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Please need reviews on my latest submission

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  Sanctum by Rotscreck

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  0.98 / 5.00

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  Heavy Metal

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Because what i thought was a good song turned out to be a huge crap. Need to understand why.

Thanks

Thou Farthest Snake

-Chapter 2: One Day Later

The magnificent mansion of Hordhover, with its blue walls shining by the sun, drowned in the valley of the south. The landscape was ruled by the ancient woods with its gigantic trees that covered the earth of shadow. Strange weeds spreading all around as soon as the light came down, beasts and creatures of every kind, crawling, lurking and howling in the wind: fear or joy those could give, depending on what encounter you made.
In the noble house, quiet in the dusk, were standing just out on the terrace, against the blood orange light of the sun, our three guys, resting and drinking beers with ice. They were alone: the mansion was the haunting station of Aion's kin, but they were away...on holyday.
Nerissa now takes the word, speaking first.
- Thou, dearest friend of mine, heard by chance, the latest rumours of this land? - Aion gazed at her, considering the vivid sparks of her eyes.
- We did not indeed but, as far as I can see, are we ready to go on a killing spree? - Glumo loudly coughed, hitting his chest to stop, then with tears in his eyes he hardly talked - You truly exaggerate the spirit of our lovely Nerissa, maybe she just heard of a new outlet there in a village- Nerissa glanced at him, and her intention was made clear to him, the he nodded with a sigh - To many dangers we are going to seek...- She went on, saying with words what from her eyes could already been caught - People around here, while I was buying some stuff, told me that a great occurrence will come to act: a truly noble knight from Makbar visiting the local king, to marry his daughter, his promised wife-. As the stars begun to break in with the dark, Aion asked, his voice like a bark - Planning to slaughter them both? The knight and the girl? Then Glumo, who was staring at the cold moon's face - Why that? - Nerissa lighted a candle and rolled out a paper - That's my research, that after I made, and clearly it speaks of money blood and hate: the noble knight is none else except the one who engaged me that time, through the desert land, and the daughter is she that tricked Glumo, causing by that the loss of his left arm!- Glumo roared for wrath, recalling back that day: his true arm was lost somewhere whilst the one he wore was torn from a drunk man, on the way back home, thanks to Aion's knowledge - That's enough to stab her a thousand I swear! When are we moving my hearts? - Nerissa grinned with pleasure, she waited for long to take her revenge, Aion was silent instead, reflecting about the killing execution - Shall we clear and prepare the daggers? Or do you like best a sniper Enfield to make them suffer? We also can put on some fancy clothes and act like friends till the murderous moment...- Glumo angrily jumped up, trembling from excitement and haste - From the front door, trust me, we have to charge, ark! Give me a chainsaw and my beloved Diana (which was an unknown kind of bazooka) and follow me when I paint the walls of their blood, choose your favourite kind of weapon, now! That's how we have to go forth!-
Nerissa patted gently on his leg, calling him back from his bloody plan - Cool down big boy and take a seat, for we have almost four days to prepare our new deed so let us now have a drink, we will soon feast in front of their fears! - The three lifted their beers and cheered to themselves, hailing to the event's bend that made their satisfaction so near to obtain.

Bothering the Bees

-Chapter 1

When those fellows, proud in their station and fools by the age, go for the hunt, only havoc can happen.
They began the hunt, with swords, spears and war-like wretches' gears, rumbling and lurking for the top of a hill.
Three were these, doth I know them:
Aion: the spear-minded man, fast in the struggle, instantaneous with thoughts, to fear was him even if he was with no weapon.
Nerissa, the fair one: the splendid sun over the salty sea couldn't beat her in beauty. Silent her footsteps, as silent was her dagger.
Glumo is the last: blessed by the god sea, cursed by he god wind (for an old occurrence in the time he was a kid), the most skilled living with every steel that man could create.
So they were, gazing at the dark gloomy sky, it was already deep night, the blades pointed into the ground, wounding the mother earth of soft wound.
Not too far, laid a honey pit, crowded by night bees: the bees of Dites. The three hunters, bored indeed, went on looking for the place whence the buzzing came: as they saw the golden sweet, they started blasting their weapons, forcing the furious crazy storm to bend back. They didn't knew however that the twisted-minded Nurg, the hedgehog-cat (ten feet tall, three feet wide, black eyes deep like Marian's pit) was right near them, ready to swine the soft skinned creatures. For the sake of the three Glumo was ready: as he heard the wild beast's growl, rapidly he moved, opposing the new enemy with fierce courage and a bulky devilish machine-gun, pulled out from whence, nobody could tell. Whilst the bullets reached the loathsome beast, Nerissa and Aion were fighting to get the honey prize: the first one shooting, the other one gathering with bottles and bowl-like things.
Doth they knew that the Nurg couldn't be held for long, either if by hammering fire was briefly blocked. Aion suddenly finished his job, exactly when a great moan rolled out of the creature's throat, born in its stomach: it was ready to charge. Not just fine for them. Quickly they ran through the woods, loudly their swearing crossed the sky, whilst they were stalked by the Nurg, furious with the guys. A deep fall they found, which ended in a clear mirror of cold water: the honey strict to their chest, the fancy band jumped down, hitting the water with a heavy sound. The icy water, sharp and evil enemy indeed, cut Nerissa's breath (she was not very used to the low temperatures in fact, she cometh from a very warm land) she sank down, few oxygen still in her lungs. Glumo and Aion were immediately set: first they threw the bottles on the sandy-coast ground, then Aion dashed down to grab Nerissa's belt with one hand, one leg safe in Glumo's strength. Once Glumo felt that Nerissa was taken, he pulled with all his nerve, his muscles stressed like a firing bow. He gained the coast, loudly breathing for the effort while the other two were coughing their entire water load, holding their throats.
The prize but great as much as the danger they escaped, the weapons all gone (the water corrupted them) but their reward was shining, safe in the morning lighted sand.

