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Thanks! I'll try to post the entire chapter after I've finished editing

At 6/19/13 05:29 PM, Spedmallet wrote:

At 6/15/13 10:46 AM, CanadianHoneybadger wrote: story

Alright, I'll give it my best shot with the errors.

As Alec approached his mentor he noticed something was not quite right "Wolfgang, what's with all the bodies?" Alec asked incredulously.

It's a matter of my opinion, but the word incredulously not only stands out in a bad way, but also seems to be redundant detail. A reader will automatically assume when someone asks "What's with all the bodies?" that's he's not exactly smiling about it.

On a side note, if he IS smiling about it, that's when you use the description.

"Don't worry Alec I didn't hurt them, they're still breathing!"
"You know what forget I asked, I don't want to know." Alec frowned as he eyed the numerous bodies piled up in the street.
"Alec" Wolfgang began, a vein throbbing on his forehead.
"What?" Alec asked still smiling and rubbing the back of his head slyly.

Lots and lots of redundancies/mistakes. Especially the line with the "Forget I asked", because you followed it with a description of Alec instead of "Said Alec."
Here's how I'd have done it.

"Don't worry Alec, I didn't hurt them. They're still breathing." (No quotation mark)
Alec frowned, looking at the bodies piled up along the street, staring at each individual one after another. He remained silent for a moment. "You know what Wolfgang, forget it. Forget I asked in the first place. I don't even want to know." He said. Alec faced Wolfgang and stared intently for a moment. (I put more strain in Alec's reaction, and started off with the description)
"Yeah?" (No mannerisms. No need to specify it's wolfgang.)

What stood out wrong in your descriptions is that they're quite, for lack of a better term, animeish. Vein throbbing on his forehead, rubbing the back of his head, etc. Avoid this at all costs. Writing is more serious then anime; you don't want to portray this Alec fellow as some sort of comic relief, overly angry police chief.

That's all I got for now, keep up the work man.

hah thanks! I can see what you mean about the better descriptions and that thing you wrote was hella better than mine, way more succinct and still got the points across! though this is an old story I should work on that. and if I'm going to post more you're gonna not like the redundancy in a lot of words XD

as for the anime style of writing I can see what you mean about it being serious, but I actually like keeping an almost anime like tone, because I well... Like anime! and I also try to keep my stories light hearted because writing something serious with humour gets boring for me, and the anime like expressions for me are an easy way to convey it, now the question is, is the anime style humour better or worse then the original copy that had my characters sound like animal from the amount of growling, snarling and animal expressions in there

I blame Warriors and Naruto for that... and I am gonna post more, if you guys are interested I know a single scene doesn't have much context but it was on short notice spur of the moment thing and this was the best rough draft I had. so there probably will be a drop in quality because I wrote this (and i still have this issue) when I didn't know how to describe something succinctly, we're talking pages of fight scenes so if I post more it'll take a while\

And I just saw the programming errors that are in here, WTF word!? eugh sorry guys just try to ignore them, they weren't there when I originally posted and this sort of sh%t doesn't get fixed easily.

Heya, it's been ages since I last posted here, the first and last time I did, I was 12 and couldn't write for shit. I posted something I had written in 10 minutes and didn't edit and expected praise. Now I am a lot more confident in my writing, I've had several years lurking around fanfiction (which isn't much in terms of high quality writing I know) and have gotten progressively better at writing over the years. Now I want to post some samples and get some feedback because the people over at fanfiction will praise anything... My most reviewed story is so bad and out of character I want to kill myself whenever someone reviews it positively.

tl;dr I posted shitty stuff here before and am now better
so now i want to post some of my higher quality stuff here and see what you guys think since you actually will say something is shit if it is. Ciao~

As Alec approached his mentor he noticed something was not quite right "WolfgangâEU¦what theâEU¦what's with all the bodies?" Alec asked incredulously.
"Don't worry Alec I didn't hurt themâEU¦ muchâEU¦ they're still breathing!"
"You know what forget I asked, I don't want to know." Alec frowned as he eyed the numerous bodies piled up in the street.
"AlecâEU¦" Wolfgang began, a vein throbbing on his forehead.
"What?" Alec asked still smiling and rubbing the back of his head slyly.
"You stopped to scam a fortune tellerâEU¦in low-townâEU¦ in the TUSKAN low-town! You know how dangerous it is here?!"
"Yeah but lookâEU¦" he said holding up the small brown purse filled with gold. " I mean when you look at it at from this angleâEU¦" At this point he threw the pouch in the air toward Wolfgang without skipping a beat, "It isn't so badâEU¦ I stopped to scam an old hag who thought she'd be better at scamming poor innocent morons, and you know how I hate competition."
Wolfgang paused as he considered the pouch filled with gold in his handsâEU¦ True it did earn them enough money to buy some shiny, new equipment. Plus that pouch of coins was getting him closer to that expensive high quality claymore he neededâEU¦
On the outside however he was still as stoic and stubborn as usual.
"Fine but I expect YOU to pick-up the all the finery from these unfortunate Cut-throats." He said crossing his arms and nodding towards the rabble.
"Aw c'mon Wolfgang!" Alec began knowing there was only one way this argument would end.
A stare was all that was needed for Alec to groan and start looking through their pockets for money and trinkets.

Before you ask there isn't any context to the story, I tried to pick a scene which didn't really need anything more than a quick sentence in summary.
Basically its a segment in which the reader is introduced to the main characters of the story, Alec is young only 16, while Wolfgang is the older mentor who reigns in Alec's occasional diversion from their goal. at the time I was reading Deltora quest and the relationship between Barda and Lief inspired me. This is a really old story I was planning on trying to publish legitimately but lost enthusiasm for it.
Still not to happy with it, if I do pick up the story again at some time I want to rewrite to be more context sensitive as you can hear that the characters don't talk like fantasy characters should.
Also Alec still feels Gary sue-ish to me. Let me know what you guys think, I got a good ways further into the story but this was the cleanest part of the story that made sense to post.