6,395 Forum Posts by "TheThing"
At 9/12/10 12:23 PM, TrevorW wrote:At 9/11/10 11:24 AM, gumOnShoe wrote:Could I get comments on my piece then? Its rather short. If not ok :)At 9/11/10 12:53 AM, TrevorW wrote: How would one know if their piece was accepted into the book?I sent pms to people when I accepted their work.
Even if you don't give comments, you should at least tell people their submissions haven't been selected. Nothing is worse then waiting for some kind of notice of acceptance, when you find out that the book is on the way to the printer.
I'm with WB. Titles may be hard, but you need to pick one that's going to represent what your book is about, either the metaphors/symbols in it, or just the overall plot.
For instance, I just wrote a story about a mother who builds a "son" - a giant bowl filled with animals and plants. This son goes off into space to be raised and eventually will land on an empty planet to revive a "dead" planet (has water and air, but no life). It's called "Island in the Sky". Right there you know that this is going to be a deep, philosophical journey of motherhood and the almost magical, seemingly impossible, act of creating and raising a son.
Italian plumber searches for a princess in a fairy-tale land.
At 9/16/10 06:58 PM, IrishGun wrote: Let's break up the arguments about DMC with some horrible business ideas.
That rascal from Activision that we all know and love is considering removing cutscenes from games and having you pay 20-30 dollars for them separately.
I think the first comment on the article sums up my reaction:
"What a super jew".
I understand that there are sometimes 1.5-2 hours or more of cutscenes in a game, but, for the most part, they're needed to have a narrative.
At 9/14/10 12:48 AM, mayeram wrote:At 9/1/10 05:23 PM, jlwelch wrote:We are not a true democracy for the very reason
But see, Glen doesn't think like that. I read his book "Common Sense" about a week ago. He says we're a Republic (a system based on the people electing a representative to do all of the political work, otherwise known was a "political elite"). Yet, in order to save the Republic, we must use the will of the people and democracy (which, as Beck says, will lead to chaos and mob rule, as the people do all of the voting for every law). And let's not touch on him interchanging Communism, Socialism, and Fascism (which is the complete opposite of the first 2).
He can't get his forms of government right - how do you expect him to run one?
Philosophy time, so pull out your pillows.
I think most people are mad at the change because DMC has been around for about 9 years now, and they've grown used to Dante how he's always been. They know it's Dante when they see the white hair and long red coat, not some weak emo kid (seriously, did they model the character on Auschwitz survivors?). He's an icon to them. To the long time, hardcore fans, this is like redesigning Mario. The fans don't want to let go of their image of Dante.
But bitches should shut the fuck up about Cole. He's been around for a year. Suck it up.
At 9/14/10 05:49 PM, TheNewYorkTimes wrote:At 9/14/10 05:48 PM, Gaycied wrote: That party sounds a lot better than Dems or Republican faggots. Hell any party other than those two are great to me.Well, I'm sick of those being the only two parties that can possibly win. Ross Perot was the closest we got for a while to a diferent party. So I agree.
I find it funny that many people cite the 2-party system as why American politics suck, but they can never really give a solid explanation as to why the 2-party system is bad.
Fun fact: Secretary of War is 3rd in line for President if the IFP is in power.
Fun Fact 2: There are a lot of fun political parties out there. My favorite - the Pirate Party.
At 9/13/10 04:17 PM, InsertFunnyUserName wrote: Anyways, this problem is why sketching out your story in an outline before you start writing can be a huge help. It's not a whole lot of fun to do, but it'll be your best friend later on.
I agree. Even if you don't write it down, you should still have where your story is going to start, and where it's going to end, and maybe a few points here and there if it's a longer piece. You can figure out how to get to each point as you write.
At 9/12/10 04:23 AM, TimeBender wrote: Due to my self hating nature, im very nervous about sharing this
Before I read and review this poem, the first I'm going to tell you is that you should never be ashamed or scared to share your work. Even if you're afraid of people hating it or realizing that it's very personal, you should be proud of what you've done, even if it sucks.
