27 Forum Posts by "PARABLK"
Aria looks forward and saw Lilith standing in the distance. She made her way to Aria, who struggle to her feet before falling back down again.
"Is this answer so important that you would run away?' asked Lilith, who lifted Aria off the rock bed, "even risk your life?"
"Mom...ma..."
Aria's weak words moved Lilith as she carried her to the lake in the distance.
"A child should never think vengeance, Aria," whispered Lilith desolately, "to be motivated by anger, not love can lead one down an inescapable path that will corrupt you with age."
"Where am I? Lilith?!?"
Aria opens her eyes and saw Lilith standing over her. As she got up, she felt the fluid motion of water and soon realize that, they were standing atop the center of the lake. Aria started to panic and quickly ran into Lilith's arms.
"Do not be frighten, Aria," responded Lilith serenely, "you do not know what sin is, and that keeps you afloat."
Aria takes a deep breath as she looks down, seeing her reflection in the sparkling clear water.
"This lake has no name, you know," said Lilith as she kneel down, placing her hand atop the water, "I call it, Eden!"
"Eden?"
"This lake has never been tainted. In fact, you are the first, other than myself to be able to stand and walk upon it."
Aria gazes upon Lilith in awe. Thinking to herself, that everything has been as if it came from a dream, but flashes of her home burning to the ground quickly wash that thought away.
"Do you..."
"Know who kill your mother," replied Lilith, finishing Aria's sentence, "why do you wish to know? To avenge her? Do you know what that means, Aria?!?"
Aria lowered her head. Her hair covered her eyes as Lilith could see her tightening her hands, tears slowly falling from her eyes.
"Shall I tell you the legend of the seven beings?" asked Lilith, "and at the end of my tale, you shall give me you answer, ok?"
Aria reciprocated with a nod as Lilith smiled.
"We are all connected and influence by sin to some degree. The world itself was founded by it, but most are ignorant of this fact due to having sheltered lives. These seven beings represent our pride, our anger, our greed, our dejection, our envy, our gluttony, and lastly, our lust."
As Lilith continued talking, Aria stares at her in amazement by her knowledge of the world and yet, she still did not understand everything that was being said.
"When we name a sin found in ourselves, it is as though we are confronted in the depths of our souls by another persona who seek to prevent our union. The sudden self-revelation of a serious fault is one thing and the discovery of a deadly sin, which we know nothing of, is worse. It is as if finding out a lover is unfaithful or worse, that we have been blindly unfaithful to the lover of our soul."
"Then, there can be more then seven of them?"
"There is only the seven, but that does not mean they can not replicate. Our world is slowly dying because of them, not because of famine or death. When every living thing leaves this world, our souls will live on, not our bodies. Even so, the damage will have already been done by them."
"Are they monsters?"
"Monster can be used to describe them. They can even look like you or me, but it is when the name of the sin is announced that the real them is shown. That is the only time they can be sealed away."
"Sealed?"
"Can you kill an emotion? A thought? They have no physical form, but this does not mean they can not be made dormant."
Lilith point behinds Aria, who turns and sees a long sword with seven circular openings along the blade, arise from the water. Lilith walks pass Aria, grabbing the sword by the handle, which causes it to radiate a bright green.
"This sword represents our collective souls," exclaimed Lilith as she held the sword toward the clouds, "It radiates to that which only wishes to devour said souls. It can only be held by those not tainted by sin and yet, requires..."
Lilith lowers the sword without finishing her thought to Aria's shock. Lilith smiles at her while her eyes show a gaze of sorrow.
"Aria, I have finished my tale of the seven deadly sins," spoke Lilith seriously, "most, if not all my words were perhaps confusing to you, but..."
"I miss my mommy and all of people that would play with me from the village," replied Aria sadly, "I'm always told by my sister that I am too young and naïve to understand a lot of things. I was only able to understand bits and pieces of your story, but I don't wanna lose my big sister. I think no one should lose anyone and..."
"Such words coming from a child, whose outlook on life comes from those around her is very intriguing. So, is that your answer, Aria?"
Aria hesitates to answer before slowly nodding and awaiting Lilith's response.
"My appearance doesn't scare you, why?"
Aria is confused by Lilith's weird response as she stares at the black veins all over her face.
"You're nice," answered Aria with a grin.
Lilith is taken aback by what is said as her black eyes begin to water and her lips begin to quiver.
"This sword is meant to seal them away. The one who attack your home is known as the sin of Wrath. It only lives by hate. It is hate! Do not be fooled by the many forms it has for like all sins, there is only one!"
Lilith drops the sword and heads back to shore with Aria clueless to her intentions.
"If you are able to move that sword then I will help you achieve that goal, but I pray you are not able to for I do not wish this of you and regret telling you so."
Suddenly, Aria grabs the handle with both hands and with all her might, tries to move the sword from where it lays to Lilith's amazement. She ends up losing her grip and falls back. She attempts it again and only gets the same result.
'Even after my warning, she continues,' thought Lilith remarkably.
As Aria goes to grab the handle of the sword once more, flashes of her sister playing in the meadow appear in her head as well as her mother fixing the tear on the bottom of her dress. Tears begin to run down her determined face as the sword starts to pulse rapidly. With one final pull, the sword barely moves an inch before Aria collapses.
"It seems you use up all your strength," said Lilith sadly, "I am truly sorry for all of this!"
Lilith makes her way back to Aria as her eyes stay locked to the palms of Aria's hands, which suddenly show signs of paleness.
