So, I am a bit behind in reading stories myself. Real life got in the way for the time being and my computer is dying so the chances that I will be able to finish typing this even are rather miniscule. Hopefully I can get my new computer this weekend and read more stories today and tomorrow.

At 11/4/09 07:39 PM, FatKidWitAJetPak wrote: I wish I could give feedback, but sadly I do not find myself a very creditable reviewer on these stories. I do not have the experience of writing as many of you great legends such as WritersBlock do. However, I do know if I personally enjoy a story or not so I can give some feedback for whoever needs it. Anyone wish for me to give that a shot?

I think everyone who puts time and effort into a writing piece enjoys hearing what others think about their submission. You don't need to be a great judge, a great writer, or a person like WritersBlock. All you need is the ability to read a story and say something you like and something that could be improved upon. I don't think it's writing experience that makes a good critic. I honestly think it's about giving constructive feedback so that the person has the opportunity to improve his or her writing in the future.

At 11/4/09 12:14 AM, FatKidWitAJetPak wrote:

Wow dude, that would be fantastic! Are you sure man? Its kind of long hehe.

Not a problem. I can probably do that tonight for you.

At 11/3/09 10:03 PM, FatKidWitAJetPak wrote: i posted my first story ever so i dont know what people are going to think.

I'll review it for you. I already read a bit of it but I haven't read the whole thing yet.

I am not a judge this round...but I do know how people appreciate feedback:

Heathwillkillyou- Dakarian Abyss
I have to admit that I was a little thrown by the rhymes in the line. It seemed sometimes that you were more focused with rhyming the words than with developing your story. I was also distracted by the rhymes. The problem was that I would read the story and follow the plot line, but the rhymes would interrupt and I would lose the flow of the story. In all honesty, I have an idea of what went on, but even now I remain confused.

Magik-Waffle- Jeriko
I liked this story and the twist that you presented at the end. It was constantly moving and there never seemed to be a dull moment. At first I was confused by how she would know who she was by the end of the story, but then the speaker never defined them. The definition came from the character himself so he could easily be mistaken. Sorry I am responding in vague sentences but I don't want to give anything away for those who have not read your story.

Just two for now...but I'll do more later.

:)

<Part 4>

"My friend, why the hostility? There is plenty for all. We should share in what we could all have. After all," before Zach could finish, a fist landed on the side of his face knocking him to the ground. Zach smiled and wiped his own blood from the side of his face with the back of his hand. He licked his own hand and watched as his adversary cringed. "It's really not so bad. You should try it. In some ways, it tastes just like chicken but so much better." With that, Zach picked up a bone from Amy's arm and smacked Eric on the side of the head. Eric stumbled and fell back towards the water way. Amy's blood from the arm soaked into his hair and dried in chunks giving him a crazed look. Eric mustered up his rage and threw his entire body at Zach. As Eric's body came at him, Zach opened up his arms and grabbed a hold of him. Zach was in reach of Eric's neck and located the same spot that had caused Amy to lose consciousness. He moved his mouth towards Eric's neck but Eric moved his head just in time and Zach's bite did not severe the artery. The blood that came from Eric's neck was now staining his shirt and hand. He fell back onto the trash pile and tried to catch his breath. Before he could gather his strength again, Zach ran at him swinging Amy's arm over his head. Blood was splattering out of the arm as he threw it about and brought it down hard on Eric's head. Eric reached out to grab at Zach but only manage to grab hold of his shirt before he was hit. The impact of the hit caused both men to be pulled into Water Way 1. Eric started sinking as soon as he hit the water but the cold and new sensation brought him back to his senses. Eric was enraged and he grabbed at Zach's head and shoved it under water. The area around the two was turning a murky red. Bright red ripples were flowing out into other parts of the water way. Zach was struggling to come up for air as Eric continued to hold him under water. Zach's body began to spasm as he lost oxygen and finally went still. Eric pulled himself out of the water way and crawled on the side. He coughed up water and blood and then collapsed. He was sickened by everything that had happened. His body had ingested the water and he was exhausted. He slowly stood up and made his way to the hospital so that he could clean up his wounds. Eric placed his hand up to the side of his neck where he had been bitten by Zach. His hand came away stained with red. Eric looked at his hand and licked the thumb in order to clear away the blood. Not too bad he thought to himself. Sucking the fingers of his hand so that he could taste the blood, Eric continued on to the hospital a maddened look in his eyes.