I Decide to post and collect here every new story i create related to my previous writing submission.
Feel free to give suggestion or post your comments.

That's all pals!

About the story: i think that, even if characters are not well defined, you were successfull in communicating what you wanted, i also digged the fact that you like to make act your "anti-heroes" like psychos.
Looks like the other side of twilight: true, sick, painful and humorous.
Nothing like that crap out of the Mayer.

Thanks man, i'm glad you liked it.
Why do you say it's a medieval kind of narration?

When those fellows, proud in their station and fools by the age, go for the hunt, only havoc can happen.
They began the hunt, with swords, spears and war-like wretches' gears, rumbling and lurking for the top of a hill.
Three were these, doth I know them:
Aion: the spear-minded man, fast in the struggle, instantaneous with thoughts, to fear was him even if he was with no weapon.
Nerissa, the fair one: the splendid sun over the salty sea couldn't beat her in beauty. Silent her footsteps, as silent was her dagger.
Glumo is the last: blessed by the god sea, cursed by he god wind (for an old occurrence in the time he was a kid), the most skilled living with every steel that man could create.
So they were, gazing at the dark gloomy sky, it was already deep night, the blades pointed into the ground, wounding the mother earth of soft wound.
Not too far, laid an honey pit, crowded by night bees: the bees of Dites. The three hunters, bored indeed, went on looking for the place whence the buzzing came: as they saw the golden sweet, they started blasting their weapons, forcing the furious crazy storm to bend back. They didn't knew however that the twisted-minded Nurg, the hedgehog-cat (ten feet tall, three feet wide, black eyes deep like Marian's pit) was right near them, ready to swine the soft skinned creatures. For the sake of the three Glumo was ready: as he heard the wild beast's growl, rapidly he moved, opposing the new enemy with fierce courage and a bulky devilish machine-gun, pulled out from whence, nobody could tell. Whilst the bullets reached the loathsome beast, Nerissa and Aion were fighting to get the honey prize: the first one shooting, the other one gathering with bottles and bowl-like things.
Doth they knew that the Nurg couldn't be held for long, either if by hammering fire was briefly blocked. Aion suddenly finished his job, exactly when a great moan rolled out of the creature's throat, born in its stomach: it was ready to charge. Not just fine for them. Quickly they ran through the woods, loudly their swearing crossed the sky, whilst they were stalked by the Nurg, furious with the guys. A deep fall they found, which ended in a clear mirror of cold water: the honey strict to their chest, the fancy band jumped down, hitting the water with a heavy sound. The icy water, sharp and evil enemy indeed, cut Nerissa's breath (she was not very used to the low temperatures in fact, she cometh from a very warm land) she sank down, few oxygen still in her lungs. Glumo and Aion were immediately set: first they threw the bottles on the sandy-coast ground, then Aion dashed down to grab Nerissa's belt with one hand, one leg safe in Glumo's strength. Once Glumo felt that Nerissa was taken, he pulled with all his nerve, his muscles stressed like a firing bow. He gained the coast, loudly breathing for the effort while the other two were coughing their entire water load, holding their throats.
The prize but great as much as the danger they escaped, the weapons all gone (the water corrupted them) but their reward was shining, safe in the morning lighted sand.

_________________________

I'd like to know what you think of it: it was written in a moment of boredom but i tried to re-create, as far as i could, the shakesperian way of making the prose. It's a brief story, maybe with a sequel coming.