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At 8/5/12 04:58 PM, gradenator wrote: So I'm totally convinced that these posts are somewhat sophisticated attempts at trolling. There's no way this bladebasher is for real. Everything thing from the terrible angel story to the equally retarded and misspelled critique-bladebashings were all designed to set the writing forum aflame. This attempt is really fucking weird and interesting too.

I especially appreciate what Deathcon and other posters had to bring to the discussion. It's unfortunate that their advice didn't necessarily help the man child it was aimed at.

This is an odd thing to say as the obvious troll-ocolypse that I am, but I actually am trying to incorperate what they are trying to give me into my stories. It is a very slow process, however, trying to take critique I am given, and adjusting it between the balance of "It ruins my story" and "It makes it too solid and unflowing." Which, of course, is very hard to balance. I am trying, however.

It may not sound like it, but I AM listening to the voice of the people. I promise to Everything and his son: I am listening.

I just find pleasure in making people give me ammo to shoot them with. :3

v Levon about to get extremely pissed the hell off. (Noted, I didnt actually draw this one. I do like it, However.) v

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At 8/5/12 03:20 PM, Deathcon7 wrote: Hmm, well I tried. I hope you all the best.

Please try again.

That's what my Yogurt Cup told me.

I wish for you the best of hunting, from the Were-Dracopyre.

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At 8/4/12 04:12 PM, Deathcon7 wrote:

At 8/4/12 12:58 AM, bladebasher wrote: Find me a pry bar. Once you do, Give it to me. After that, We' ll talk.

V Take this... aim it at yourself, and pull the trigger, V

Are you enjoying this? Seems like everyone is telling you something you don't want to hear, yet each time they do you're ready to respond. Are you actually interested in improving? Or are you a masochist?

If you really want to learn to improve your grasp of the craft this forum would happily cobble together advice and direction, just ask. As it stands, however, it seems you're only interested in making snarky remarks toward anyone who bothers to try to provide critique. The flip side to this, it seems everyone is also taking the opportunity to jump down your throat. Given your attitude toward most everyone, I guess there was really no other possible outcome.

Point being: either we help you, or you move on. This thread isn't going to end well for you, as people are only going to continue to get on your case. If you're really interested in becoming a part of this community, you'll be better off trying your hand at a different project, something you're less invested in, and post about that.

I can see how much you adore this project. I wish we could have all given you a more positive review. For my part in this thread, I apologize. I think empathy and gentle direction would have worked a lot better than what you've received so far. But do yourself, and your work a favor, and dial back the attitude. Lets take this opportunity to return this thread to amicable civility.

Damn, I have never seen someone so close to the truth of my nature! I write detailed short stories based on what I like, Not any of you, what I like. This is MY writing, Not yours. I make all of these stories, adding up to be a little over 350,000 letters spent, each letter having it's own emotion... Just so that I can post it and troll people who read it.

Damn, You caught me, I plead guilty.

Yes, Actually. Every weekend after I get a break from my shitty school and my crappy job, I sit down and take time out of MY day to go back and at least try and spitshine, rub and put up new shrubs... just for you people. I am trying, but some corperate assholes, yourself as an example, dont believe that is good enough.

I improve, but I also love harvesting hate and making you people take time out of your day to pay attention to me. It makes me feel accomplished. Yes, I am a masochist, I was ever since I stabbed myself with a pencil, broke it off, started suffering from lead poisoning, and had this thought in my head that I needed to start hurting people for fun. A maso-sadist.

No possible outcome? Guy, Look. You are arguing with me. You are taking time out of your day to encourage me to make you look like an idiot in public! Which, of course, I thank you.

People jumping down my throat gives me the opperitunity to throw up, and cover them in stumach acids. It seems more hurtful after the fact. Therefore, I come out ze victory.

Also, everything you have said has already been said 20 times already. I like people who repeat the same thing over and over again... Shows just how single minded, unsofisticated and ununique their mind is. Like you, for example. Spouting the same thing that's already been said. Therefore, You are one of a billion. The different between you and me? I am standing out. You are one of 20 as of right now. But It'll grow. Soon, I will troll this entire forum!AND I WILL RULE THE GALAXY!!!!

Ahem... So to speak... Either way or another.

Try telling me something I dont know.

In the meanwhile... Enjoy looking at the Curse of Doom.

V Your crappy non-critique copy-paste from what other people has said, My comeback. Dayum! V (I did not make this.)

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At 8/2/12 12:29 AM, starwarsjunkie wrote:

At 8/1/12 04:30 AM, Genesisapple wrote:

Stop abusing ellipses.

Ellipsis abuse. The 21st century's dark secret has remained hidden... until now.

Oops.

Find me a pry bar. Once you do, Give it to me. After that, We' ll talk.

V Take this... aim it at yourself, and pull the trigger, V

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I didnt draw this picture, I bing searched it up, because I was feeling lazy, then I took it and photoshopped it slightly to look a little more how I wanted it to.

You realize that's illegal, right? Copying and modifying someone's artwork without their permission?

Then why the hell are there like 30 different version of this picture side by side in Bing? That wasnt a very well thought out post.

Arrogance is quite an unbecoming quality in a writer, not just because it puts everyone off, but because it prevents that writer from becoming a good writer. If you think you're awesome and won't listen to criticism, you will always put out work as bad as this.

"Arrogance is a rather unbecoming trait of you, Alpha." "Are... YOU... seriously giving ME a lecture about arrogence? Riiight..." - Red Vs Blue, Alpha speaking to the Director.

And it's bad. Really bad. Demonstrably bad. It is cliche, juvenile, and melodramatic, like third rate fan fiction. I'm not saying this to "be a hater" I am telling it to you straight, and I am going to show you textual notes so you will know why it's so bad.

