Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

I'd like to think I have a pretty stable personality. I don't drink much, I know how to use an inside voice, and I don't get so riled up about things on my computer and the Internet that I start typing as fast as humanly possible to get my opinion out there before you do. I don't swear all that much, but when I do it's simply because I don't have the vocabulary to voice the importance or urgency of what I'm trying to say without using some *ahem* colourful language. Appearently that line doesn't work so well with some people.

Walking home from my local downtown club (ugh, I hate saying club) as I usually do, I pass by the suburban houses. Against my better judgement, I begin to think. Normally thinking isn't to big a problem for me, but when I drink and then form thoughts I talk out loud. So I can only imagine the looks I would be getting if there were people around. Taking confidence from my lack of an audience, I begin to talk to myself louder and with more gusto. Soon every other word spewing from my drunken mouth seems to be "fuck," regardless of what I was talking about. Some of my favorites were:

"Fucking rye what the fucking fuck!"
"I should fucking call Cassie. Stupid fucking whore."
"Holy fuck! You fucking freaked the shit out of me man! Oh, there's no one there fuckwad. Fuck you're stupid."

And let us not forget, "I'm swear to fucking God if you say "fuck" one more time Alex, I'm going to fucking throw you into an open fucking manhole and hope you get fucked in the fucking ass by a fucking sewer gator!"

It was that little gem that I let fly just as someone was taking out their trash. Why someone is taking out their trash at three in the morning is debatable. Needless to say, he was shocked and appauled by my language.

"What kind of language is that! You talk to your mother with that mouth?"

I had no response or reaction to the comment, and continued to walk in my easternly direction. At least I think it's east. I made it home, and as soon as I was settled into bed the reality of what the guy had said hit me.

I do swear too much.

I dwelled on this appifany for a good five sconds before furrowing my brow and shouting at no one in particular, "Who the FUCK takes out their garbage now?"

At the time, I was genuinely disturbed by the pure balls that man must have had to try and cut down the character of a lone drunk wandering the streets cursing at himself. For all he knew, I was an angry drunkard, and such comments about my vocabulary send me into a blind rage that I wouldn't emerge from for days! How sweet would that be.

I'm making a mental note to have a "kill every person on Earth" trigger word programmed into me.

When I woke up this morning, the guys asked me what the hell I was yelling about that night, so I regailed them with the tale.

They told me that if I wake them up like that again, they're going to force feed me a cinder block.

At 2/8/06 11:22 PM, Enoll wrote: You do know that pirates still exist right?
But now they have guns.

:O NO FARKIN' WAY!

Well butter my butt and call my ass breakfast!

You assfart.

I've noticed a trend. Things becoming lame or less appealing due to oversaturation. We might be able to nip some things in the bud if we try. But I know you won't help. You know who you are.

I suggest that you stop talking about the following for a couple of years, in order to increase their conversational fertility.

BEARS: Stop talking about bears, acting like bears, showing bear attacks on TV, or making fun of bears. They're really nothing to laugh at. I want to see you crack a joke while you have a metric ton of furry death machine barreling at you. I completely lost my taste for bears after they started making regular appearances on The Colbert Report. (And it's reporT. There's a T you fucking egotistical shit eater.) I used to like Colbert, until they gave him his own show. Now he has to dig through internet and previously-tapped-out trends to make a funny. Boo. Let's let the bear trend "hibernate" for a couple of years. Ha ha ha...

*Hangs self*

AWESOME THINGS: You know what I mean. Ninjas, pirates, robots, and any or all or their combinations. These three noble professions have been tainted and slandered for long enough. Ninjas used to be a proud and honourable bunch, and now every Tom, Dick, and Harry thinks that they have "real ultimate power" and "flips out" or "ninjers" whenever they think they can. You can't just whip that shit around willy-nilly.

Pirates used to be feared. Now people just make fun of their eyepatches, and make light of their ever-constant battle with the ninjas. (Many speculate the fued was sparked purely by the media anyway.)

And robots...well robots don't have feelings anyway. Fuck 'em.

EMO: No one can define it. No one cares about it. No one wants to be it, and yet everyone seems to think everyone else is it. If everyone is calling everyone else emo, doesn't that make us all emo? Here's an idea! Let's all just fucking drop it. Just get rid of the word altogether and the problem is essentially solved. Same principle as burying a dead hooker.