Nina continues running through the smoke, cutting away at it with her mere hands as she spots the gate to Havilah up ahead in ruins.
"Aria!" she cried heavily, "where are you?!?"
A footstep was heard and then another. Walking out the flaming village was Aria, which made Nina ran crazily to her til she notice her holding something. The bloody arm of their own mother.
"A...ria..."
Nina was speechless. The sight of her little sister, whom face show no emotion whatsoever and the sight of the bloody arm sent her to her knees, tears falling from each eye as she let out a loud terrifying scream.
* * *
"How is she?"
"She hasn't said a word since..."
In a tavern, located at the residential district of Cush, Nina talks to a healer about the condition of her sister, who lies sleeping in on the bed in front of them.
"What happened in Havilah?" asked the healer, "everyone says different things."
"What type of things?" responded Nina curiously, who glances at her sister before closing the door.
"They talk of a man who breathe fire," answered the healer, "a monster that never spoke a single word except..."
"Except what?"
"Nothing," said the healer, trying to change the subject, "your friend, Tikki should be awake now."
Nina questions why the healer wouldn't give her a answer as she walks down the hall with the healer close behind. The door cracks open as Aria peeks her head out. Having listened to the entire conversation all along, she leaves out the room quietly.
"M-mommy"
Aria eyes begun to water as she reaches the end of the hall, She look to her left and her commotion and decided to go right. She comes to the main entrance of the tavern, but doesn't see a person in sight. She thinks back to when she entered the blazing village and the sight of people running and screaming as the bodies of numerous people she knew and even play with lay on the ground dead.
She hears a voice echo throughout the tavern as her tears continue to run down her cheeks. The voice of a mother saying her last words of how much she loves her daughters, before dying under a pile of burnt rubble as Aria watches on in shock.
"The lost of a mother is something a child should never have to experience..."
Aria turns around, wiping away her tears as she sees the woman with druid attire, whom she met once before.
"Y-you're that lady who told us that story," she exclaimed.
"I'm glad you remember me, little one," said the woman with a smile, "yet it seems you are in a lot of pain."
The woman approaches her as Aria lowers her head, trying to keep from crying.
"You may not understand these words, child," responded the woman softly, "for you see, we as humans have the capacity for self-delusion of which that has no end. Sin creates to sin for it engenders vice by repetition of the same act."
"I don't understand."
The woman kneels down before her, placing her hands on Aria's shoulders gently.
"It's alright, little one," the woman said with a grin, "these words come from one who has seen and experience the world, unlike you."
"R-really!"
"What is your name?" inquired the woman, "I am known as Lilith."
"Aria."
"That is a beautiful name."
"So is yours, Lilith."
"Thank you, Aria"
Lilith stands back up as Aria raises her head high, wiping her eyes once more of her tears.
"Was your story really true, Lilith?"
"Every word was indeed true, Aria," replied Lilith calmly, "the foundation of our world is run unknowingly by the seven known as sin."
"But why has no one seen or hear of them?"
"People claim great spirituality but only do evil things and then ignore or rationalize them. It is the same for when people see or hear things foreign to them and because of this, ignore or rationalize it."
Aria is again puzzle by Lilith's words, who walks to a nearby window and points to the North.
"To the North of here is where I said holds an item that holds these beings, remember?"
Aria nods and approaches the window, standing next to Lilith.
"To better answer your question lies there," said Lilith in a sadden tone, "but I wonder, Aria..."
Lilith looks down at Aria as footsteps are heard coming from the hall.
"Is this out of curiosity or..."
Aria turns her head as she sees her sister, Nina staring at her worriedly.
"What are you doing here by yourself?" she asked.
"By myself?!?"
Aria turns towards where Lilith was at and to her surprise, found Lilith nowhere to be seen. Nina approaches her sister, who continues to look around for Lilith.
"What are you looking for?"
"Lilith," exclaimed the baffled Aria, "she was telling more about the seven beings."
"What?!? You were talking with that woman?!?"
Aria nodded, which made Nina get upset. She grabbed Aria's hand and storm back down the hallway as Aria wondered what she said wrong.
"You are never to speak with that woman ever again!" yelled Aria angrily, "you hear me!"
"B-but why?!?"
"I don't need her feeling your heads with lies," responded Nina, "especially if she might know something about what happened."
Aria breaks free from her sister's grasp, her eyes open wide to the fact that Lilith knew who attack their home and the one responsible for their mother's death. Aria turns and runs away, through the door behind her as Nina quickly follow after her.
"Wait! Aria!" shouted Nina, "I'm sorry for yelling."
Aria blocks out her sister's words, remembering Lilith pointing north, and realize that a lake is near that area. She continues running through the village, taking a left in-between two houses to hide as Nina runs pass her. She steps out, looking in every direction to see if Nina was anywhere to be seen before heading out the residential district towards the left gate of Cush.
"Aria! Aria!"
Nina finds herself in the market district with no clue to where her younger sibling to be at. She calls out once more, but still hears no answer.
"So we meet again it seems..."
Nina turns to see herself face to face with the farm boy that offer her and her sister food just for her company. The farm boy had just turn seventeen and like all males his age, is attracted to the opposite sex, namely Nina, who uses her beauty to get what she wants from men.
"Oh! Nicolas wasn't it?" responded Nina, whose eyes kept wandering for her sister.
"Y-yes!" exclaimed Nicolas happily, "What are you doing out here this late at night?"
"I'm looking for my little sister."
"She went missing or something?"