I write the way I want to write. If you got a problem, JUST DONT READ! That is so fucking simple, isnt it?

Another thing you need to know is that it's ok that it's bad. You're learning. If you want to be a writer, first you have to ditch the know-it-all nonsense. If you are serious about wanting to write, turn off the bad anime and read books, and study other writers. Get some books about writing. Research character development, the craft of writing, voice, narrative, plot, etc.

Well yeah, No duh I'm learning. 7 years ago when I was playing WoW, I couldnt even spell 'you', or 'on.' It was only 3 years ago that I picked up grammar which is 500% better than the best typist in cataclysm right now. And you dont know about this, but I spent 2 YEARS on my first story. I changed it so much that I cant even remember what it looked like when I first started it. Enjoy.

What's good about the piece? It's got a lot of energy and you can tell the writer cares about it.

Well that's for sure. I normally dont write unless something catches my eye, and I just absolutely have to make a story about it. I do care about it. That's why I spend my weekends going back and fixing bad spots in my story for people like you to stomp on.

Let's jump into the text, shall we? I am going to skip the first part where you give us a melodramatic summary of what I assume is the story so far.

I'm listening.

We begin:
"One one side of it was a watery, lovely ocean"

Who wants to hear about the sky? Of course there is a fucking sky- No. Actually, It's a floating ass factor that shoots white clouds out and creates a gay elephant that shoots angry monkey noses out of it's tusks.

Ok, stop right here. A watery ocean? Are you serious? Why don't you go on to describe the airy sky or the ricey ricecake or the not-breathing type of dead guy. This text in general is drowning in redundant words and poor descriptors. Lovely? By whose subjective opinion? Where's the voice and whose voice is it? Do you know what voice is, in fiction?

This one, I really cant answer. I didnt read it anyway.

"with a few cracks along the water... as though it were glass..."

Here we have a surreal image with no physical explanation. And the improperly used ellipses seem to indicate the writer wants us to think this is important enough to make us pause to read it. Sure, why not. Along flies a bird [pause plz, this is important]... with no wings and a dog's tail for a head....[pause again!]

if you read the story, You will understand why the water is cracked.

WELL NO SHIT! It's a story about Angels, a spell that can warp entire galaxies into oblivion, Armies with TT-2000 GAUSS MACHINEGUNS! There's even an indestructible perverted monster blob that could destroy EVERYTHING 50000 times over if it had a brain! There is barely such things as physics when this is involved!

:Wters do not build drama with ellipses. In this fiction they are a lazy (and grammatically incorrect) substitute for building drama and rhythm with the text itself. Good writing builds rhythm and tension without tons of nonsensical paragraph breaks and ellipses.

"I AM HERE! I AM WHERE YOU WANT ME! I AM READY!" He shouted at the top of his lungs.

That was to show that he was ready to die, because he found a way to find his lover.

PLEASE LAY OFF THE DIALOGUE IN ALL CAPS. This is pretty much a hard rule in writing fiction. Readers should be able to tell that the character is yelling by what he is saying and the punctuation, not putting it in all caps like an angry forum post. You should never put something in all caps in fiction unless you are representing something in block letters, like a sign that says FOR SALE or WARNING: RADIATION, and even then I'd say you're safest to never use it ever ever ever. And there is no need to follow a sentence like this with a dialogue tag like "he shouted at the top of his lungs," which is a cliche on top of being redundant.

"A Dark, boney winged Angel stepped out of the darkness around the Sanctuary, Looking down at him."

If you cut the bizarrely capitalized Dark out of the sentence, and changed "around" to a specific spot, you might have a passable sentence, congrats. We still have no idea who these characters are or why they are meeting so dramatically in this strange, surreal place. It's like we just flipped the channel to a bad anime.

I capitalize anything that surpases for a name. "A Dark Figure, The Sanctuary of Order, The End, Fate". They are meeting there because that's where the Angels are meant to DIE! Read the entire story.

"Another dark figure, not nearly the same, but slightly similar."

facepalmed when I read this description. Not nearly the same, but approximately similar, though not at all. What the hell does this mean, exactly? How are they alike and how are they not alike? Better yet, just describe them. The only descriptive words we have of these characters are "dark" and that their wings are "bony". Insert an actual description please.

Not nearly the same, meaning it is not a fucking CLONE, but slightly similar, meaning that they had same qualities.

"Levon's eyes widened. He could see... He could see through his own eyes."

He's blind, Fucker!

"She was sitting, crying. Alone. She looked thin, starved. She was clothed in moderate human clothes, or moderate to some extent."

More of that so-called description. Moderate to some extent? What does that mean? I am moderately irritated, or moderately irritated to some extent, by craptastic writing.

This has already been talked about. Read other peoples posts. God, you are quite stupid for a smartass.

"The bases of his wings were twitching as they shot huge squirts of blood into his side of the glass."

Most wings have major blood vessels in them, so of course they would shoot large squirts of blood out of them. I read it, again and again. I found nothing wrong with it... Maybe your brainpan requires an examination.

Really? They shot huge squirts of blood? Please read that line over again, aloud to yourself. I'm going to not say the easy and obvious thing. You can't think of any better way to describe someone bleeding to death?

No shit! He's a fucking demon dog dragon vampire Angel monstrosity born from the clutches of nonexistance! You'd think he'd die! But that's how it gets yee man!

I could tear deeper into every line of this story, but I am just going to leave it for you to sort out.

I bet you could, AnI bet I could bring you to my level. Enjoy being a troll.

Why should we care about these characters?

Because I said so.

Why do they love each other?

It's a long inside story.

Hint: READ!

V Chopping down your crappy critique by the dozens. v

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At 7/30/12 06:32 PM, Tha-Slaya wrote: Not only are you a dick, but you also steal other peoples' work.

