Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

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lol! My jerk comment got out of hand... who is the jerk who carried that out?

No, no, for those who didnt realize... 'twus kidding.

Bonus <3
DAVE <3
Tom <3<3<3<3 ; )

OMG! Competition?!?!? Sweet. Too bad i have to read an entire book and make 8 pages of notes by Monday. : P Christ English sucks! Why am i going to major in it in University?

And oui, this club rocks to whom ever it was that said it was great (forget who said it now : P)...

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At 4/28/05 04:55 PM, odin12 wrote: ok i have portal buddies now how do u do it i still can't figer it out

You have to wait for them to accept your 'Portal Buddy' offer, then you can just read my last post which point out how to submit a co-athor piece appropriately.

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At 4/23/05 03:40 AM, Master_Inuyasha wrote: Heh, thanks. :D But at times it does. And yes, the LUL and the list threads do hold those kind of purposes, but we don't need to go too off topic though. But yeah, it would be nice if general was a bit better, but it'll never really change though. New people constantly signing up and posting there, it'll be about the same. I'm just glad it servers as a buffer to the rest of the forums. :)

True, it does have it positives to being around. And you are right, it will never change. It is funny how i said we needed a new thread to chat more freely in so we don't spam the LUL and then RC goes and creates a thread for thatvery reason just recently.

Yeah. Most of the people in the politics forum are eleventeens who hate Bush and the Republicans for all the wrong reasons, and for no reason IMO. Not to mention not knowing anything about half the stuff they are saying. Now I see why Maus, TheShrike, and Funk are on the green, it's a mad house in there. : X And yes, I do not really like to argue, but I will stick up for myself, or a friend, or some n00b in the C&C to keep them from being flamed to death. [ like earlier today -_- ]

It is true. The politics forum is pretty ill informed at most. And of course i will stick up for myself as most would. I have been in a few minor flame wars, but i'd rather steer clear if i could. They are an abundance of ignorance and immaturity at most.

Ah yes, I have seen your club, but not much interest is in me for writing. I keep most of my stuff to myself, and my friends off line. But yes, it is a good forum.

I had no idea that you wrote. One day you should post a little taste in the club, i am interested to see some of your work if you are willing.

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Once you have added buddies to your grounds gold account and they accept... then you go to submit your flash. When on the 'Submit Flash' Screen you will see something like the image below. Near the top it will give you a list of all your buddies like i pointed out. My buddie is FoXCatO as you can see where it says 'Here' in green. Then you check off the box to the left of the person name and fill out the other information. once you finally finish up and submit, it will go up in the portal as a co-author submission by both you and your buddy.

Hope that helped.

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At 4/27/05 04:57 PM, BonusStarClock wrote: OMG then why are you posting here, LOLZING

To post my thoughts on the thread - zing denied.

I can keep one, i just choose not to sometimes ;)

lol! I know. I am jus teasin man.

I honestly don't think re-changing the LUL is needed and the point of it is to congrats accomplishments and stats, so spamming i don't think it really is. This thread however may end up being totally spam, but you never know.

This discussion right now is good, because it is relevent, but with time I am sure the topics and intelligent conversations will die off. I like how we are somewhat debating Wi/Ht? issues (and NG as well) in here as of now though.

Maybe that could be one of the main purposes for the thread?

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At 4/27/05 04:54 PM, -Manic- wrote: If it hasn't bene done by tomorow I will. Ive just typed up three essays for school and I'm mentally exhausted. Incidentally if you don't see me aorund as much its cause I'm working my ass off for exams. So yeah I'll try and pop in when i can but I won't be aorund as often for a while :-)

Dido on the not being around as much as i'd like to. I am going to try and post here once a day, but that may be pushing it. The year is nearly done and i need to keep up my marks or i will lose my acceptance to university. I think after May is done, i will be back fully and with lots of new lit to post.

Also, i do not have time right now to review, but i have a day off Friday... so tomorrow night i should have ample time to review considering ican sleep in Friday and have not made any plans.

I got to jet for now... so as it stands... i will do lex and Manic will take the other... if you don't manic... i will, it is no problem. I can see you may be stressing a little and school is pretty important nowadays. No education = shitty job (unless you work for yoursefl, then who knows).