"Yeah," said Nina sadly, "will you help me find her?"
"Well, I was heading home and all."
"Please!" replied Nina softly, pressing her breast together with her arms, "I would be very thankful."
Nicolas' rugged face begun to blush, his eyes locked on to her chest, before nodding repeatedly in agreement.
"Then you head to the main district and I'll check with the guards to see if they've seen her."
"Gotcha!"
The two head in opposite directions, their goal, to find Aria who unknowingly to them has already made her way out the village of Cush.
"T-there it is!"
Two hours have passed, since Aria, left the village in search of Lilith, who she thought might be somewhere North, near a vast lake. The sun was slowly rising over the horizon as Aria collapse in exhaustion on a small rock bed.
"I was right to expect you to come, Aria."
Oath. 1
"Aria, wait for me!"
"This way, Nina! This way!"
Running across a wet and grassy meadow were two individuals. One, who had just come of age and the other, the age of six, they were both sisters with Nina being the oldest and Aria being the youngest.
"Why are we in such a hurry anyways?" asked Nina ever so inquiringly, "that farm boy from Cush was offering us free food just to talk with me."
"Because..." responded Aria with a joyful smile.
Aria jumps down a steep dirt hill, her raggedy dress soaring just above the knees as her brunette hair brushes against the wind as she landed hard upon the ground.
"Come on, sis!" shouted Aria gleefully, "it's fun!"
"Fun, huh?" replied Nina with slight hesitation.
Nina takes a deep breath, taking a few steps back to gain some momentum before her big jump. She looks down at her short green dress before adjusting her bosoms slightly. She takes off.
'I don't wanna fall! I don't wanna fall! I wanna fall!' echoed Nina's voice throughout her mind.
Aria look on in shock as Nina, who no longer was paying attention, tripped and fell down the hill, dirtying her dress as well as her long black hair on the way down. As she finally came to a stop, Aria gaze at her for only a brief moment, holding in her giggles before breaking into a loud laughter that only irritated her older sister.
"This isn't funny, Aria" murmured Nina in a bothered manner, "I could have been hurt, you know?"
"I'm sorry, big sister..."
Aria lowers her sadden head as Nina got up. Nina glances at her and smile before running passed her.
"Hurray up, slowpoke!" shouted Nina happily, "or I'll beat ya back home!"
Aria's sadness vanishes as a huge smile grew on her face and she gave chase.
"I'm no slowpoke!"
"Oh yeah! Prove it!"
The two sisters happily run throughout the vast meadow and into the quiet forest. Their laughter echoing out as they splash through small puddles and broken leaves and twigs. Nina looks back, extending out her hand to her younger sibling, who does so as well. She pulls Aria towards her, lifting her up high into the air. Aria extends her arms out, closing her eyes as she starts to grin.
"Will you tell me now?" asked Nina, who returns her sister's smile.
"It's mommy's birthday!" answered Aria, "I wanted to hurry home to show her my present."
"I see," responded Nina as she put her down, "I almost forgot about it."
Nina's eyes lower, as does her face, while Aria gazes upon her in confusion.
"What's wrong, big sister?"
"N-nothing!" responded Nina as she place her hand on her sister's head, "I just forgot to get a present is all."
Nina walks pass Aria, her head still lowered as she extends her hand to Aria.
"Let's get home or mom will scowl us, ok"
Nina forces a smile to show Aria that she is fine and it works, for Aria merrily runs to her, grabbing her hand as they continue through the forest. As they venture further into the forest, they look upward to see the glistening moon shine down upon them.
"Not much further now," said Nina sharply, "we should be out of this forest in a few minutes."
"Big sister, can I ask you something?"
"What?"
"Do you believe in that tale that lady told us in Cush?"
"You mean about the giants, dragons, and seven strangers?"
"Yeah"
"Of course not," exclaimed Nina softly, "It's just a fairy tale by a crazy women seeking attention."
"Oh"
"Don't tell me you bought her stories, Aria?"
Aria nods as Nina shakes her head in disbelief.
"Aria, you're too naïve and trusting of other's tall tales"
"But it could be true..."
"You're telling me that due to seven strangers," said Nina sarcastically, "our entire world is plunge into chaos."
Aria's eyes begin to water as Nina realizes that her little sister is too young to understand the difference between what is real and what is fantasy.
"I'm sorry for what I..."
Suddenly, a loud explosion is heard within the distance, coming from the direction of their home, Saigon. Birds are seen flapping their wings frantically as they fly pass them overhead as if they were running away from something.
"W-what was that, sis?!?" responded the frighten Aria.
"I don't know," answered the worried Nina, "I'll go check it out while you..."
Before she could finish her sentence, Aria had already begun running toward the direction of the explosion as Nina follow close behind.
"Aria! Wait!"
Nina frenetically runs after Aria, branches whipping into her face and hair as her calls go unheard. Aria is the first to exit the now, lively forest as Nina looks toward the sky and to her horror, saw only blackish smoke. She had reached the exit of the forest.
"Aria! Where are you?!?" coughed Nina hysterically within the mist of smoke, "yell, cry, something!"
Her replies again went unheard as she continued walking with the smoke, which seemingly got thicker the closer she got to her village of Havilah.
"Aria! Where..."
From within the fog of smoke, Nina's eyes grew as twenty or so people slowly appear to her. Some were holding small children, others carrying those who were injured while the rest tried to keep their selves from collapsing.
"Nina! Is that you?!?"
