Hello to all and sundry who may or may not remember me. I hope you are all well and happy. This is not a post to say 'I'm back' it's more a post to explain my absence and for what has been for the most recent posts my words and actions. I hope you understand and don't slate me for expressing myself.
I've been away for admittedly a long time, partly enforced and partly not. I've been trying to gain some focus, some direction in my life for what seems like an eternity now and for some reason or another i am as yet unable to achieve my goals. These may or may not come to light as this post develops. I've been for the last few months going through a phase of massive ups and downs. The downs are the part im trying to explain.
Over the last few months i've seen close family members pass away and even closer none family pass in the last week, my head is in pieces to say the least. Unable to really express my feelings to those nearest and dearest to me i have become somewhat withdrawn from many avenues that i normally express myself in, one being my music.
Any time i have come on here in the past months it's been to rant or come up with some wondrous idea that never comes to fruitition ie the newgrounds musical or alternatively the OMG i'm shit thread, so for that reason without having anything positive to contribute i have taken time away from this forum, an attempt to realign myself with the things that matter to me, it has generally been successful.
The thing that is fucking me up though is this death thing, it's incessant and I'm hurting with so much grief yet i can't find a way to express myself in any form that fulfills me. I can see this post meandering in many directions wandering aimlessly as I am myself and again I'm struggling to find the answers as to why. I'm usually such a strong person, people rely on me to give them strength when they need it most yet i am unable to ask for that to be reciprocated. I have hurt some of those nearest to me, physically and emotionally and no amout of papering over the cracks nullfies this feeling of downright emptiness that engulfs me.
I genuinely just want to fuck off to a place where noone has ever heard of me or seen me and start anew, begin afresh and leave all my worries and fears behind me. I have tried to put myself into psychiatric care twice in recent months as i feel i am ill equipped to deal with life and all it throws at me yet I am dismissed and laughed away s some sort of deviant or piss take when i genuinely am not and need help or an outlet for the things i think and feel.
You can hear this in my music, the bredth of emotions in a constantly evolving mindset, people take it as artistry where i mean it as a genuine outlet, yet noone cares or noone listens. Do you know when the last time someone asked me and genuinely meant it 'how are you?' with humility and compassion? I have forgot it was that long ago, or maybe i have just become cynical of the notion that anyone cares....i don't know.
I am still stuck in a shitty town, miles away from my friends and family, i am trying to resolve and the resolution is miles way its unbearably to think about. A single white male with no support, where a system fucks me over and im just supposed to roll over and accept it, fuck this fucking constitution, it has me by the balls and is now trying to rip my soul from me.
This is why i have been away for so long as my head is so firmly lodged up my arse that i can make light for dark. Anyways im gonna leave that as that as i'll just make matters worse for myself. I just hope you all understand why exactly i have been away and why for the mean while i probably will be for some time. I pray for you all you don't have to deal with the shit I have to at this moment in time.
Peace and Hugs
pitters