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I wasn't around here back then wondereyes, but it is cool to see you posting here. I am glad to have met you. You seem like a nice guy, and this club has been kind to me. Except Bonus, he is a jerk and Dave is a wise ass, but otherwise, good times. lol. : P

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At 4/27/05 11:54 AM, Tom_s00 wrote: It's not spammy in here !?!? what are you on about!

*looks around frantically* Spam?! Where?

*Spam Post*

No, well, i read through most of the posts that run through here, but some of it is off topic generally, and most of the time i really have little to say about the topics. So i don't think it is 'spammy' persay, but a little 'random'... i wish we could talk about something iwas interested in and spam away. : )

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This place seems like a good idea. I hope it works out and does not become loads and loads of pointless posts. Though, i feel that the frequents of this forum can generally (*cough* @ Bonus) keep an intelligent conversation going. It takes out all the pointless banter from the LUL which is nice.

Good idea. I am glad to see the thread being used.

Ahh, and nice thread name also.

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I am just here to congratulate everybody. I am about 3 or 4 pages behind and i have not the time to catch up. Sorry I havn't been posting a ahole lot lately. This week has been really busy with school. I am a little behind, but i got a three day weekend coming up, so hopefully then i can get back on track. : P

So congratulations to all and thanks to anyone who wished be a happy birthday over the past weekend. If i missed anything relevent to me, could someone please point me in the right direction. : )

ALK, have you ever read Coop's story? He has only two chapters fully complete as of now, but he is a remarkable writer. If you havn't read his work, you should ask hi mto email it to you.

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This is my cheap reply. Instead of commenting on everything, I commented on what seemed more important or what intrigued my interest.

At 4/26/05 05:55 AM, Coop83 wrote:

At 4/25/05 05:29 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

I was looking for something totally crazy and off the wall. I'd spent time and a lot of money in the oub with some mates discussing 'stupidly pointless' this was the best one we'd come up with.

Well, off the wall it was, but not crazy – more… too sane

Thanks to Terry Pratchett (Discworld) for the inspiration.

Aha, fair enough.

I'm trying to develop them as I write the story. I'd like the reader to try and have the characters in their mind as a close friend, so they can anticipate what's going to happen. That way, I can do something unexpected later on, mwahahahaha!

Lol! Well it is working, I must say.

No, the author is me. You're thinking too hard on this one. I'm trying to get a Shakespeare-esque narrative going, where there is one narrative for everyone and then a second narrative, for anyone who's bothered really. (He did the second for the poor, who had to stand up in the front.)

Well, in the first part I remember this odd narrative and it worked well (around the part of the roof jumping), but this time it just caught me for a loop and the narrator spoke of himself in third person – an almost reluctant voice to the reader. It threw me for a loop.

I liked the use of the ‘/ ’ here. It was refreshing. Although I did feel you do not use enough punctuation to create more complex sentences like: ‘;’, ‘-‘, ‘—‘, ‘- -‘, etc. You can really define your writing style with more complexity mixing it up a bit. This can really make your writing more interesting to read at a somewhat slow part of a chapter.

I'll change it, but I'm not quite sure how.

Well, I would not go back and change every living thing, but it is a good habit to create more complex sentences whenever you can because eventually it becomes habit and conforms to your normal way of writing.

The whole scene revolving around that line was great. I had a pretty good image of the scene in my mind. It was very good writing.

Sometimes, it's better to spell the plot out. Placing a suitably dumb character is easy enough.

I couldn’t agree more. : )

I wanted to note that I loved the guy named Billingsworth. I laughed when I saw the name.

Just another name, but if it gets a laugh, I'll take the credit.

Well, it seemed to me that it was not only a play-on-words, but also an ironic twist, seeing as he was the butler.

I loved this line, because you wrote exactly what I was thinking before I read it. You really got into my mind (as the reader) with this scene.

I'm trying to psycho-analyse the reader without knowing anything about them at all.

Lol! You know what I meant though. : )

Thanks for the review, Myst. This really helps me out and I'll get the second draft to you when I'm done. You can give that a going over if you like then, how does that sound?

Sounds great! It was another great read! I loved it.

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At 4/25/05 05:48 PM, da_pope wrote: Wow. I r teh retarted blind fuck.

I agree! You picked a team that will choke if they even make it to the finals anyway. : P Heh.

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MANIC, can you get the darkguardians story reviewed - the o nthat BigLundi is speaking of and i will take lex's either later tongith or tomorrow afternoon. It is just they hav e been waiting so long, and my head is pounding too hard to do it right now. Both have been waiting patiently for some time. I would appreciate it if you could.

