The publisher of the onion, Herman T Zweibel wrote...

Yes, I know Uncle Sam, know him very well. He's a god-damn rat bastard scoundrel, and if I ever lay eyes on him again I'll stab him in the throat. It is I who deserves to be the emblem of our great Republic, not that foppish pansy, putting on airs with his starred waist-coat and his red-striped pantaloons and the like.

He once tried to run me over with his carriage as I crossed Atwater Street on my way to the Onion offices. I barely escaped with my life, and, to top it off, the wheels of his carriage sprayed mud all over my brand-new patent-leather spats.

It was obvious retribution for my criticism of him in the pages of The Onion. I said that Uncle Sam was more interested in getting his likeness on the political cartoons and mechanical banks than doing the job he was chosen to do, and that he shamelessly swathes himself in the red, white and blue as though he had created it himself.

My father, Herman Ulysses Zweibel, didn't trust him, either. In fact, back in 1854, he advocated Shot-Gun Lucretia over Uncle Sam as the official mascot of the Republic. She was a seven-foot-tall, 480-pound frontierswoman from the Utah Territory who could shoot and drink like a man and bend nails with her tongue. She roamed the land with a magical yellow peccary and once shot a man for breathing. Pater felt she was a far more worthy and suitable choice to symbolize American tenacity and derring-do than that spangled jackanape. Unfortunately, she succumbed to the typhus, and Uncle Sam was selected instead.

The last I heard, Uncle Sam was lending his image to a recruitment poster, in which he jabs his index finger at the reader and demands that they enlist in the U.S. Army. It is just like that indiscriminate fool: Just anyone cannot join the Army. It will take men of strong character and discipline to hunt down the cunning Pancho Villa!

He makes me so mad, I wish I could pull his beard. Would that there could be a recall election: I would gladly challenge him for the role of American icon, and you can be sure that, if victorious, I wouldn't strut around like a dandified homo-sexual pigeon with no shame.

www.onion.com

after i stumbled across this site yesterday, i 'surfed' on it and found something out. So far, 'NG' makes me want to vomit! of course, i can't vomit, seeing as i haven't eaten in seven months, but i'm using metaphorically, you dumb bastards!

wait, wait, i just urinated! i haven't urinated in months! nurse, nurse! come here you oaf! put the catheter back in, you idiot! i'm urinating! damn you, it's all over me now, you oaf!!!! where were you, you bastard! what, eating? in my house???!!! you slut! get out of my room, out of my room.

now i must write her out of my will for her stupidity. that's what i get for ordering my nurse from some country called 'Oregon'
anyways, where was i? oh yes, you are all sick bastards!

everybody says to-day is a good day, for it is my birth-day. but for me, on my 110th birthday, it is my sad-day.

nurse! get back in here! my liver hurts!

where was i? oh yes, now i remember. i am 110 and my memory is fading. many people think, how can i be sad when i have millions of dollars! well, i don't know where i put my money. i forgot. i think i put it under my mattress, hold on.........no, it's not there.

nurse! that tube in my penis fell out again!

oh, there is a tube in my penis. i can no longer walk to the bathroom for my bones are much to brittle, so i pee in a tube. sometimes i pee blood. i am a virgin, too.
Well, i think i had sex yesterday. my nurse was re-inserting that tube into my penis, and it suddenly became erect! the nurse then brushed against it and stabbed the penis-tube into me. amidst the pain and agony, i think i had sex!

nurse! you wretched bastard! where are you?

where was i? oh, i haven't eaten in seven months, either. the slop that my nurse cooks me, i'd rather eat horse droppings! know i'm hungry.

nurse! you bastard! what took you so long? what, a bathroom break? i don't give a damn! your not allowed to use the bathroom. i'm posting my birthday writings on my site.

wait, this isn't my site. where the hell am i. wait, let me check.

well, i must inform you readers that i have stumbled upon the garbage of the internet. i surfed along the 'movies' on this site, and found the word 'ass' used two thousand, six hundred and eighty two times. what a wretched world.

oh, i think i just had sex again!

-22 bottles of shit on the wall
-22 bottles of shit on the wall
take one down, pass it around
-22 bottles of shit on the wall

how did all this start? i feel sad i missed out on it

dildo

At 5/14/01 01:55 AM, bizwatch wrote:

At 5/14/01 01:52 AM, bootboydekker wrote: poon tang. just wanted to say it. it's fun to say. poon tang. hehe. try it yourself.

