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At A few seconds ago, DeftAndEvil wrote:

Also, the icon and rank, instead of just rank, is cool, although I miss having the straight razor, as I thought that was the coolest icon. I guess I'll have to go back to actually using NG so I don't have a weird barbed boxing glove.

At 1 hour ago, ZeeAk wrote:

At 15 minutes ago, FBIpolux wrote: First post in the Writing forums post-redesign...

I'm not gonna lie; I'm a huge fan of the redesign. Though I did see your post in one of the General forums, and a Writer aurea would be awesome, even though demand is probably very, very limited.

Eh, the scheme is too brown and yellow. I prefer black and yellow trim.

I wonder when the fabled lit portal will come out.

I'm still on the fence about the Lit Portal idea. At this stage, I think the Forum is a perfect fit, because it'd be the slowest of the Portals, and it would become inundated with writing that's sub-par, as well as being far more difficult, and more time-consuming, to discover the better pieces

I think the current standing Writing Forum army is enough to stave off such a flood of poor and tasteless entries long enough for newbies to become acquainted with what we do and get them into the sensibility that the Writing section has way different (and way better) standards than the rest of NG.

There has been so much activity on the Writing Forum lately; makes me think about what it will be like in the future. There has been more activity these last 3 days than there was for all of January.

I like it.

(Although, we need more reviewers with deeper criticisms.)

A swell voice-driven narrative. I found the speaker's rambling and annoying expression very bemusing and comedic, and almost philosophical.

At 2/4/12 12:57 AM, Sectus wrote: The old man resting in his chair, in his large mansion, which was sitting on an old, misty hill let out a sigh as he closed the large novel he had been reading for the past few weeks. He rested it back in it's place upon the end table beside his large, poofy red chair in his den. He gripped the sides of his chair as he thought of what there was to do next.

The language is simple in the beginning, which I like, before become too simple and a bit lacking. You want to push the story forward, which becomes evident into the story.

He had always been quite the introvert when it came to talking or sharing things with others, and he didn't have quite the career that had been expected of him when he was a young lad. He had always aspired to be a writer when he grew up, so that is what he had done, despite the many criticisms from his parents and other loved ones, who said he could be so much more than someone who "signs books in a dusty old library." He having felt insulting by these accusations, attempted to ignore them to the best of his ability.

If he was an introvert, why were people shocked that he wanted to be a writer? Careful with the logic. Also, watch the language: "he having...ability" is a very awkward sentence. Not only that, but mind the sentence structure; it should be "he, having," because the first part is read in one go, and the next comma just cuts it up bad.

He was used to this treatment however. All throughout his life he had been underestimated and criticized by people, and sometimes it would seem to him that the only joys in life were proving people wrong, writing books, and reading books written by other authors he deemed "worthy" of a reading.

Again, the language needs to be direct and powerful. You are on a tight leash with a short short story, so each sentence has to count. The last sentence is too long and filled with unnecessary phrasing (e.g.: "All throughout his life,""sometimes it would seem,""reading books...'worthy' of a reading"). These sentences can be cleaned up.

The old man sighed, abruptly shaking himself away from this recollection of his past, which he typically, and obviously, never had really enjoyed. When he was younger he had always considered himself an "adult trapped in a boy's body." He was always far superior to his collegues in both intelligence, and common sense, but whenever he tried to show this feature to those around him, they rejected him because they didn't like him being superior.

Now here's a problem. The old man is the hero, but he is painted as a condescending miser. Why would people like someone who shows off as "superior?"

Again--the language. Take the first sentence: if it is obvious, you don't need to say it. I think you are too redundant. E.g.: "He was always superior...they didn't like him being superior."

Mulling this thought over in his head seemed troubling to the old man, as his hand was rather shaky as he reached over, grabbing his drink from the end table. He took a sip of the sparkling liquid. Ah, water... He thought to himself as he drank the cool, refreshing beverage. He had never been one to drink anything much other than water. The only other drink he would tolerate was a glass of ice cold milk once a week as a nice treat for finishing reading or writing his newest piece.