BURYING DEAD HOOKERS: They're just trying to make a living because they're too stupid or drug-addled to get an education, were raised by a poor family who shouldn't have had kids anyway, and too ugly to work as a stripper. They have it bad enough. Stop killing and burying them, and stop making jokes about it. What if the joke was, "Geez Paul, what are we going to do with this dead football player that we paid to suck us off?"
"I don't know Ringo. Let's just bury him and forget it ever happened!"
"Fantastic! Goob goob ka choob!"

Or something like that.

What is with the guns?
And the ckickens?
And the guns?

I want his hat too.

One night after the bar, I was walking by the skatepark downtown to get to my buddies house so I could crash. There was a few kids having a streetlight session, like I used to do. While I revelling in my nostalgia, I heard one of them pipe up:

"Hey, are you drunk you sellout?"

This shook me. I didn't even know people said "sellout" anymore. I had put together some clothes to wear to the bar, which happened to be all Volcom Stone. I hadn't sold my sould to get hooked up head to toe in Volcom shit or anything. I just put on the shirt, jeans, and hoodie since they were all clean, all kind of matched, and I like the way they look. The fact that other people liked the way I looked that night made me feel better about it too.

I had to drop a little something on these kids so they knew what was going on.

"What did you call me?"
"A sellout. Look at you man, that Volcom stuff must have cost a fortune."
"It was free. From where I work. You called me a sellout? Why?"
"Because wearing that shit means you take it from the corperations."

I was Corperate. Of course. Now, I couldn't hammer these kids for what they were wearing, because they were dressed like homeless people. Practicing what tey preached obviously.

I had to ask. "What kind of deck is that?"
"Mini-logo."
"Ah, Powell. Nice."
"No dude, MINI-LOGO."
"Uh-huh." Moron. "Trucks?"
"Tensor."
"Wheels?"
"Speed Demon. Why the fuck do you care?"

Sigh.

"You, or your parents had to buy that stuff, right? Well, the deck is wood industry, which is corperate. The trucks are steel industry, which is corperate. The wheels are plastic industry, which is corperate. The fact is, unless you cut and pressed that deck, smelted those trucks, and molded those wheels yourself, according to your views, you are the sellouts."

The immediate response. "No, man. It's different because selling out is all about looks. Not what you ride."

"You just defined "selling out" as giving money to The Corperations. You did that when you got your setups."

I don't care if I was right or wrong, but it was fun.

We rocked the shit out of Finland in the semis, but I missed the end of the Ruskie-US game.

At 1/5/06 07:19 PM, CryogenChaos wrote: Use it as air freshener.

Pour it in a spray bottle/can and spray in smelly areas.

Wouldn't work so well. The residue Litserine leaves when it dries isn't all that pleasant to look at, and can be a bitch to clean up.

At 1/5/06 06:47 PM, Artanis2260 wrote: what i want to know is, do you wake up one morning and go, "hmm, what kitchen or bathroom product can i experiment with today?"

No, I had the idea mulling about in my head for a couple of weeks. I tried to think of something else I could use, but Listerine seemed the most flexible.

The first thing that rolls out of everyone's shit-spewer when I mention this is "you have too much time on your hands."

I KNOW I DO.

I came across all of these through experimenting with my own bottles (four one litre bottles, all Advanced Listerine Plus with Whitenol) over the course of a couple of days.

Let's get on with it then.

1. Toilet bowl cleaner

This made the most sense to me out of all the things I tried. I mean, anti-bacterial, smells decent, acidic...and it worked surprisingly well. It left the bowl spotless (which is some trick, because my toilet gets nasty), a nice minty smell, and a cool blue colour. The problem is how much Listerine you have to use to get the desired effect (about half a litre).

2. Cologne

I smell bad. Really bad, and I do so frequently. However, I don't own any cologne, and never have. So what do I do besides apply some pit stick in the morning and hope for the best? Improvise. At least a couple of dozen times I have used fragrant food in place of actual cologne. You know, lemons, oranges, cinnimon sticks, various sodas, etc. If you have Listerine handy (I know they sell it in travel sizes you can keep in your car) you can very, very lighlty apply some to the offending areas of your body. Apply directly to skin, as Listerine will leave stains when it dries. Plus, if anyone licks you at any point in the evening, you taste like candy.

