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I've read through the thread, and I haven't seen a definitive answer to these questions.

What if I post my story to another forum (I still keep all the copyrights) to get criticism and help with editing? After I get my outside help, I'll submit the edited version to the anthology. So while a rough version will be floating around free online, a slightly different, more polished version will be in the anthology. Is this okay?

Also, are our real names published, or are our usernames in there? Or is it a combination of both?

At 8/25/10 06:03 PM, earphonesan wrote: Right, SO... I've given it some thought, and rewrote the fourth part. Hopefully, this will make more sense.
Comments?

Much better. Just about everything that was wrong with the previous version has been fixed here. Everything makes sense, the narration is smooth, and the action is solid. In fact, I have almost nothing bad to say for this one. It was a very good chapter. But there is one thing that I do want to address.

This felt like filler; there was very little plot progression. Yeah, she decided to go home and she met some guy, but nothing was resolved from the previous chapter. With serials, you want to resolve the cliffhanger from the last chapter and make a new cliffhanger for the next one. At the very least, you want to start a definite resolve from the previous problems. You've been pumping out stories relatively quickly, so it's not that vital for you to follow my suggestions. But it is something you need to think about when writing in order to make the reader feel full enough to be content, but hungry enough to keep them coming back. If you need any further explanation on that, just ask.

But other than that, keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great.

At 8/24/10 11:07 PM, earphonesan wrote: Yeah, like TheThing said, I'm bummed you let the villains win. Never do that mate.

Now hold on. I actually liked that the villains won. It was refreshing to see the bad guys win, and, if Gratock hadn't put it in the beginning, would have been a real surprise. Not everything has to have a happy ending, and all too often fantasy stories have the good guys winning.

Besides, it keeps the reader moving through the piece. They want to see when the hero comes in and destroys the army, and they keep reading on to see when that happens. And when it doesn't, it leaves this huge, empty feeling in the reader. Good storytelling will make the reader feel something, this piece does just that.

ANYONE WHO SKIPPED AHEAD TO SEE THE REVIEW - READ THE STORY, IT'S REALLY GOOD.

Here is some basic formatting for Newgrounds:

- Always use a double return in between paragraphs. That way, there's a space between the previous paragraph and the next one. The way I have this review set up is how it should be done.

- When doing a line to divide your story from your comments, only do a few dashes, or separate then by a space every once in a while. As you can see, Newgrounds will drop any continuous text to the next line after X amount of characters.

Newgrounders will be more willing to read a story when formatted as above.

Alright, now for the actual review.

I'll excuse the occasional bad grammar or strange word ordering, since English isn't your first language. I would try to fix it, but that would take a long time to do, and I would prefer if I reviewed your work as a whole, rather than try to correct something you would need a teacher to fix. But for English as your second language, you have an amazing vocabulary and understanding of what descriptions should be used where. If half of the writers here used the word choice you do reviewing stuff wouldn't be such a chore.

Secondly, you shouldn't have spoiled the plot for us. I kept waiting for the "and then the hero arrived. He slaughtered the beasts singlehandedly", but it never came. And that is a powerful thing; the anticipation of an event, only to find that it doesn't happen. The disappointment is astounding; as a human, I naturally sympathize with the humans in the story, and despise the black creatures. And to have them succeed was a devastating tragedy.

That said, I think you put too much into having the dragon kill most of the army. I think without having a true hero in the story, the dragon became that hero, even though he died and didn't defeat the entire army. Tone down how many he killed; half the army, plus thousands of others died? That would leave even modern armies with barely anyone left to fight. Have it end like the scene with the mages; the black army took some losses, but nothing could really put a dent in the numbers of the army. I think with a change like that, it would make the ending that much more grim.

I loved your story. It was incredibly well written, well thought-out, and fresh-yet-familiar. It didn't drag on; in fact, I want to read more of it. The only shame is that because of the format and sometimes-difficult grammar, many people won't read it or finish it. If you had a native English speaking editor, this would be a top-notch story.

This was kind of boring. There was no emotion, nothing that made it interesting, it was just...there.

