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I became a Sun Worshiper. Several reasons, first of all I can see the Sun, OK? Uhhuhuhhuhuh. Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the Sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kinda helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the Sun as it gives me everything I need. Heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setin' people on fire simply because hey don't agree with us.
Sun worship is fairly simple, there's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing, the best thing about the Sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy, doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word, treats me fine.
So, I worship the Sun, but, I don't pray to the Sun, know why? I would presume on our friendship. It's not polite. I often thought people treat god rather rudely, don't you? Asking him trillions and trillions of prayers everyday. Asking and pleading and begging do this, gimmie that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.
But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things; your sister needs and operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall, but most of all you really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eye patch and the clubbed foot, huh? Can you pray for that? I'd think you'd have to.
And I say fine, pray for anything you want, pray for anything. But, what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago, god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years the divine plan has been doin' just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well what if the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan? What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't that seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan! What's the use of bein' god if every run-down schmuck with a $2 prayerbook can come along and fuck up your plan? And here's another thing, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered? What do you say? 'Well it's god's will, thy will be done.' Fine, but if it's god's will he's gonna do what he wants to anyway. Why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to 'his will?' It's all very confusing.
So to get around a lot of this I decided to worship the Sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the Sun. Know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. First of all, I think he's a good actor, OK? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy that who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. Doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple things god was having trouble with. For years I asked god to do something with my noisy neighbor with the barking dog. Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.
So I've been prayin' to Joe for about a year now, and I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to god and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as god, 50/50. Same as the four leaf cover, and the horseshoe, the wishing well, and the rabbit's foot. Same as the mojo man, same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same 50/50.
So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourselves."
--George Carlin
