There's a certain concept in game reviewing that people don't seem to grasp. In order to review a game, you're going to do a lot more than the five minutes it takes to write down your thoughts about a certain title, grab some footage, and record yourself. You're going to need a personality, almost like a character on a TV to some degree. You're going to have to carry some sort of uniqueness that tells the viewer that you know what you're talking about, and when you open your mouth it's time to listen. With that being said, you're review didn't carry any of that.
What you did have though was a good script. You had some pretty funny one liners in there, but ultimately they just didn't come out right, leaving them unheard to someone not paying attention. You also didn't seem to care about the game you were reviewing. Remember: Even though you're at a school function, you can still have some say in the games you review. If you're having trouble, simply make a list of your favorite video games, cross out the ones with an M rating, and you'll have your review line-up for months to come. During the review choice period, grab as many games a possible.
As far as the presentation aspect in concerned, you have the technology to make a great show, but you're lacking in some other areas. The only thing I can even think of to help this is practice. Do your review once or twice before recording it, and feel free to record it in several parts so that you can do retakes. You should also consider getting some friends to do some of the smaller tasks, such as simple editing, so you can concentrate on doing the show.
You're almost ready to take this a step further, but hold out for a while. A website, longer shows, and maybe even more will all have to wait while you work on the more important things. Remember, have a respectable show before taking the jump into a giant web site.
Let me know if I can help!