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At 4/25/05 05:42 PM, BigLundi wrote: sorry if i sound impatient, but are you done with his yet?

lol, i like how you said a writer must learn patience and then your quoting above. : )

And if you are referring to COOP's piece, then yesi am done with his, but i am laso done for the day. That took a lot of time to type up etc., and i have a splitting headache (havn't been feeling well all day). If some one doesn't get to yours by tomorrow evening, i will take a look.

I am out for the night though. Sorry.

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Part 2 of my review COOP:

Great imagery! I loved this line also.

“I mean for you to kill him and save me my two
thousand Kronep. Do you understand?”

The whole scene revolving around that line was great. I had a pretty good image of the scene in my mind. It was very good writing.

I wanted to note that I loved the guy named Billingsworth. I laughed when I saw the name.

There, you will find a merchant, who goes by the name of Vlart Langstrom.

I loved this. Finally! some significant plot development that I can see being achieved. All these questions arrive to me now (don’t actually answer them)… what is going on? Who is he working for? Why is h working for him? Is it like an insurance type thing? A scandal to screw whom? OMG! Excited to find out.

I also wanted to note that I had to look up about 2 or 3 words since the first page, which is a pain in the ass for a reader. And I read quite frequently, so this is odd for me; maybe an overuse of the thesaurus? Or maybe you should lower your diction n your writing for a more general public?

It was he who spoke.

This line is placed oddly making me think one person is about to speak when another in fact does. It should be revised and moved or cut.

looked up at his student quizzically

You forgot a period at the end here is all, but it was hard not to miss and point out.

… but it thinly disguised a deep pit of disgust underneath it.

I loved this line, because you wrote exactly what I was thinking before I read it. You really got into my mind (as the reader) with this scene.

With a tear in her eye…

This was actually quite moving. It made me feel as if they had a connection that Corasset did not actually see or feel emotionally attached to. Although, the next paragraph may have went a bit too extreme and ruined the mood for me.

“I thought that Falco columbarius looks much more fetching than Corvus corvax.”

Huh? Another confusing part.

The ending was sick. Corasset is gon’na be in on the fighting? Partners? Attack? Intrigue! OMG! (Don’t actually answer these questions… I want to be surprised.)

You tend to use your brackets oddly, starting anew sentence, which I am nearly certain is grammatically incorrect. It is very confusing at times and leaves me a little dumbfounded and even insulted at times (as if you are talking down to the reader – like that one part I mentioned).

Overall, it is amazing, like OMG! Amazing. lol. There are many great written parts and the bulk of it is written well, but nothing outstandingly shocking yet as for writing. As for plot, I am not even a fan of LOTR or anything so much, but I love this tale and am so intrigued to read on. In end, it is a great piece that I love, but has its little problems that are kind of an annoyance.

I hope this review does help some and if you have any specific question it would be made easier for me to point out flaws that you may have been unsure of. Great job as always!

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At 4/25/05 04:51 PM, Coop83 wrote: The ammount of pain I'm in after playing cricket YESTERDAY would indicate that I need the medicinal effects of alcohol, to sooth my aches and pains.

lol! Cricket isn't contact is it?

(We lost by the way)

Then it really was not worth it was it?

Here is your review (may be in installements so give me a minute here):

Alright, OMG!, I finished COOP! Yuppers, I finally finished writing all my comments for Chapter II – I sure as hell hope I can fit it all in one post. It looks big on the [paper, but I write big so it probably is no all that bad.

I am not going to do all the negatives first and then the positives like a normally would. I am going to work chronologically for you, because it easier for both of most likely.

Relan sat up on her makeshift bed…

I just had to note that I loved that line. It created a nice image of a shotty straw bed and was almost comedic in a way. It is just amazing wording that gave me a vivid image.

(This is common throughout the universe, as whatever state
someone’s hair is when they go to bed, it will always end up
in an intricate system of knots, resembling Spaghetti Junction
during a rather nasty rush hour accident.)

Wow, with this one, I think it is a little excessive. I think you could have approached this differently. It is almost as if you are demeaning the reader, and the metaphor is somewhat poor to me.

… posthumously and vociferously.

I happen to think I have a large vocabulary, but I had to grab a dictionary for these ones.

… looked about as out of place as a Humming bird studying Particle physics.