Nina turns to her left and saw a couple of boys and girls that were her friends rushing to her. A girl with blond hair approach her first before falling to her knees as Nina reaches to catch her before she falls. The girl passes out in her arms.
"T-tikki!" responded a boy with short blind hair.
"W-what happened here?!?" asked Nina as she gently place her friend to the ground.
"T-this giant, no monster..."
"Monster?!?"
A woman in what look like druid attire approached them as Nina squinted to get a good look at her. The woman look to be in her late twenties, yet her long hair was as gray as a woman was in her fifties. Her skin was as pale and white as snow for the exception of blackish veins throughout her face. The focus though was her black eyes that were like looking down an endless void.
"It seems my tale was no lie was it, child," said the woman apathetically, "a tale that you had said was merely for attention."
"You!" answered the surprised Nina, "how did you..."
"My heart had shown me the way of the ungodly..."
Nina and her friends are confused by her hollow words as the woman look around them, staring at all those who continued into the forest.
"This resulted in perverse inclinations, which clouds the conscience and corrupts the concrete judgment of good and evil."
"What are you saying?!?" responded Nina as her eyes pierced those of the woman, "Do you know who did this? Did you do this?!?"
The woman points towards the direction of Havilah with one hand and to the direction of the forest with the other.
"She is at the place of her birth," said the woman, "yet your friend must find air away from this smoky abyss."
Nina thought for a moment what the woman was saying and realized she must be talking about her little sister. She turns to her friends, who looked perplexed.
"Take Tikki and go to Cush," said Nina calmly, "I'll meet you there once I get my sister, ok"
Before her friends have a chance to speak, she runs toward the direction of the village. She locks eyes with the woman once again, who glares at her before looking away.
"Know thyself and thy enemy, little one," spoke the woman as she walks towards the forest, "sin tends to reproduce itself, reinforce itself, but it cannot destroy you as long as it remains nameless...faceless..."
Will all the different types be judged as a whole or separate categories? I ask this cuz based off the theme and vastly different ways to go about it, most will have an advantage doing one way than another.
Will the judges be able to rate a 3-line poem and a 7-line poem the same way, knowing both require different structure and word choices to get the point across?
It seems this is what the one poster is questioning and I believe was brought up in that previous thread before. Poetry contest are very hard to do, especially with so many choices to choose from. It requires the judges to have knowledge on the different mediums as well as what makes it good in the certain medium and than overall.
Haiku rough draft at the moment...
Tsukiko Amano
Free to call your name
Voice groping the moonlight sky
See how well she flies
Interesting contest indeed. Congrats to the winners and honorable mentions! They deserved to win and to be mentioned. Plus, they earned it.
Curiously to see how the critiques go this time around. Since it seem the May/June ones, people were claiming Judges weren't understanding the stories and/or dropping large amount of points for minor grammar problems.
Seeing how the core problem for this one for a lot of people was how to approach the song element, I suspect this will be the biggest issue mention in the critiques.
Either way, I know where I stand for most of the judges score-wise, so I really only care about the feedback on how to improve my style.
Tarboy
Saying anything else, just show you're a hater. Not only did it obviously take more skill to make, but the presentation is pretty much greater than most of the Top 200 with only 10-15 either rivaling or surpassing it.
Is it overrated? Yes, but it does deserve its spot.
Is the story cliche? Yes, but so is Castle and several of the Top 200. Plus, it takes a cliche element and at least attempts an interesting approach.
Are people hating on it because their favorite animator didn't make or it doesn't rely on cheap pops that is known in nearly all NG flashes to get 5s and 10s or people are just plain jealous of something they know they themselves can't make? ..... you be the judge!
Any word or speculation yet?
Like I said, I could careless about winning ( I knew you were joking anyway). I entered, like most to test myself and experiment with different themes that can help pull you out of your comfort zone. Winning or just placing is good, but means nothing if there is no reason to it.
This isn't one of those "STAND UP FOR YOUR WORK" moments. I'm more than confident with any and all my work, but at the same time, only a fool believes their work is perfect. It can be improved on like anything.
Sorry if my words earlier came out the wrong way. I apologize.
You won! Man... :( *In Capt. Kirk voice* I... must not... cry. I... must not... cry.
(Joking aside)
Nevertheless, I'm just looking for some critiques to improve my writing in general and also to make sure I don't make the same mistakes in the August one.
This is my first time entering one of these and though winning is desired, I look more forward to the critiques since as a writer, I'm always trying to improve and grow my style.
Good question. I like to know as well so I have some pointers to go off of when it comes to writing August contest.
Can one do Japanese culture or for this contest, the Chinese one comprises both?
I agree with boloneyman. Some kind of play/script style would be refreshing yet challenging since it put more focus on how the writer handles dialogue, but more importantly their characters. Add in the one word theme and you have to start of something.
While I'm cool with the poetry theme, but like Scarab said, the rules would be key to the success of it. However, I share the same concerns as Peaceblossom that there will be 2 types of entries, ones with meaning and ones that sound catchy, with the catchy ones getting win.
A poetry contest, while on paper always seems good. Requires a lot of work when it comes to the rules, but especially on the judges. Everyone would have to be on the same page and following the same guidelines more or less to prevent a entry getting high marks because it's catchy and sounds good on the ears, but i understand that one's opinion can be subjective though.
Also, when it comes to judging, has anyone thought about averaging the scores the judges give a given entry to prevent the bias that L-C so claims. I have noticed that some entries get a 0 or 1 from one judge and 6s, 7s, and even 9s from others. So it's pretty obvious that either someone is being too critical or not critical enough. This goes back to what I said about the judges having to be on the same page and not following their own guidelines since a 10 in their eyes is most likely a 7 in others.
