By PinkBeer and MickTheChampion.
A True Tale of Lies, Deceit and ultimately, Fate
Robbie put on his outfit for the show for the last time. No more of this. Depression, money-troubles, house threatened with repossession. And to top it off, his wife is having an affair with Barney. Fuck Barney, Fuck Noel. He securely fastened his handgun between his trouser-line and abdomen and ran on stage on cue, causing havoc with the props and pestering the guests. Anarchy was the plan. Anarchy? They will know anarchy. Mr Blobby grabbed the gun.
The lights hit his eyes as he fell out onto the stage, reeling back from the chorus of cheering morons. As per the usual act, Robbie stumbled towards Noel.
"Mr Blobby," he exclaimed, "I've got a special message for you today!"
"It can wait Noel. My message for you is more important." Mr Blobby calmly articulated
"Y-you speak English!?" Noel shrieked.
"You see, Noel" Robbie continued, "I am more than a spasticated pink blob whom causes random destruction to your set. I have a consciousness, I feel. I recognize the cruel, inhuman taunts you make at me, along with your fellow humans. It is time I put a stop to this. BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY!!!!!!"
With this, Mr Blobby produced a gun from inside of his belt area and aimed it at a camera man and shot him dead.
"No more, Noel!" howled the crazy pink spastic blob, "it ends here."
Mr Blobby sprayed a torrent of bullets into Noel Edmonds and the studio audience, and howled out in bitter, maniacal laughter. The bullets had the expected effect on their supple human bodies, and Robbie found his surroundings covered in blood. He turned to address a lone camera, which had inexplicably been left on.
"People of Great Britain," Mr Blobby announced, "Blobby blob blobby! I have taken control of Noel's House, and more importantly, Noel's House Party. All celebrity guests will now pay homage to myself, as Mr Edmonds has been unfortunately well...you know. No longer shall I be the bumbling nonsensical sidekick. No longer shall Saturday nights be about fun and laughter. I am now MASTER BLOBBY. And my House Party is a House Party which brings pain, and misery."
Robbie Blobby then realised that the show did not go out live, and proceeded to make a special disguise out of the skin of Noel Edmonds.
Robbie looked at the beautiful wreck he has made. The lifeless bodies of the general British public lay at his feet in a pool of dirty blood. His quest had begun, the pursuit of a greater light in the impenetrable Heart of Darkness that was humanity; humanity, the dark, dark fiasco of relentless cruelty towards man, beast, Earth. The rejection of the Creator and the idolization of middle-aged TV presenters and the public character-assassination and humiliation of disregarded, rejected creatures of today's society. No place for Master Blobby in this world. Not yet. He would create a new world.
He found a knife in the canteen of the London Studio and took Noel's body aside. He carved and crafted and cut, toiled and tested his own patience for hours; he carefully skinned Noel Edmonds and seletoped bits of flesh around his limbs and torso area. The skin kept falling away from the grip of the crude sticking tape, too heavy for its weak thresholds. The only way was to tear his own skin and sew Noels flesh to his own.
He became Noel Edmonds.
*
"Jen, would you grab me a coffee?"
"Okay, remember that you're on in 10 Mr Edmonds."
Robbie placed a bloody hand on the coffee mug and nodded at Jen, who was oblivious to the fact that a piece at the top of Noel Edmond's rotting flesh had flupped down from the top of Mr Blobby's head. As she left his dressing room, Robbie wondered why he hadn't taken action sooner. Humans were inferior to him, yet he allowed them to control them; as a prisoner to fear.
Robbie stared at what was left of Noel Edmonds, clumsily smeared onto his pink and yellow spots.
"DO YOU HEAR ME, FEAR?! I'VE CONQUERED YOU!" he screamed.
There was a knock at the door, and Mr Blobby was surprised to see Noel Edmonds' daughter Olivia.
"Everything alright, Dad?" she enquired.
"Err...fine," Robbie replied, "daughter?"
"I really thought you'd be spending less time with me and the girls..." she went on, "You know, since you hit a new peak of fame."
"Well, you know...sparkle kitten...that I always have time for you!"
"You're the best Dad in the who-"
"BLOB."
"What was that?"
"...nothing."
"Listen, Olivia. How about coming on my show tonight?"
"What, really?! That would be amazing! Oh my god!" She ran and wrapped her arms around her fathers inflated waistline and got some dried flesh under her fingernails. She had no idea.
*
"Welcome to Bl-.. Noel Edmonds House Party! Wahey! We have an action packed show for you today, and Mr Blobby has a surprise for us all, I'm sure!"
"Infact, I have a surprise of my own. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the stage Olivia, my very own daughter!"
The girl ran up enthusiastically to Robbie's side and waved stupidly at Camera #1.
"My daughter! What a beautiful little girl!" He gripped hold of her shoulders.
She whispered, "Dad, youre hurting me!"
"Shut the fuck up, you little whore" Robbie sharply whispered in to her ear. "This is the end for you"
Suddenly Robbie ripped Noels face off to reveal a pink spotty complexion.
"M-Mr Blobby?! What is the meaning of this?!" cried a producer of set.
"Yes, its me! Mr Blobby!"
With that he took a knife from his pocket and put it through Olivia's neck like knife through butter.
Uproar. The audience went beserk. The studio manager ran on stage towards Robbie.
Suddenly a calm, sensuous voice boomed out.
"Oh no you don't" and the producer stopped in his tracks.
Out from the shadows came David Bowie, Hyperlord of all Known-Space. Everyone around genuflected, as Mr Blobby stood in stunned silence.
"Robbie, take off the suit. You need help, son."
As the rich voice of Bowie enveloped Robbie Blobby's psyché, he realised that he was in fact human after all, as previously stated in paragraph one. As a way of coping with his diminished state in society, he had allowed the character of Mr Blobby to dominate his persona to the point of dangerous megalomania, which caused him to murder a studio audience and pretend to be Noel Edmonds for two weeks.
"You see Robbie" comforted David, "I've been watching you ever since you were a boy. I've studied your behaviours and traits, I knew you would do something like this. I laid in wait for this moment. Your feelings of depression had caused you to overload inside your Blobby persona, enough to make you feel like a completely different species altogether. Now, I've come to stop this before you get yourself killed. Your time has not come yet. You see, Robbie, you're needed elsewhere. Far, far away, an another planet, an evil overlord duo called Captain Kevin and Zaigor have overthrown my home planet. I could just click my fingers and watch their insides flow from their penises as liquid, but I want to give the chaps a fair fight. Join me, Robbie Blobby. Join me and conquer these space invaders and restore peace to my home planet."
"I accept, Your Highness." said Robbie, to the delight of the crowd, who were quick enough to ignore his brutal slaughtering of Noel Edmonds' daughter mere seconds earlier.
At that, Robbie Blobby and David Bowie embraced fondly, and David Bowie raised one hand in the air. He began singing "Starman" softly, as he and Robbie ascended into space to confront the further trials that await them.
The End...?