Omg! Huh? Sometimes I think you are saying things just to sound smart. I have no idea what you are talking about. I understand that a hummingbird would not be studying particle physics, but I think your imagery here is a little outrageous. I don’t find it humorous and I really thin kyou could have come with something more entertaining and relevant that would look out of place.

When they entered, Aldrea jumped up, excitedly, while
Perit stood, leant on his staff and walked slowly over to the desk.

This is a very good comical image. I loved this line.

(Usually one of those family based wars, when it’s all to do with:
‘What Darren said to our Shirley at Jo’s wedding.’ These are
more contained and are more devastating on a local scale.)

This is another too specific and unneeded reference. It seems that the first page has a lot of these odd and obscure (non-entertaining) references. The other pages steer away from that, but these few are really out’a whack in my opinion.

Also I found some small typos (nothing huge) so you may want to read it over once to try and catch them.

Long quote ahead:

Her senses exploded into an array of tastes and smells. Her mind
raced to the far away settlement, known as Norn’s Pass, where the
air was crisp and clear. There was a fresh coating of snow on
the ground and she was standing in the middle of a group of yurts.
A wolf howled in the distance and she could hear someone
chopping down a tree. She opened her eyes and swallowed the liquid.

I had to quote this because I loved it! This was amazing imagery and very beautiful writing.

She sat down, so she could get her senses back.

This line though (shortly after the last) should be taken right out. It kind of killed the mood and it just does not fit in my mind. It really killed the last quote for me and I read the same few paragraphs without that line and I felt it was twice as good without. I would just cut it, though it is up to you.

“Drink up, cos the next few rounds are cheap…

The word ‘cos should be like this: ’cos.

The policing of the anti-explosives laws had become a sticking
point for the city guard some years ago, when it came to
searching Dwarves for any offending articles. It was made a
by-law, three weeks later, that any dwarf who, when watched
for more than 30 seconds, did not explode, was not carrying explosives.)

Omg! Aha, I loved this part. It made me chuckle. It was cleverly written and executed.

“There’s only going to be two men in it… I was providing
shelter for the Half-Orc, Brek. It’s just that I don’t want him
sleeping any closer to me than he has to!”

I liked this bit also. Brings me closer to the characters as real people and less of fantasy-like creatures.

“May Misratx guide your blade to the hearts of your enemies,
Brother. And may Rec’ymur deliver you safely to your destination.”

I thought this was very creatuve – I am assuming you made it up.

Meanwhile, across town, the author launched a sinister plot device.

The author? Is that Renil? I did not quite understand this line.

These clothes were all a shade of shadow.

Everything before this line was great, but the word ‘shade’ and then ‘shadow’ doesn’t quite work for me. Maybe it could be worded differently.

The man led his intruder / employee through…

I liked the use of the ‘/ ’ here. It was refreshing. Although I did feel you do not use enough punctuation to create more complex sentences like: ‘;’, ‘-‘, ‘—‘, ‘- -‘, etc. You can really define your writing style with more complexity mixing it up a bit. This can really make your writing more interesting to read at a somewhat slow part of a chapter.

… shall have to see if the open country makes men of them.

Great wording! I loved this line.

“Even the most powerful of mages must resort to little spells,
should the occasion call for it.” We shall not overlook her, just in case.”

I was confused as to what was going on with the quotations here. Mistake?

…his hand over his mouth and drummed his fingers on his cheek.

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At 4/24/05 01:28 AM, M-A-R-C-U-S wrote: mm i went back to school and such at the end...

I see...

hehe i was on holidays dude, team 2 werent gona win JACK :P haha.

Go figure... (lol)

rofle... if you started b/p'ing more, you would get a higher VP and thus eventually move up the rankings here... but medals would probably be quicker if there's any to be had.

Meh, i'll live. I am a slack when it comes to NG. OMG! I have so much on the go. Lots of art and writing on the go.

ya happy bday dude... it was your 18th wasnt it? lol.
cewl :P

Yup, 18er... thanks youngin.

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At 4/24/05 03:32 PM, Coop83 wrote: Cool, I can wait a while longer.

Okay, thanks.

btw, that pic of me was after I'd had a few. You may notice one of the bottles of Southern Comfort had been half drained, by the time I got to taking the picture, adding to the mailce of my picture.

lol! It is such a misjevious look. You drunkard...

