No biggy Brittany. You've always hidden stuff from me and never really told me the truth. I've been expecting stuff like this ever since College started. It doesn't hurt, since I knew you had been seeing other people since Highschool.
I never cheated on you and never even thought about it. I sincerely loved you and forgave you countless times. You tested my patience a lot, and I'm sure I tested yours, but it was all good. What really shocked me was how you reacted to me going to College.
Everything about you changed. Although you mellowed out in terms of religious fanatcism, you clearly got worse mentally. You thought I was leaving you and had to build a wall of lies so you wouldn't be hurt by me. Instead, you wanted to hurt me before you thought I would hurt you.
That whole pregnancy lie was horrible, but I forgave you. The time at the mall, I forgave you then. That smelly black dude who you cheated on me with (terribly disgusting), I forgave you. Every time you lied about cheating or cheated, I forgave you. Sure, it may have taken a while to forgive you, but what you did was very serious.
I'm not mad at you at all. I'm glad you're doing what you think is right. I'm glad you're having fun and having a good time too. I just hope you're strong enough to stay faithfull to this guy.
Also, I don't see how I treated you bad. Every single fight we had was a result of something you did, be it cheating on me, lieng to me, or whatever. We maybe got into a hand full of fights that were because of me.
I understand that I'm not a hardcore Conservative Christian, these are the kind of people you like. I was something vastly different and you felt like you had to change me. Just remember something, while I forgave everything, you did not.
You spoke of immaturity, but everything I've done outside of college was a big step up. From stepping up to help Tasha out by helping her get a house (which she never got into, which wasn't my fault as I gave her well over $1000 of MY cash just so she and her kid could have a roof over their heads) to forgiving you and wanting to try it out again. I'm not an immature guy, infact, you're the only person who has ever called me that.
Now, I don't want to point any fingers, but I've been pretty level headed through out this response, so I need to vent just a little. I'm not mad, just frustrated that you didn't tell me that night or sooner.
Maturity is being able to forgive somebody for something they did. Maturity is stepping up to the plate and helping somebody out who needs it. Maturity is realizing when you are wrong and not putting the blame on others. Who does this sound like more, me or you? If you said you, think again.
As I said earlier, everytime you cheated or lied I forgave you. It may have taken time as these were very serious things, but I forgave you when others would have said "Fuck this shit, I'm leaving." You're strill droning on about the football game, which was a result of a lie you told me, but I'm not going to put the blame on you as I acted out of line. I accepted what I did and moved on. You knew I didn't want to be there. You lied to me when you said you would be right back (although it was an hour to an hour and a half before I walked over there). You acted like you had NO idea what I was talking about when you said you would be right back making you seem completely innocent of what happened.
Not being able to forgive, that's immaturity.
But you are right, though. I've been very feeble minded and weak, which is a sign of immaturity. I've been stuck on you and I couldn't move on. I did and do love you just as much as I did before, but I've grown tired of being hurt and rejected for being a perfectly nice guy. Since you could never accept the fact that you fell in love with someone you NEVER thought you'd fall in love with, you created lots of lies that you fed yourself untill they were true to you JUST so you could say that it was me that was doing it.
You never thought you'd fall in love with a non-christian, non-preppy person who takes people for who they are and what they do, not what they say and look. See, to you, everything is skin deep. I'm not an attractive guy, I know this. I've got an ugly body and I've accepted this. What makes up for this is my personality. You couldn't face the fact that you fell in love with somebody for their personality so you lied to yourself about me. It's perfectly understandable. Everyone's done it when they were younger. If somebody was uglier than them than they were either a bad person or simply neglected.
It happened to me for a while, but I always seemed to find the best friends anyone could ever have. Hell, I've still got my friends from Germany trying to get a hold of me. Something you have trouble with is keeping friends, which is a direct result of you trying to boost yourself up the social heirarchy, as if one existed to anyone but those who claim they are at the top and those who are delusional enough to think something like that exists.
I always wondered why you couldn't keep the same group of friends for more than a short period of time, and then I realized why. It's your fear of commitment. You are afraid to commit to anything because if you do and then break that commitment, you consider it a sin... or atleast an awefull deed.
It's very sad that you do this. I tried to help you realize this, but no matter what you did, you continued to push yourself away from those who love you. I mean, you've lost all respect from everyone that was around you. The people that work with you have little to no respect for you because of how you treated me and how you act at work, your old friends have little to no respect for you because of how you treated me and them, my friends have NO respect for you because of how you treated me, and some of your family looks down on you because of how you treated me (your brothers).
I didn't understand why your parents didn't like me for the longest time, but I've known for a while now. You told them lies about me to make yourself look like the victim when all you ever did was cheat and lie to me.
Sure, some of it was my fault, but for your own dignity, take some of the blame. Yes, it was both our faults, but who was the one who never forgave? Who was the one who would bring up one to two situations while the other remained quiet about over a dozen?
So, before you call me immature, take a look at everything you've done to me. Hell, besides lieng and cheating you always made me feel like shit by putting me down. If that's not immature, then I don't know what is.
I do want to keep in touch with you though. I love you just like I did and that won't ever go away. I just hope you grow out of middle school sometime and realize what you had.
I'll keep in touch with you from time to time. Love ya bunches,
Ryan.
P.S. When I went up to Kansas, I met some of the most morally outstanding people who like to hang out and have a good time. I also met this girl named Abby, she's super cool and we hit it off pretty well. We just sat around a fire and talked, but it was great. She's a great person who's got a steady set of morals and is very pretty to boot.
She still thinks I give a shit I guess.