To start, you try to create false drama by introducing a needless almost-car crash at the beginning. In fact, this rule applies to much of this story - only include what's important to the story. Whether it's vital to the plot, characterization, or setting, keeping the story succinct is vital to holding the reader's attention. So unless that car crash is a reason for Mark to head to the motel (he's tired, the weather's too bad to drive in, etc), you need to get rid of that, or communicate the importance (have Mark say "I need to find a place to sleep; I'm going to crash if I try to stay awake and drive", or something along those lines)

Secondly, don't laundry list all the details. Like before, keep the details to what's important. For example, when Mark enters his motel room, you just say "there was a..., a...., and a.... in the room". Keep it to the things he's going to interact with. We've all seen the inside of a motel/hotel room, and the opening description of the motel helps form the picture of a shitty place. You don't need to list everything in there. And when you do present it, don't just say "there was...". Say, "Mark looked around the dingy room, and, not seeing anything worthwhile to do, sat on the bed. Search the nightstand, he found the Gideon's Bible in one of the drawers. Having never read a Bible before, he opened the hard cover to find a hollowed-out space where the Lord's Words should have been." Suddenly, I'm more interested in the story because every word I'm reading is now important. I don't care that there's a 15 inch TV in the room; I want to know what the hell Mark is doing.

The taser itself is a bit underpowered. I'm no expert, but tasers will either knock you out cold, or cause you to lose all muscle control for a period of time. Like I said, I'm no expert, so there may be tasers out there that just cause pain and numbness, or do that if the battery is low, but as far as I know, this taser isn't 100% accurate.

Finally, what was the point of this story? Some emo psychopath goes to a motel, finds a taser, shocks himself a few times, and then finds out he's being chased by the cops? There's no story elements here. Where's the climax? Why are the cops chasing him? Why do I care? You need to make this story longer and flesh out some more of the plot points. This will allow the reader to understand more of the story, and more of the character.

Overall, this was not very good. It's a halfway decent start for a beginner, but if you're going for a college program, I hope the rest of the application was much better. This feels like a small part of an 8th grader's story. There are plenty of other smaller things that I could touch on, but that would take way too long. I don't want to discourage you; with more practice and criticize, you'll improve, but right now, you need a lot of work.

What, no preview of this?

You didn't have the ability to copy and post this in a new topic?

I'll be the first helpful review. Or try to be helpful. It may not be helpful, but the intentions are there. I just want you to know that.

To put it more politely than FUNK, you do need to fix your rhymes. While a few are more natural (although a tad cliche), there are some that feel too forced. I understand you wrote this very quickly, but if you ever decide to revise it, the rhyming definitely needs to be fixed first. When I sit down and write (well, more like try to write) a rhyming poem, I set out each line, then work a rhyme into it. For instance, try this love poem couplet I made up:

I start my getting my ideas down:

I love your laugh
And the way you talk

Then shoehorn in a rhyme:

I loved your response to a joke
and that lovely way you spoke.

Once you get down the rhyming, you need to get a consistent rhyme scheme down. While a changing rhyme scheme could be a stylistic and meaningful thing to do, you clearly didn't have anything deeply metaphorical about this poem. I could maybe pull something out, but I know nothing's there. Anyway, get your rhyme scheme straight; if you're going AABB, stick to AABB. Don't start out as AAAA then go to AABB.

Overall though, I liked it. It was funny in a rather sad way. We've all had those topics that never really lasted too long, if at all, and I think this poem resonates with 99% of Newgrounds. While it's not deep, it's fun, and when you're not one, you should be the other. I think with another hour or so, you could have a really good poem.

At 8/21/10 12:48 AM, LordJaric wrote:

At 8/21/10 12:41 AM, TheThing wrote: protesting the homosexual scourge that the military is protecting.

The military, protecting homosexuality, ha.

That's the way they see it.

At 8/21/10 06:52 AM, Proteas wrote:

At 8/21/10 12:41 AM, TheThing wrote: They do it because they can, and they get people like you fired up and angry. They're attention whoring trolls; they're getting more attention by doing something controversial, like protesting at a funeral.

Sort of like... you, who just tried his best to get such a reaction from me?

No, I wasn't trying to get a reaction from you. and if you feel I was, it was unintentional. I was just trying to explain why what they're doing is legal. I said it much earlier that I disagree with what they are doing, but they have the ability to, along with justification.