<Part 3>

Zach pushed Amy down onto the pile of dirty newspapers on the side of the garbage mountain. "Won't we need our gas mask?" she breathlessly asked. Zach just shook his head. He wanted her and this was not a time to worry about the toxins in the air. This was the last time he would ever take her. His ravenous eyes scanned her delectable body up and down. He pulled at her shirt and tore the buttons exposing her black lacy bra beneath. Zach's hands hungrily grabbed at her breasts and her naked skin beneath him. He could almost taste the joy and anticipation. He took her ring finger in his mouth and sucked on the skin. He watched as she shivered pulling him closer to her. Amy moaned as she felt his mouth moving along her fingers and up her arm. It seemed like Zach wanted to taste every part of her body. His mouth moved over her body like it was the last time he would ever have her. Zach pulled up her denim skirt and removed the black lacy underwear she had been wearing. He groaned as he placed himself inside her. Their motions together were perfect and Zach couldn't help but think that this was how he wanted it to end. Zach placed his lips near her neck and licked the skin just below her ear. Amy shivered in anticipation and pulled him closer to her. His mouth moved up to her ear and he put the lobe of her ear in his mouth and nibbled at the skin. Her nervous laughter fueled his sex drive even more. Zach's smile was villainous. This time he bit down harder and tore a bloody piece of her ear entirely off. Thick, red, velvet blood flowed from the side of her head. Amy's screams and hysterical crying annoyed him. He remembered hearing about an artery in the neck that when severed caused the person to lose consciousness. Although Zach did not know exactly where this artery was located, he decided it would be better than hearing her screams. He leaned down and bit at Amy's silken white neck and watched as her head fell back to her shoulder. Now, Zach could enjoy his food in peace and quiet. He picked up the piece of ear cartilage from the ground eyed his treat. He chewed that portion of her ear and then went back for the piece that was still hanging from the side of her head. Zach was so turned on by the site of her skin falling off her body, that he reached his orgasm even before he took the second bite of Amy's skin. Zach pulled himself off of his wife and eyed her delicious and smooth looking skin. It was so white and pure against the contrasting piles of trash beneath her body. He lifted up the arm that was still holding onto the ear and again sucked on her finger. When he bit down this time, he did not taste the chewy sensation of the cartilage but rather the crunchy taste of bones. It was like each part of her had a different taste and a different consistency. Zach glanced down at her half naked body. Amy's bra had been thrown away and was now lying on top of a half eaten bag of moldy pretzels and next to a wrapped twinkie. Zach looked hungrily at her breasts and brought his mouth down upon her luscious flesh. The fatty consistency was undoubtedly his favorite. Blood covered the ground around him and stained his lips bright red. Her chest was now a flat wasteland of blood and bone. The more Zach tasted of her, the more he needed, the more he craved.

Eric was just about to call it a night and send his team home, when he heard a distant scream. He recognized Amy's voice and went running to help her. Eric desperately looked around trying to locate where her voice was coming from. He heard another scream and then silence. Eric feared he was already too late. He continued to run as he followed where the voice had been coming from. As Eric ran, his foot stepped on something squishy. Eric convinced it was a piece of garbage, continued on without much notice. It was not until he realized that the squishy object was attached to his shoe that he stopped and lifted his foot. It appeared to be a round slimy ball. In his quick look, Eric noticed a familiar glint of green. He walked over to it and picked up the ball. Immediately he realized how he knew the glint of green. He pictured her smile and the sparkle of her olive eyes. By the time Eric arrived on the scene, his eyes grew in shock and terror. What had once been a beautiful human being was now a sight that made him want to throw up. Amy's body was in three distinct locations with various parts scattered in between. It seemed the main part of her body was against the mountain of newspapers on the far side of the water way. Her arm and part of her leg were about one hundred feet away down the hill. The rest of her parts were half bitten and had chew marks in them to the other side of her body. Zach was crouched over what might have been a leg and was ripping chunks of flesh off of it before going back for more. Eric walked towards Zach with a thunderous rage building up inside him. His steps were slow but purposeful as he approached the savage being. Disgusted, he threw the eyeball at Zach who was still munching away at the leg. "Was this not good enough for you? Did you not like her eyeball? Why didn't you eat it you sick fuck?" Zach slowly raised his eyes to the man who was standing before him. His smile spread side to side revealing a grin tinted with red splotches of blood.

"Come join me friend and feast!" Zach gestured to the body parts that were strewn all around him. "It is far too good a body to waste on one man alone."

"I will cut you down and feed you to the crows. You don't deserve to even touch her. Get the fuck away from her body!"