3. Hand sanitizer

If you're some kind of germophobe or something and desperately needed to sanitze yourself, this is one way to do it.

4. Getting drunk

To me, this appears to be an urban myth. Not only are you not even supposed to swallow the stuff, I can't imagine how much of it you'd need to drink to feel any effects. Regardless, and with poison control on speed dial, I drank Listerine. The results? A pounding headache and one angry tummy. That's it. Results may vary of course, as some people are quicker to give in to the effects of substances.

5. Mace

I'm heading way out on a limb here, but bear with me. You're a supple, young, rapeable woman, wandering down the streets at night by yourself. Oh no! A potential rapist! You reach into your purse quickly, and throw a travel-sized bottle of Listerine into teh attacker's eyes! Bam, he's down. Likely? Of course not. You'd want to be carrying real Mace. But if worse comes to worse...

Trust me, this shit burns your eyes like nothing else.

6. Lamb Marinade

I marinaded a couple of lamb chops in Listerine for about an hour, then straight-up threw them in the pan. It smelled pretty funky while they cooked, but had the same effect as putting mint jelly on them. Only more so. Sounds kind of gross I know, but next time you get a chance...

Those are the six best uses for Listerine (other than washing out your filthy whore mouth) that I could come up with and dare to actually try. Long story short, the stuff is amazing, and I will never be without it again.

I'm still washing my ears out as I type this. Needless to say, it's taking me some time. Western bars are hazardous places, and I know this. But the worst thing I can see happening to me there is either getting my ass kicked, or going home with someone who's A) got something I don't want or B) has got to leave out the back door. Turns out I would rather do either than get some faux-pointy granny tits in my ears while I try to enjoy a beer and a conversation with a lady who I might actually have a chance with. God. I can't shake it. It's just terrible. This woman was far from a cougar, and probably far from her meds. I wasn't nearly drunk enough to dance with her, let alone make eye contact with while she tried to haras me into two-stepping.

"Does your mother know you're here?" she asks.
"No. Do your grandkids know you're here?"

This sets her off. She tells me and my friends to "get the fuck out of her sight, and make room for some real men who want to dance with her and her girls." I prayed to Jesus and everyone related to him that "her girls" were the other equally old, but obviously more behaved, ladies at their table. We all turned back to our beers with a "so anyway," and continued on like it never happened.

On our way out after last call, the same lady groped me and two other guys in the doorway. I contemplated calling the cops.

At 10/7/05 12:10 PM, lolomfgisuck wrote:

How would you change the volume, select a song, or upload new material?

Skin implants. Burton Snowboarding designed a winter jacket the year that the iPod came out. It had the controls for the iPod sewn into the sleeve of the jacket. It wouldn't be that hard to do the same to someone's skin. It's nothing new.

At 10/7/05 12:11 PM, VampireKid wrote:

Something about music only you can hear.

They've done that a million times as well, and it's old as shit. Did you ever have those suckers that played music? They simply sent vibrations through your jaw to the ear. Bam. Only you can hear it.

And now you do too...

If I was in your shoes, I'd pick Roye. Something new, something fresh, and something that might turn into one of the best relationships ever for all you know. Give her a shot.

Brittany just sounds like a whack job, but if you've been together before and you already know most of the negative aspects she might not be that bad a choice. But if you've already broken up multiple times, its a sign that something's not right, and you should both try something else.

And finally, Latasha. She has a kid already, and I'm assuming it isn't yours. I hate to say it, but I wouldn't get involved to deep with her for that reason alone. If she didn't have the kid, it would be a no-brainer. But she does, and you might not want to get roped into that stepdad shit before you're ready.

But it's up to you.

At 10/5/05 04:53 PM, Kazera wrote: Your elocution fucking sucks. You are one of the most fucking inarticulate bitches I know.

It's the Internet. Lighten up you goof.

Explatives should be saved and used at appropriate times. However, many of us (myself included) can't communicate our ideas elequently or quickly enough. Swearing bridges the gap, and allows us to put emphasis on our main ideas, mainly through use of the word "fuck," thanks to its diversity.

At 10/5/05 04:44 PM, EviLDoG wrote:

At 10/5/05 04:39 PM, -Manman- wrote: If you can do one-handed handstands, that adds another dimension of moves as well.

The stick drawing was just a guide, it's not my real size. I'll be really drunk at the time, but i might the the inverted worm. Also how do i do the nail in the coffin? I don't know the first thing about playing a guitar.