At 8/18/10 11:25 PM, Proteas wrote: WHY ARE THEY SUCH HORRIBLE PEOPLE WHO PROTEST IN FRONT OF FUNERALS

They do it because they can, and they get people like you fired up and angry. They're attention whoring trolls; they're getting more attention by doing something controversial, like protesting at a funeral.

If they protested at a military base, or a GLBT Center, they'd just be another group protesting in front of the building. But at a funeral, they're Westboro Baptist Church, protesting the homosexual scourge that the military is protecting.

At 8/19/10 02:19 PM, VGmasters wrote: People just like writing for fun. It's not like I'm trying to publish something. I just do it because I like to do it. You could make any form of writing as random as you want.

If you don't want your shit reviewed, then don't post it here. If you want to write for fun, go ahead. There are plenty of people that write for fun. But if you post it here, you're going to get critiqued. People are going to tell you how to make it better, and possibly how to make your overall writing better.

At 8/20/10 04:05 PM, Jackdabomb wrote:

At 8/19/10 02:13 PM, TheThing wrote: Focus on a few ideals of what you believe to be a real woman, make sure they don't contradict, and make the lines strong and empowering.

Actually I think it'd be more artistic if they were to contradict, giving the idea that there is no perfect woman or that woman can never please what society expects of them. Something like that.

That's actually a good thought, although I still think this poem needs to be shortened.

At 8/19/10 03:13 PM, SlipperyMooseCakes wrote:

At 8/18/10 09:21 PM, TheThing wrote: Would it help if I told you that I used to work at Subway? Or allowed you to sex with my sister?

Only if your sister is a man. Or you show me your tits.

Compromise - I send you a pic of my dick completely covered in jeans.

I guess I'll just post them here and first come first serve. I'll post how/where to redeem them. Hopefully you guys get something cool out of it, more than likely not.

I'll get right on that pic.

What can I say?

To start, this was way to long. To be honest, I didn't even bother to finish it. Try cutting out some of the "lesser lines" to make this more streamlined and to make it better overall. To make it easier to cut stuff out, try to keep the verb of each line different, unless you're going for some stylistic thing. You can use a thesaurus to help you, but if nothing works, get rid of it.

Also, keep each line short. I think it would benefit if you just had "A real woman (verb) (1-3 words)". There shouldn't be any "and"s or commas. For example, the line "A real woman enjoys love and sex" should be either love or sex, but not both on the same line.

But I'm not sure how much that's going to help. "A real woman" has been the topic of discussion in books, movies, music and especially poetry for the last 50 years (rising and falling with the waves of feminist movements). You would have to do something truly unique and different for it stand out. At the very least, have some strong, empowering line at the end, like "a real woman is me" (it's cool if you're a guy; the speaker is the one who's saying that, not you, the writer). Something that's going to punch the reader in the face and yell "you love this shit!"

But right now, all I see is a list of sentences. There's no emotion behind them, nothing that screams "real women are you and me; the average person". In fact, you jump around, saying that a real woman goes to the gym every day, but she has curves. So a real woman's efforts are futile? (there are other examples, but that jumped out at me). Focus on a few ideals of what you believe to be a real woman, make sure they don't contradict, and make the lines strong and empowering.

Damn it, this should have been with the other post.

At 8/18/10 12:38 PM, Proteas wrote:

At 8/18/10 08:53 AM, SadisticMonkey wrote: because it involves private property...

Is a cemetary not private property?

The point being that your right to free speech ends when you start harassing people. We have laws against criminal harassment, that's what Phelps and his group's activities should fall under.

They aren't protesting a particular person or the family of a person. They're protesting the US military. And they just so happen to be outside the cemetery (as in, across the street, on the sidewalk, etc.), and just so happen to be protesting on the same day and time as a funeral.

At 8/18/10 08:15 AM, Proteas wrote:

At 8/16/10 10:01 PM, TheThing wrote: I mean, as far as I know, in the eyes of the law, a funeral is no different a ceremony than the opening of a public park.

Except that in the case of opening a public park, it's a public ceremony that the general public is invited to attend. A funeral is generally considered a private ceremony that is not open-invite, and while not on the funeral grounds itself, Phelps' intention is to protest and harass or cause grief to the individuals in the funeral.