<Part 2>

Home for Zach and Amy was located in the housing part of town. Here, shacks made out of cardboard, wood, and scraps of metal, were piled on top of one another in an overlapping style. Thus, one had to crawl over other's houses in order to get to his own house. Even if his house was at the bottom of the stack, he still had to travel up a small portion of the garbage mount on top of which was his house. Amy brought the rolling chair to the bottom of the mountain and located their shack midway up the hill. It was quite a climb and Amy sensed that Zach would be relying on her even more than he already was. Amy seeing no other way of getting her husband up the hill, took him out and supported him all the way up. Zach was able to put weight on his feet and seemed to gain some strength back. Amy wrote it off as merely being excited that he was coming home. By the time they had reached the top of the hill, it was past dinnertime. Amy pulled off their gas masks, set them on the hook near the door, and then flipped the switch so that the filter system would kick in. Outside gas masks were needed but inside, they would be okay thanks to the town's shared generator. Amy sat Zach down on the old garbage can they now used as a chair and pulled over the table made of wooden crates glued together. She lit the fire in the orange basin that she and Zach used for cooking and she pulled the rat out of the food box. She picked up the spike from the corner of the room and struck the pointed end in between the rat's eyes. The rat squealed as the spike drove through its body and out its back side. Blood dripped to the floor creating a small pool of red liquid. Amy ignored the blood and placed the rat over the fire turning the spike so that the rat would cook evenly. When the rat was done cooking, she placed it on the boxes and turned to get their supply of salt from the food box. By the time Amy turned to sit down at the table, Zach had already eaten two thirds of the rat. He smiled shyly. "Sorry Amy. I was hungry. Maybe next time we can make it a little more rare though." Amy's eyes widened and her mouth slowly opened as she struggled to find the words to describe her shock.

"That's fine dear. I am glad you are feeling better. I guess I'm just surprised that you are feeling better so suddenly." Zach pondered his wife's last comment. He did feel a lot better but there was still something that had yet to be satiated. There was some desire, some hunger that did not feel like himself. He looked down at the rat's blood on the floor. For a moment, Zach wanted to lick up the blood. But then he shuddered and turned back towards his wife.

"It must just be being at home that made me feel better." He shrugged his shoulders and smiled. She looked so beautiful. Even when she was confused or shocked, she exuded radiance. Amy sat down at the table next to her husband and picked up the last part of the rat that he had not eaten. The blood had dried now but there was still a line of red between the eyes on its head where she had originally driven in the spike. "Can I cut your rat for you?" Zach asked. Amy smiled and nodded glad that she had her husband back by her side. He picked up the rat and began to carefully carve its head into slivers so that Amy could eat. As he was cutting the last sliver, the knife slipped and cut a portion of his thumb. Zach put his thumb in his mouth to stop the bleeding just as Amy got up to get a bandage for Zach's thumb. While Amy was searching for the bandage, Zach discovered that a portion of the flesh had come off on the knife. He picked up the knife and sniffed his dying skin. Amy's back was still turned so he lifted the knife to his mouth and licked the piece of thumb. Satisfied with the taste, he drew the knife temporarily away but then brought it back up to his mouth and ate the piece of flesh that had been stuck on the knife. A grin grew on his face. Zach looked down and saw that his thumb was still bleeding and since he had needed to take it out to eat the piece on the knife, it had become red with blood. He put his thumb back into his mouth and savored the taste of his own blood. Wanting more, Zach bit down on his own finger and let out a moan in pain. Amy came back with the towel to stop the blood. Zach pulled the thumb out of his mouth and placed his hand in his wife's so that she could administer the bandage. Amy nearly retched. A rat's blood did not bother her, but to see her husbands cut thumb with a portion of the bone protruding out of the leftover skin, which was still spouting blood, was almost too much for her. Still, right now she had to be here for her husband. She had to help him. Amy placed the bandage on his thumb and then went back in the tiny back room to throw away the scraps. This usually meant throwing them out the window and landing them on someone else's house. Then it was someone else's problem.

Zach sat on the floor next to the table and wondered what was going on. It seemed odd to him that he should want to bite his own thumb. Yet, the taste and the desire to eat raw flesh could not be denied. He looked down at a piece of dried skin on the bottom of his foot and wondered if he would like that too. Zach peeled a piece of dried foot skin off of his heel and took a small piece of it in his mouth. He decided that it tasted alright but raw flesh was much tastier. Zach looked at his own body and felt a surge of energy rush through him. He wanted skin and blood and bones. He wanted to taste everything. Mostly, he wanted to taste her. In his mind he had this idea that she would taste even better than he did. Amy came back into the room and saw her husband now standing next to the table. He had a wild look about him that she had not seen since they had been married six years ago. She flashed him a sly smile and walked over to his side. Zach looked at his wife wondering if she could guess what was actually going through his head. Whether she knew what he wanted. He pulled her by the wrist and ran with her down the hill to the side of Water Way 1.

