4 Forum Posts by "SamuelEarl666"
I posted the first version here ages ago and someone gave me some good ideas so i thought it was a good idea to post my rewritten version here as well. WARNING: Prepare for wall of text.
CreepyPasta - Jellied Babies (Rewrite) by Sam Earl
Over 2 Years ago, it happened. What was meant to be the happiest day of my life turned into a horrific day beyond anyone's imagination. I had just got back from a work trip and i was eager to see my wife and Newborn child in the hospital. My job was tiring and we never get the chance to get snacks so i also decided i treat myself with a bag of sweets. My wife was a caring person so i was sure she wouldn’t mind me taking a few more minutes to get there. The sweet i decided to get was a bag of Jelly Babies. I hate to admit it but i am rather childish at heart and just love to twist their heads off.
It took a long time to get to the Hospital but when i finally got there i stood there munching my Jelly babies while casually looked up at the windows imagining my wifes smiling face as she holds the baby in her arms. Screaming suddenly filled the air and snapped me out of the happy daydream i was in. I thought that the screaming was simply someone in labour so it didn’t faze me that much. As i started to walk towards the hospital though the screaming got louder, it was more than one person now. It might of just meant that the hospital was busy but didn’t like it.
I walked slightly faster into the hospital, the Ground floor seemed quite calm but even then i couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. When i went to the receptionist to ask which room my wife was in she noticed i had a bag of jelly babies and jokingly asked for one. I’m a nice guy so i thought it wouldn’t harm anyone just to let her have one. Me and her were just about to start a small conversation when the screaming hit an all time high. Everyone on the first floor instantly looked upwards in surprise, something definitely wasn’t right up there.
As soon as i opened the door i was immediately stopped by Police. I had no idea why they were here and why didn’t the receptionist tell me. But simply looking at the floor gave me most of the answers i needed. There was so much blood it was more like a lake than a puddle. I asked the Policemen what had happened, they instantly went pale and was of them was sick but the other managed to tell me what he ‘knew’. A blatantly psychotic murderer had broken into the Nursery with some kind of weapon, literally crushing the babies into mush before dousing them in acid while leaving them in their cots for their unsuspecting parents to find. I almost fell into despair until the sick cop managed to mutter under his breath that some of them were still alive. I just had to see if my child was ok and even if the worst had happened and my child had died i wanted to see my wife even more.
As i ran into the room there was a moment where i felt like i had accidentally walked through a portal into hell. The sound of people screaming was truly ear-piercing. What used to be cribs were now blood stained and filled with some sort of soup like mess of melted and misshapen bones and organs, something so bad you’d probably offer it to satan personally. Some of the Mothers, whose minds were evidently destroyed by what had happened, were trying to hold and cuddle the lumps of flesh that used to be their child. As i walked around the room trying to find my baby i could hear things being squished underneath my feet, the ‘Baby Soup’ was spilling out of the cribs creating a lake of body parts on the floor.
A sudden surge of happiness filled my body when i noticed that two of the babies were fine, and one of them was mine although they were both crying very loudly. When i got to the cot. It was a beautiful little girl who had the eyes of her mother. When i got there she smiled in a way that made me totally forget about my surroundings we were staring at eachother i decided to have another jelly baby. I had two left so i thought i might as well finish them but as soon as i ate one of them the crying baby suddenly fell silent. It was too sudden so i turned around instantly to see what had happened, the baby was now like the others although not so melted.
Either it was logic or insanity but that was when i finally realized the truth. The children were dying in eerily similar manner to the jelly babies. I held up last jelly baby towards my child and unwillingly scratched it slightly, in that moment my baby started crying and a cut appeared on her arm. The shock caused me to drop the jelly baby into the ‘lake’ surrounding the cribs. I knew i needed to find it but suddenly the doors swing wide open and my wife walks in with the two police officers behind her who immediately started trying to search the room. Any happiness i would of had i seeing my wife in that situation faded fast as i watched her skin go white and her eyes dull as if her soul was being taken away. In desperation, i forgot about the Jelly baby, picked up my baby and hurried to my wife. When she saw our baby a small smile crept up on her face. Finally, i felt like i could escape from the hell i was in. But i had just made the biggest mistake of my life. As my wife stretched out her arms to pick up her child, in full view of everyone, our baby exploded. I had not just lost my child but also my wife who had became like the rest of them, soullessly staring at the lump of flesh in their arms.
