So they got rid of the old Wally World here in town; the one I had grown to hate for the fact it was a shit hole, with horrible employees that made me want to rip the hair right out of my scalp. It is gone. No more driving around for two hours without finding a parking place. No more walking in through the doors and walking into greeters that make you want to kill them the moment they open their mouth. I was so glad they decided to shut that hellish place down. But I found out, sadly, it was going to replaced down the street by something even bigger and even more annoying. I just didn't know how bad it would be...
Now, just a little down the highway, they have built that bigger and more annoying new one. Trust me, I don't want to be driving down the highway to see it, my eyes quiver in pain. But, my mother was depressed, my stomach was full... so I decided to just let the two of us go to the eternally damned store of Satan's right testicular cancer. Oh my, did I regret it... Satan himself laughed at me as I stepped into the front doors, or maybe that was just Donald Rumsfeld saying the words "I QUIT" to Bush. Either way, it doesn't matter.
I noticed when I started to walk in, my stride is the equivalent of a drunk man on LSD and loritabs. I was shocked how badly I was waving back in forth. Suddenly, I found myself turning, accidently, to notice my mother was walking at the speed of a sloth. So, I follwed with this pace and putted along like nobody could possibly ever try to be walking through the store behind me. The greeter for this store is nothing like the ones from the old Wally World, that ran out of evil Satanic riverdances so they closed it, those were tough assholes. Their soul purpose in the store was to give an even better feeling of evil, as though you just looked at them and they held a sign saying, "You have just entered HELL." No, there was only one, and he didn't seem bright. He reminded me of a kid named Jimmy in the Special Ed group in High School. These words were muttered from the freakishly astounding weirdness of this persons mouth, "lo sir adam, ave uh wonderful ime n ur al-hart duperkenter. Tis iz r ham, member dat." I stood there staring in complete shock of this amazing finding in the human species. I had no clue that they had actually de-frosted cavemen recently. The fact he just stared blankly at the door, even when I waved my hand in front of his face, was a killer. His voice was not mentally impared in any normal manner, it was at a supreme level of freakishness, one that made me scared that I might have honestly passed through the gates of Hell.
While I had been eye-goggeling the Ice Age greeter, my mother had just kept walking. She was obviously in quite a haze and didn't care what I was doing. Regardless of the possibilities I could do in such a big store at 2 a.m., I decided to just follow her. One thing I most certainly am, is a family man, you know? If my family needs me, I'll be there for them, as long as it works for me. I play a game with them, it's called insincerity. But don't get me wrong, I love my mother and would take a bullit for her. But not anymore than that, who the fuck do you think I am? Jackie Chan?
I wouldn't take a single punch for my sister, though. She can go fuck herself.
Anyway, I swear that Wally World is building an army or something. They have the equivalent of a supermarket on one half of the store, while the other half of this football stadium sized building is the actual Wal-Mart, disregarding the athletics, fast food, and beauty shops that are attached as well. I did notice they had a nice selection of bra's and I decided to go up and try one on. You know, for my man boobs? Anyway, I find the push-ups to take the breath right out of me, but couldn't help but notice that I had grabbed the attention of Mr. Danny Jr. Not an actual person, but the little guy in his pants. I smiled, waved, took the bra off, and turned and walked away. I saw him many times throughout the store, what a creepy little, homosexual, middle aged Italian man he can be!
I noticed my mother was near the electronics, this is my part of the store. Other than the women's dressing room area, but I'd rather not talk about that for it could get me in legal trouble. I immediately went and looked at my former life, videogames. Looking through the games for all the consoles, I laughed. Complete crap everywhere, not a decent game in the lot. I decided that it is time to get to my current life, Vanessa and music. Everywhere I go anymore I think of whether or not Vanessa would like this or that, and debate on buying her things. Once again, they didn't have any decent albums. What a surprise. I walked out of there, while noticing that Danny and Danny Jr. were fixed upon me when I was bending over to look at the albums on the lower racks.
Finally, after Seth skipped a lot of boring talk about walking and walking and walking, we get to the corner of the store. This area is the pet section. Which, of course, we're here partly because Seth's little pussy is hungry, so we needed to get his sweet sweet pussy some cat food. (Oh good God, Vanessa has me calling Archie a pussy now. And now I'm capitalizing God, oh man...) Out of nowhere, some woman just yells, "TAWANA!!!" Using my cat like reflexes, I turn around and karate chop her in the face, only to realize I was over reacting and she's just someone she knows from work. I apologized and walked away and got the cat food. Once again in my life, I had a huge hole stared through me... I felt like looking at her and yelling, "I'm not staring at you, and you're a middle aged woman with no family!" But yet, I'm a gentleman, and just politely smile and say, "Hello." As I come back with the 9 Lives cat food, because that's what a real man buys his cats to eat, she walks away. I don't think anything of it and start following my mom, the human zombie.
It's too big for one post. But if someone actually wants to read the rest, tell me.
Note: This story makes references to a story that was funnier, but much shorter, about my very last trip to the old Wally World in my town.