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At 4/23/05 07:15 PM, Alkador wrote: Thank you very much for spending a long time commenting on my story and such. I might do the same for you as I am glad to have some good feedback. The problem with me when I show my friends my writing is they say that it is 'really good' without any proper suggestions.

Well, I am very serious about writing. I want to be a professor of English and also be a writer. It is hard for me not to be judgmental at times. And to be fully honest, I make a lot of the same mistakes you do, but as writers we are too stubborn to notice our own flaws. So it is good to have others who have the same interest read your work. I also find it helpful to leave a piece of writing for a week and then go back to it after you have cleared away all your bias. That is what i do at least.

You also remind me of the English teacher, who feels that I have the habit of making my sentences 'wordy' or to explain something more words than it requires. Never learning grammar in primary or secondary school, I have always tried to see where I go wrong and haven't really learned the proper sentence structures and names of terms given to particular words and characters, such as prepositions, clauses, colons etc. I suppose reading up on that may give me some backbone towards my story.

Well, like i said on your forum, your writing made sense logically and the story idea is so interesting, it is just the problem that you use commas when you are not supposed to and sometimes you do not write complete sentences (fragments). Your wording and imagery is very unique, it is just your grammar that is the problem. So if you can master grammar enough to be a an editor, you will be one hell of a writer on top of how good you already are.

I might go ahead and write up the basics of grammar that you should know and post it here if you like. Then i can notify you in the LUL or on your forum.

I will try to use all the suggestions given and attempt to work on the first chapter to see what I can generate. I'm glad to see that you find it rather good to read. I'll try harder and I hope to improve.

Well i love your attitude. I must admit that that is the attitude of a writer. A writer must be willing to improve to matter what and must be able to take positive criticism. I have no doubt in my mind that you will improve.

Thank again.

It is my pleasure. You have a deffientn talent.

At 4/23/05 08:15 PM, Rile1 wrote: so all I have to do is put Writers Club: writer in my signature?? if so im puting it right now

Welcome to the club. Please post your own writing.

At 4/24/05 04:50 AM, -Manic- wrote: Myst I'm currently editing eveyrthing I've done so far with Bloodline and hopefully I'll be able to send it ya in an emial by either tommorow or the day after. However I do have a lot of work to do aswell ( I hate essays grrrrrrr ) so if you don't get it its cause Ive had a mental breakdown and have bee amditte dto the local insane asylum.

lol, okay. No worries, i am quite bust reading King Lear as of now myself. So whenever you finish you finish, we have lots of time.

COOP, sorry that i have been caught up and not commenting on your piece. I had to do Alks and today i have an editorial to write (yesterday was the party XD)... so i will finish up my notes on the bus ride on Monday and have it done Monday night for sure. I am nearly done compiling my notes, it is just hectic this weekend.

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At 4/24/05 09:12 AM, LamboFactor wrote: Is it too late to join the brotherhood?

I stopped keeping track of members for now, but you are welcome for sure. : )

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At 4/23/05 10:46 PM, Snerd wrote: I don't know who that is and that means you're wrong then.

Well a reader you must be.

Capitalizing the "h" is a symbol of reverance. Most Christians (if not, all) do that. It's mainly for irony to have reverance in an irreverant story.

I know what it is, but i did not know what your story was about, so i was not sure if your character is just named Jesus and referred to God, or if he actually is Jesus, or if it was just a random name. And in fact capatlizing the 'h' refers to God, and not Jesus. I know this for a fact because i study religion and culture.

Here is a quote just to show you:
'Jesus withdrew toward the sea with his disciples.' (Mark 3:7)

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At 4/23/05 05:58 PM, Coop83 wrote:

At 4/22/05 08:55 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: I, myself, don't work for the man.

Good for you. Someday, I intend to be THE MAN!

lol! that is what i was getting at.

Western Conference
1. Phoenix Suns - I call Phoenix

Nash is Canadian... plus i love the teams playing style. They will choke though. : P lol

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At 4/23/05 04:43 PM, lex117 wrote: Please accept my apologies of not visiting nor helping the club in a long time, but since i moved to Bulgaria, i have not been in the mood of doing anything much anymore.

We are glad to have you visit when you can. : )

At 4/23/05 04:47 PM, LordSkeletor wrote: wow you guys STILL here.....wow anyway how is everybody?

Oh ya man, i don't plan on going anywhere. Where have you been? You doing well?

At 4/23/05 05:44 PM, Coop83 wrote: A belated happy Birthday to you, Myst Williams. Have a drink on me.