Oh! I was also wondering about how a people's choice, where either the contestants or others get to vote on who they think is best.
Oh no! I was just throwing the idea of using newground characters as a accompanying theme. Anything really could work.
True. So then how about SPEC FORMAT? That format is pretty much just writing a story but with the dialogue portions formatted a certain way.
This way the flow is no different than writing a story.
Either way, I hope the theme for the next one isn't too limiting and is creative.
Oh and how about the idea for the next contest being coming up with a pilot script for one or all of the newground characters. The limit could be 5-22 minutes in length, equaling 5-22 pages per minute.
It would make using the voice actors as winning prizes fit better and the theme would probably be more open to allow for a wide majority of people to want to enter.
Yes, good luck to everyone. There are a lot of good ones among the bunch
What you say is very true... yet there's nothing saying they got too. Plus, it kinda guarantees someone will critique and posting it on the userpage will likely not get as many people critiquing unless the person is known.
What chooses to be alone? Concludes....
" Such lovely blood for me to drink," said the girl softly.
She place the Kunai near her mouth and started to lick it clean, as the bodies of the two men started to fade away. She closes her eyes to try and take in this new feeling, but unknown to her was that the female shadow was slowly making her way towards her at a speedy pace.
" Drip...drip...drip...drip...that's the sound that blood makes..."
The girl hum those words over and over again, while opening her eyes to see the woman of darkness standing across from her. The woman seem to like the tune that she was hearing and bend down before her feet. The girl stops humming, while lifting the Kunai above her head. The woman started to open her mouth slightly to say what seem to be her final words.
" Tell me what chooses to be alone?"
The girl smile at her as she struck the woman in her left eye, slowly cutting through it like a piece of white bread. The girl just stare at what she had just done and quickly pulled out the Kunai from the eye , only for it to spray out blood and a clear-like substance onto her amazed face. She dropped the Kunai and lifted her right hand towards her face and gently wiped all the blood off of it. Then she moved her hand away from her face to get a good look at all the blood that was dripping off it and without hesitation, started to lick the blood off her hand very slowly as everything around her started to phase.
THE END
What chooses to be alone? cont...
The feminine being floated closer to the girl as frightened tears ran down her pale face. The being's cold, slimy black hands started to make their way toward the girl's face and she could do nothing to stop it, from fear of what it might do to her. It gently placed its hand on her cheeks and used its thumbs to wipe away the tears on her face. The girl tremble in fear as the faces on the being's breasts began to vanish, but a little relieved. Until she started to see movement coming from the being's right eye socket. She was too afraid to see what horror would appear next and decided to close her eyes, only for the being to forcefully open them with her index fingers.
"You must pain...our daughter..."
"Such...indescribable desires..."
The girl slowly shook her head in terror as two familiar faces shared the empty socket. One had a beard that seemed to mix into the other one's more feminine face. The surroundings phase more and more back into the long corridor, but something was terribly wrong and disturbing about it. The being started to hold the girl's face more tightly and began to slide her moist thumbs closer to the girl's eyes. She tried to pull away, but it seems now that even her head was paralyzed in fright.
"Momma, Papa," cried the hysterical girl, "why?"
The two faces began to show what look like two evil smiles as the being removes her index fingers from the girl's eyelids to allow her to close them, but in a matter of seconds, started pressing down on her eyes. The girl screamed out in pain like a banshee in the moonlit skies, but there was nothing she could do.
"You like licking..."
"The blood..."
"From our..."
"Rotting meat!"
The girl's lower lip began to shiver at the thought and yet again, she screamed out, but the only thing that came from it was the mysterious being pressing in harder on her eyes.
"Stop it!" screamed the crazed girl, "stop it now!"
The being responded to her pleas by pressing even harder into her eye then ever before, digging her slimy nails into her very flesh, blood started to run down the girl's face as a sickening grin appears on those two, cold faces.
"Do not hide..."
"Your nature..."
"From us..."
"We understand..."
"Your retribution..."
"Your vengeance..."
"For it's understandable..."
"For what we've done..."
"To..."
"You..."
The phantom-like woman grew the most disturbing smile that anyone could ever imagine and began to stick out a slimy black tongue, oozing the same black substance as her body and seductively licking around her pure black lips.
"I...I don't understand," murmured the girl softly.
All became quiet as the feminine being moved her head close to the girl's and licked the blood running down her face all the way back to her left eye and then her right eye in a seductive manner. The darkness completely phases this time, taking the feminine shadow and the two faces with it, but before they vanished, the feminine shadow spoke for the first time with bone-chilling words.
"The love you seek is an excuse to satisfy your most erotic desire...the desire to...kill!"
The girl slowly opens her eyes to see herself back in the corridor with everything, as it should be. She quickly rubs her eyes to make sure the blood is gone, but she feels nothing in or around them. She looks puzzled and sees a mirror at the far end of the corridor. She begins taking baby steps then regular steps and finally into a mild jog to get there, while looking around the corner for the devilish shadow that sent her to her own personal hell. As she got closer to the mirror, she noticed how the floor, the walls, and the ceiling had mysterious red stains sprays all over them. She started to get nervous as she reached the mirror and looked down the left intersection and then the right and saw even more red stains throughout both of them.
"What is going on here?" thought the girl to herself.