A bit better. Now, however, you should work on your presentation and voice. It is not forceful and lacks drive. "His hand was rather shaky" should be "his hand was shaky."

As the man enjoyed his water however, he came to a sudden realization of coldness, not from the water, but it seemed to be coming from inside of him. The cold had felt almost unnatural to the old man. He nervously set his drink down, and looked around, noticing that his eyelids were becoming rather heavy. Suddenly, as his head was rather dizzy, one clear thought broke through. Death. That is what it was...death. It was his time to go, and he hadn't even realized it until now.

Again, watch the redundancies. You tell us why he was cold, so there is no reason to tell us why he wasn't. Remove the words "seemed,""almost, and "rather." I don't like the ellipsis; the thoughts are cold, sudden, and grave, hardly a time for a dot dot dot. I like the one-word sentence, however.

The man had always been not scared, but rather curious to see what death would be like. It was a concept that had interested him from the time he first knew what it was, and as he blinked, his eyes becoming bleary, he remembered something he had long forgotton that he had said to a woman in his sitting room when he was younger. "I don't really fear death as much as I do find it interesting. I see it merely as another great adventure to be experienced by those of us who are wise and brave enough." He though hard on this, and smiled softly. He had lived a long, full life. He had fell in love with a beautiful wife, and had three children with her, and now he was going to see them all again.

An interesting revelation, but it is too sudden, and rushed. I also don't find it realistic; also, it just shows how the old man is condescending. Why did the woman marry such a man? Also, the last sentence is the most important in the entire piece, and it is hidden and kinda casual. More emotion please.

He let out one final sigh of relief, accepting the fact that it was his time. As the light began to fade, the room seeming to move away from him, as if he were walking backwards down a long, dark tunnel, the last thought that went through his mind as the cold wrapped him up was this:

A somewhat cliched picture of death. This is was your last chance to tell us why we should care about this old man. You told me he is sad and lonely, but never developed any true pathos. Also, the first sentence here contradicts the following paragraph.

If only...if only I had time to write that one last paragraph...

And then he was gone.

I don't like the ending. The last sentence ruins what we already know, and I think deleting it would give a better effect (also watch the use of ellipsis). Honestly, I think you have a misguided sense that writing about death will qualified as--well, quality. But it doesn't. You need to inject emotion and also some rhetoric and give the reader a reason to care, and engage him and move him. Death is grave and changes everything; but here, it's just an afterthought (which clashes against the theme that death is a mystery worth exploring).

I hope you take what I've pointed out and work on it. Work on your language (voice, description,) and characterization.

At 2/5/12 12:10 AM, Udoch wrote: This epigram is from the point of view of a murderer from the Italian renaissance...

An epigram is short (or at least concise in language) and very clever or witty but also sharp and incisive. The stanzas were incredibly short and offered in a very stilted and indirect manner (so as to keep the rhyme scheme). The only suggestions I can give are that you get to the point quickly, don't worry about rhyme (make sure you do worry about meter) and use better language without becoming florid.

Lit Portal plz

At 2/4/12 12:39 PM, BrockManson wrote: ...

There's nothing about that I didn't like.

At 2/3/12 11:00 PM, Udoch wrote: Please conjugate the word troll. Then use these forms in a haiku.

Why would you burn yourself like that, son?

If you are too focused on death, you aren't thinking enough about life--a simple truth. Those poems are about death personified, and although they are about death and beauty, they aren't about death and beauty (let's not argue semantics). Don't think that simply writing about death is deep or thoughtful.

At 2/1/12 04:00 PM, MythMonster wrote: Every second, every breath was a small triumph, her entire existence collapsing into these insignificant instants of cheated death.

Death has nothing to do with beauty; you want to get away from this f. That's life, which makes life worth living. I think you're too saccharine, my dear chum.