Nice.

Oh yes, Jump to conclusions... I love it when people just randomly point and shoot, not even knowing what they are gonna hit.

One person does something = the entire crowd does it.

I didnt draw this picture, I bing searched it up, because I was feeling lazy, then I took it and photoshopped it slightly to look a little more how I wanted it to.

Ask before you slam.

In order to get to the heaven in the skies, first, in the ground of the earth you must lie.

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At 7/30/12 11:15 AM, starwarsjunkie wrote:

At 7/30/12 12:21 AM, bladebasher wrote:

v The new Angel, playing the Siege of Madrigal on a Piano in a forest on Tyradon II v

Actually I think that image is from Angel Beats.... Yep, I just googled "Angel Beats" and look whats on the first page of image results. Don't take other people's artwork and claim it as your own.

I didnt say I drew it, or a friend of a friend of a friend made it, did I? I found a picture I liked and put it where I wanted it. I use Bing to find pictures, when I am feeling too lazy to draw. The exploding middlefinger, the picture of that animal saying 'Everybody chill the fuck out', some bits and bobs in between.

This one, however, was made for my father when he said there's gonna be a Dragon in that new game coming out, and for my life I cant remember what it's called. "(Something) Wars 2". He described it as being a sorta purple dragon skeleton mechanical looking thing. This is as close as I could get. I also wanted to use this drawing to represent the Angel of Guardianship way back when, during the Dark Ages, when he was a Dragon. I call this one the Doom Dragon form.

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I have not posted in a long time, due to work being totally and utterly stupid to the max and my school having fucked up massively, but I just recently introduced a new Angel into existance. Hopefully, this will help me get a slight boost for my story as I continue to progress it. The idea for the new Angel was made by and with someone from Starcraft, alias: DarkAngel.

After talking to her for a while, I desided to make an Angel for her to play as. I chose one that is used every day, and is very important for people to have... Otherwise, we'd all just robots with skin and organs.

Note: We may never see The Arch Angel again after his visit to the Sanctuary of Order.

v The new Angel, playing the Siege of Madrigal on a Piano in a forest on Tyradon II v

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At 7/15/12 05:09 PM, BrianEtrius wrote: Look, if you're looking for a trophy or a pedestal to stanon, you've earned it. If your writing is truly that good you would have been noticed by noa fuckin, and shut up, becau the only way yr writing gets better is thrgh editing, which stems from other im in the face. If he calls you a horse a third time, well, maybe it's time to start shopping for my mom.

That bing sad.......

It reads awesomely. And to clearify, I have not read anyone elses post. This steams from my own opinion. It reads like a bad romantic novel written by Chuck Norris with no sense of grammar. There's agraphs are sexy. Do you have something against longer paragraphs and sentence variety?

Seriously, you're going to need to go back and edit. This is a peice of work.

And what's with the coolness? Because seriously, people are trying to fuck you. If you're going to act like a fucking kickass dude, you're going to find yourself surrounded by ladies really quickly.

Saw the first letter of your post. tl;dr

Saw the second letter of your post. TL;DR

I didnt read the rest.

Ran out of pictures... Yeah...

I am just gonna leave the rest of this with the Code of Angels, that way, I can feel self-saticfied.

When Shadows come to claim out souls, some must rise; the light of old. Names in stone, Spirits of Legends, deeds unknown yet never forgotten. This is the Code of Angels which we must all abide.

Of an Honour within, and a fear without, Remember them well... when in hope, you must doubt.

The Code of Angels: Be Human

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Good morning Newgrounds! It's gonna be a beautiful day-- aw, who am I kidding? It's hot as hell, and humid as hell. I took a shower on monday... IT'S SUNDAY AND I'M STILL NOT DRY! I think I grew MOSS on my ass!

As of right now, I am going to be working on improving my stories, take a break every once in a while and talk to my sexy gal.

Now! I have been thinkin' since last night that I should start preparing for hackers and viruses since my computer is 3-4 years old now. It's quite vulnerable. I found a picture a while ago, and put it next to my porn folder, Which, by the way, is hidden by 30 other folders.

v Heed my advice well. V

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At 7/14/12 09:04 PM, starwarsjunkie wrote:

At 7/14/12 07:55 PM, bladebasher wrote:

I never had it explained to me, However... arent Terminators fallen "Hero's" who were far too valuable to let die, who had the vital body parts put into an Exo-Skeleton? O.O That's what my dad said his dream was like.

That's dreadnoughts. Terminators are just space marines in sweet armor. Dreadnoughts are the near-dead heroes.

I distinctly remember my dad saying Terminator... I guess I will had to correct him. Thanks! :D

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At 7/14/12 07:16 PM, starwarsjunkie wrote:

At 7/14/12 06:21 PM, bladebasher wrote:

Yeah, I try to make it over-dramatic... That's what makes it funny as all-get-out. If you look at it through a "Princess Bride" irony view point, you never view it the same way again. But I guess none of this makes sense to you. Next!

But Princess Bride was funny. It wasn't ironic. It was just plain funny. Your story is neither. If you were going for comedy I completely missed it.

Also, since you won't let go of the Starcraft motiff, lemme just say: Starcraft is Warhammer 40,000 FOR BABIES.

I couldnt agree more. I fuckin' LOVE Warhammer. Mastercheif is 1 10000th of a single Space Marine, let alone a Terminator... Or my personal favourote... the Venerable... That thing is cool as PISS!

No, I wont drop Starcraft II, because it means something to me. The only reason I still sorta stick to it is because the models are cool, and the armor for the Marines are alot smoother... rather than crazy crappy bumpy stuff... Which looks cool on odd occasions.

I never had it explained to me, However... arent Terminators fallen "Hero's" who were far too valuable to let die, who had the vital body parts put into an Exo-Skeleton? O.O That's what my dad said his dream was like.

