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At 12/22/14 10:02 PM, 8madness wrote: As far as I know, only José Saramago puts dialogue between the narration, and he still separates them with commas, but you slipped past that.
It's great for a casual read, Didn't feel that much athmosphere but it works.
A subtle WTF moment to end the story worked excellent. It made me satisfied. Continuing this story would ruin it.

♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠ out of 10♠

Yes, I must agree. Though words are typed on a great brief, I can say that this story is far more like an ordinary story.
I can assure this story's good, for short. Good work on the effort.

I'm going to animate a Teaser which I had planned like half a decade ago, not sure what to do.
So I learned on movements and stuff, I'm capable of smooth movement in animations.

My last problem is: I'm not actually sure if I should add an outline to it; I'm afraid it would look a little sketchy and messy, but if I didn't, it'll look lifeless.

Ah, nice phrases. Related to something, or you just made it all up?
Anywho, it's good. I like the 3rd one, because it strangely bugs me. That or because there's something funny with the grammar.
I was thinking more of a "I sustain myself from your fears", but either way's great.

Looking forward for the next five.

The intro looks nice.
The comment about "super-biological"s alright by me.
Looking forward to your works, ms.

Lazy writing for what? Doesn't make sense much, won't cover up on what big project you're working on.

What I see here is another school rumble, nothing else.

Is that how he really talks on the way you set it? I see some errors though, but it won't be unless if that's how he really talks.

Anywho, conclusion to your writing is: It's abstract.(Eh, it's lazy writing, so it could be a thumbs up in my other side.)

Wow, that complete stalk.
lel, thanks.
I am looking forward to your other works. Support? I'll be happy to oblige.

Ah, I also make a novel out of Caravaneer 2. But it's a novel and not a short story. Click my signature for more information, thanks.

And also, quite a good story are those indeed.

At 8/6/14 07:12 AM, TomJason wrote:

Bob, I think they already pointed it out. That's not necessary.

And if I mean by 'that' I mean trying to re-live the whole feed.

At 8/5/14 06:00 PM, bobbillin wrote:

/end sarcasm

Bob, I think they already pointed it out. That's not necessary.

At 7/29/14 07:31 PM, beakerboy wrote:

yeah it is not supposed to be detailed in that regard. This is flash fiction, not a short story.
thanks for the support, pretty soon I'll write the second part, which will be more on the nightmarish side.

Well, I'm just glad you appreciate the support(Though you jumped into conclusions earlier, nice entry.)

So I read the first part; and yes, it lacks of details on the settings and characters.

So yeah, try to detail your story(Because honestly, imagining abstractedly on characters has different combinations on how they would look like.) as much as possible, but not too detailed though.

And I didn't completely compared your work and all(Because bitches be reading disgusting eroticas on trend) though you must think that I actually tried to offend you, well I'm not, I'm trying to support you.

So what's this short story about?
Please show the link of Vol.1, kinda' lost here. Until then, feedback is right below:
( )= Side notes/optional

1. Erotica was obviously shown, almost as if it's 50 shades of gray, correct? You may want to hold onto original erotica. Ripe ideas are better than rotting ideas below the tree of thoughts.
2.Lacking of details of characters(Unless the details of the characters are already explained, after all this is 'Vol. 2')
-Also, because of lacking of details, I assume most readers will find this E.S hard to get an erection or whatsoever.
3.Intro was lacking of details (Well unless the details had been already explained, because jumping to places w/out any background could be very confusing)

Summary: Just stick with detailing characters and unique work.

P.S: will be waking up like 12 hours from now, may not reply on time.
If you present me more of your works (Yeah, I'm not a fan of sexual-themed stories) I'll try to look forward to it and support it.

Eh, it's been a while since I give feedback/support for other stories.

No advises need to be told, details are good and not too over-detailed.
However, there's one fact to be told and the fact is, it's a "Journal story" that you're writing.
I noticed that you made the small talks long, and it's supposed to be summarized into something related to the story itself. No more no less of adding "side talks" with the characters.

Take my work for an example; instead of making long talks that relates to the plot of the story I summarized it into something short, because some will get bored if they kept on reading the same discussion the protagonist interprets to the characters who are "plot-rigged"

But I understand your way on writing a Journal story, just adding a little advice.
I support your work, sir.

So here's an update to my novel, Parts 1-3 is up and running. It's located to a Facebook page. There are previews about parts 1-3 in my D.A acc.

There'll be a short preview to my other novels and IS original, somewhere around the end of July.

Also, I'm still working on a Teaser, which will be done somewhere around the end of July or August. And it WILL affect my other schedules for the novels and projects that I'm working on.

Again, support will be appreciated. Updates are either located in D.A or my Profile itself. Thanks for reading this, have a good day!

LINKS:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Books-directory-by-Jason/366866866790403 The Literature directory
http://tomjason.deviantart.com/ My D.A ACC.

Well this is it for now, thanks for the suggestions I appreciate it. This thread is closed for now.

At 6/20/14 05:05 AM, TomJason wrote: Is there a way to remove foreground sounds or someway to edit its volume?