At 2/1/12 03:34 PM, MythMonster wrote: No matter what

Cliched title for hackneyed poetry. You're not gonna win any fans, ya know.

I know that I should try to believe
All that I'm thinking is of you

Watch the phrasing.

You don't even know it, should you care
Forever means nothing if you don't mean the words

Watch the esotericism.

Just nothing more I think I can do
I try to tell you I love you
But you can't stop to listen
Then I guess when I'm gone I'm not the one your missing

Dude, I don't want to trample over your heart, but this is pretty lame. It sounds like a typical trashy country song.

Just take a minute and look in my eyes
Forget the world forget the pain

Focus. What pain? What is going on? This is just a bunch of scrambled thoughts forced to sound romantic. Keep it straight and keep it simple lest you become convoluted.

Just think of me and how you really feel
It kills me not to know what your thinking
When you're all thats in my mind
Maybe I'm wrong and your pretending you care

But then why do you act so caring

Now you are just making the speaker (i.e. you) seem like a dull sap. You want your reader not only to sympathize (develop pathos for you. We can all sympathize with heartbreak, but no one wants to sympathize with being a wretch/wimp).

I'd ratherbe hurt than not knowing what you say is real
Whatever you say one thing will be true
Nothing in this world could keep me from loving you

Cliched ending.

Ok. I don't doubt that you were being sincere during this poem, but I've seen at least several million like this. I'm not necessarily telling you to be wildly original, but I'm asking that you present your thoughts in a more stately manner and make the reader care.

... but then again, this is almost impossible in such a stale genre.

Peace.

At 2/2/12 12:20 AM, Hancack wrote: I just wrote a love poem. I think it's an average poem. I'm not really artistic, so I wanted some feedback from you guys.

MY OLD DOG: A LOVE STORY
I see my ex-friend with my old dog
Shiny coat, 8 nipples, with nicely manicured paws, she's off the leash, he's breaking laws
He turns around for a sec, and like a disobedient pet, she runs away and goes to play
She comes to me and goes on her hind legs, and she starts to beg,
"Take me back! I truly miss you!
I'm sorry for things I did! It is only you that I truly pursue!"

Well, you told us it's not realistic, so I associated that with lack of quality. The poem is so nonsensical and petty, that I wonder why you would want feedback. The only real feedback I can give you is that if you're serious about writing, put in more effort. I just took this poem with a grain of salt and assumed that it was silly for the sake of being silly (and contemptuous).

For example, take the spoken dialogue: no one speaks like that. You should read dialogue before you post/publish to make sure it makes sense/realistic.

I tell her, " I was faithful which can't be said vice-versa.
You were like a lady of the night in olden Tulsa.
Now your with my best friend? I see you really loving the crew.
If you didn't realize it by now, me + you = never again, cuz B_____ we're through!"

See what I mean? There's nothing here worthy more than a cheap chuckle (and that's being generous).

She goes back on all fours and all I hear are barks.
I just realized how much time I wasted, so to my original destination, I embark.

You are also trying too hard to rhyme. The inversion here is unnatural and awkward.

What he had is gone, our names crossed from the Soul Mate's Tome
That word for us is defunct, no matter how frequent is was long ago

I don't think you've proofread this poem.

Our relationship is like a quote from Edgar Allan Poe,
"Nevermore"!

Again, no substance. What were we supposed to take away from that, other than your girlfriend was a bitch for cheating on you? Relate to the reader and engage him. The extended analogy was good, but it was so blatant, that I didn't really care.

At 1/30/12 10:36 AM, Coop wrote:

I think that with the core of solid writiers that we're developing now, we may need to look at relaunching the Monthly Writing Contests. We need some inspiration, a good committed panel of judges and some ways of getting publicity for it.

Any ideas?

I think the main problem with the MWC is the lack of appeal. Most of the stories in the MWCs come from people I've never seen before and never have seen again; many of them go in with a "why-not?" attitude. We should get more people to be more serious about it, as well as offer a sort of workshop for writers.