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At 7/14/12 06:05 PM, starwarsjunkie wrote: First thing I noticed about your post: Way too self congratulatory. If you're gonna ask for advice on something you've written, don't start by saying "Everyone who has read it is hooked." People don't like being told what their opinion should be before they've even read it.

We'll skip the reaction to other people's criticism as Deathcon and mhzinski have covered that pretty well.

On to the actual story!

Okay, I've read up to the part where it says END. You need to edit the crap out of this. At least use spell check. "Tragety", "nessessary", and "nessisary" are not words. Also you have words capitalized randomly, like Jealous and Nothing, both of which are in the middle of a sentence. Don't do that.

Also, go easy on the ellipses. Your writing is what William Shatner's dialogue looks like on paper. Pauses like that are natural (kinda) in speech but they are annoying to read. They don't add drama, just frustration.

Wouldnt is incorrect. You need an apostrophe in there. I'll leave it up to you to figure out where.
It's is a contraction of "it is" or "it has". Only use it when it make sense to replace it with those words.

I know I kinda sound like a grammar nazi right now, but these are elementary school level mistakes.

In the scene with Levon at the Sanctuary, I can't tell who is who. You describe some characters without assigning names to them and then jump into the dialogue. Let the reader know which one is the "massive creature" and which is the "dark, bony winged angel", cuz I can't tell who's supposed to be talking.

Typing in all caps is bad. Just saying "He screamed" is enough. Also the following sentence has an unnecessary comma: "YOU'VE WANTED TO KILL ME, ALL MY LIFE!"

"Nothing stopped, and turns around" Here you've jumped from the past tense to the present. Very confusing.

Describe sounds. Don't put in the onomatopoeia if at all possible. You're not writing a comic book.

"something was different about it, though...?" This is a declarative sentence, not a question. Again, unnecessary comma.

"she was clothed in moderate human clothes." Just what are "moderate" clothes. Did you mean modest?

Okay, the whole scene with Jessica and Levon is so riddled with grammar and spelling errors that I'm just gonna let you sort that out yourself.

"his arm in a cast made by his Admirals Casualwear" I want to know what Admirals Casualwear is, and where I can get some. It sounds like the best clothing brand ever. I imagine its for the Naval officer on his day off.

Putting links in is okay I guess, but if you ever want your story to be taken seriously, you probably shouldn't have links to Youtube videos.

There. I read the whole thing. Can't say I liked it. You need to do some actual characterization and explain what some of your terms mean, such as "Uncreation" and "Admirals Casualwear" (Still can't get over that last one!)

I've practically done most of the work of editing this for you, so you don't have any excuse to not improve upon it! Take it back to the drawing board and write out profiles for each character. How they act, what they look like, their background, and what they want. Write out a plot outline ( I hated doing those in school, but I've found they actually help) to make sure your story has a good structure. Lastly, edit your story. Reread it multiple times. Out loud if necessary. If you really think you are trying harder then everybody else, you're wrong. You need to do research, planning, and lots and lots of rewriting. Don't just think that the first draft is gonna be perfect. There's a reason authors take years to write books. If you put actual effort into writing something, it will be reflected in the finished product.

Good luck.

Actually, The entire reason I do the "I think you are awesome" is to make it sound cheesey, as if my ego was the size of my O.O Dayum... Did'nt know it was THAT big.

Awesome, When I got done with my post, I saw this one and mentally thought "Fuhhhh... Another wise guy...". Let's see what you got to say.

I am not going to answer stuff in any perticulate order...

Moderate... as in what any random person, specifically a girl, would wear... a pink shirt, or short shorts. Think of a mid-class person. That's what I think is moderate... but the entire reason I said moderate, instead of giving her a disign was because I wanted YOU! Yes, You! The viewer, to believe what you want to! I want you to think she has a 50000 billion cha-ching suit on, if that is what you believe is moderate. Next.

Sorry, Those kind of words, "Tragedy" and "Nessisary", I am not good with... something that repreats its sound multiple times is sorta a "Blurgah" to me. Tragedy on the other hand is just a word I never actually saw, but I heard alot.

Actually... Uh... Nothing is a character... That's why I capitalized his name. Sad part is, I named him Nothing specifically because for a while, That's all people would say to me.

"Eh, Nothing" or "Nothing much" or "You are nothing to me." then I'd say, in order. "Nothing is an asshole, but I asked you what's up.", "That's alot of Nothing... That dude's a prick." and last but not least. "I am your end? Hell yeah."

All of these are followed by "Wait... What?"

I tend to capitalize extremely special things, like the 7 "Deadly Sins", suck as Greed, Envy, Gluttony, ect. ect. Sometimes, the words are of the same value that others see them, or sometimes I pick up from a sentance and accidentally capitalize to start. I go back through and fix those, however.

That's why I try to limit them. If this was real life, there'd be pauses ALL OVER THE PLACE in my story. It is meant to be a sad story, resulting in there being pauses, cut offs, and quick talking. Sometimes that's how you need to read them, but I wouldnt exactly know how to get a viewer to do that without taking out spaces.

The reason I introduced them that way is because I dont want people who dont know who he is to know him right off the bat... When I say "Dark Figure", I mean it as if there was an evil person who was so bad that even his skin was dark, That kind of effect. The massive creature is supposed to represent something that would be huge, like, think of something MASSIVE, truely, then double it. That's what it is supposed to mean, an abomination abomidable creature. (I hope I used those two words correctly.)

Jessica has been in the Sanctuary of Order for years, if you didnt read the story. I meant for those grammar mistakes. Any lowercase i's or lowercase starting letters for a sentence, I put those there on purpose.

And the last thing Levon writes, that was to show just how badly he was torn up.