POOOOOOON-TANG

fun isn't it?

poon tang. just wanted to say it. it's fun to say. poon tang. hehe. try it yourself.

here's the list:

A: you try to hard to fit in. you are a person with a lot of friends, but you're not as happy as you want to be. stop trying so hard.

B: sometimes you feel like an outcast. you don't have to many friends and you are made fun of a lot. keep your head held high and keep working at your goals.

C: You don't realize how important you are. you have lot's of talent but a low self esteem. In general your a good person, but your social skills could be better.

D: Pretty much like C, but you are more generally like. You are a bit to shy, though.

E: You are very smart but not appreciated by your peers. You are not afraid of what people say of you, though sometimes their words do hurt, but your smarts will pay off.

F: You are the class clown. everybody likes you, but sometimes you wonder if they are your real friends. study harder and work harder, though your sense of humor and heart are in the right place, they won't get you too far.

G: You want to fit in better. you'd like to be popular, but are stuck in a low social status. don't worry, though, just get that self esteem up.

H: You are also a comedian, but not many people get your sense of humor. you have lot's of friends to, and in general you are fairly happy.

I: Like E, you are very intelligent. but you think i bit to highly of yourself. stop being such a snob! there is no I in team!
(get it?hahahaha)

J: you are unique. girls/boys like you because of your mysteriousness. stay in shape though, don't let yourself go!

K: Your a bit of a cruel person. you judge people a bit to quickly by the cover. there is lot's of talk behind your back and you know it, but don't want to admit it. cool down! enjoy life.

L: sometimes you feel small and un-important. don't worry though, you are fairly popular and attractive. but your self esteem sufferes easily.

M and N: both of you are alike. you both appreciate art, and have a good sense of humor. but don't forget to be kind, pay attention to the little people. they enjoy your presence.

O: you are a very popular person. people like to be around you. don't get cruel though, because you will go far places.

P: Another comedian. your peers enjoy you, you are good company.

I'LL FINISH THE LIST LATER. SORRY I TOOK SO LONG.

At 5/13/01 07:25 PM, bootboydekker wrote: if you read the unabridged version of the book you'd know what it's about. ACO kicks ass! okay....

what i meant to say is if you read the unabridged book you'd know why it's called ACO. i'm a spaz. a clockwork orange is a term for someone who can't think for himself or make his own moral choices, like he's a machine of some sort. like our droggie and humble narrator alex.

if you haven't seen it, read it. biznatch.

if you read the unabridged version of the book you'd know what it's about. ACO kicks ass! okay....

Yeah this December will mark it's 30th Anniversary.

oh yea, never even though of that. happy birthday.sort of.

a clockwork orange is a cool movie. one of my favorites. yup. it sure is.

Pick your favorite letter from the alphabet and it says a lot about you. my girlfriend just gave me the book that says so! mine says i am intelligent, but like to keep to myself. i don't conform, but i love to have people by my sides at all time. it goes on and on and on. i picked Q. what would you pick?

At 4/10/01 10:48 PM, Dolomite wrote:

At 4/10/01 10:19 PM, Wall wrote: Why am I suddenly getting this pop up whenever I enter a new page on New Grounds?

Hi!

Hi! blablabla

it must be tom or something

i know this isn't that important, but someone should email tom with it labeled urgent, he'll reply unless he did it in the first place, god this is annoying.

grrrrrrrrrr....

At 4/10/01 10:27 PM, bomb wrote: State your unfounded and unbelieveable reasons why the thing keeps on saying "hi" here:

1: It's a virus for all NG users.
2: It's an attempt by Tom, Wade and Ross to alienate the NG viewers so they'll come less, freeing up bandwidth.

those sound right to me. or:

Someone hacked onto the site and did it

Ross or Tom or someone is just having some fun

Or someone is getting revenge? god this is annoying

At 4/10/01 10:19 PM, Wall wrote: Why am I suddenly getting this pop up whenever I enter a new page on New Grounds?

same here and it's fucking pissing me off, what gives yo?

sterile and white rabbit have it right. most of the 'old' stuff you named wouldn't be considered old. by definition, old punk would be more like ramones, patti smith, gg allin, sex pistols, blondie, dead boys, clash, and other stuff, i'd name more but i'm to tired.

anyways, there is no way to tell which is better. these days there is a lot of underground stuff that sounds just like the old stuff, eg ducky boys and stuff, yea. anyways, that's what i got to say. there is no better punk, even though, truthfully, i do prefer the old punk, but that's just me.