Fine, it's no different than the opening ceremony of an abortion clinic, or a Starbucks, or something else objectionable and private. A ceremony is a ceremony in the eyes of the law. And you may say the intentions of the protesters is to harass and cause further grief, but they will say it is to protest the acceptance of gays in America, and this is the most effective way to get that message across.

So I'm going to have to say that, no, this should not be protected free speech. We don't allow people to call us up at home every night trying to sell us shit we don't want to by, we don't allow

But these people are on public property, which means they have the ability to assemble and to express whatever views they want, where ever they want. As long as they don't impede the procession or trespass, they can protest.

At 8/18/10 01:33 PM, SlipperyMooseCakes wrote: Here's the catch, I work at Subway and have a shitload of stickers/codes lying around. I don't have too much of an interest but I'd be more than happy to hook you guys up with some codes. I'll see what I can do.

Would it help if I told you that I used to work at Subway? Or allowed you to sex with my sister?

The problem with this case is that it's trying to regulate morality. It's seen as immoral to protest a funeral in general, let alone a soldier's funeral. But who are we to decide that? Westboro Baptist decided that it was okay to protest a funeral, as long as they were protesting against homosexuality.

Actually, in a way, the arguments in favor of gay marriage are protecting their right to protest it.

It seems my plan to throw enough insults and jokes at the people here worked beautifully.

At 8/17/10 05:11 AM, Captain-Ben wrote:

At 8/17/10 02:02 AM, TheThing wrote: (a real mod, not that piece of shit Ben) and delete any future posts you might make here.

'C

You know I love you. <3

At 8/17/10 05:28 AM, BobbaQ wrote:

At 8/17/10 02:02 AM, TheThing wrote: 31244, I'm going to give you a few pointers on how to post. If you can't listen, you're going to be kicked out. If you haven't noticed, we try to keep our posts looking nice.

Dude, you're wasting your time. His username is all numbers, he's beyond our help.

You never know. But I at least want to try. Besides, 1 PM to Tom and you get a new username. I used to be thething69 back in the day, and I think I turned out okay. Maybe.

At 8/17/10 11:52 AM, Nev wrote:

At 8/16/10 05:37 PM, TheThing wrote: Like I said, decent. It did what it had to do, and nothing more.

But I don't count 'decent' and 'awful' as the same thing :P.

Meh, matter of opinion.

At 8/17/10 02:02 AM, TheThing wrote: a dick (TheMaster)

I always thought he was the dinosaur one.

Yeah, but he's a dick about dinosaurs, amongst other things.

At 8/17/10 07:11 AM, TheMaster wrote:

At 8/17/10 02:02 AM, TheThing wrote: a dick (TheMaster)

I can't help being right all the time!

But much like scetch, we love you for it.

At 8/17/10 01:59 AM, Samen wrote: Can I order just the sticker by itself? Because I already own like two aluminum water bottles, I don't need a third.

You could have looked on the site yourself, but no. You can order the bottles, the drinks with a bottle, but you can't order the sticker. You might be able to pull the sticker off the drink packaging and use that. I'll get back to you on that.

The desktop thread may be the oldest, but the Where Is/How To? Level up! Lounge has the most pages and posts, followed by the Anime Club

31244, I'm going to give you a few pointers on how to post. If you can't listen, you're going to be kicked out. If you haven't noticed, we try to keep our posts looking nice.

1. Grammar. Capital letters go on proper nouns and at the beginnings of sentences. Watch for subject-verb agreement. Use paragraphs to break up your posts based on the ideas you're presenting to make it easier for the reader to comprehend what you're saying. Use commas, periods, semi-colons, and dashes correctly.

2. Proof read. Make you spelled everything correctly. Make sure you used the right words. Make sure you didn't majorly fuck up anything in your post. I like to use the "Teacher Test"; would I be willing to hand this post in to be graded by a teacher (not based on content)?

3. Add humor to your posts. It's hard to get noticed in this thread; you either have to be a faggot (scecth00 [no, we will never let you live down your actions in this thread, but that's why we love you]), a dick (TheMaster), or hilarious (Jerkapotamus). The rest of us fight whatever attention we can get, and adding humor is the easiest way to get noticed without alienating yourself.

If you don't learn quick, we'll can easily call a mod over (a real mod, not that piece of shit Ben) and delete any future posts you might make here.