Word Count: 3,916
Genre: Garbage Punk
Title: A Ravenous Mind

<Part 1>

Eric pulled off his gas mask and looked at the progress he and his team had made. Not too bad, he thought to himself as he scanned the garbage lines. This year's Stash the Trash Day was bound to at least get some garbage off the streets. But even then, it wouldn't be enough. Eric and his team of five workers had managed to clear a pathway one fourth of the way down the town's main road. With piles of garbage lining the street, this was no easy feat. Eric looked out behind him at the work they had accomplished in the last six hours. He raised his eyes to the horizon line in the distance. For miles on end, all that could be seen were mountainous piles of trash. How long had it been since Eric had seen a green hill covered with flowers? It had certainly been much too long. Eric shook his head and brought himself back to reality. The hill right in front of him was piled high with broken glass bottles, torn papers from books, candy wrappers, moldy pieces of bread, a dark plastic bottle with a Gatorade label partly torn off, and rotten apple cores with tiny worms crawling through what was once a crisp and sweet fruit. As he scanned the pile higher, he almost retreated from the overwhelming task that loomed before him. Eric took a deep breath, gagged, and put his gas mask back on. It wasn't safe to keep it off for long. Not here, not now.

Amy Hanover stepped out from the tunnel onto the newly cleared pathway on Main St. It was so wonderful to see the blackened concrete even though the pathway was barely wide enough to hold two people across. "Amy," called Eric. "Off to see Zach in the hospital?"

"Hello Eric! Great job clearing the path. It is so nice to see the street again." Eric stood a little straighter, his eyes swelling with pride. He had always had a bit of a crush on Amy. Her dark brown shoulder length hair was always neat and shiny, yet never seeming to fall quite into place. It amazed Eric that even in this disgusting world, she remained beautiful and untouched by its horrors. Most of all, he loved the sparkle of her olive eyes when she smiled. Amy walked closer to Eric and for a moment he believed he could smell her cherry vanilla perfume. But the reality of the gas mask hit him first. "Yeah, Zach is not doing any better so I am off to see him in the hospital today." Eric had always been a little jealous of Amy's relationship with her husband. Even years ago when he was much younger, she wouldn't have gone for his rugged look. Now, he was an ungainly shell of the man he once was. Love it seemed had passed him by. Still, in his mind, he imagined that Amy and Zach shared food, talked about books, and tasted rare vintages of wine together--all the things he dreamed of doing with Amy himself. Amy walked along the stretch of clear path and climbed the makeshift stairs made of plastic bottles bonded together with wads of used gum. She turned back one last time to look at Eric and smiled. Eric could see the sparkle he loved through the clear plastic of the gas mask.. He watched as Amy turned around and crawled away through the tunnels. Not far beneath where they had been standing, a steady drip from a corroded pipe was increasing in frequency.

Zach's hospital room was as clean as could be conceived of in a world where garbage fueled day-to-day living. A generator outside the building converted some of the trash into fuel which powered the breathing machines, allowed oxygen to be pumped into the building, and provided light and electricity to flow into the patient rooms. The hospital was the only place in the area with its own generator. All the other houses and buildings had to share the city's common generator. Workers were always being sent out to collect the trash and bring it back to the main generator so that the city could have power. Amy brushed off the top of a partially broken plastic cart and turned it over so she could sit on top of it. Zach's breathing was slow and steady and Amy wondered how it had gotten this bad. Zach was part of a water conservation volunteer team that was working to clean up the town's water supply. They had successfully cleaned and blocked off Water Way 1. The water in that part of town was now deemed drinkable. Two weeks later, Zach started complaining of an upset stomach and extreme exhaustion. Amy, desperate to help her husband in any way she could, had taken him to the doctor to see what they could do.

Doctor Gordon stepped into the room and placed his tablet on the patient's bed. "Dr. Gordon, how is he doing?" Amy asked impatiently. "Do we know what it is yet?"

"Amy, I am afraid that I don't know what it is. The truth of the matter is that the hospital can no longer afford to hold him here and we need the beds for others. There is nothing we can do."

"But Doctor, he is dying. You have to do something." Amy was pleading with the doctor. She did not want to see her husband, her love taken from her.