If you played Mass Effect 3, Commander Shepards 3rd pre-set clothes is what I mean, with stripes, badges, awards. Blue cloth, golden outlines. Something an Admiral would wear. Y'know?

Reading the story, You will find that the Uncreation is a black substance that only grows around 3 people in all of existance. Guardianship, The Arch Angel, and the Angel of Uncreation, who is made up of the parasetic ooze. Reading deeper into the story, he explains that he is not allowed to feel emotions, or else he creates monster called 'Uncreations' or 'Shadows'.

I have made bio's for every single one of my characters... Except for Crimson, Talos, and a few random names I will throw in there when I feel like it.

I will condense your entire section down into one sentence, alright?

"It is slightly below average, and it could be better."

However, I have heard your voice, and shall do what I can to manage a bit of change around here.

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At 7/14/12 04:53 PM, mhzinski wrote: Let me do my best to offer you a helpful response.

Firstly, let's divorce the idea of starcraft and writing. They are two different things that have no relation. We don't care that you play starcraft. Focus on your writing. We're done mentioning starcraft from here on.

Secondly, if you have to explain your comparisons they suck, and you did, so it sucks. The reason why people who are reviewing your work here don't like you is because you're unlikable. You're allowed to be grumpy about it, but being dismissive just shows how terrible you are at your writing. You can't stand it up under fire and defend its merits because it doesn't have any. Turn it into something personal if you want, but it's something that is unemotional. There needs to be some relation and outside context to compare your piece to and to use as a lens by which the reader understand the personal themes you are trying to explain. I don't know your themes or their explanations or what context influences the story by which I can relate to it. Providing nothing, saying you're great, then dismissing anyone who says otherwise or hiding behind the modesty of "I'm not good but I don't care what you think either" is stupid. You are not allowed to tell other people their opinions are more useless than your own without appearing unlikable.

You are not trying harder than any other writer. They are all giving the same effort level you are and are all producing writing. Your particular style of writing is very emotional. I don't mean that in the "brings tears to the world's eyes" sort of way but more in the "you're so overly wrapped up in the story you write imagining yourself to be the main character" and it turns into a very personal ordeal. It's also clearly written to be entertaining along with over dramatic so you try way too hard to keep it both. Coupling that with the fact that your writing style is very direct without description and you miss some key grammar concepts make me come to the conclusion that the piece is garbage. It is bad writing. I am so unbelievable over the top okay with you being proud of it. Whatever. The point is the key writing mechanics involved are not impressive. You may think of yourself as an artist, you are entitled to be who you are and express yourself how you want. The writing you submitted for people to view is not good writing. I would not recommend anyone read it ever. You are not being better than anyone else, you are being what you want to be. Go for it. The writing is still bad writing.

Sorry, bud, that starcraft II thing is a nogo... That's where I developed my Rp skills, and my writing ideas.

... That explaination thing is the whole idea... 'know what... just... let's move onto the next thing.

Hey, You're catching on faster than most people... that's not hard... Anyway! yes, I am unlikable... That's because I am not a social person. The only time I try to be likable is if I am meeting you in person, or if you are someone I like.

Let's set this straight. I dont know you, and I dont like you. Let's build this relationship from there. Next.

Dismissive? I've been going back and making small tweeks depending one what the last quarter dozen people have said. Even if I do blow them off, at least I honor them trying to help me. Next.

... The fuck are you talking about Fire for? Next.

True, I tend not to really care too much what people think... Reason is: People are crap... I love a person, A person is smart. People are dumb finicky animals. Next.

Clearly you dont understand the intricacy's of BladeBasher Engineeriiiiiiiiiiiinnnnggggg. Next.

Yeah, Thanks for saying that I am great. By the way, Nothing aint exactly that much of an asshole that you need to mention him in your sentance... I mean, I know Nothing is a bit of a dick. Next.

Yeah... I am not good. Then again, you dont see me coming through and slamming novice writers who dont even have someone to teach them other than random strangers... Next!

Let's switch this around... they're opinions are as useless as mine... Then why would I have released to public? Surely, I did it because I am a straight up female cleansing fluid for the entire universe to use, so that I could stomp on people who "try" to help me... But today isnt opposite day, that I am aware of. Next!

Hey! The Shake-spear writing monkey is catching on! Yes, Levon is a representation of who I am, not a ghost of a person who doesnt even exist. Levon is me, I am Levon. Same person, different settings. I am in real life, He is in the future, kicking ass and taking names by the dozens.

As a matter of fact, I do write as though I was him, and for the exact same reason as the previous paragraph. The reason being is because I am so caught up in that I feel like I am on top of the freaking world. It's nice to feel that way every once in a while. Then I just come back through, and change little plot holes, loops in the story and cracks in the wall in order to make it look at least a little bit better. Example, I based my first story off of another story based off of another story based off of real life. I spent 2 months on it, about an hour a day, sort of tweakin' it to my liking. Next!

Yeah, I try to make it over-dramatic... That's what makes it funny as all-get-out. If you look at it through a "Princess Bride" irony view point, you never view it the same way again. But I guess none of this makes sense to you. Next!

Key mechanics... what are those? Again, I taught myself to make stories. No-one told me "This is what you do", and I didnt even look into the matter. I just started, and I worked from there. Wherever the wind took me.

On the contrarararay, I believe I am the best writer in the whole freakin' world. Wanna know why? Because I am the only writer I know... Besides Dark, who passes idea's towards me every once in a while. His are slightly more text-based, whereas mine is more dependant on the complex of drama, comedy, very slight horror, a sexual joke every other story, and fighting... Pretty good fight scenes.

Listen... even if I have kinda slapped you in the face with a trout, I will go ahead and abide your help, and see if I can tweek it a little further to your critique. But... You really didnt give much for me to base, I will do the best I can to sound more like you in the future... but I know for a fact that my kids wont be jackasses.