Wow, I was expecting more "tl;dr" posts than just 4/5.

If you guys remember, there was a video parodying energy drink ads. It advertises a (previously) fictional product called Powerthirst. Well, the group that created the video actually sell a Powerthirst drink now, forgetting about the irony in doing so.

Well, against my better judgment, I decided to buy some.

Hey! Do you want to feel so energetic?

You can only order the drink online, and you can only buy it from the site as 12 pack, 24 pack or 36 pack. Buying in bulk is only for convenience; the only discount is buying the 36 pack. It comes as 2 oz powder that should be mixed in 16 oz of water. You also get a 17 oz metal water bottle with every order.

As far as flavors, only Original (citrus) is availible, but the site promises Shocklate (chocolate) and Rawberry (strawberry) to be coming soon. But who knows how long that's been up.

The price is a bit off-putting. It's $19.99 for the 12 pack and canteen, plus $9.99 for shipping. And the fact that it's in Canadian Dollars doesn't help; the exchange rate is deceptively low, with me saving $.55 on the smallest package. For a drink you have to mix yourself, it's a little pricey. I wouldn't go as far as to say it's over-priced, but you many not find it to be worth it.

The delivery'll be so fast Mother Nature will be like "slow down", and they'll listen

The time it took to ship makes me think that Kenyan-fast babies ran it to my house. 14 days after I placed my order, the box arrived. It comes in a US Postal Service box, and inside is a clear plastic bag with all my stuff. But my address was handwritten, which made me feel special and appreciated.

The first I noticed was the smell. It's the smell of super-sweet sugar that is now hanging around my house like the bad cologne your dad uses too much of. Each clear, 2 oz bag has a Powerthirst sticker super-glued to the front and nutrition facts on the back. The canteen has the same sticker glued on the front, with the phrase "UNCOMFORTABLY ENERGETIC" underneath.

It's like crystal meth in a can! It's crystal meth in a can!

The powder itself is a strange lime green color, and has the consistency of crushed Pop Rocks. I tried a tiny amount of the powder by itself, and I could feel my heart beating faster almost immediately. This was going to be awesome.

Before I mixed it, I decided to read the nutrition facts. Surprisingly, it has less calories and sugar than 1 can of Monster Energy Drink, but twice the sodium. But 2 out of 3 ain't bad. It also has 190 mg of caffeine, 30 more than Monster. You can decide if that's good or bad. But it's the warnings that really draw your attention - you're advised to only drink 1 of these per day (compared to most energy drinks that say no more than 3), and that it shouldn't be mixed with alcohol (goodbye Powerthirst-Jager bombs and Vodka-and-Powerthirsts!). As an amateur energy drink aficionado, my excitement grew like a 13 year old's dick at a strip club at these warnings.

And let me tell you, I was not disappointed.

I put the powder in the canteen since I'm too lazy to measure out 16 oz. As water went in, a light green froth bubbled up at me. This must be what they used in the mid-90's as a cheesy effect in a mad scientist's lab. I closed the lid and shook vigorously, doing the same motion a 13 year old at strip club would use. The initial fizz should have warned me; I stupidly twisted the cap and got sprayed with some sticky juice, much like a stripper in a club where a 13 year old is present.

The color morphed once again into a semi-translucent dark green. The flavor is reminiscent of Amp Energy Drink (but somehow worse), and for all the bubbles that opened up the show, it was surprisingly flat. But I was quickly welcomed to the effects of this marvelous tonic. I was awake, alert, and had "gratuitous amounts of energy". If I checked my heart rate, it would easily be 10-15 beats higher than this. I could detect the effects for a solid 2 hours or so. That's about 2-4 times longer than most energy drinks . But that's probably just from overloading the drink with energy.

When God gives you lemons, you find a new god

I can't say that I could recommend it to everyone. It's got a decent flavor and a lot of energy. But anyone who doesn't have a high tolerance for sugar and caffeine should avoid this unless you enjoy heart arrhythmia. And the pricing and the amount of drinks you have to buy pushes away those looking to have it once or twice.

If you found the video to be funny, and have $30 that would otherwise be feeding your cocaine addiction, and enjoy energy drinks, order this. If you don't meet this criteria, move on. It's more or less a gag gift.