Nail-in-the-coffin is simply raising the neck of the guitar with your left hand as far up and to the right as possible, then bringing it back down with a hard and fast motion. From there, you let instinct and momentum guide and you can string together some pretty interesting drunken flailings.

Same as dancing and singing, but i've won a dance competition and a karaoke comp. Also a wet t-shirt comp.

Eww.

At 10/5/05 04:38 PM, DarkLord009 wrote: My Aura was dark I have changed it to light, because compassion just hit me in the head with a rock.

"Compassion" hit you, in the head, with a rock?

Are you high or something? Get off "the drugs" you hippy, and come back when you can form a paragraph without contradicting yourself.

At 10/5/05 04:31 PM, EviLDoG wrote: I was thinking one move could be where you grab you leg behind your ass when it's bent, then shake a few times, extend the leg, hold your ankle with your other hand, then play an imaginary guitar on your thigh, as pictured below:

Make sure you stretch before trying. It would be awkward to do this because you can't get the fret-pounding action going with your other hand lest you drop your leg. You might want to try some Alexisonfire-type energetic moves (Nail-in-the-coffin, etc), or some old school one-legged hops while you "play" your guitar. You could get really wild (and painful) by doing "ant bounces." You basically just lay on your back and pop yourself up off the ground with your legs (like an inverted worm motion).

If you can do one-handed handstands, that adds another dimension of moves as well.

Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead seem to be his only videogame-related tragedies, But I could be wrong. Bloodrayne probably wouldn't have made that good of a movie anyway, regardless of who was behind it.

Metal Gear Solid 2 theme song. I'm trying to get it as a ringtone for my phone.

At 10/5/05 03:53 PM, LogoPresents wrote: To me, when i die, everything just doesn't STOP does it? I mean, there HAS to be more...trouble is, how will we ever find out until we try? Sometimes i get tired of waiting. I can't take 50 more years of the SAME stuff every day. I got sick of school for being bored to death, now life is doing it to me...The "end" just seems like the next big challenge to test...

What happens when we die? It's not for us to know. If you're so bored with life DO SOMETHING. Get a hobby, start something new. Fuck, I'm on the verge of starting my own business, and I just signed up to (hopefully) get my own radio show at the college. Get a job, a girlfriend, something. If you're so fucking bored with life and you need to find out SO BAD what happens when you die, drink some fucking Drano and just die then.

At 10/5/05 03:37 PM, Wardawn wrote: wir haben ein problem an richtig.

Verfluchtes Recht dort ist ein Problem! Dieses ist auf weit zu langes gegangen, und ich tue etwas über es!

(My translator sucks)

Die Zeit ist schließlich zur Hand.
The time is finally at hand.

Wir beseitigen diese Drohung ein für allemal.
We will eliminate this threat once and for all.

Die boogers müssen zur Gerechtigkeit geholt werden, und es gibt keine anderen Wahlen.
The boogers must be brought to justice, and there are no other options.

Lassen Sie das Reinigen, anzufangen!
Let the cleansing begin!

Lassen Sie kein booger unpicked! Kein Nasenloch verstopfte! Kein Finger nicht in einer Nase!
Leave no booger unpicked! No nostril clogged! No finger not in a nose!

Die Zeit ist JETZT! Tod zum booger! Phasen sehnen sich das VorlagenFinger-rennen!
The time is NOW! Death to the booger! Long live the master finger-race!

You...you got a little poop on your nose there.

In your butt
Put the boogie in your butt
Put, put the boogie in your butt
In your butt
Put the boogie in your butt
Put, put the boogie in your butt

I ain't puttin no boogie in nobody's butt
That's nasty, man
What you talkin about
Puttin boogie in people's butt
Are you out yo mind or something?
Could go to jail for doin something like that

Step aside my friend
I been doing it for years
I say, sit on down, open your eyes
And open up your ears
Say, put a tree in your butt
Put a bumblebee in your butt
Put a clock in your butt
Put a big rock in your butt
Say, put some fleas in your butt
Say, start to sneeze in your butt
Say, put a tin can in your butt
Put a little tiny man in your butt
Say, put a light in your butt
Say, make it right in your butt
Say, put a TV in your butt
Say, put me in your butt
Everybody say

