Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

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it's a shame smorgishmorg didn't win

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hey sorry for that I* was supposed to be before 'watched' copy and pasted was being retarded.

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hey so it would be nice for some constructive criticism. F.Y.I I wrote this in about 20 minutes.

watched in pity as my brother swerved in and out of the white line on the side of the road. He made me walk with him to the package store again. It was our fourth straight day of rain and the clouds loomed over his unbalanced body. I took my eyes off him for awhile, and peered at the wet trees on the sides of the road. They were greener than usual. Not a bright green but a deeper one, like the leaves were full of water and the chlorophyll swelled in size because of it. Or maybe it was the sudden contrast between the forest floor and the leaves. "How, how long do ya think it'll take to get there?" my brother managed to multi-task. "Ten minutes." I replied sternly the same time a truck passed us.
"huh?"
"ten minutes!"
Some days, I didn't know what to do with myself. Days like today or the day I sat under an old bridge and howled tears at the moon. But most days I just hide from it. I pretend my discontent isn't there; I bury it with the dead leaves in the forest. It started to pour by the time we reached a connivance store. I sat under the over-hang and waited for him to come back with his beer; he said he would get me a 40 for coming with him. He stumbled back into the parking lot and as I approached him and he shooed me away. He told me to wait until his friend got here. I sat back down hood over my face. After awhile I got impatient.
"Hey give me my beer and I'll meet you back home."
"no dude, you gotta wait I don't want to get in trouble giving you this beer."
"Come on, I'll take the tracks home no one will see-"
"just wait now go sit down."
and like a good little boy I did. Finally his friend came. He leaned in the window for a few seconds and we left for back home. We were silent the whole way. I didn't want to talk to him I just wanted my beer and to be left alone. My shoes were wet. And that deep hue in the leaves didn't seem so deep on the way back. It irked me that more I tried to look for the hue less I could see it. He stumbled into the house shortly after me. I grabbed my 40 and made a dash to the basement. I wanted peace and quiet. Most days I just deal with it. But some days I drown it in ethanol.

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I will not feed the troll

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Your language is a little murky in some sentences. When I read a sentence it would run on to another and I would be completely lost and have to fill in the blanks. It doesn't seem to be a story either just kind of like a little paragraph someone writes in response to a writing prompt. Its not a terrible story but it kind of annoys me reading it.

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I'm not great at critiquing poems but I'll give it a shot
first off both poems are beautiful. the first one isn't too dark but isn't too dreamy and I like that. I like the second more, I'm partial to smaller, simpler poems. overall great imagery I like the metaphors you used for both poems. definitely shows instead of telling.

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There seems to be an awful lot of dialogue and not enough action. Let me explain, after a piece of dialogue you simply said "FIGHT SCENE" there were no details of what happened in the fight. There also needs to be more specificity in the script explaining the characters reactions, their emotions, what they are doing, foreshadowing, plot line, in sighting incident, back stories, etc. If you re-post again with a full script I will give you a better critique.

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I honestly write about my experiences as much as I can, I find being real makes a most interesting story. of course I throw in fiction like an obstacle, or a character who clearly can't be real, but for the most part writing real like experiences is the best way for me.

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At 5/11/11 06:21 PM, Animate wrote:

At 5/11/11 05:42 PM, Coop wrote: If you don't want to give a decent opinion and help constructively, leave. There is no grey area here.

Nothing about my opinion was indecent. It was a very honest, unpampered opinion. The fact is, there's nothing, in my opinion, that can be salvaged from what the OP posted, and so therefor nothing to give constructive criticism on. If I were to give any 'constructive criticism', it would be watch movies you've never heard of, would never normally watch and aren't of a action/romance/horror/thriller genre. Then try and write something that isn't Halloween 72 or Scream 34 and you might be getting somewhere.

You didn't give any opinion at all, so don't cry over mine when i give honest feedback.

I respect your opinion a lot and normally I probably would've tried to go out of my way to make a original horror script, but given the crunch time, the time frame of the movie, and what needed censoring, making something semi original wasn't something I could do. Besides, it's pretty hard to come up with something totally original nowadays.

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At 5/6/11 08:52 AM, doppler73 wrote:

At 3/31/11 04:55 PM, doppler73 wrote:

At 3/30/11 03:59 PM, doppler73 wrote:

At 3/29/11 07:35 PM, Stereocrisis wrote: The End... ?

The character moved to the next page, but he found nothing, but The End, and he started to cry.

But something happened...his hair was back, but so was Bill's robot:"Death 3000".

And he screamed.