At 8/16/10 10:24 PM, bobsaget4life wrote: Yes an existing mosque already exists. Why the need for the new one.

Actually, it's a community center, not an actual house of worship. But for all intents and purposes, it's a mosque.

Why the need for the insensitivity.

Only bigoted idiots find it insensitive.

I heard that there was talk about it opening on 9/11. I'm pretty sure I even saw it in this thread, maybe in another one closely related.

I'm sure it's the same person who said that the health care bill will kill old people. I don't know the opening date, but I doubt that it's going to be on 9/11

They did it in the NAME of their God.

I've used this argument before, so I'll use it again here. After the health care bill passed, members of the Tea Party made open threats to Senators, destroyed offices, and even cut the gas line to a family member of a Senator. Before that, a Tea Partier flew his plane into an IRS building, killing 1. They did that in the name of their ideology. Now, you don't see people trying to ban politically conservative groups from meeting or forming.

The idea that violent and extreme members on the fringe of a group represent the group as a whole is idiotic. Islam is the second largest religion in the world; a very small percentage agree with the actions of the 9/11 hijackers, just as a very small percentage of politically conservative people agree with the actions of the Tea Party terrorists.

You should watch the movie Gattaca. It deals with a future where skilled jobs are only given to those who were genetically engineered, and the problems that it creates.

The problem with genetic engineering is after a 2-3 generations, it won't be needed, as everyone will have the the "best" traits, and breed with the other people with the "best" traits, and create children with the "best" traits. Basically, once genetic engineering becomes mainstream, it'll only take 30-50 years before there to be no more unaltered children.

If you want to look at it from a moral perspective, it's self defense. Like the old addage - "if you don't kill them, they'll kill you". Sure, it's circular logic, but it's the only way to justify what the soldiers are doing.

At 8/16/10 08:55 PM, RubberTrucky wrote: So try every soldier then, not just the ones your side deems evil.

The difference is, is that only officers are being "hunted". Only the people that ordered soldiers to slaughter innocent civilians are being tracked. They aren't being arrested for being Nazis; it's for war crimes.

This is a tough one, but I have to agree with the judge.

While I find Westboro Baptist to be a bunch of bigoted assholes, they do have the right to protest what they want, where they want. As long as they aren't trespassing on private property (the cemetery/church), they should have the ability to express how they feel about the issue.

I mean, as far as I know, in the eyes of the law, a funeral is no different a ceremony than the opening of a public park.

At 8/16/10 10:38 AM, Nev wrote:

At 8/15/10 10:49 PM, TheThing wrote: It brought an Indiana Jones adventure to consoles,

Didn't Tomb Raider do that?
But with tits.

I think Uncharted did a much better job of translating Indiana Jones to consoles than Tomb Raider. Tomb Raider had a different feel than Uncharted/Indiana Jones.

creative platforming with decent gunplay. Those 3 things made it stand out initially.

I thought the gunplay was awful. Its that what killed it for me.

Like I said, decent. It did what it had to do, and nothing more.

At 8/16/10 01:53 AM, earphonesan wrote:

At 8/16/10 12:56 AM, TheThing wrote: I'm glad you've listened to all of our comments, and I find it just as interesting to watch your progress as it is to read the story.

If I've made progress, it's thanks to this kind of constructive (And painfully honest) criticism.

While it may not be given by everyone who reads the works of the Writing Forum, the people who frequent it like to help other writers out.

I'm not overtly fond of getting my writings slammed, but that's often the best thing for it.

It may seem harsh, but just focusing on the stuff that worked doesn't make something better. Yeah, it's nice to hear how good that piece was, but to say why it sucked and how to fix it makes you a better writer.

As stated by me and others, you're a good writer. We're just trying to make you better. I'm also a pompous, douchebaggy know-it-all who believes he's a god-like writer, and is only here to help you poor mortals, and this is part of that.

I guess I should go over the last chapter, and maybe tie up the loose ends.

This is probably the best advice given. When I read this, I thought, "Snap, that's true! She can run 7.5 miles while shot, but can't fight off a weak man, or nurses?"

What I wrote was just a summation of everything I was thinking after the first paragraph. Oh, and something I just thought of to add to those original thoughts; why does the guy who helps her into the hospital not realize that she was just running at super-speeds?