I mean if there's like a tool I could use, a software, a studio; anything that removes the Foreground volume completely. I appreciate the other tips though.

Is there a way to remove foreground sounds or someway to edit its volume?

Thanks, man.

So I had been going through a lot of scratches and storyboards for my upcoming series soon, and first I will need to make a teaser or trailer for it, and it'll be very short. But my problem is, I have no ABSOLUTE idea what kind of animation tool that I'll use to animate; If anyone could help me out of this, thanks, I appreciate it.

A small feedback, if you won't mind.

Polishingwould be appropriate, if it's a W-I-P I suggest that you should just add samples instead of posting it all. I mean, the punctuation style of yours is quite... let's just say adequate, since the last story you'd written before. Because to be honest I imagine how the protagonist talks, taking deep breaths and then moving on to another phrase.

And speaking of protagonists and other secondary characters, I still imagine their faces being nothing but blank except the other description on what they look like "Burnt lips, etc..." And so I did imagine a face with a burnt lips, and hair being blonde; but are there anymore? Is he old, is he European, is he old or not? Frankly, this one takes the cake.

Also, there are some mistakes too, I sense that there's a rush to your writings.

But keep in mind, I'm not discouraging you or whatsoever, I'm just giving you advise and other tips. Remember that practise never makes perfect, but it is the main priority of patient man/woman and also your potential power.

I'd like to look forward to your other works in case if your power increased.

At 6/7/14 12:17 PM, loves2spew wrote:

My god, a forum where i actually get...HELPFUL criticism?!?!

Anyways, thank you, I'll use that to help fix some WIPs

It's not helpful criticism, but a feedback.

Have you considered to describe the characteristics of the protagonist? I just imagine it as like in a body of a teen and a hollow face. I advise you to give the protagonist with more details.

And I advise that there should be proper use of Punctuation marks, because you can't keep using commas and periods over and over.

The story is good as raw, too many descriptions with inanimate objects and most of it doesn't have to do with anything about the plot.

But since you put the right words in the vase (Well I'd say at least) I'll give you 3/5 for your short story.

I'll be posting fragmented parts of the novel (For those who read the choppy version in the forum, that's what I'm talking about) in facebook ('Cuz I don't have any idea where else I could post the rtf's)

So here's the link for my books directory:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Books-directory-from-Jason/366866866790403?ref=hl

Support will always be appreciated, and no, I don't need any help writing the story :))
Thanks again, see you, guys!

And then, a huge mushroom like cloud appeared from a distance.
Turns out to be a nuclear rocket which struck the whole place.
Everyone died in the area.

The end.

Roses are reds
Green are reds
Gray are reds
...I'm colourblind.

At 5/29/14 10:17 AM, Krash17 wrote:

At 5/29/14 08:25 AM, TomJason wrote: So I'm new with these download things, and I wonder; how could I download an rtf file?

Rtf is just"rich text format". Rtf files can be opened with Microsoft Word or WordPad. Thanks for your interest!

No, not like get the rtf itself, but to download the rtf into the server.

So I'm new with these download things, and I wonder; how could I download an rtf file?

At 5/25/14 11:43 AM, Krash17 wrote:

1st page
I'm awake to see it

Author: Tom Jason

Hey Tom, hope you don't mind if I give you a little feedback.

There are a lot of good ideas here. I'm interested to know more about how the future got this way, it seems like things have degenerated to almost a tribal level in this area (correct me if I'm wrong). Your format is a little weird, all the page numbers breaking everything up is really distracting. I would have liked to see more descriptions; there was a ton of dialogue in this, but it all felt very narrow. With a few exceptions I feel like I was looking at a character in the face, talking to them, with total tunnel vision.

I would really like to see this world expanded with more detail and to have the format polished up, correct some spelling and grammar errors. If you have a finished product at some point and would like some help editing for spelling and grammar, I'd be happy to help. There is a group some folks are putting together here on NG, trying to get writers to collaborate and give each other ideas, provide critiques and advice to one another, and give us projects to work on. You should check them out, and if you decide to join, tell them I sent you. Hope to see you there, and good luck!

Check us out here, we'd be happy to work with you.

-Krash, WNG

Yes I know, the format is fragmented and it doesn't matter at this point; it's the story that matters. Note, the story shares the same world as Caravaneer, that's why it is highly recommended to finish (Or at least experienced) the game and why it is divided into ethnic groups. And yes, some protagonists are unimaginable for a moment, and it's because I'm focusing on the story.

But anywho, thank you for the feedback, you really lightened my vault a little and gave me a little idea on the story; so thank you.

At 5/25/14 04:13 PM, krazedkaracter wrote:

At 5/25/14 03:37 PM, whiz85 wrote: I like this poem; it's simple and pretty funny. The only problem I can immediately see is the lowercase 'i' in the second line. Other than that, nice work Krash!

Whaa fuckin' whaa nazi prick.

I mean he has a point, great writing is really effective.

Also, the polished version is done but not released yet.
It'll be posted on Facebook, I kindly need some support on this one.

Thanks again for reading, happy reading!