He ran away from Death 3000 and into a paper cave. While he was there he sat, avoiding the colossal robot, trying to buy some time to think about how he can get out of all this mess.

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devil lights up a cigarette and takes a long drag. he walks up to joe and soul. "listen, i got a car lets the fuck outta here b'fore them hordes move in, i can them comin." he gestures towards his arm it was glowing

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Name: formally known as Bruce Shaffer alias: devil (based on the tarot card)
Age: 20
Race: Caucasian
Appearance: light green eyes, battle scars on hands, tall, bulky, wears a tattered white thermal with a leather vest over it, ripped and faded blue jeans and weathered work boots. short brown hair, Anglo Saxon bone structure, prominent jawline, muscular arms, toned and sleek chest and core, broad shoulders, sports a tattoo on his left forearm displaying the Greek symbol of protection: the staff of Hermes.
Power : the ability to activate massive amounts of strength.
Karmic balance: generally good (paladin)
Weapon : carries around a war hammer nicknamed Jonah Ark; ark for short. has a shot gun strapped around to his back and a leather belt holding shotgun shells.
(sorry but he is not a vampire, more like a human endowed with supernatural powers to take on the evil)

"i followed y'all here. perhaps i could help." devil held his hammer in his left hand. he appraoched soul. "the names devil, just here do do some killin."

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okay so i'm gonna jump back in here

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hey thanks! I guess I came off as a person who just wanted appraisal, its probably because i want to improve my work as a writer and the way that has worked for me in the past is by other people's thoughts. Also, you do make a lot of sense, I mean I don't want to be known as the greatest user here, just someone who if familiar with the other regulars. also thanks for the tips, It's refreshing to see people actually letting me know what they think instead of "good luck" or "cool story"

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i was grinnin at this point, not only did i run into some kid but one of them demons. i hold jonah tighter. "listen you no good piece o' shit demon, run on home 'fore i smash your goddamn chest in." i took a step closer, veins started poppin out of my arms, i was ready for anythin.

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the humming of my truck was the only thing i could hear. it became white noise. i pulled down a side street - suburbia - my arm was tinglin' them demons were near. under the streetlight i saw a boy, backpack and all walking, i slowed down to a stop got out and grabbed jonah i walked toward him, he looked freaked out. "what you doin out this late boy?"

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Name: formally known as Bruce Shaffer alias: devil (based on the tarot card)
Age: 20
Race: Caucasian
Appearance: light green eyes, battle scars on hands, tall, bulky, wears a tattered white thermal with a leather vest over it, ripped and faded blue jeans and weathered work boots. short brown hair, Anglo Saxon bone structure, prominent jawline, muscular arms, toned and sleek chest and core, broad shoulders, sports a tattoo on his left forearm displaying the Greek symbol of protection: the staff of Hermes.
Power : the ability to activate massive amounts of strength.
Karmic balance: generally good (paladin)
Weapon : carries around a war hammer nicknamed Jonah Ark; ark for short. has a shot gun strapped around to his back and a leather belt holding shotgun shells.
(sorry but he is not a vampire, more like a human endowed with supernatural powers to take on the evil)

Damn. All this killing does a number on your moral code. sometimes I can't sleep, thinkin' bout all them damn demons. I tried to quit smoking before the incident, before I woke up one morning with a tattoo on my forearm and one of them fuckers doin' the dead mans jig at the foot of my bed. But everyone has a vice right? it's what keeps us human. There was this one time back a year or so I was travelin' down I-95 toward Arizona, there was this man thumb stretched out standin on the side of the road in the pale moon light. i started to thinkin' why would a ragged man like that be waitn' for anybody to scoop em' up an' take em'? outta guilt i pulled my truck over to the side of the road. "where ya headed?" I was a little nervous. he wasted no time gettin in the truck. "cali, heard its a bum's paradise up there." i started drvin' back on the road. "why you say that?" he looked at me with hard eyes, the eyes of a man who don't give a hoot and hell bout no one else.

he let out a light chuckle "hell, cause there be food there my boy!" he smiled, his teeth were as white as the full moon, i swear i saw fangs. "oh yeah?" i kept my guard up wasn't gonna let no bum rob me of nothin'. "i'm headed up there myself, figure i'd just scoop you up and take you there." i was tryin' to be friendly. "well thanks a bunch pal, would be hell of a hike if ya didn't" after he said that a silence hung over us. i turned on the radio so it would be less awkward. i drove for awhile until i came into this small town, bout 5,000 people maybe 6. we stopped at one of them small town hotels only guys like me stay at. told the bum i wasn't gonna buy him a room, told him the ride was all he got. so i went ta bed, bout 3;30 i wake up and that damn bums in my room doin' that damn jig. he lunged at me so i threw him through the wall. he crawled back out and hissed like a damn cat and came back for another round. grabbed a desk lamp broke it in half and stabbed em in the heart; didn't see it comin'.
that's when i noticed the tattoo. i ain't never gotten a tattoo before so how the hell did that get there? bum turned to ash and i stumbled out of the hotel and left. stopped at a gas station filled my tank bought a pack of cigarettes and kept driven. been huntin' them demons ever since. i don't find them they find me.