Roffle! That picture always makes me laugh. You're giving such a misjevious look.

I can see you doing one of those 'Just say "NO" ' commercials where they depict you as the 'peer pressure' guy saying, 'Just a sip. C'mon, it's good' or somthing. lol.

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At 4/23/05 03:43 PM, Snerd wrote: part 17:

I have not been following your posts here, but i was reading a bit through this and i immediately got the impression that the character Jesus was somewhat inspired by Owen Meany? Just how he speaks in all caps and the fact that his name is Jesus. I was just curious if i was right?

And i noticed how you refer to Jesus as God (like you would refer to God as Him or refer to Jesus' stomach as His stomach). So what is this about, can i have a short synopsis of what i have missed or something (just brief - I dont want to cause you trouble). I am interested to keep up with it, but i do not want to go back and find all the last parts.

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At 4/23/05 01:30 PM, supe-man wrote: i press play on the audio's and nothing happens i've got my volume turned up? any help?

Ya, you have to wait for it too load, and also sometime sif you click one and then a different one... it will automatically load and then stop so that you have to click it again to play it. However that is only if you don't stop the one before and start a new one.

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At 4/23/05 12:55 PM, twilight_venom wrote: i'm still not sure. i'll think about it.

It is not that big of a decision. Just join and see how you like it.

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Alkador's Story - The Tales of Alkador

Well, I will start with the negatives and end with the positives.

You have a weak grammatical structure. I did not go ahead and edit this, but I can say that just from reading it as reader and not an editor, I caught a lot of mistakes mentally. A reader should never be able to point out more than four or five flaws in a novel let alone the amount I pulled from one chapter. The major problems were comma splices and sentence fragments. I will give you an example of both, but I am not going to go through them all.

Comma Splice:

His near white lips were equal in size as smiled while folding his arms, the sound of
squeaking leather echoing the room.

I chose this sentence because I could point out a lot of things that you should look out for.
1) You skipped a word: '...equal in size as he smiled...'
2) The comma is used inappropriately. It should be two separate sentences. You cannot use a comma like that without a connecting prep like: and, but etc.
3) You switches tense a bit: 'echoing' should be 'echoed'? Or maybe there should be an 'in': '...echoing in the room.' I am not sure, but it is awkward at most.

Sentence Fragment:

A large table that could seat many people.

Either you should have a ';' connecting that to the sentence before or star the sentence with 'It was a large...' or connect the sentence before with a comma and a 'and': 'Rakavir made his way back to the end of the table, and it was a large table that could...' You can approach this in many ways.

Most of your fragments started with the words 'A', 'Yet', or 'But'. Some of them were not fragments, but many were. And you used the word 'Yet' way too much. You used the word once every second paragraph practically, and sometimes two, three times in one paragraph. Plus, a lot of the times you used it incorrectly. Not only is that much repetition annoying, it is quite pedestrian.

The line:

And thus, the story begins...

Should not be used. Not only because it is repeated nearly the same later, but this on is not as affective as the other.

The line:

It hurt with a throbbing pain, yet she dared not move. But she stood erect as she looked
forwards at the source of her pain.

1) The line: ‘It hurt with a throbbing pain…’ is kind of awkward. You said the same thing twice in six words. Say something like, ‘The pain she felt upon her face throbbed erratically...’ or ‘Her face throbbed from the pain…’ The way you wrote it makes sense logically, but make no sense structurally.

2) The second half could be written as ‘…she dared not move, but she stood…’ as one sentence with a comma or ‘she dared not move as she stood erect looking forwards…’ as one full sentence.

I do not mean to sound picky, but as much as your idea is intriguing and very well thought out, you need good writing to go along with that good idea. I am not sure if you one-day want to publish this story, but if you do, you need have writing that is not so pedestrian.

The line:

Wavan begat Wakun: who rules the entire faction of Gallalecto is an isolated galaxy
from the unknown forces from the original galaxy that they were banished from…

This is just awkwardly written and confusing. Maybe you should revise and clarify.

The line: Little did she know that the child before her was one who would be a legend in

times to come.

This line is not only cliché, but tells the reader exactly who the child is. It might be better to not have the line creating more mystery and not seeming so cliché.

Overall, I find your biggest problem is your grammar. You try and use a lot of complex sentences, which is good, but the simple sentences and grammatical errors over shadow the gems that can be found in this piece. The only way to move away from pedestrian writing is to practice, revise and read.