"My suggestion Amy is to take him home and spend whatever time he has left in your presence. Let him know the comforts of your own home." With that, Doctor Gordon picked up his tablet and left the room. Amy stood by Zach's bed still in shock from what she had just heard. She collapsed back onto the crate and buried her head in her hands. She finally wept the tears she had long held back. Outside in the hallway, a voice called out to Dr. Gordon about a patient that had begun to eat his own fingers. There was a sound of scurrying as nurses and doctors ran to the patient's room to determine what was occurring. Amy perked up when she heard the phrase Water Way 1. Maybe it was another member of the volunteer water team. Amy turned her attention back to Zach upon hearing him call her name.

"Amy?" Zach's meek voice called to her from the bed. "Amy, take me home. A man should die in his own bed." Amy nodded and called for the orderly to help her husband into the rolling chair so that she could take him home.

At 9/3/09 09:57 PM, gumOnShoe wrote: I unfortunately wrote most of this after I finished judging the other competition.

Can that be my excuse too? I need to rationalize the ending in some way or another. Oh btw gum maybe you and I should collaborate on stories here. I'm okay at writing and better at proof reading. You are great at writing but not so great at proof reading. Just think of the possibilities...;)

Hmm, it is late and I apparently got seconds confused with minutes, which means it is time for bed. That's enough excitement for one day.

Wow that is tough. Judging is one thing but making that deadline is actually kind of scary. Granted, I missed the deadline by about 3 seconds.

Jennifer finally reached the bottom of the winding path. In front of her was a large mirror. Jennifer walked towards the mirror expecting to see her reflection. Instead, she saw Amir's reflection. Jennifer took a startled step backwards and caught herself. "Amir?" Amir's body stepped out of the mirror and stood on the pathway in front of her. "Amir!" Jennifer ran towards him her arms outstretched. When she reached him, however, she found that her hands went through his body. Where Amir had been, now stood a stranger.

"Jennifer, you have interacted with the jinn world. This is a sin in the human world. You must follow me now." Jennifer stood and in a trance followed the stranger to a new corridor. "Do you remember me?" Jennifer looked at the face of the stranger and gasped.

"Iblis!"

"Jennifer, you were born in the spirit world." As Iblis said these words, a door opened revealing the mirror from the other corridor. This time when Jennifer looked in the mirror, she saw her past life as a jinn reflected in the mirror. She had been a jinn. She had been Iblis's slave but had seen his ways and had turned to Allah instead. As a present for her obidience to Allah, he had granted her a human life. Now, she was powerless and back in Iblis's clutches. "You must come back to me and help me. Together you and I can take back the evil done to us."

"I will help you," Jennifer stated.

Title: A Spirit Among Us
Theme: Arabian

A town, covered by darkness's blanket, becomes desolate once the sun sets. The townspeople know better than to tread the streets during the midnight hours for that is when darkness rules. Here, in the black of night, a menace appears. He wonders the streets searching for fearful prey to terrify anew. Tonight, no one walks along the city streets. He sees the light ahead in the town square and he knows that tonight is a lost cause. He will not go near the light for it bodes is ill for those of his kind. He turns around and heads back towards the outskirts hoping that tomorrow will bring something of interest.

*****

Jennifer lifted the teapot from the stove and poured herself a cup from the steaming pot. She sat down at her small, wooden, kitchen table and glanced out her window at the vast landscape of flat roofed houses. Only a few roofs graced her eyes with sprawling gardens. Jennifer sighed and sipped her tea. She had already let her roof garden die out. It seemed so pointless and yet it had taken her and Amir over three months before it was in bloom. Amir had died though and with him her desire to tend the garden.

Jennifer lifted the cup and starred at the remainder of liquid left. For a moment, Jennifer thought she saw Amir's reflection in the tea cup. But the image quickly faded into the swirls of the tea dregs. Still, it was nice to think that in some special way he was looking out for her. She rose from the table and washed her cup out in the sink then placed it on the rack to dry. Jennifer rested her palms on the edge of the sink and braced herself for the day ahead. Already it did not feel like a typical Thursday morning. Jennifer let out a deep breath and walked into her bedroom to get her things. She had wanted to stop in her office building in order to check if the Women's International League for Peace and Freedom had gotten back to her on the tickets for the lunch and learn. Today was the last day she was able to take R.S.V.Ps.

Jennifer stepped into the hallway of the CLWO building. She had long been involved in women's rights and was now the vice president of the Council for Lebanese Women's Organizations. Her main priority was to help women's groups promote equal education, religious marriages without conversion, and to provide women with opportunities to shape the political future of Lebanon. In some ways, despite Lebanon's reform government, the organization involved high risk. There were still many in Lebanon who argued that women did not and should not have equal rights. Most of that had changed since Lebanon had granted women the right to vote in 1953. Still, Jennifer was constantly on the lookout for ways to educate more women.