Hmm... Tea time, still... Maybe some good ol' tentacles will help with that...

v I dont think that is what Blizzard meant when they said "Tentacle Rape"... O.O v

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At 7/14/12 11:57 AM, Deathcon7 wrote:

At 7/13/12 09:09 PM, bladebasher wrote: Hey, Check it out, my the second person to think my stories are, quote...

lame

Riiiiight... I think the majority outnumbers the few in who likes it.

Go "katter" to them some more if you really believe this. Take your "stories" elsewhere because outside the circle of people who are kissing your ass, there is us: people who will tell you, honestly, what they think.

Thanks for the... "Critique". Seeya around.

Another ingrate... that makes two I've encountered today. First, deft did a good job to try to steer you right. He even pointed you to another thread where the OP is facing similar critique. Perhaps I shouldn't be so surprised that, given your similarities, both of you behave like ungrateful children.

At 7/14/12 08:14 AM, bladebasher wrote: Alright. I am sorry, I think I interperated that as a "I dislike your story, and I dislike your writing skill.", I didnt see that you were trying to help me.

No, he was saying exactly that, but he was also offering recourse to improve both story and skill. Just because a story is bad now, and your skills are insufficient now, doesn't mean they can't improve in the future. You definitely want to study structure because the post you linked to was a collection of ellipses interrupted by weak attempts at prose. Note that the entire time, when you're not telling the reader what is happening or has happened, you're barreling through stilted, baseless dialogue. If you really want to see how a story is told, pick up a novel. And chances are that novel you'll pick up will show just how derivative your story is. Chances are the only difference between that novel and your story is that the former is actually well written. But that's wrong of me to pass judgement on your taste in fiction.

Most of the time, I katter to having people who were there while Levon was being developed, and I nearly got a quarter of all the people on the American server of Starcraft II hooked on my story, so I guess me Ego did explode when I started posting here.

It's a logical fallacy to assume that, because a perceived large number of people presumably liked your story, that it is both good and well written. We have no context for you to use that in defense of your story. Again, the people that are providing critique here have actual education and experience in this regard; it's why we're in a forum dedicated to writing. By this merit alone our combined opinion supersedes whatever collective opinion these Starcraft players managed to cobble together. I despise anyone that would lead a writer on this badly. Were our roles reversed, once I stopped being so damned disappointed, I would buy every book on writing I could. I would also get away from those people, lest you end up like William Hung sans the mocking acclaim. But that's just me; I tend to want to learn to overcome my weaknesses.

I think you've heard this before...

"Dont put words in other peoples mouths" ... That just tastes nasty... Dirty words taste like crap. Let him say what he wants to say.

Meh... Though I did decide to open my story to the public, it doesnt mean I have an oversized Ego, it means I am trying to learn and expand. It's not wrong the expand... Look at the U.S. of A... We are so far in debt that it makes my SCII Casualty rate look like some peoples heads: Empty. Yet we continue to expand into places not even attached to the mainland, and try and pass a law to call out "The New State"... I still wanna slap whoever tried to pass that.

I do not precieve anything of my story is well written. I realise, even before I released to the public that I am a novice, and have little to no skill at all. But, What makes me different than novices with no skill is that I am trying... But then again, trying isnt good enough now-a-days... "Do or do not; there is no try."

Oh, look at that... Tea time. Seeya in the next... Um... I actually dunno... I got a huge stock of tea right now. Nummy.

v Sup, Marine. I hear you are the counter for everything... let's test this theory. v

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At 7/13/12 10:06 PM, DeftAndEvil wrote: Dude. First of all, please type in coherent sentences. I can decipher the gibberish you posted in this thread; whoever is telling you that your writing is good is leading you down a treacherous path of inflated-ego and poor writing. Don't be mad (or petty) when someone points out the egregious flaws in your writing when you present it in a forum focused on writing and its merits.

But, I see that it is too late for your oblivious ego, so I also say goodbye; I will never open another one of your posts (I've learned my lesson). Peace.

Alright. I am sorry, I think I interperated that as a "I dislike your story, and I dislike your writing skill.", I didnt see that you were trying to help me.

Most of the time, I katter to having people who were there while Levon was being developed, and I nearly got a quarter of all the people on the American server of Starcraft II hooked on my story, so I guess me Ego did explode when I started posting here.

Best of wishes from the Were-Dracopyre!

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At 7/13/12 07:50 PM, DeftAndEvil wrote: In all honestly, you sound like an ungrateful self-important douche, which is a horrible way to solicit "helpful" critique. But, as you presented yourself in the OP, I think you are after attention rather than constructive criticism.

In more honesty, the story is lame, stilted, and just generally deprived of literary merit. There has been some solid, insightful critique for this story here. I highly recommend you check it out if you hope to improve.

Hey, Check it out, my the second person to think my stories are, quote...

lame

Riiiiight... I think the majority outnumbers the few in who likes it.

Thanks for the... "Critique". Seeya around.

---

I've posted here before, and I got a few responses, none of them were of much help, but I wanted to repost a story I've been working on for 2 years, and I believe it is great, hooking every person that I know on the story.

The story is about an Angel, known as the Arch Angel, who lost his loved one on Tyradon II, holding her as she died...

In this one, he finds that there might be a way to be with her again.

Please share the feeling of how the Arch Angel and his loved one feels.

Levon and Jessica

I was inspired to make my next story by my friend, so I am gonna copyright and say...

All rights of AWESOMENESS goes to Artic Nyx Inc. And all of your souls belong to that one place in Liberty City, Getalife Inc.

.

The drawing is of The Arch Angel giving up and begging for death.