The girl turned and looked into the mirror and suddenly became petrified with fear, for within the mirror was a reflection that showed her completely covered in blood from head to toe. The girl started backing up, when a drip of blood fell from her own nose.
"Blood?"
The girl lifts her right hand up and slides it down her face. To her horror, her entire hand was dripping blood. She lowered her head and saw that her white kimono was now soaked in blood. A part of her was freaking out about the situation, but a sudden excitement also started to emerge. She couldn't understand why she was feeling this way, when suddenly a loud scream echoed throughout the right intersection. She turned her head in that direction and started to realize that the scream sounded very familiar.
"Mother," said the girl softly.
The girl ran as fast as her legs could take her down the right intersection, but it seems like it went on forever. After running through it for two or three minutes, she saw a bright light at the end of the bloody hall, but before reaching it, she stops to see a small shiny object, about a foot away from her left foot.
"What is that thing?" questioned the girl.
She bends over to pick it up and then goes into a horrified state, for the shiny object was a bloody Kunai with tiny chunks of somebody's flesh, but instead of dropping it, a part of her starts to enjoy the sight of it as she stands back up and looks at it.
"This feeling," thought the girl, "why does it feel so...good?"
The girl keeps asking herself this question, as she approaches the door with a sudden curiosity, but as she walks through the door, her eyes widened to the point that they were going to pop out of her tiny head.
"My...my God" cried the girl sadly, "no!"
The entire room was splattered with the flesh and blood of her own mother and father. She fell to her knees at the sight of her mother, stabbed multiple times all over her body. Her black and pink kimono was ripped apart, exposing both of her full breasts with lacerations and dripping blood all over them. The girl shook her head in fright, when she saw her father's stomach slit wide open with his intestines dangling out.
"Who...who could have done this?" cried the girl angrily.
"You did..."
"And with such..."
"Delight..."
Suddenly, the girl's grip on the Kunai started to tighten as the entire room phase back into the nothingness that she had thought she had escaped. Her eyes that were once frightened show only an indescribable intensity and her mouth opened to show her licking her lips in bliss.
"You're getting hot?"
"Aren't you?"
"Your fear..."
"Is an excuse to hide..."
"Your erotic fantasies about..."
"Death," said the girl softly.
The two male beings appeared before her and their smiles grew even bigger than they ever had before. The girl began walking toward them, tightening her grip on the Kunai to the point that her veins were showing. She saw from the corner of her right eye, the feminine being in the distance, seemingly waiting for her.
"Showing me this," thought the girl, "brings such warmth..."
The two males started laughing at what she was thinking, when suddenly she started to run in a dead sprint toward them. She lifted the Kunai up toward her chest and the tip pointed toward them. She leaped forward and stabbed the male being on the right in the throat and then spun around and stabbed the other one, right in the forehead. She pulled the Kunai out to reveal it dripping fresh blood and dangling pieces of the left one's brain.
-
The Shadows of Loneliness by JabichoClick to listen.
- Score
- 3.98 / 5.00
- Type
- Song
- Genre
- Goth
- Popularity
- 1,223 Views
What chooses to be alone?
A girl stares down a long narrow corridor, her hair dirty, yet her white kimono seemingly in perfect condition. She started walking down the quiet hall, one step at a time. She had her right hand over her left hand and both were pressed against her chest, slightly shaking with fright, as was her entire body. Her quivering head would turn to the left and then to the right to show two frightened eyes staring suspiciously at the yellowish brown walls as she past by them.
"Dau...ghter...."
The girl stopped in mid-step as the eerie voice crept throughout the hallway, she started to take a step back, but the second she did, she felt something soft and squashy underneath her left foot. She quickly took a couple of steps forward and decided to take a look at the bottom of her left foot. Suddenly, her eyes began to widen and her closed mouth slowly began to open in fright as she lifted her hands to cover her speechless mouth, while shaking her head in disbelief. For the soft and squashy thing that was underneath her left foot was a bloody brown eye, oozing a clear-like substance. The girl panicked and violently tried to kick away the grotesque eye from the bottom of her left foot, but to no prevail. As she was doing this, an eerie shadow in the form of hundreds of bodies crawling, started to slowly make its way toward her. Finally the girl got fed up with the eyeball on her foot and lifted her left leg up a little bit and used her right hand that was once on her face and began to peel the bloody eye from her foot as if it was a piece of dead skin. She put her foot down and stared at the eye for a while until it started to shrivel up like a raisin. The crawling shadow grew even closer, eclipsing everything it came across. The girl became disgusted by the sight of the now shriveled up brown eye and quickly threw it to the ground. Only for it to vanish before it could reach it. The girl shook her head in disbelief again and started backing away, not realizing that with one more step, the mysterious shadow would be within arms reach of her legs.
"Such...lust...our daughter..."
Another eerie voice echoed throughout the hall as she took her final step back. From within the mysterious shadow surface hundreds of slimy, black hands without hesitation, reach out like a bunch of venomous snakes pouncing on their prey and grabbed her legs. The girl turns her head and becomes even more terrified as she sees hundreds of hands oozing a black substance tightly grabbing her long smooth legs. She tries to pull away from them, only for their grips on her legs to get even tighter.
"Let me go!" screamed the terrified girl sadly.