I'll definitely go over that, but there is a reason for her to go to the hospital. While it's a cool idea you mentioned with the bloody self-healing, I don't think it would be as easy to introduce any new characters if she immediately shuts herself up in her apartment.

You do have me there. But there are ways to get new characters out of the apartment route. She stabilizes the wound, but when she goes out to get some actual medical supplies, her leg just can't take it anymore, and gives out. A guy finds her, helps her to her feet, catches a glimpse of her tail. Sammi swears him to secrecy, he treats her wounds, they become forced friends.

Or, avoiding either direction, somebody hears the gunshot, sees that she's hurt and conscious, brings her to his/her house, treats her, befriends her. Either way, the secret is limited to 1 person, and the character can either help her in a larger plot as the sidekick, or be the plot (the person is a secret agent sent to abduct her, etc.)

Whatever the case, you're right, I should just spend some time designing a better plot, and figure out how it'll effect each chapter. That means I probably won't post anything new to this story for a while, but I'm hoping it'll be worth it.

An example an English liked to use about time was Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven. It took him 10 years to write the poem, but it's the epitome of perfection. From rhyme scheme, to meter, to word choice, this poem is by far the most technically perfect poem ever written (whether it's the best poem is up to you). Based on what you've written so far, I'll be waiting to see what you have in store for little old Sammi.

But like I said, you don't have to have an overall plot completely figured out. You can just focus on each chapter. But you need to treat each one like a story, without a resolution or falling action; the exposition is the "catching up" of the previous chapter, then you have the action, and end the chapter with the climax.

To use Chapter 4 (with my revised end) as an example of what you can do: 1)Sammi is shot. She decides to go to hospital. 2) She runs to hospital. 3)Sammi is sent to surgery. I have my story arc for the chapter, with plenty of room for improv, and I've opened the door for chapter 5. Now, in the back of my mind, I'll have an even rougher idea of how I want this story to go, but that will be extremely flexible based on the events of each Chapter.

I really enjoy the character I have here, and I'm hoping I can turn this into an enjoyable read.

It was enjoyable until the story became illogical. Even the fight in Chapter 3 was good storytelling. While I felt it unnecessary, it's a tried-and-true way to make sure that the reader and the author are on the same page about the attributes of the character. It's why James Bond movies always open with a (usually) meaningless gun battle; to establish James Bond as being a badass with elite shooting and fighting skills. You've done the same thing here; you established every aspect of Sammi's character and abilities over the first 3 chapters, along with planting the seeds for the larger plot.

Thanks again for the help.

No problem. Us amateur authors need to help each other out if we want to move up. I'm just sharing what I've learned through school and practice, along with stuff I've noticed in literature.

*NOTE* I'm not sure when you wrote this thing, so you may not care to fix it, but I'm going to review it like you do want to fix it.*END NOTE*

I liked it. It seemed pretty banal in the beginning, but it got much more eloquent by the end. There are a few things I didn't like specifically, but overall this is a very good piece.

I do like that there's something underneath this story. Too often I read the stuff on Newgrounds and other sites that clearly has no message to it, or the message is so obscured that it's impossible to figure out. This, on the other hand, finds that happy medium; it's deep enough for there to be a meaning to it, but it's just shallow enough to clue the reader in on that meaning. It's like a few inches of ice; you can see the object below, but you have to look hard and use your mind to figure out what it its.

What I would like to see is a better explanation of what Az is. At first, I thought you were just breaking a grammar rule and abbreviating "Arizona", when it turns out that Az is a country (or planet, or a province of a country/planet). While it was a nice surprise that Az isn't on Earth (assumedly), you need to clarify that aspect of the story a bit more, otherwise the reader is thinking about where exactly this scientist is, rather than the giant tree. Unless you have some symbolism in the name Az, change it to something a bit less "inspired" by actual places.

Secondly, the description of the tree needs to be better. It's abstract and fleeting. I can't really get a clear picture of this enormous tree sticking out of a desert with island-sized leaves. The description is just too abstract. I do like the metaphors you included, but they aren't a substitute for a solid picture of the scene. Just add a bit more; can the guy see the base? Or the trunk? Or the edge of his world? Can he see the branch the world is sitting on? All of this not only makes it easier for the reader to understand what the fuck is going on, but it also can add to the metaphor of this story, or create a new one.