---

I have recently started a new drawing project as a look on how my main antagonist actually looks! It isnt finished yet, but I am giving a warning to all those who dare challenge the Angel of The End: Nothing Hellburner Von Liden.

I am going to go ahead and state that I am not actually gonna post the picture of my main character on the next story. I will, however, post it in the one after.

Some more details: I have desided my next story is going to have a battle with 4 Angels. Nothing, The Arch Angel, Guardianship and Tokandos.

Tokandos, I dont think I have introduce to anyone on the forum yet, is the Angel of Destruction. His ability to cause mass hysteria and destroy worlds in a matter of weeks is terrifying.

V. Remember, The Arch Angel is always on the balace of sanity and insanity. V
V. His mental instability is crushing him between becoming what he saught to destroy... V
V. And what he strives to protect; his loved ones and the lives of the other Angels. V

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At 6/25/12 12:22 AM, EKublai wrote: This is very interesting. I'd like to see it when you get started on it. You're also a talented drawer which should really help in visualizing character. I will say that your first picture seems very derivative though. This isn't a criticism, but in my experience with talented illustrators, flatness of design can sometimes make for a flatness of character.

I have already created many stories, so go ahead and take a gander.

I wouldnt say 'talented', but I would say 'pretty ok'. My sister is a better artist than I am and also keep in mind, some drawings or pictures on my profile, or that I post, arent created by me. The post above yours was created by someone else, but I do not know who. Probably Blizzard Entertainment.

What do you mean by first picture? The one about the Code of Angels?

Also, I am looking for inspiration for my next story so that I can post my latest addition, which I didnt make, but matches what my main character looks like down to the very point... Keep a look out! :D

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At 6/22/12 11:10 PM, paradigmvulpes wrote: intresting, i'm curious whether your diving into christain mythology, as it were, or if you using it as a light guidline for the plot, either way, i have an idea, i'm not going to lie, i'm sort of jacking it from supernatural, the TV show. so here it is, i noticed you didn't give a reason for war...or maybe you did, i only got about 2 hours of sleep last night, reguardless, these angles, archangles, all of them, i'm thinking there was a time when they fought as brothers, at some point your archangle slipped from faith, but after eing brought back to his senses, comes back in time for the others angles to begin losing hope that god, who has been nowhere to be seen in centuries isn't coming back, or worse, is dead.
logically, someone tries to take power. still beleiving god will return someday, your arch angle, along with others of similar beleifs oppose the angle atempting to take power. leading to the civil war.
Also, this may be my opinion alone, but the terms, not the meaning necro and heaven mancer dont sit well, first off devil, or demon, however you meant it, match up with angles or god, where heaven would match up with hell, perhaps do something i'm fond of, use latin or finnish or iclandic to portray devilmancers as callers of the darkness within or something of that nature.
i must say, this is all opinion based, iv'e writen, more acuratly half-written, many stories ans i know that there is way too much to explain, you know the events of several chapters in advance, but not the next paragrapgh, you know how your going to close a plot point, but not the next character your going to introduce. so i really have an outside veiw here and you may see the little imput i have given as garbage, but either way, the first draft of a story, it dosnt matter what anyone else thinks, just you, worry about the opinions of others when you start that second, or final if your pleased with your work, draft.

-keep the writing forum strong-

i'm curious whether your diving into christain mythology, as it were, or if you using it as a light guidline for the plot

No, The fact that I use the phrase "Angel" is just because I liked it. I took a phrase, a name that I liked and a person I could relate to and I made my story.

i'm sort of jacking it from supernatural, the TV show

Sorry, I dont take pre-created idea's. Sorry, I'm original. If you have idea's from off the very top of your head that make sense, I'd be fine with that.

i noticed you didn't give a reason for war

That is explained in the story. Baxton murdered Levon's loved ones, and it caused him to create an all out war against the Blood Brother Mercenaries.

angles, archangles

Angels* Arch Angels* Please get them right... I am a huge grammar freak.

at some point your archangle slipped from faith

Again, I'm not christian. I'm athiest.

You used the phrase "God"... I am sorry, But I am an actual writer, not a zealous fanatical christian arse-hole who kills people for being non-christians - I dont use "God" In any stories I write. Closest thing to "God" That I have is a Hierarch Angel, "Everything", Father of the Arch Angel.

logically, someone tries to take power

Read the actual story, Somebody does. "Nothing", Angel of The End. He's already cast down the Arch Angel because he was a good guy.

the terms, not the meaning necro and heaven mancer dont sit well, first off devil, or demon, however you meant it, match up with angles or god, where heaven would match up with hell, perhaps do something i'm fond of, use latin or finnish or iclandic to portray devilmancers as callers of the darkness within or something of that nature.

There is no Heaven, there is no Hell, There is no Devil, There is no God, There is nothing religious besides the phrase "Angels" in my entire story. Read the story before you give suggestions.

He used to be a Devilmancer, which just meant that he summoned creatures that shouldnt exist and summon people from the dead. Skeletons, monsters, ghouls.

He is now a Heavenmancer, a cross of a Hierarch Paladin and a Devilmancer.

In the end, your suggestions/opinion of this story are not accurate in any way at all. You missed about 95% of everything you said to me in the previous paragraph. I'm not trying to be an asshat, but you offered little to nothing in this post... Sorry.

V Little, useless opinion... Huge, Oversized ego. V

---

I've seen alot of people post their stories up on here, which I am going to try, to promote it. I've seen alot of feedback on their stories, but I am not sure just how well I'm gonna do.

I will try this: Say who/what the story is about, give it reason, name some of the character, and throw in a few details to pull you people into my story, then I will use my Jedi Mind-Trick to make you read forever and ever, and post stupid Chuck Norris jokes in my comment sections.

