthy of passing judgement, and legitimate reason why this is so. Would I be breaking any rules? I would just be posting personal opinion, not telling anyone to do anything. What do you guys think? If possible, I'd like to get a Mod's opinion as well.
THERE WAS A BLAM TODAY! I don't know what it was, but HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLELUJAH!
Alot of there's gonna be alot of flashes (that I've already voted on) still under judgement when 23:00 roles around. So I might just rejudge them all again. It'll help sway the points in my favor, anyone else ever do this or have a habit of doing this?
At 3/2/13 08:23 PM, FlyingColours wrote: I've reached my quota of four replies per topic, and I have to wait half an hour to post the last part of my story.
There are so many competitors in this one! My chances are slim at best...
This happend to me because I forgot to reformat my story's conclusion post. While I waited I was scared another would post and split up my story. Didn't happen tho. ^^
At 3/2/13 02:38 PM, Cyberdevil wrote: The problem is, most voters don't even visit the forums and would be completely oblivious to our efforts. :/
I've considered making an epic flash to further the cause, but I'm involved in another project right now.
If there is a large enough effort from many NG users, perhaps we could raise the bar.
Anyone else ever feel posessed to set up to an hour aside to judge everything in the Flash Portal. I do this when I have the occasional moments of motivation to raise my rank. At this moment I've judged all 45 "under judgement" flashes in the portal.
At 3/1/13 04:09 AM, FlyingColours wrote: Must finish story!
Then what the h e double hockeysticks are you doing here?! Get back to Word! lol
I'll support this petition for a writing portal. If it gets users to recreationally read more, I'll stand behind it.
Read chapter two, still doing good! I loved the way you describe the moment of darkness. I'd like to know what the "spanner" is/looks like.
I finished reading chapter 1 (my last attempt I was WAY too damn tired) and I pretty much stand by what I said last time. The only thing I'll add is: maybe use the word "whilst" a bit more sparingly. I'm moving on to chapter 2 now.
Sorry to say this but chemistry used to be my major. When I graduated high school I wanted to become a bio-chemist and advance genetic research so I could one day rid the world of my eye disorder. But the second chemistry course I took in college made me realize my comprehensive limits. Since then my aspiration has been to become a fiction author.
This is my first post on the Writing Forum Lounge. I'm an aspiring author just bursting at the seams with ideas to write about. I wish there was more time in the day. I returned to Newgrounds a few weeks ago and was inspired to write something as a tribute to the site. After doing some research, I developed the intoxicating idea of Newgrounds being a city in cyberspace, and thus Cybercity Newgrounds: A Cop's Tale was born. Developing this story has become a major focus of my life and I'm loving every second of it. Not an hour goes by that I don't think of ways to take this story. Well that's just a little bit about me as a writer. Is the Writing Forum Lounge basically a forum group exclusive to writers? I'm trying to find a place to fit in now that I've learned the Newgrounds Police Dept. is dead, and that I don't want to join The Elite Guard Barracks anymore.
. . .
Blurry. Everything looked blurry. He tried blinking it away. That usually worked in the mornings. It wasn't working now though. His head drooped. He had a headache. His butt was going numb. Did I sleep sitting up? No, I always sleep on my stomach. Why can't I move my hands? With his gradually clearing eyes Logan looked down. Both of his wrists were handcuffed to the arms of the chair hidden under the table before him. He also noticed the bandages almost completely covering each hand and forearm. He tried to clench them and was rewarded with a fiery pain that only made his headache worse. More than anything he wanted to lay in the fetal position and rub his temples right now.
As if on cue to Logan's sight completely clearing, the door on the other side of the room opened. In walked a man dressed in a much more esteemed uniform than the ones Logan usually saw the police wearing. He had orange skin and underneath his hat orange hair and weird ears could be seen. In one hand he carried a file folder, and in the other he carried Logan's bag. He put each on the table then sat in the chair across from Logan. He stared quizzically while Logan looked back with a drooping head and half-open eyes.
"Are you competent?" the man started. "Can you understand what I'm saying? I need to know if you've sustained any brain damage before I proceed. Am I making sense? You need to talk to me."
"Aspirin," Logan managed to get out through gritting teeth.
"Excuse me?"
"For God's sake I'll talk! Just get me some Aspirin first, please!"
"Good." The man nodded to the one-way mirror and began taking another look at the files. A minute later a large woman holding two pills and a small cup of water opened the door and walked to Logan's side. She put the pills on his tongue then poured the water into his mouth. He made a very audible gulp as he downed the drug.
"I feel better already." The woman walked out leaving them alone.
"Do you know where you are?" the man asked.
"I've never been here before," Logan started, "but I'm willing to guess this is an interrogation room of the west NGPD building."