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Have the opponent hook the character in the nostrils with his fingers, then pull character down to the ground. If his nose isn't ripped off have the opponent get on top of him and ram the bridge of the characters nose into the brain with his palm.

Is that too brutal?

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could you post a link to the podcast? that seems like something I would be very interested to listen to. also, maybe we could all put our heads together for new prompts? writers have to stick together, or you can google prompts and take the ones that are most interesting.

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it's nice to meet you as well, I look forward to you critiquing my work (I actually enjoy people caring enough to give me input negative or positive) and I really appreciate the tips I will definitely keep them in mind. If you have any work I would love to check it out give some feedback etc. If you are interested, I did recently write a script and I am interested in feedback.

thanks

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the lyrics were good i am really just not into the whole mushy love songs. i'm no expert on writing lyrics either so i couldn't give you a great opinion on them. what i would suggest you do is make up your own rhythm for it preferably on an acoustic guitar and play the song that way see how it feels. the reason why i suggested acoustic is because i feel it conveys emotions much better than electric. and if you decide to do so, put it up in the audio portal if you feel comfortable. the lyrics are there why not your own rhythm too?

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pretty interesting concept as far as the heroes go. as for this being a narrative...well you seem to be telling the reader whats going on instead of showing them, for example: instead of his head turns into a volcano you could say his head imploded as if a bomb went off inside his skull. see the difference? i mean its not great but it gives the reader an idea of what you want to convey. honestly, i would love to see this as a comic instead of just a story. it seems like it would be more interesting if you could see the story fold out in pictures.

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hi I'm not really new here per se but I'm new to the forums, and I'm looking to make my self known as a writer here. i guess i came to the right place. any suggestions on how to make myself known? should i put up works i have written?

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At 5/3/11 09:18 PM, MillsApparatus wrote: I dare anyone not to like this poem. This is the greatest peom written of this day. if you don't like don't try to spear my feelings, it's not like i actually care about what you people think. You don't know what true poetry is so stop pretending you do.

I close my eyes to see your face
Hint of perfume with a moving trace
My mind is lost in your migrating labyrinth
Nothing goes with your migrating labyrinth
We tend to talk, although far apart
Nothing could be, but I am not smart
I refuse it give up what a slim chance I have
If you will the way, the way I'll have
Life isn't life with out the risks we risk
Win to the loss as dog to the tick
Though wise words I have always spoke
I have not listened to the words I spoke

i whole poem feels forced. it's like you struggled to sound as artsy as possible. not to mention the redundancy you said migrating labyrinth twice and spoke twice. it just seems like you didn't even try.

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get guys i wrote a script recently for someone and i wanted to know what you thought. im pretty sure the grammar is terrible but at least you can read it right? i wanna know your input.

EXT. MAIN CHARACTER'S BEDROOM - DAY
video camera turns on character tapes the furniture in the bedroom to see if the camera works. he/she zooms in and out. then turns the camera towards the mirror waves to the reflection. turns his/her attention towards doug his/her friend who is helping on the documentary.

MAIN CHARACTER:
(cheerfully)
doug can you check to see if we have extra tapes for the camera?

DOUG:
(pauses to finish a text message)
yeah sure thing, they're in the car right?

MAIN CHARACTER:
yeah they are in the trunk.

DOUG
stands up and walks away and out of the room

CAMERA
zooms out and turns towards the closet. Then sweeps back over to the mirror a man is standing behind MAIN CHARACTER. Tall; wearing a suit with a red tie, no face. Camera turns around rapidly, there is nothing there. then shuts off.

EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY (AFTERNOON)
building is run down either condemned or in the process of being demolished. plants such as ivy and trees start to take over the once well groomed area. there is a chain linked fence surrounding the property.

CAMERA POV
character walks up to the fence and gets a shot of the sign that reads "condemned do not enter" you hear side conversation taking place farther away by other characters. Camera turns to window on top floor, there is a blurry face in the window, camera starts to tear a bit. Then camera tries to zoom in on window, camera cuts video feed but audio remains.

MAIN CHARACTER:
should we do a shot of the outside first?