Also, I think the MWCs should be very prompt. They start on the first and end on the last day of the month. Results should be in within two days of the results closing. Judges should be judging the stories as they come along and provide grades to each entry so the results can be posted almost immediately. Writers could then solicit reviews from the judges.

At 1/31/12 04:22 PM, Deathcon7 wrote:

While I'm sure my absence may have went unnoticed, and, as stated, I won't be so arrogant as to believe it hasn't, this apology is owed, and I link to it here so that it can remain immediately prominent on my profile. I apologize if this is melodramatic, or maudlin, but it'll bug me otherwise if I simply ignore it. Thank you for your patience.

Nope, I'm pretty sure most of the regulars noticed. Thankfully ZeeAk, Brian, Coop, and Ekublai check in from time to time. I was wondering where your story was; I was looking forward to it. There seems to be an intermittent flow of people trying to whore out their scripts (but they leave forever when they realize that this isn't the place for that) and people who post one-and-done. There were some people who actually bothered to post in other threads besides their own, but they're gone too.

At 1/31/12 10:52 PM, EKublai wrote:
"Give and take" is what Newgrounds is all about. Even after a decade and more, Newgrounds is still ahead of the times. Not only does it blur the line between creator and consumer more intimately than other sites but it has Tom's face, a human face, at its storefront. To be a member of Newgrounds you need an identity and when you interact with others on here, you exchange identities as well as ideas. Hopefully, that's the direction the writing forum and the lit portal will take.

Yeah, I guess. I honestly could give a fuck (I don't) about NG. I really only care about the Writing Forum and have an underlying contempt towards General and people from FanFiction. I want the NG Writing Forum to be a place that fosters nascent writers and cultivates experienced writers. I think we all know that with the sudden surge in popularity from the Lit Portal NG's literary community will see an influx of very poor and tasteless prose and poetry. I'm pretty sure the current community of Writing Forum could wane such a result.

Writing Forum FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!

This is a forum for writers, not animators. We can't help you.

Maybe, maybe, an animator might come in looking for original scripts.

Very interesting character sketch. I love how you focus deeply into each minute detail and provide the reader with a sense of appreciation and gratefulness. Also, I thought you did a sweet job on the voice. I thought it was a bit whiny, but it flows and swells pretty nice.

At 1/26/12 06:24 PM, FairSquare wrote:

Well, you are probably right. Which is why i'm no writer. I had no intention of writing a brilliant little story, just felt like writing something dark and i didn't put much effort in this.

That's not a good excuse >.> You should put maximum effort in each piece of writing, or else you should just stick to General. I realize that each piece can't be great, but you gotta try, or at least tell us that this was just a minimal effort.

Nevertheless, thanks for the critique. If i ever decide to write about suicide again, i'll be sure to keep it in mind :p

It's not just about suicide narratives >.> This can easily apply to any form of literature/writing.

This is too cliched of a typical suicide narrative. I see that you tried to develop pathos, but the whole point is that we want the character to live, but by the end, I couldn't care if he did. The reason being is that the character is too pathetic and simplistic. It seems that every sentiment expressed is dedicated to some misguided sense that writing about suicide = depth, emotion, and quality. Even the advice given to him is hackneyed and empty, but I think it works in this case. Too much "woe is me" and not enough "this is why you should care."

The thing is, this is too cliched and soulless. I've seen many poems about suicide on NG (this is the first story I've seen), and they have the very same flaws and shared the same criticisms. Make sure that your character is rounded out and that your premise is somewhat original. If not, at least try to captivate the reader. Every story/movie about suicide focuses on the cars below and the people who go on with their lives despite the situation. You could use original imagery or focus/zoom on small things that show why this event is critical. Also, the ending was cliched as well; he dies, and is no more.

Solid effort. However, the villains, especially Mina and FB are too one-dimensional. Careful that this does not become a melodrama.