Her cries go unheard and the eerie hands start to pull her closer toward the eclipsing shadow. She tries to use all of her strength to stay where she is, but the hands overpower her and with one mighty tug, they get her off her feet and she comes crashing down to the floor, hitting the back of her head in the process. The hands use this as their opportunity and begin dragging her into the murky darkness of the shadow. The girl starts to come in and out of consciousness as her legs slowly become submerged under the mysterious shadow. She tries to lift her head up, only to feel a slight sting in the back of her head. She glances to the left and then to the right and realizes that she's moving, but before she can do anything, two slimy hands grabbed her by the right and then left arm and pulled her back up, only to submerge her completely into the shadow.
"Help!" cried the girl, "someone!"
The girl screamed even louder for help, but no one could hear her. She tried to escape from the liquid-like darkness, but it was too little too late and from within the darkness of the left wall leaped out a feminine being with one brown eye, dripping the same black substance all over her body as those eerie hands that consumed the girl into total darkness.
"Hellish...slut..."
"Unwelcome...little witch!"
"Yes, witch!"
"Ohhhhhhhhh...."
Everything was gone now, the long corridor, the strange voices hidden within the darkness, everything, except for the young girl, who laid in the empty space of nothingness, curled up in a ball, shivering with fear.
"You forced me to," said the girl softly, "all of you forced me to."
"Lies..."
"Yes, lies..."
"You enjoyed it..."
"Yes, every minute of it."
"No," responded the girl, "I had to...protect...myself."
"Protect yourself?"
"From what?"
"Tell us..."
"Yes, tell us..."
The girl slowly opened her eyes and saw three human-like creatures circling around her. Two out of the three seem to look like grown men and the one in the middle seem to be the same feminine being that sent her into this world of shadows. She tried to move her arms and legs, but it seems impossible, as if they no longer had any purpose in this realm of mystery.
"Answer us...demonic witch..."
"From what...do you seek..."
"Protection from..."
The girl started to think to herself about what, she sought protection from, when the feminine being, who had yet to say a single word, floated toward her and stopped a mere inch from her head. She stared into the girl's frightened brown eyes, seemingly looking right into her very soul. The girl did so as well, only staring into one eye and realizing that the grotesque eye that she stepped on was this mysterious being's, which really got to her.
'I...I just want to be loved,' thought the girl to herself, 'I don't want to be alone anymore.'
"Excuses!"
The girl was shocked that they could hear her thoughts. Yet she asked herself if what she said was really an excuse to hide what she was really going to say.
"Did it excite you?"
"Was their blood all that you desire?"
"Such a pure body..."
"Yet an impure mind..."
The girl started to become frightened by their words and tried to block out what she knew they were trying to say, while the feminine being's breasts started to ripple and change shape.
'I did nothing wrong,' thought the girl sadly, 'they understand that.'
"Understand...what?"
"That you gain pleasure from it..."
"That it was their blood that you loved..."
"And not them..."
"You're...you're wrong," answered the girl softly, "they were...they had..."
"What?"
"Warm blood..."
"Was it tasty?"
"Like your mother's...milk..."
"Shut up!" shouted the girl angrily, "just shut up!"
The two male beings only smiled at her words and seemed excited that she would show them the anger that lay deep within her. The female one started to smile as well as her left breast started to morph into what look like a male face and her right breast a female one. The girl saw this and became petrified by what the two faces were saying.
"Dau...ghter..."
"Forgive us...our sinful child."
The girl's eyes started to water as the darkness surrounding her started to change. The two men began to slowly float away with their demonic smiles still gloating over the fact that they finally got the answer to their question. In the distance, the dark void started to rapidly phase between this world of emptiness and the very corridor that the girl was walking through not so long ago.
"Mom...ma," murmured the girl sadly, "Pap...pa..."
Thanks for the advice. I'll definitely change that in the final draft
After going over the rules and comments here. I decided to start from scratch and got the rough draft you see now. Critiques on tone + flow are welcome
-
The Shadows of Loneliness by Jabicho
Click to listen.
- Score
- 3.98 / 5.00
- Type
- Song
- Genre
- Goth
- Popularity
- 1,208 Views
A girl stares down a long narrow corridor, her hair dirty, yet her white kimono seemingly in perfect condition. She started walking down the quiet hall, one step at a time. She had her right hand over her left hand and both were pressed against her chest, slightly shaking with fright, as was her entire body. Her quivering head would turn to the left and then to the right to show two frightened eyes staring suspiciously at the yellowish brown walls as she past by them.
"Dau...ghter...."
The girl stopped in mid-step as the eerie voice crept throughout the hallway, she started to take a step back, but the second she did, she felt something soft and squashy underneath her left foot. She quickly took a couple of steps forward and decided to take a look at the bottom of her left foot. Suddenly, her eyes began to widen and her closed mouth slowly began to open in fright as she lifted her hands to cover her speechless mouth, while shaking her head in disbelief. For the soft and squashy thing that was underneath her left foot was a bloody brown eye, oozing a clear-like substance. The girl panicked and violently tried to kick away the grotesque eye from the bottom of her left foot, but to no prevail. As she was doing this, an eerie shadow in the form of hundreds of bodies crawling, started to slowly make its way toward her. Finally the girl got fed up with the eyeball on her foot and lifted her left leg up a little bit and used her right hand that was once on her face and began to peel the bloody eye from her foot as if it was a piece of dead skin. She put her foot down and stared at the eye for a while until it started to shrivel up like a raisin. The crawling shadow grew even closer, eclipsing everything it came across. The girl became disgusted by the sight of the now shriveled up brown eye and quickly threw it to the ground. Only for it to vanish before it could reach it. The girl shook her head in disbelief again and started backing away, not realizing that with one more step, the mysterious shadow would be within arms reach of her legs.