Jennifer picked up the newspaper lying on one of the staff desks and perused the articles and headlines. A small ad caught her eye. The Schazchar Museum was boasting of a new exhibit titled, "In Allah's Hands." The newspaper explained that the exhibit explored the mysticism of pre-Islamic culture. Jennifer was interested in the exhibit for her women's groups and therefore decided to stop by the museum and view the exhibit for herself. She cut out the newspaper article, checked her message, confirmed the RSVPs for the lunch and learn and headed to the market town to pick up some fresh produce for dinner.

*****

"Farrah, did you feel that presence last night?" Jennifer's interested piqued as she eavesdropped on the conversation in the market town.

"Rahna, I am too old to feel anything anymore. Besides, jinn live among us all the time. What made last night so special?" Farrah turned to her older friend and patted her on the shoulder.

Rahna's eyes widened and her lower lip began to tremble. "It was him. The most high."
Jennifer strained to hear the last of her words but the two women had disappeared into the market throng and Jennifer could no longer see where they had gone. Jennifer knew about jinn. They were the spirits and although not all were evil, some most certainly were. Jennifer continued to walk along the market path nonchalantly passing stalls as she wondered what presence Rahna had sensed last night. A hand lightly brushed against her shoulder. Jennifer quickly spun around to see who it might have been. But no one was there. Jennifer shuddered and wrapped her gray shawl tighter around her. She glanced behind her one last time and left the market town.

*****

Iblis paced the path along the outskirts of the city. He needed to find a way to bring her back to where she belonged. She wasn't of their nature. Her place was in the depths of the spirit world. Her place was in his world. Iblis searched in his soul for answers into her character now. What had she done since her escape, where had she gone, who had she loved? In his effort to search for her, he had momentarily forgotten why he needed her back in the first place. Iblis was a being of purpose. What he wanted, he received. Iblis had decided long ago that in order for him to become even more powerful, he had to assert his everlasting influence on all who dwell as humans. She was the key to his influential powers. She had something he did not have and could not have that would help to sway those living in the city. She had life.

*****

Jennifer walked into her home and placed her bags on the kitchen table. Unloading would happen later. She collapsed on the couch in her living space. Magazines were sprawled over her coffee table. She picked up the American Time magazine spilling the remainder on the floor. Jennifer bent down clumsily to pick up the stack of fallen magazines choking back surprise when she realized that one magazine had opened to a page advertising the same museum exhibit. She remembered the newspaper clipping that she had saved from her office and she unfolded the article from her pocket. She was interested in pre-Islamic culture but this was not an exhibit for her, it would be for her work. Jennifer unloaded her groceries and checked her watch.

*****

Iblis praised himself for his plan was perfect. He had hoped the museum exhibit would draw her to him and so it had. As a jinn, Iblis had the ability to take any man's form. If he took the form of her dead husband, he would have a better chance of luring her behind the exhibit and back into the spirit world. There, she would remain trapped. Iblis could hardly contain his excitement as he watched for her entrance just beyond the human realm of the museum and the exhibit. In moments, it would be over.

*****

Jennifer stood at the base of the exhibit transfixed by the olive color and rough shading of the statue. It was the classic story of Allah and the banishment of Iblis. Allah had created Adam from the clay of the earth. When Iblis saw that he was not the first thing Allah created nor was he the most powerful, he got very jealous. For his jealously, Iblis was banished to the underworld and doomed to rule there for all eternity. Jennifer had heard the story before. Since then, legend told that Iblis would only regain a power equal to Allah when he had turned all of mankind against Allah. Jennifer shook her head and laughed at the imaginations of people. It was a great story, but that was all. Just a story.

Jennifer turned to walk away from the exhibit when something caught her eye. Painted on an arrow were the words, "Follow to find Iblis." The arrow pointed around the exhibit. Although there were other people also at the exhibit, could it be that she was the only one who saw the arrow? Intrigued, Jennifer followed the arrow behind the exhibit. She walked cautiously and slowly along a corridor that seemed far longer than the museum building. The pathway was not well lit, but still Jennifer could sense the downward slope. She placed a hand along the wall to steady herself as she continued down. She wanted to turn back, to walk away from this haunted place, but she couldn't. She was compelled to continue. She was drawn to whatever it was that awaited her.
___________
Part 2 below

At 8/30/09 03:42 PM, Lunaful wrote:
Oh in the future I might take you up on the "review you work",if thats okay?