No one is evil, or enjoys killing people, for no reason, even crazy serial killers. I assume that this is not the very beginning, but it is important to show us why these guys are villains and what they are fighting for. As far as I'm concerned, Johnson has ulterior motives, FB just likes chaos, and Mina has a bit of penis envy.

The dialogue was pretty good: straight, no BS, fast, and advances the plot.

At 1/23/12 09:14 AM, therealanimator wrote:

There has been one book that was successful with the diary format and that was house of leaves.

I was unaware that Frankenstein and Dracula were failures. Anyway, just because one book did it with gimmicks doesn't mean you should too.

At 1/22/12 12:57 AM, TrevorW wrote: Father figure: "Would you care for some eggs son?"...

A very surreal, and oddly brilliant dialogue.

This is the Writing Forum, not the write-a-rap-and-post-it-on-youtube forum.

Well, there is Frankenstein and Dracula. I don't really think that writing an entire novel in a diary format will be a good choice.

I've always liked Tom. He's righteous as hell. I wanted NG to play extreme hardball and blackout from 12:00 am to 11:59 pm and blacked out everything, including the forums and portals. Still, I think he got his point across.

Well, the only advice I can give you is for you to ask yourself if you really want to write a novel. It will take a long time and lots of effort and it's better to write a short story or a novella rather than try to write a 200 page epic and give up halfway through.

What?

At 1/17/12 09:16 PM, squishywilleatursoul wrote: (this is how i texted it to people(except more detailed :3) xP

This is an ambiguous statement. Normally, I'd take it that this is the more detailed version, but I have my doubts after reading the first few sentences. This isn't a juvenile chat room. It is a piece of fiction, but I think you might be in the wrong forum.

it was kinda formatted like a movie.. weird enough...)

This is in no way formatted like a movie.

Anyway, proofread and put some more effort into the works you post.

A contest. I like it; it seems fair.

Anyway, here is what I came up with for the first two levels you provided. It uses a very simple aabb, 8/8/8/8 scheme.

"Green Village"

There's a village so very green,
Filled with things so very mean,
This stage is the initial test,
So slide and jump above the rest!

"Creepy Cave"

This creepy cave that is so dark,
Try to run for the farthest mark,
Remember always: jump and slide,
Maybe then, you can get outside!

At 1/15/12 04:43 PM, Anture wrote:
Am I to post the full first script? Logic told me that it was better to just post excerpts instead of full scripts, as it'd give a taste with little to read, where anyone genuinely interested could have it emailed to them after contacting me.

Well, you'd have to post the best parts. I realize that not all of NG's scripts are great or even good, but if you want to get picked up, you have to find a balance between comedy and quality. There's no substance to what you posted. At the very least, you could give character bios or a summary.

Also, you have to realize that the Writing Forum is a place for writers, not animators. Once in a while an animator comes in, usually looking for collaboration or to have someone write a specific script (I think it's called a "shooting script." For example, a guy came in looking for someone to write a script about Halo). Not very often do we get animators looking for original material.

Finally, the Writing Forum is the slowest of all the main forums, so you have to wait more than a couple of hours before you bump your thread.

At 1/15/12 04:36 PM, Punisher33 wrote:

i do also, which is why i'm putting periods and commas at the end of every sentences. It's hard to keep up sometimes. i wish i had a better school life i would not be doing this now. but i'm here now and gonna make the best of it.

I'm glad you are trying to change. Remember, capitalize the first letter in each sentence. The subject "I" is always capitalized as well. Also, it is important to have clear sentences. Each one has a subject and a predicate (basically a verb and everything else). If a thought has a subject and a predicate, it is its own sentence. Also, be careful with comma splices (don't combine two sentences that can be sentences by themselves with a comma). Follow these rules, and you're golden.

Finally, I recommend reading "classic" literature instead of Dragon Ball Z. You can start anywhere. Twain is always a good start.