"So you also know why you're here?"
Logan felt like being a smartass. "It's because I didn't get away."
"Quite right," responded the man without a shred of anger. "As you've probably gathered, I'm not your typical member of the NGPD. My name is T. Prower, the first name is unimportant. I am Director of Unit Ops. and in this entire organization I am second in command only to NGPD Commissioner Crawford. Perhaps you should be grateful to have my personal audience." Prower was deliberately trying to evoke a reaction to better study Logan in person.
"Oh it's an honor." Logan rolled his eyes.
"You know it's funny. Over the years I've worked with many of Newgrounds's most serious cases. Conspiracies, violent mobs, you name it. But the smalltime stunt you pulled last night, I'm finding this more interesting than any of that. You put on quite the show both on and off the screens"
"Maybe it's because you saw me in action that- 'last night?!'"
"It's 6am right now kid."
"Oh fuck! My parents are gonna kill me," Logan groaned.
"Son, you've got a hell of a lot bigger problems." Prower was speaking with authority. "Now if you are ready to be serious- adult serious- I'd like to sort out some confusions IâEUTMm having."
Logan nodded.
"Good." Prower looked at the files again. "Your profile reads pretty average for someone your age. Eldest of two children in a typical working class family of the West Residential District. Grandson of deceased Elite Guard member Jonathan Valor. No past criminal record. Ongoing high school education"- Logan cleared his throat. "Something you want to say about school?"
"I'm done with it."
"You didn't graduate yet, you have to finish the year."
"I don't have to do anything."
"Well, school aside, I'm not seeing anything spotty, and that makes me wonder why you have these." Prower emptied Logan's bag onto the table. Some of the contents clanked loudly on the hard surface while others scattered. "A crowbar and flashlight; basic tools for robbery. A nearly perfect overhead layout of the entire West Import Yard. Detailed notes on personnel activity over a lengthy amount of time. And ten illegal fake NGPD identification cards. I've gotta say, this is not looking good for you." Prower paused a moment. "Now I'm not paid to jump to conclusions, so I might just calmly ask: are you involved with any criminal organization? Are any friends or family in trouble? How could you have known the existence and location of these cards? What could have possessed you to risk the harsh penalties for breaking into the facility?"
For a moment Logan was silent. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"Try me."
Over the next twenty minutes Logan revealed everything to Prower as fully and truthfully as he could.
"Let me see if I got this straight. Not being in school anymore leaves you with all this free time and your hobby has become doing bad things. Lately you've grown tired of petty crime and besting the more relaxed security of other places so you challenged yourself against us and in a single day, you drew up this nearly flawless set of maps and plans to help you succeed. When looking for a 'trophy' to commemorate your planned success, you came across these IDs hidden under liquor bottles purely by chance and decided to take them because you figured they wouldn't be missed. And all this solely happened because you wanted a thrill?"
"It's all correct, sir."
Prower leaned back in his chair, adopting a very thoughtful look. He stayed silent for a full minute. But that minute passed agonizingly slow for Logan. "Alright," Prower finally broke the silence. "I've come to a decision. Being who I am I can pretty much single-handedly decide your fate. Trespassing on property of an organization like the NGPD usually results in jail time. But believe it or not, you've actually done the NGPD a service with your stunt. We now know precisely how we should increase our security. And these cards. Our current inspection process is not rigorous enough to have found these. Though the names are probably fake, you've basically provided us with the faces of ten unknown criminals. And let's not forget the skills you displayed in recon, stealth, physical ability, and situation assessment. All things considered, I've decided sending you to prison would be a waste. Instead I'm going to send you back to school."
"I'm ecstatic with your decision," Logan said glumly, "but I've missed way too much high school at this point to graduate."
"Oh no, I've got bigger plans for you." Prower grew a wicked grin. "You are hereby required to start attending the Newgrounds Police Academy. Congratulations, your sorry ass belongs to me!"
END CHAPTER 3
anyone who reads this, please comment!
*I was trying to work on the picture some more when I felt myself starting to lose my sight. So I decided to write the next chapter instead. I had so much fun with this one.*
*After reviewing the first chapter I realized I forgot to change "midnight" to 11pm in this sentence: "So he resolved to cut the fence, and when midnight rolled around, he did just that..."
Cybercity Newgrounds: A Cop's Tale
Brought In
While Logan was back hiding under row W, the personnel got into position with surprising swiftness. From where he was he couldn't see the droves of inspectors gather into the storage tanks of row Z through their north facing doors. Knowing that he was heading their way, they would be ready to pounce on him as soon as he broke his cover.