Please do take me up on the offer. I think even when you have just another pair of eyes to check for spelling, grammar, tense, and phrasing changes, you are much more likely to avoid those common mistakes.

You guys have been great so thank you for really giving us the time to properly judge this contest. It has taken awhile because of the nature of the contest. I read all the stories once through, listened to the sound clip, and then re-read all the stories so that I can give them a total score. I have one story left to finish and then I will turn in my scores to gumonshoe.

I will be happy to provide my scores and feedback for anyone who is interested. Please don't be shy to pm me or to respond to this post if you want feedback. There were so many stories for this contest that had great potential. In most cases, just some slight changes would really sharpen the writing so that each of you can reach your full potential as a writer.

In the future, if anyone wants me to look at their story ahead of time and give some comments, I would be more than happy to do so. A lot of the mistakes I saw in this contest were due to mechanical errors in spelling and/or grammar.

I will send gum my scores tonight so that hopefully the contest results will be up tonight or tomorrow. Thanks everyone and good luck!

At 8/22/09 08:49 PM, Lunaful wrote: So no results yet? Just asking to be sure.

I think we should have the results up soon. I am planning on finishing my tallies for scores by Monday night. Therefore, gumOnShoe should have the results a day or two after that. I think I may be the last one to get mine into him so my apologies.

At 8/4/09 10:24 PM, EKublai wrote: So should we just expect this judging to take as long as the june one did?

Hopefully we can get the judging done sooner than the June contest. However, it may take awhile because many judges are now dealing with "real life."

At 7/17/09 06:22 PM, TacticalShoe wrote:

At 7/17/09 05:43 PM, BankingOntheEnemy wrote:
Wow! That is so fascinating. I just did improv today with my classmates at the university. What kind of improv did you do?

Well, they had us write our names down on a list and then they would randomly pick names to ensure that everyone got to work with someone who they didn't know. My friends and I were put into a game where they would randomly stop your scene and change it to try and mess you up.

I worked with a man who I had never met and we ended up being given the scene relationship of being ostrich shavers. At the start, I immediately put on an Irish accent, which threw the guy I was working with for a loop, I think. The scene then went on to be changed to the style of a Dr. Phil show, which was funny enough in itself.

I also did a scene where I played a character that I've made up called The Purple Prankster.

Ha...it sounds a lot more exciting than my improv. We did some fluid movement scenes. I did some theme music to a the question of, "what does a cat do when the owners aren't home," but that was the only improv we did. I miss the real improv chances though.

At 7/17/09 05:33 PM, TacticalShoe wrote: Went to Washington DC last night to perform at an improv comedy open-mic night at the DC Improv comedy club.

Some friends of mine from college showed up and we all performed and got some good laughs. Strangely enough, we got more laughs than the performers who regularly went to the club and had been performing for a much longer time than us.

Wow! That is so fascinating. I just did improv today with my classmates at the university. What kind of improv did you do?

At 7/17/09 05:35 PM, PARABLK wrote: I have a question. So are we basically writing a story based on the beat of a song or are we to think of it like a song writer, telling a story through verses and such based off the tone of the song.

Good question! If it were up to me, I would say that the idea was to write a story such that the underlying beat and tone of the song are addressed. Basically, the song should set the theme. That being said, I think that either would fit within the constraints of the contest.

Granted I am only one judge...so I would hope that Gum would respond to you with the "absolute" answer. But it might give you a place to start in the meantime.

Good luck!

At 7/17/09 04:34 PM, BobbaQ wrote:

Also, I'm Robert and I'm 20. I've recently failed uni for the second and probably last time, me and my sister live with our Granparents due our mother being in the ground and very dead. Both our fathers are as good as dead, the rest of my family are all mad and there's always something going wrong. It's like fate itself has shit on me from a great height. Apart from all that, real ife is just peachy right now.

At 7/17/09 04:42 PM, masterchef56 wrote: Hey, I went to PF Chang's today. Anybody else gone there before?

Hi Robert! Nice to meet you. I'm sorry you feel like life has let you down. I have failed at so many things in my life as well and yet I finally found something I can succeed at (teaching). My name is Stephanie. I am extremely excited because I will finally graduate from my masters program at Brandeis University. It has been a tough journey but I will get my degree in a week.

Also, I wanted to say a hello to masterchef56! I actually don't mind PF Changs, but it is not my favorite restaurant. I think it is a little too greasy.

Anyway, I am new here to the forums but I've been learning more about them every day. Thanks Gum for creating this forum so that we can really get to know others on NG!

Hopefully, this forum can stick around!

