Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

At 5/23/08 01:07 AM, Wesleyiam wrote: So, you have an ugly girlfriend? Congratz.

Nah, bro.

It really is bad in my case.

"Tha boyz" and I used to do some heavy dippin' on the first Saturday of every month. We used to call it "Skoalin' " 'cause that's the only brand we ever did. Apple flavored; that's some hot shit right there, let me tell you.

So we'd all be pretty buzzed and shit, right? Fucking around on my front porch, all seven or eight of us, gettin' in trouble, and harassing my neighbors with rude gestures.

And then the Nicotine Happytime would start to wear off, and we'd all look around. Only to see my fucking ugly girlfriend trying to be all badass by dippin' with us. She stuffed a full fuckin' 8mm long cut into her mouth, even though she has probably the tiniest, "least versatile" (catch my drift?) mouth ever seen on God's fucking Brown planet.

So she's just staring at us with her mascara-depraven eyes, a huge bubble of saliva forming at the corner of her mouth, and then like anal seepage, dripped down her pocked and cratered face and down her protruded chin.

Naturally, I was pissed at that fucking bitch for carrying out the following inexcusable crimes:

1. Wasting my Skoal, Bitch!
2. Looking like the fucking lameshit she is - in front of my badass friends!
3. Dripping saliva and tobacco all over my porch.
4. In front of the elderly neighbors, who now have ammunition to use against me when we get into the next inevitable verbal spat over their fucking lawn gnomes: "Your girlfriend's an ugly ass!"

This kind of shit is inexcusable. Not to mention she makes her ugly face even fucking uglier by Skoalin' with us. And we didn't even ask her to be there, or invite her to dip.

Don't ever pull this goddamn bullshit again, or you're gonna find your skanky, pimply, and diseased ass kicked to the concrete curb faster than you can say "Prostitution".

This is how you fucking dip, bitch!

My girlfriend, ever the knuckle-dragging bag of flesh, certainly claims to enjoy the taste of cock, as well.

When, just before I ask her just how in the fucking hell she could ever learn to savor the taste of rotting fish, I stop myself and peer straight into her eyes, I begin see expressionless incomprehension.

And that's when I realize. Oh yes, I know now. I know that being Slut-Tastic is not a learned trait. Oh, lord, no. It's a part of her deplorable, and criminally deficient gene pool. Unalienable from her worthless being.

I'd dump my current, Faggoty girlfriend and take my own identical female counterpart to town (if you catch my drift) in a local Budget Motel room.

I know I'd be better taking it up the ass than that skank ass whore ever could be if she were the reincarnation of the author of Kama Sutra, for Chrissakes.

She's an ugly bugger, ain't she?

Still hotter than my fucking girlfriend though. Christ, that's for sure.

That's sick. I'd bet you five dollars my girlfriend would abandon me if she were able to rise above the level of of a Cro-Magnon knuckle-dragger and realize that by simply becoming a zookeeper, she could shove a 3 foot long dolphin dick down her skanky ass.

Gawd.

I tried to tell my goddamn girlfriend that lingerie is a fucking turn-off for me.

Over and over and over. And over.

But she would always insist that I bear with her and let her wear that binding, uncomfortable, corset shit because she liked the sensation of relative immobility.

Despite the fact that it was gross and she never bothered to wash that underwear. Leading to fecal buildup. And pussy juices. And period blood. And dried sperm. All over her supposedly "sexy" lingerie.

So yeah, I blame the underwear for my current burning hatred of her. But mostly, I blame her, for wearing the shit in the first place.

Fuck her. Fuck my life.

Not terrible.

But I will say this: it's a better drawing than my girlfriend would be capable of. That bitch couldn't draw if she were the goddamn reincarnation of Alice Neel. Geez. :|

If anything, it should be raised by ten years.

My girlfriend drinks (illegally, as she's 20), and smells like alcohol and shit all day. Yet another reason to hate that bitch. She tries to drive drunk every other day or two, even when I explicitly tell her not to, and I end up hauling her sorry ass back home, and having to explain to her parents (yup, she still lives with ol' mom and pop) just why their daughter is drunk out of her fucking mind, and passed out in my arms.

God, I can't stand her.

Go for it.

I mean, you have the ability to have sex with a beautiful person of color. That's a better deal than I have with my ugly, skinny, white-ass girlfriend.

Seize the day, man.

You suddenly realise that they are your long lost relative. Invite them to a family reunion and don't take no for an answer. Cry, a lot and inform them how happy the family will be to know that he/she has been discovered after all this time.