Third, questions that should be answered within the story. Why is this guy out there for 3 years? shouldn't it take a couple of weeks to see the tree, try to figure it out, then leave? And why is he even in the wasteland for 4 years before that? If he wanted to prove the world was round, why is he walking through a wasteland? Shouldn't he be doing some kind of other experiments? I mean, the science you set up make it seem modern day/future (or at the very least not biblical), so there has to be planes and electronic equipment. Wait; why can nobody see the GIANT TREE THAT IS HOLDING UP DOZENS, IF NOT HUNDREDS, OF OTHER WORLDS?

This would make a great Part 1 or introduction to a longer story. With a few more words, you can fully flesh out Az, it's technology, it's society, and it's people. You can also extend and further explain that metaphor I was talking about at the beginning of the review. But you should definitely continue this piece. It has the potential to get published, if done right, and I think you might be able to do it right.

At 8/12/10 05:50 PM, earphonesan wrote: http://earphonesan.newgrounds.com/news/p ost/506315

I'm glad you've listened to all of our comments, and I find it just as interesting to watch your progress as it is to read the story. But I do has a few issues with this chapter.

From a technical standpoint, everything is good, but I do have 2 issues. For starters, never address the reader unless it's already been established that the narrator is telling a story directly to the reader. I'm talking about the "Wasn't it OBVIOUS that she wasn't alright?" part. The sudden change in narrative takes the reader out of the story. And never, ever use caps lock unless you're abbreviating a proper noun or having a character yelling that particular word(s).

Secondly, try to have a better cliff hanger ending. While "you'll kill yourself!" is dramatic, it doesn't really lend itself to something that would make me eager to read more. Now, if "Sammi felt something enter her right shoulder, and after a few seconds, her mind became fuzzy. She fought less and less, and found the gurney she was being placed on to be exactly what she needed. Her eyelids drooped as a man in a stark white uniform said 'The sedative is taking effect. Get her to surgery now!' And Sammi was quickly rolled into a mystical dreamland.", it would be a good cliff hanger; the reader understands that she's getting the help she needs, resolving this chapter's plot, but at the same time, creates a series of questions in the readers' head. Is her secret exposed? How do the surgeons and nurses handle the secret, if discovered? With that ending, I want to know what's going to happen next. You don't have to use my example, but you do need to add a little bit to the end.

Now that I've explained that stuff, I want to talk about the biggest problem I have with this chapter. The plot. It makes, absolutely, no sense. Nothing logical happens at all. Okay, she's shot, she's bleeding, she needs to fix that. Assuming that she never took the time in her thousand-year existence to learn how to patch herself up, she can either walk the few blocks back to the apartment and do what she can (which could lead to some gruesome descriptions of her trying to get the bullet out). Or she can run 7.5 miles to the hospital and reveal her secret, in order to get proper help. So, as blood is pouring out of her leg and the muscles tightening, she is able to sprint for roughly 7 miles, then when she gets to the hospital, she doesn't want to be there, but is unable use her 7-mile-sprint strength to fend off a nurse or 2. I understand she's injured and scared, but her common sense shouldn't have been effected that much.

Don't worry, it shouldn't be hard to bring this back to Plausible Land. The easiest thing to do is make the hospital closer. With a few keystrokes, it can go from 7.5 miles to 7.5 blocks, or some other, more reasonable distance. Even if you decide to rewrite the chapter, a reasonably distanced hospital would make that thought become more rational. And if you do, have her move slower; if she's injured enough to risk exposing her secret, it has to be pretty bad, and therefore limiting her movement. Then, when she gets to the hospital, Sammi should be complacent; she's faint from the blood loss and pain, and just wants to be healed. Or you can have her go home, and rummage through her apartment to see if she can McGyver some medical instruments. But in either scenario, you need to be consistent.

Like I said, you've come a long way from the first chapter, have vastly improved your technical ability, and have a good story on your hands. But this new chapter makes me rethink that last part. Remember what I said initially; you need to have an idea of where you're going. that goes for each chapter, not just the story as a whole. You need to have a plan on how you want each chapter to end, and figure out to get there.