Everyone that was there that day died in some way or another, the ones that didn't commit suicide were simply too broken to do it, my wife included. Now and then i'll see a report on how the murderer hasn’t been found yet but i’ve told them it was me many times but they didn’t believe and now i’m seeing a psychiatrist every week but i’ll never forget and neither will my wife. I fear she’ll never be like she used to.
At 3/30/13 07:26 PM, Kofra wrote: As a CreepyPasta (in my opinion, of course) it was not good. In my conception, a CreepyPasta needs to be plausible. Buuuut, as a short story, it was really good. The only thing I don't like is how fast everything happens. It needs more suspense... (7/10)
I do agree with you that my story definitely needs more suspense and how it can seem a bit rushed. I will be rewriting it at some point though so i'll keep what you said in mind.
At 3/28/13 11:33 PM, TheInnerScience wrote: I have listened to some of creepypasta, and I think you did pretty good. You have such good idea for this story, but it seems either a little rushed or just not descriptive enough for me. I guess Im just a sadist, I like my horror stories with very vivid details lol. But a good story, good style. Creating more paragraphs can really help with the flow of reading. You should never go more than eight sentences, or however many you need to describe a point, etc. Good luck, and keep writing!
Thank you for the small review. Since this is my first creepypasta i will probably rework it at some point so i will keep what you said in mind.
So the other day i decided to write my first creepypasta and i thought the people at newgrounds might want to look at it so here it is:
Creepypasta
Jellied Babies by Sam Earl
Over 2 years ago, i was walking home from my my friends house after a fun day and decided that i would get myself a packet of sweets with the change i had in my pocket. Entering the store i browsed the Sweets section, i liked to buy something different whenever i went. I had decided i would buy a packet of jelly babies. Not only do they taste nice but its fun to twist their heads off. Anyway, that day was not like all the other days, while walking past the hospital i could hear loud screaming from inside from what sounded like a very distraught Women. I ignored it and carried on walking home, munching on my sweets, but then suddenly the screams and cries got louder. It was definitely more than one person now, i had to see what it was about, What could make people scream like that?
Entering the hospital it all looked normal on the ground floor. The person at the front desk called me over and asked me if i was there for a appointment. I simply told her that i was there to see what the screaming was about. She then asked if i could go and check since she could not leave the desk because of her work. Before i walked off the desk woman noticed my bag of sweets and asked if she could have one so ,since i was a nice person, i let her have one. I stood by the stairs so i could listen for the floor the screaming was coming from, it was coming from the floor with the nursery in it. I wish i had not went there.
Once i walked in the doors what i saw was horrifying. The Babies had been crushed and were almost unrecognizable as babies other than the fact they were still in the cribs. Women, probably the mothers, were holding the lumps of meat that were once their children. How could anyone even think of doing something like this, i thought to myself. Looking all around me it was the same in all directions except for one crib with a slightly older baby staring innocently towards the ceiling, it looked like it wanted to cry. I reached in my pocket and grab the packet of jelly babies, i still had one left, Are babies allowed sweets i thought as i gave it the sweet. It only held the Jelly baby in its hands for a few seconds before it threw to the ground and started crying. I had no idea why until to massive bruises appeared on both of its arms out of thin air, the kind only possible through serious abuse. I looked at the jelly baby and noticed something almost insane, the baby and the jelly baby had the same injuries. I just could not believe it, how could killing jelly babies actually KILL real babies. I did not have long to think and before long the Police Stormed the Hospital looking for the Child Killer. The unfortunate police that were sent to search the Nursery floor were just like the others, just with false courage plastered on their faces like bad makeup. Once they entered the Nursery their eyes searched erratically searching for some hope in the room. Noticing the one living baby an officer walked towards it to check if it was ok when i noticed he was slowly walking towards where the jelly baby was lying on the floor. I wanted to scream Stop but i was sure he would believe what i would say. I wish i did, the officer walked closer and closer and ultimately stood on the jelly baby crushing it under his foot. Suddenly, in front of everybody's eyes, the one living baby exploded spreading blood and guts all over the room. It was way too much for me to handle and i ran out of the hospital as fast as i could trying to forget what i had seen but unfortunately i couldnt.
A few days later i turned on the Tv to watch a program i like. Instead there was an Emergency News forecast, it was about The Mass Child Murder and the many suicides connected to the incident that took place afterwards. Only a few people other than me stayed sane enough not to kill themselves but that did not mean that i was fine. To this day i am still going to a psychiatrist because of it. I hope the nightmares will go away soon...