At 7/8/09 09:47 PM, gumOnShoe wrote:

At 7/7/09 06:11 PM, Evark wrote: Drag your graduate along with you to the meet, GoS. She can meet all us nerdlings. : b

I'd love to. Again, itinerary! Plan! Something...

I'll be juggling both parents and grandparents (2 sets of each who have spoken in 13 years) all vying for time with the Grad. So, if I'm able to squeeze anything in, it will be highly dependent on where you guys are and when.

Ahem...2 sets of each who have NOT spoken in 13 years...but yes planning will be rather interesting that weekend.

I also have a fear of rollercoasters...though for me the fear is more that I don't breathe on the way down. I have to echo what the others have said before me though. Once you strapped in, there's no going back. I remember one specific time I was at King's Island with my boyfriend and he really wanted to ride "The Beast." I didn't want him to ride it alone and we were there to celebrate his birthday so I agreed to ride it with him. As soon as they had strapped me in, I started saying I wanted to get off but at that point it was too late.

Case and point, I survived but I won't ride it again. It did feel good though to be able to say, "I did it!"

So, is this something you are looking forward to then? You seem like you are a little nervous about the prospect of learning too man songs in a rather short amount of time. Its tough to turn down significant money, but don't overdo it for yourself.

At 5/24/09 01:43 AM, SprintT wrote: The inconsistancys (sp) can be attirbuted to the characters lack of understanding on his own life and his lack of direction.

Alright, that I can understand. In terms of everything else from the other post, I got that by the end of the note he was considering suicide, but not that it was a suicide note. To clarify something, one thing I did like about your story was that it was written as a thought process. I see thought process and actually writing something down (as in a suicide note) very different styles of writing. Perhaps just something to think about.

Please understand, I am not claiming I am an expert in writing. I am just trying to give a little feedback for the contest.

I will submit my own piece soon and feel free to critique that if you so choose.

Good luck!

At 5/21/09 01:23 PM, ForNoReason wrote: OK, before I get to far into this, I wanted to get some first opinions on my story. Not much so far but this is the style it is going to be written in.

My take on this is that there is a lot you still need to add to this. I think your first paragraph could be less contemplative and more descriptive. That being said, I really like the detail imagery you use in the second paragraph. I had a great mind picture of water and grease dripping off of a piece of hair. Not exactly a pleasant image, but a realistic one. I wonder where your piece is going from here. What conflict will your character face?

That is the meat of the story. Give another shot at an opening paragraph that will be more of a hook for your story.

At 5/22/09 11:23 PM, SprintT wrote: Time spent: Not long.
Effort placed into peice: You decide
Words: 700 and change
Guidlines: Check
Author notes: I took a verbal shit on my screen. Enjoy.
(Rough draft don't complain about errors)

Interesting story. There are a couple grammar and spelling errors in the story as well as several inconsistencies. That being said, the story is intriguing. I think your strength is that you connect the story to the reader. This seems to be an "average joe" type of lifestyle. My question is why bother to write it in the first place? You don't have to answer the question but you have to know the answer for yourself. If you keep it in mind, it will automatically translate into your writing. Is this actually your entry or will you edit it somewhat before placing it in the entries thread?

At 5/17/09 06:18 AM, Haoie wrote: As usual, none of you kiddies have day jobs and responsibilities.

So, I have a day job. I teach little kids. I try to go to bed anywhere between 11-12 but more likely I go to sleep at about 1. I have to wake up at 5 during the weekdays so that I can get to work on time. My average amount of sleep per night is about 4.5 hours. Which is not good.

My favorite day was when I stayed up to work on my costume (for a Jewish holiday) and ended up going to bed at 3 am just to wake up at 5 am. It was so much fun to be running around on two hours of sleep on one of the craziest days of the year. I will say that more sleep than that and I probably wouldn't have been able to really have fun with the costume I inevitably came up with for that day.

Let's see, my first kiss was horrid.

The more romantic kiss was my first kiss with my current boyfriend. We had been in the practice of hugging after hanging out for the evening. One night I gave him a hug as usual and kissed his cheek. He turned towards me but wouldn't let up his grip so that I could pull away. He had the biggest puppy dog eyes and I gave in. We had our first real kiss and we consider that night our official anniversary. I've been dating him now for 3 and 1/2 years. I still tease him about the puppy dog eyes that made me give in.

Congratulations to the winners...all great entries! I'm sorry I didn't give my feedback and comments (even though I wasn't a judge) for this competition. I did read some of the stories as well as the winning pieces. I don't know if gum is planning on posting a new contest for May, but hopefully I will be more active in that competition.