At 4/1/01 11:34 PM, Shrapnel wrote:

At 4/1/01 10:07 PM, bootboydekker wrote:

You're having trouble because the game runs really fast on your computer- and KaneofNod mentioned in another post that the Flash 5 plugin makes things run faster.
If you don't want to "cheat", try aiming near the pile of bodies where he raises dead kids from to get them as they come out....

If you want to slow-down the game, run some memory hogging program in the background like Setiathome.

thank you very much. we may now return to our regular scheduled programming

Why does everyone think Pico 2 is harder than Pico 1? The only reason you guys cant beat 2 is because you havent played it in a long time.

i couldn't beat pico 1 in the first place. pico 2 is the same with different lines. how do you beat that part with alucard?

i'm retarded. i can't beat pico, i can't get past alucard. i suck. how do you beat him? can you? is it possible? i'm stupid.

At 3/27/01 01:23 AM, OutcastedMisfit wrote: I voted "0" on all four of the Olga movies, now settle down, settl.. I SAID DETTLE DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

taking deep, calm breaths.........

how do you get sig pics? where? help me........

ON THE PAST TWO DAYS I HAVE SEEN THREE MOVIES STOLEN FROM OTHER PLACES ON THE WEB. NOT ONLY IS THIS JUST STUPID, BUT IT MIGHT GET NG'S IN TROUBLE. I DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO SEND IN THESE MOVIES THAT AREN'T THEIRS, BUT THEY DO, AND IT'S PISSING ME OFF!!! CAN'T WE STOP THIS SOMEHOW?

BY THE WAY, THE MOST RECENT ONE IS THE OLGA, OLGA BUYS BACK YARD, AND OLGA AT VET, VOTE THESE OFF AND KILL THE USER! (NOT LITERALLY, THAT IS)

At 3/12/01 12:07 AM, White_Rabbit wrote: I totally agree, and desmond dekker kicks ass!

thanx. desmond dekker does kick ass. i just bought his cd. and he's black. oh no. i'm a race traitor. i should be shot. please kill me now! what will god think??

what if god was a big black guy? now that would be funny! hahahah

...i don't really have much to say. i thought that once i'd start writing brilliant things would come out but they really don't, which is too bad. anyways, what i really wanted to say was something about these posts about white power.

the best advice i can give to anyone is that this guy who will remain un named (whitepride1111, whoops) is just looking for attention. does he really hold racist beliefs? maybe. if he does answering his BBS posts just gives him what he wants and makes him happy so he can stroke his little cock.

in my short life i've found that most people who believe in white power can't back up what they say and hardly stand up for what they believe in face to face. giving people like this kid attention is giving him power. just what he wants. let him be because we'll have the last laugh when he's in hell being butt raped by the fag in denial adolf hitler.

that's all.

did he make a movie with child porn on it? that's fucked up. read my post before, question two may apply to him... not as a threat or anythihng.....

I've been off of newgrounds for a while. here are some things i'd like to say and ask

first of all, who really started the eskimo bob series? was it alan midas or toma?

also, is it just me, or do some people just deserve to die? i mean, oj simpson literally got away with killing two people. justice? what's that?

is anyone going to miss the tromaville syren and delicious series as much as i will?

did i miss anything important this week?

finally, i worked hard on it, but here's a contest! whoever can find the most movies with references to the "ALL YOUR BASE R BELONG TO US' series, will win a little trophie that i send over the internet! amazing!

last, i was in menlo park watching a showing of the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, it was funny, and halfway through the movie, someone held up a card that said ALL YOUR BOSS R BELONG TO US! (if you saw the movie, you'd get it.) has the trend spread all the way down to here (cali) that quick?

At 2/23/01 11:05 PM, adambomb wrote: my penis is huge

you are a god......

i don't get this ARE YOU GUYS GAY thing. why are you doing this?