In your butt
Put the boogie in your butt
Put, put the boogie in your butt
In your butt
Put the boogie in your butt
Put, put the boogie in your butt

I, hey, that's, man, I ain't putting no trees in nobody's butt,
no bees in nobody's butt, putting nothing--
You must be out your mind, man,
y'all get paid for doing this?
Cause y'all gotta get some kind of money
Cause this don't sound like the kind of--
I'd rather golf, to be perfectly honest,
than put somethin in somebody's butt
to be truthful

Step aside my friend and let me
show you how you do it
When big bad E just rock rock to it
Put a case in your butt
Say, put a metal case in your butt
Say, put her face in your butt
Say, put a frown in your butt
Say, put a clown in your butt
Say, sit on down in your butt
Say, put a boat in your butt
Say, put a moat in your butt
Put a mink coat in your butt
Put everything in your butt
Just start to sing about your butt
Feels real good
When you sing about your butt, sing

In your butt
Put the boogie in your butt
Put, put the boogie in your butt

Now wait a second, now,
Do y'all get paid for this, for doing this?
Puttin the butt and all that stuff?
Really?
What's this? A 100 dollar bill?
I get to keep this 100 dollars if
I be puttin stuff in people's butts?
Really? Step aside.

Put a telephone in your butt
Say, put some dust in your butt
Say "it's a must" in your butt
Say, pizza crust in your butt
Say, put a telephone in your butt
Put a dinosaur bone in your butt
Put a radiator in your butt
I'll say "see you later" in your butt
Put an alligator in your butt
Say, put some money in your butt
Sure feels real funny in your butt
Say, squeeze it, please it, but don't tease it
Put it in your butt
Well, let me just say
Put a hot cup of Brim
Fill it to the rim
And put it in your butt
To the beat
Two sugars, stuff so sweet

In your butt
Put the boogie in your butt
Put, put the boogie in your butt

In your butt
Put the boogie in your butt
Put, put the boogie in your butt

Put a quarter, put a penny,
put a dime, put a nickel
Sure do tickle
Just put it in your butt
Put some change in your butt
Feels mighty strange in your butt

At 9/30/05 05:51 PM, NOIR_ wrote: You're post in directed at the viewers, inferring you consider us pimps. I'm flattered.

Don't be.

Real pimps are proffesionals. They get by through selling sex. As if that is much different from televisions overall marketing scheme to grasp a community of avid viewers. Sex sells, mind you, it sells very well.

Straying a little bit, but I see what you mean. The "pimps" I was harshing on was entertainment pimps. Those in the music and visual medias. I didn't mean to infer the pimps that work the streets around the downtown cores of almost every city you can name.

You'd have a stronger foundation for your vent if you could provide us with a few enthralling first hand experiences with a mac daddy.

Again, we're not talking about the same kind of pimp. We're on two entirely different pages of the pimpology textbook if you will. I'm dumping on the "money is power, and we're kings" lifestyles of the entertainment world.

Regarding the rest of your post, eat my shit. Quit living in the past, furthermore, part of a past you haven't even experienced. 70's, yada yada yada. Were you there? At 19 years old, I find that hard to believe. Unless your mother had your premature fetus bouncing around while she hugged trees and had unprotected sex for a few years.

Ouch. What about all the classic music we all listen to? Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam, Queen. There was a lifestyle that went along with all of it, and I thought it was fucking awesome. Are you going to take a shit on everyone who enjoys something they weren't lucky enough to be alive for? Are we not allowed to take pride in what was accomplished back in the 60's, simply because we weren't there?

You have some misdirected animosity. I don't even understand what you are so angsty about with your uneducated babble.

It just seems to me that you aren't looking in the same direction that I'm directing my animosity, that's all.

Those systems aren't old enough to get nostalgic over yet. Go to a garage sale and try and pick up an NES for some real old-school fun. Or date a girl who has an Atari, like I did.

At 9/30/05 05:45 PM, fedges wrote: Im a pimp cuz I walk with a limp

I hear buttsex will do that to you.

"Just tell your girlfriend you couldn't come because you were high. She'll understand."

At 9/30/05 05:35 PM, NOIR_ wrote:

Who exactly are you addressing here?
Pimps on the NG boards?

I'm addressing you, boy. As well as everyone else I feel the need to spread this to. You think this is the only public forum (and I don't limit myself to Internet forums) that I've brought this to?