The only hint Logan saw that something was amiss was how the nearby inspectors quickly abandoned what they were doing and took off in the direction ahead of him. But it was all he needed to start questioning his situation. He considered the possibility that he'd been seen. If they knew he was there and were running in the direction ahead of him, then they had a general sense of where he intended to go and could thus be setting an ambush! Logan then pondered as to how he'd been seen. He was positive none of the personnel had spotted him. That only left the possibility that he'd been caught by at least one camera he didn't know about. So if he tried to remain stealthy and went back exactly the way he came, he would inevitably be caught again by that same camera and his position would be known.
He was in a no-win situation: get ambushed going forward or be exposed going back. He could try to escape over the fence bordering the yard's east side, but just the thought of that barbed wire top cutting him up was enough to make him wince.
. . .
Director Prower stood lost in thought as the two guards watched their screens like hawks. He broke from his trance when a possibility hit him. "Hand me the radio again."
"Sir?"
"If he's discovered we're setting up a sting, he's gonna go back the way he came to where he snuck in. Though we still don't know where that is, if every guard is in the north, who's gonna stop him." He held the radio to his mouth again. "This is Director Prower. Any personnel who aren't already settled for the ambush are to form an evenly spaced perimeter along the east fence and the eastern half of the southern fence. Also import shipping will temporarily be halted. Over. We don't want him escaping as a shipment stowaway now do we?"
Just as Prower finished talking, Logan appeared on a screen. He had broken from his cover and was now sprinting south.
"I see him on this- now this screen, sir."
"Bogie sighted running south at above average rate," Prower announced into the handheld. "He's moving along the shipping road. Available forces prepare to intercept. Over."
. . .
His adrenaline was through the roof. Logan hadn't seen anymore inspectors for a considerable amount of time so he figured almost all of them must be to the north. He'd abandoned his cover and started sprinting south to his hole thinking that the faster he went, the less prepared any stragglers would be to engage him. He held his crowbar at the ready, uncertain of when or how he'd use it.
He was truly running faster than he'd ever run before in his life, and he'd been a star athlete of the track team back in high school! Some officers who'd been running south were just getting the latest report when he went hauling ass past them not more than a few feet away. He heard them curse various things like his speed or how he'd gotten out of range of their stun guns. Three further down were more prepared. They'd seen him coming and had their stun clubs at the ready, crackling with energy.
Logan charged right at them never slowing down. As he neared the first he held the crowbar in an attack posture. The officer adopted a defensive stance not realizing that if the active stun club even touched the metal bar, Logan would be shocked. Logan was aware though, and swiftly juked to the guard's less prepared right side. The second officer, not far behind the first, was more aggressive and lunged at Logan with a backhand swing. Logan jumped and planted his right foot on the cop's left shoulder. Using the man as a platform, he leaped high into the air. With his legs tucked in and his arms spread like wings, Logan looked like something straight out of a martial arts flick. The third guard, close behind the second, was only just managing to look up by the time Logan was descending upon him. As he raised his club, Logan planted a foot on each of the poor man's shoulders. The sudden added weight caused the officer to tip over backwards, but he did slow Logan's fall.
His feet touched ground and he began sprinting again. His breathing was now heavy and beginning to turn frantic. The stunt he'd just pulled had started a fire in his lungs. Rounding the corner of row R (the last row before the fence) he was greeted by the sight of five officers obstructing his path to the apparently still undiscovered hole in the fence. Even if he somehow managed to outmaneuver all of them, he'd never be able to crawl through the hole fast enough to get away. Not stopping for an instant he turned to the shipping exit. It was now fenced off in response to the shipping halt. Damn! There was no other choice. This is gonna suck he thought to himself.
Logan raced straight at the fence. Some looked at him like he was crazy. Others gave chase. From a distance he threw the crowbar hard over the top. The impact of the metal against the concrete side of the building just beyond the fence was very loud. By the time the sound reached him, he was now close enough to the fence himself. From five feet away Logan made a mighty leap with arms outstretched and fingers resembling eagle talons. He hooked into the chain links only inches below the barbed wire. His legs also made contact and his feet scrambled for footholds in the holes too small for his shoes. Somehow he managed to pull himself up quickly, and he reached for the top of the fence. With all the adrenaline rocketing through him, he only felt a pressure instead of pain as he impaled his hands on the nasty little spikes.
The guards were closing in as Logan pulled his right leg up to the wire. A spine caught the fabric and tore his pant leg near the ankle. Unbeknownst to all, a sixth officer had been standing on top of the closest import tank in row R. He made his move as Logan was raising his leg. The cop seemed to glide as he double-gripped his stun club like a knife. Logan was about to fall to the relative freedom of the other side when he felt a sharp stabbing sensation just to the side of the base of his neck. He lost his breath and everything went black. His attacker hit the fence face first before falling on another officer. Logan fell backwards and was caught by two of the guards.