"Such...lust...our daughter..."
Another eerie voice echoed throughout the hall as she took her final step back. From within the mysterious shadow surface hundreds of slimy, black hands without hesitation, reach out like a bunch of venomous snakes pouncing on their prey and grabbed her legs. The girl turns her head and becomes even more terrified as she sees hundreds of hands oozing a black substance tightly grabbing her long smooth legs. She tries to pull away from them, only for their grips on her legs to get even tighter.
"Let me go!" screamed the terrified girl sadly.
Her cries go unheard and the eerie hands start to pull her closer toward the eclipsing shadow. She tries to use all of her strength to stay where she is, but the hands overpower her and with one mighty tug, they get her off her feet and she comes crashing down to the floor, hitting the back of her head in the process. The hands use this as their opportunity and begin dragging her into the murky darkness of the shadow. The girl starts to come in and out of consciousness as her legs slowly become submerged under the mysterious shadow. She tries to lift her head up, only to feel a slight sting in the back of her head. She glances to the left and then to the right and realizes that she's moving, but before she can do anything, two slimy hands grabbed her by the right and then left arm and pulled her back up, only to submerge her completely into the shadow.
"Help!" cried the girl, "someone!"
The girl screamed even louder for help, but no one could hear her. She tried to escape from the liquid-like darkness, but it was too little too late and from within the darkness of the left wall leaped out a feminine being with one brown eye, dripping the same black substance all over her body as those eerie hands that consumed the girl into total darkness.
"Hellish...slut..."
"Unwelcome...little witch!"
"Yes, witch!"
"Ohhhhhhhhh...."
Everything was gone now, the long corridor, the strange voices hidden within the darkness, everything, except for the young girl, who laid in the empty space of nothingness, curled up in a ball, shivering with fear.
"You forced me to," said the girl softly, "all of you forced me to."
"Lies..."
"Yes, lies..."
"You enjoyed it..."
"Yes, every minute of it."
"No," responded the girl, "I had to...protect...myself."
"Protect yourself?"
"From what?"
"Tell us..."
"Yes, tell us..."
The girl slowly opened her eyes and saw three human-like creatures circling around her. Two out of the three seem to look like grown men and the one in the middle seem to be the same feminine being that sent her into this world of shadows. She tried to move her arms and legs, but it seems impossible, as if they no longer had any purpose in this realm of mystery.
"Answer us...demonic witch..."
"From what...do you seek..."
"Protection from..."
The girl started to think to herself about what, she sought protection from, when the feminine being, who had yet to say a single word, floated toward her and stopped a mere inch from her head. She stared into the girl's frightened brown eyes, seemingly looking right into her very soul. The girl did so as well, only staring into one eye and realizing that the grotesque eye that she stepped on was this mysterious being's, which really got to her.
'I...I just want to be loved,' thought the girl to herself, 'I don't want to be alone anymore.'
"Excuses!"
The girl was shocked that they could hear her thoughts. Yet she asked herself if what she said was really an excuse to hide what she was really going to say.
"Did it excite you?"
"Was their blood all that you desire?"
"Such a pure body..."
"Yet an impure mind..."
The girl started to become frightened by their words and tried to block out what she knew they were trying to say, while the feminine being's breasts started to ripple and change shape.
'I did nothing wrong,' thought the girl sadly, 'they understand that.'
"Understand...what?"
"That you gain pleasure from it..."
"That it was their blood that you loved..."
"And not them..."
"You're...you're wrong," answered the girl softly, "they were...they had..."
"What?"
"Warm blood..."
"Was it tasty?"
"Like your mother's...milk..."
"Shut up!" shouted the girl angrily, "just shut up!"
The two male beings only smiled at her words and seemed excited that she would show them the anger that lay deep within her. The female one started to smile as well as her left breast started to morph into what look like a male face and her right breast a female one. The girl saw this and became petrified by what the two faces were saying.
"Dau...ghter..."
"Forgive us...our sinful child."
The girl's eyes started to water as the darkness surrounding her started to change. The two men began to slowly float away with their demonic smiles still gloating over the fact that they finally got the answer to their question. In the distance, the dark void started to rapidly phase between this world of emptiness and the very corridor that the girl was walking through not so long ago.
Thanks blakedatch! The advice you gave the other dude and myself has really helped me a lot. Thanks
Since someone posted already for critiques. I guess I should give it a try.
I'm still messing around and testing the waters, but I guess I'm looking for critiques on how natural it sounds and if it compliments the music going along with it. Also, I decided to try the song writer approach to see how that works so advice with that would be welcome as well
This covers 0:32 - 1:00 of the song with 0:00 - 0:31 being more or less the build up. The story is gonna be about he tragic lengths one is willing to go for redemption.
-
Final Redemption by XenogenocideClick to listen.
- Score
- 4.25 / 5.00
- Type
- Song
- Genre
- Heavy Metal
- Popularity
- 19,424 Views
- FINAL REDEMPTION -
Come and watch, as this faithful puppet turns on its master
due to the wicked things she has me do and yet I know
that my deeds won't go unpunish
I knew that what I done meant I did not trust in you
I knew that what I done meant I did not ever love you
I knew that what I done meant I end up killing you
I knew that what I done could not be un-done
I have a question. So are we basically writing a story based on the beat of a song or are we to think of it like a song writer, telling a story through verses and such based off the tone of the song.
Congrats to all the Madness Day and MGS winners! Everyone is a winner in my book.