CAMERA POV:
Video feed comes back facing JESSIE, DOUG, ALYSSA, and COURTNEY. They are all standing a ways away from the fence.

JESSIE:
(Assertive)
No, I think it would be better if we film the inside of the building then work our way out, it just makes more sense.

ALYSSA:
(Annoyed at Jessie)
But that doesn't make any sense, this isn't an art film it's a documentary

COURTNEY:
(Indifferent on both opinions and eager to do the shot)
can't we just film already? I'm tired of sitting around deciding on which part we film first. We can decide that when we edit.

CAMERA
Turns to Doug who is texting on his phone

MAIN CHARACTER:
(A little frustrated)
Dude can you not be texting right now? we are about to do the shoot.

DOUG
Looks up from his phone

DOUG:
(Sarcastically and puts his phone in his pocket)
Alright Jesus, if i knew everyone was going to get mad at me for trying to have a life i wouldn't have bought a phone.

JESSIE
Scoffs then motions for MAIN CHARACTER, ALYSSA, and DOUG to come with her behind the fence.

CAMERA
Turns to Doug then to Jessie. it zooms in on a broken window on the building then cuts out.

INT. INSIDE THE BUILDING - DAY (A FEW MINUTES LATER)
building is clearly run down. the dry wall inside the building has massive holes so you can see the room on the other side. the only light coming through is the sun light shining in from the broken windows. Audience see graffiti on the walls (mostly tags and swears)

CAMERA IS BEING HELD BY MAIN CHARACTER
main character is walking through the building the two friends close behind. they walk through a hall way. in one of the windows there is a face with no discernible features you see the upper half he is wearing a suit with a red tie. the characters don't notice.

DOUG:
(a little frightened)
i don't really like this place. can someone remind me why we are shooting it here?

JESSIE:
(pissed off)
for the last time doug, its for film class! and you were the one who suggested it!

ALYSSA:
(concerned)
You guys watch where you walk I wouldn't trust this floor too much.

CAMERA POV:
Heads up an old stair case to the second floor, COURTNEY is in front of MAIN CHARACTER, CAMERA turns to ALYSSA and DOUG who are following close behind. DOUG gives giant smile to the camera. CAMERA looks out towards the hallway or doorway where they came from, the tall man is standing in the door way, looking at the group. CAMERA fuzzes out a little

MAIN CHARACTER:
(very frightened)
What was that?! Look behind you!

ALYSSA and DOUG turn around quickly, the camera becomes fine again and nothing is there. ALYSSA and DOUG look puzzled

DOUG:
(Jokingly)
Stop trying to scare us man, I'm already nervous.

ALYSSA:
(shaking her head)
come one (main characters name) stop messing with us

CAMERA POV:
everyone reaches the top of the stairs. COURTNEY is still in front. They are walking through the hall way. Audience sees MAIN CHARACTER'S hand reach for doorknob, turns it and opens door.

CAMERA POV:
MAIN CHARACTER walks into an old bedroom the floor is charred and there is remnants of old furniture. MAIN CHARACTER walks in room slowly filming every inch of the room. There is a rocking horse in the corner, CAMERA zooms in on it.

MAIN CHARACTER:
(excited)
you guys get in here check this out!

MAIN CHARACTER starts walking out of the room, when he hears glass breaking and COURTNEY screaming, he/she starts running towards the door, door slams shut. He/she tries to pry it open, can't at first then gets it open. Runs into hall way. The group is standing still in front of MAIN CHARACTER slender man is facing everyone. The camera cuts out as you start running. It comes back on audience sees your shoes. Another scream this time ALYSSA. Camera cuts out again, comes back on the focus is blurry and the fuzz appears again, MAIN CHARACTER and DOUG are laying on the ground, stand over the two characters silent and still is slender man, camera cuts out end of movie.

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why did you post a poem if you don't want people to critique it? why did you go out of your way to shit on people's input when they could help your poetry be better? you can't just post something up then get offended because people didn't like it.

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yeah ill help you guys write a horror script. you want a slasher script, or a mind fuck one?

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sure im really good at animating let me join, im gonna do one about checkers if that's cool.

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I am looking for an animator who has an idea for a cartoon but doesn't have the time to or (doesn't feel like) writing a script. I have experience in writing poems, short stories, and scripts ranging from radio drama to animation. I'm pretty bored all the time so i need something to do any animator that PM's with

1: a solid plot
2: some kind of character backround
3: where you want the story to go and end up

p.s. the story doesn't have to be specific or the plot, you just have to point me in the direction in which you want the story to go.

PM me if interested

thanks,
pillgeneral

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thanks guys really appreciate it