(continued)
For as far as I've gotten, I have enjoyed reading it. You do an excellent job of portraying scenes and it reads very well. My only suggestion is that you might consider using paragraph breaks when shifting between the dialoque of different characters. That's just usually how it's been done in most books I've read. Doing a great job.
Hey! "Lamp Lighters" can still make for a killer story. Don't get caught up on not being the first to think of this idea. I'm sure "The Girl Who Owned a City" wasn't the first/isn't the only one of its kind either. The Newgrounds writing board isn't really a place to get stories published. It's a place to showcase our practice and get feedback to become better. And besides, original ideas these days are a rarity anyhow. I still want to read this story ChiiFace. But classes are starting soon, so in a bit.
The blurb reminds me of a book my brother read for school YEARS ago called "The Girl Who Owned a City." The basic premise of that story is that a virus sweeps the globe killing anyone over the age of thriteen or fourteen, and the children are left to continue society. I never read it myself, but I do remember that they eventually formed armies
At 2/19/13 02:20 PM, Jolly wrote: Sorry, the NGPD is dead. Its been dead for about a year. Tails, the leader of the NGPD, hasn't added anybody to the NGPD in ages.
Speaking of Tails, he is joining the army and he's currently in basic training, he won't even be online for about two months. The EGB is still up and running if you want to join it, but it requires higher stats than the NGPD does.
I'm not demanding the ten day trial period or the regular recruitment process that everyone else got. Because I know the NGPD is abandoned, I'm really only looking for membership in name only. I would like to be recognized as such a member because I'd like to be recognized to some degree as part of the unified group of people that carries out the honorable task of looking after the Portal. I'd also like to not be so apprehensive about posting here. If I'm waisting my time with an impossible intitiative, I'd like to be told so, in which case I'll give up the pipe-dream and raise my rank to EGB status. Reguardless of what is decided, I'm going to continue honoring the Newgrounds Police Dept. with my story.
Now for my review... darn. Chiiface already said everything that I was gonna say... DITTO WHAT SHE SAID! lol
Sorry just a P.S :
To add to my earlier point, you mentioned you want to aid readers into picturing your world. As i fully back your idea of illustration, i think you need to be careful you don't become lazy with your words and skip description for illustration. Like i say, i want to read your work THEN agree with your illustrations. Not see your illustrations then understand your story concept. Hope this makes sense.
Oh it totally makes sense. I agree that illustration can never make up for a lazy effort when it comes to giving descriptions. Pictures should always be served as the supplementary side dish to the literary main course. I just figured that even the best writers can't explain scenes in such a perfect way that every reader will be left with no questions. The purpose of my illustrations will be to answer some of those remaining questions because lets face it, I'm not one of the best writers, and I will inevitably be leaving more uncertainty than professional authors (though it's something I will work on)
At 2/19/13 07:09 PM, ChiiFace wrote: Hey,
I'm loving your idea to base your world on Newgrounds. And from reading i can see so much potential and direction that you could take your story, so i definately look forward to reading more.
I think you have a great way of describing what is actually happening. I can paint that picture in my head. Though i think more description as to the enviroment etc would help bring it out even more.
It's cool how you're illustrating your storys also, i've found myself doing the same here and there. ^^ I only hope that what you draw becomes the same as how i imagined it when reading. THEN you know you are doing a great job of description.
Keep it up!
I really appreciate you giving positive feedback ChiiFace. It's really the knowledge that my stories are being read and my work is being followed that is the sole thing that motivates me to keep going. Cybercity Newgrounds seems to have fallen out of some people's interest, but I always try to remain hopeful that the story is being read. As for the illustations, before I get to showing any scenes in particular, I'd like to finish the lengthy process of at least showing this part of the city totally completed. Thank you again for the encouragement. You are so getting a friend request.
At 2/19/13 07:12 PM, ChiiFace wrote: Thanks! Would i just post it in forums? Or would i write it and link? I think a link would be preferable but would anyone click it? o_O decisions decisions.
Glad it is serious though, I'm pretty serious about writing it's nice to be around like-minded people. I guess i'll post when ready. :)
Now you are facing a dilema. On the one hand, if you post the story on Newgrounds (on a thread in this writing board), it is more likely to gain the attention it deserves (read and reviews). However transfering text to the Newgrounds forums from an outside source (like Microsoft Word) poses the problem of formatting issues. Before you submit, you'll have to go through the whole post and retype any 's or "s (or anything else I'm unaware of) or else you end up with errors in place of that punctuation. On the other hand you can avoid this step by providing a link to the story file kept elsewhere, but that probably won't be as popular. I also don't know if that violates any NG related to advertising other sites. I hope I've been helpful.
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