On to the positives…

The ending line:

And so begins the tale of Alkador…

I really like this line even though it is overused throughout history. However, if you leave the first similar line after the prologue the mood and power this line brings will diminish.

The idea is amazing. I am so intrigued. I do not mean to sound rude, but when I go through it and have a hard time reading it because of grammatical problem, it takes away from the quality of the story. If this was written with more prices detail in sensory and structure than it may as well be a masterpiece, because the idea is so damn intriguing. The prologue was a little confusing and the story could probably do without, but the whole idea of having a child to a servant’s daughter, and these weird powers etc. is very intriguing. I am not sure where the story is going, but if you can keep up the intrigue, the idea could very well make a spectacular novel.

I liked how Rakavir was nicknamed Prince of Evil. It makes me think of Satan, which automatically created the character intended in my mind without even describing him. I knew he was cunning, backstabbing, power hungry, etc. And I knew it all from that little nickname that many Christians would relate to Satan (not that he is Satan, but as a character the way people envision Satan may be similar).

Overall, it seems like a story that could keep a reader’s attention if, and only if, the writing can keep their attention. You can have a great story, but it has to be affectively written. Also, before I forget, you had a good use of imagery at times as well (ex.// when he threw the blade across the huge table into Rakivir).

I hope my review is helpful. Please, if you have any question just ask.

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At 4/22/05 10:33 PM, BigLundi wrote: i don't believe thedarkguardian's story has been critiqued yet, not to rush you understand. but we are jointly working on that story and would like your opinions.

I have two people awaiting reveiws from me ahead of you, so i might be able to get to it during next week if someone does not beat me to it. However, as of now, i got two long chapters to read for two different people and i promised them both a while back.

Hopefully someone else will get to it before me.

At 4/23/05 01:28 AM, WithoutCease wrote: I sent you an E-Mail at 1 in the fucking morning so don't say that shit.

Ya, i did not see that email until after i made that post. I replied to the email. Thanks again.

Now everyone has wished me b-day... i am no longer e-sad. : )

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At 4/22/05 10:13 PM, -repent- wrote: Yes but we pulled back

Ahh, i see.

Fine Well nothing really, I just started to run daily so

Track meets coming up?

At 4/22/05 11:30 PM, M-A-R-C-U-S wrote: Myst, my team won ofcourse :)

Go figure! <3

At 4/22/05 11:47 PM, DAVE wrote: Sergeant: Myst_Williams 2

I need a competition. I am starting to grow sick of Sergeant. : P

Nice update DAVE.

At 4/23/05 12:40 AM, Wylo wrote: Happy Belated (by half-an-hour) Birthday!

Thanks! : )

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At 4/22/05 09:58 PM, ReconRebel wrote: Happy birthday Myst_Williams!

Thanks!

You don't have your age listed but I'm guessing you're 18 years old today.

That would be the right assumption.

At 4/23/05 12:19 AM, BonusGreaterThanYou wrote: HAHAAH i guess i'll say omg horray to Kyle <3

XD Thanks bruh!

At 4/23/05 01:05 AM, Master_Inuyasha wrote: rofl K

Thanks : )

Happy Escaping Day! :D

Heh, even though yesterday was my b-day... today will be 'escaping' day.

At 4/23/05 04:43 AM, Alkador wrote: I would prefer honest remarks thanks. In real life, my relationships with my best friends are purely based on honesty (unless it's very personal, I respect their choices) and yeaha. I mean, they can lie, but you get my point.

I would never lie anyway. And honest is what i prefer. I am sure it will be great. I am printing it off as i type this.

How is everyone now?

Well rested.

A Happy Birthday to Myst_Williams again!

Thanks again!

At 4/23/05 06:41 AM, The_Redangleknight wrote: Happy Blated birthday to you.

Merci Beaucoup!

At 4/23/05 06:45 AM, Bahamut7 wrote: Myst_Williams - Happy birthday. Even though it was yesterday. :S

I still appreciate it. Thanks.

At 4/23/05 07:11 AM, -Mazza- wrote: -Myst_Williams: Happy Earth Day! I mean, birthday.

ROFFLE! I hate you... lol

At 4/23/05 07:24 AM, Tom_s00 wrote: Happy Birthday Myst_Williams.

Thanks mano.

Congrats to everyone also who achieved.