About the Story: This story follows an Angel, and not just any Angel - The Arch Angel. This Angel is an overseer and a commander to the other Angels. The current Angels in existance are Fate, Guardianship, The Unknown Element, Destruction, Uncreation and last but not least "The End", who hunts down the Arch Angel anywhere it does.

Following the Arch Angel, You learn just how hard it is to try and hide from a monster that can smell, feel and taste your preasence if you so much as try to help somebody in need. Imagine what it would feel like to hold someone in your arms - someone you love - as they slowly die... Imagine having to do it again... and again... and again. The mental damage this caused has rendered the Arch Angel mentally unstable, meaning he has constant outbursts of unprovolked anger and sudden cases of mental instability in the form of cackling while talking to himself.

Woops, I guess I put the story, some characters AND reason in the same paragraph >.< Didnt mean to do that.

A few Details: The main character is an Admiral of a Mercenary Army, meaning he is always under the stress of having to always command his army, no matter where he is. The name of the army is the Shadow Scythe Elites. There is also a place known as TRIBUTE where the Shadow Scythe Elites and a enemy mercenary faction, the Blood Brothers, wage war on each other. The casualty rate there is so high, it looks like somebody copy-pasted the U.S. national debt and put it on the K.I.A counter.

The Arch Angel is a Devilmancer, or was, before he changed to being a Heavenmancer. A sad pair of powers, that is, where healing yourself burns you... and casting a unholy spell kills you as well. Being a Heavenmancer, he has learned been prepared to lose and kill everything he has loved... but that doesnt mean that he doesnt regret it.

Well... I dont want to leave anybody in the dark... so I will give some more character names.

Jessica Orile: savour and friend of the Arch Angel. York Dallas En Jorge: Commander of the Shadow Scythe Elites, The Arch Angel's brother (Adopted into York's family), friend and pulls the Admiral's arse out of trouble ALOT. Washington: An experiment by the Arch Angel when he tried to infuse the essence of another Angel, Uncreation, with a strong willed human... It didnt go so well. He still looks physically normal... but he is a little f-ed up in the head.

Honorable Mention Characters: Luke, brother of one of my friends. Died in a helicaptor crash in Afghan. Ellie Des Chaton, character of Mr. Rock-Candy. I got his permission to use her once, and I made the best that I could of it (Which was not very well... I wasnt as good a story writer back then, through >.>).

Side Details: My stories are not interconnected. I wont run out of space, and start another. I end my stories when I run out of space. BUT! I do continue the stories with a gap of time between them. Could be a few months, or even a year!

The story is quite dark... I'd recommend only people in their 15's to 25's to read the story. Otherwise, You wont get half the crud I'm saying. I used to ask people who I hung around with alot to read my stories, and after getting all the people I know to be chewing on my toes, begging me to write more, I decided to put it up for the public to view.

I've also allowed DarkBlade001 to use my main character in his story.

Websites of ours.

Downfall of the Arch Angel

Rock-Candy's website

DarkBlade's story, which involves my character >.>

Last but not least, a drawing, all for you - the reader! Yes, I'm talking about you, Guy/Gal! *Point.* Mwuahaha! >:3 Ebil bunny.

This one is the Code of Angels, created by "Everything" himself. Everything is the Angel who removed himself from existance to create the Arch Angel, who created the other Angels based on how the universe needed balance.

Please don't judge the story before you see it through to the end.

---

At 5/9/12 09:05 PM, DaRKBlAde001 wrote: Woah! Those stories of yours are absolutely AWESOME! In my form of critique, I will say that they are slightly depressing, but kickass in the correct areas! I'd say the first act is my favourite, but the rest are almost as good. I think every time you made made a story, There were some parts in it called "Fillers" Where there really isnt much to do, So you put in backstory or future plans, Which is rather brilliant.

When you do get to the action, I've noticed you put alot of detail into fight scenes. I would have to say my favourite is the one you did on the third story. That was bloody awesome. I would have to say that my favourite quote from all of your stories is one that is catchy and sticks perfectly to your story is the Code of Angels, As featured in your drawing!

Now onto the stuff that was kind of unlikable. You have a tendancy to change your story lore ALOT, but I guess that just means that you are still developing it alot. It isnt exactly a bad thing, but it is kind of annoying. In a few of your stories, You seem to do or say stuff that isnt related to the story at all. Again, Not a bad thing... If you do it right.

I find that your stories have a very dark atmosphere to them, Extremely sad, Depressing or angering... But they also have moments when I just couldnt help myself but burst into laughter. The stories also have moments where I am just so damn happy that I cry.

I would say, in my opinion, 9/10. Thanks for the wonderful stories!

Thank you, Sir. I do my best when I try to make my stories. Truth be told, I didnt expect more than a 5 from anyone.

Though I find your critique quite helpful... I am already glad I turned to the public in order to get a little help. Thanks guys, Keep reading!

An extra drawing, For your generosity!

This was made for a friend of mine on Starcraft! Enjoy!

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Uh... Hi? I guess? This is my first post in the Writing forum- Any forum, Actually. But I've seen people promote their stories here, So I thought I'd do the same. I am a novice story writer who got an interest in writing from another person. I have always been looking for critique, But I normally tried to look for people I was close to for advice on my stories.

But now I have turned to the public, Finally. I have grown 2 eggs and descided to give ya'll a try!

They are fairly large stories, I guess. I do my best to have good grammar, and only use swearing when nessisary.

Give it a change before you judge it. The Story of The Arch Angel

If there is something you cant figure out, If you find a plot hole, If you see any glitches in the stories, Or bad grammar... Please tell me, I am not an ignorant author. I do want to improve my skills, Which is why I am turning to the you guys for critique!

The Picture is my deity, "Everything". In this picture, He is creating the "Code of Angels", A sacred text that binds all living creatures to what is right and good - And only the evil ignore the code.