Besides, the only way you're going to get better is to share your work and have it torn apart - that's how you learn what to do and what not to do.
Tell me what cha think :)
Well, I'm glad that it's a work in progress - it definitely needs to be expanded to fully explain the central theme of the poem. It's a decent start - the first stanza is the exposition, and the next 2 expand and fortify that. But you don't finish the poem - there's an obvious moral point to this poem (drugs are bad, m-kay?/complacency allows abusers to take power), but you don't have it. Definitely add a few more stanzas.
Grammar nazi time - in this line "Oh, their not clever", it would be "they're", not "their". Also, poems need to have punctuation, even simple ones like this. Also, unless there's something symbolic about the line "Everyone's Happy in Trinity Ville", uncapitalize "happy". And since there's a good metaphor by calling the citizens "Monkeys", you should capitalize "Monkeys" in the third line.
I'm not following the second stanza. First off, all you need in the first line of the stanza is "they get high with ease". Also, "Like Monkey climbing up trees" should be "Like Monkeys climbing trees". Makes it more concise and flows much better. But I'm lost on the metaphor - why are monkeys (or Monkeys, as there's some symbolism there) saving damsels in need? You need to either change the second or third line (I vote third)
Overall, I like, but not love, this piece. I like the simple language and the interesting metaphors, but it definitely needs work. More stanzas are needed to fully realize the message of this poem. Also, focus on word choice - each word is important in a poem, and finding that right word to convey the right idea is tough. And don't forget to proof-read and edit.
At 9/13/10 03:43 AM, Bahamut wrote: As for Halo: Reach, I'm sure I'll hear complaints about the game soon enough.
No you won't. Everyone who's going to buy it is already sucking Microsoft's cock, not realizing that they'll get cummed on. They people who buy it won't see that the single player story and game play is mundane and that the multiplayer is just Halo 3 with jetpacks and a few new guns.
Reach, from what I've seen of the reviews, is somewhere between an expansion pack and a full game. But that won't stop slobbering masses from sucking off Microsoft.
At 9/12/10 09:18 AM, TheMaster wrote: Perfect scores all around for Halo: Reach.
Looks like PS3 is finished.
Not just the PS3 - gaming in general.
At 9/10/10 03:19 PM, gumOnShoe wrote: So, try to get it in. I won't do anything arbitrary that might hurt the book.
That question was mainly for my own piece of mind. I've already submitted my story, but I wasn't sure where I was in the queue.
You know what? I just realized that I never submitted my NG alias along with my story. My story was Island in the Sky, if you were/are wondering.
At 9/10/10 10:48 AM, gumOnShoe wrote: I've accepted somewhere between 4 & 5 right now.
Secondary question. Say you accept the next 5 or 6 that you read (depending on how many more you need). Would you finish reading the rest of the September submissions, or just cut it off after the
6th?
I'm balancing working on my piece and reading. I'll be reading a bunch more this week. I don't know when I'll get back it depends on how long some of the pieces are.
Cool, I'll watch out for any updates.
Just wondering, how many stories are officially in the anthology so far?
And when will those who submitted for September find out whether or not they're in?
At 9/6/10 02:53 PM, BFOverlord wrote: People seem to be in the mindset that a cartridge HAS to be huge and expensive. Think about SD chips and shit, those are a form of cartridge and SURELY thats cheaper to produce than a UMD Disk.
Okay, let's take MGS4 as the example today. It's 50 gigs, a completely filled dual layered Blu-ray disc (look it up yourselves; I'm right).
Now, because flash drive as the cheapest and most common of the "modern cartridge" family, we'll use that. A 64 gig flash drive (the smallest one to contain a MGS4), can run anywere from $125 to $300 at retail. Assuming that the cheapest ones can be made for $50, that's still a significant amount of money for a single game.
In comparison, I can buy 20 Blu-ray discs for $60, or $30 on sale.
It's just too expensive to run on any other format, besides digital download, which won't become the standard until everyone has lightening-fast internet connections. (You'd be surprised at how many people are still on dial-up or don't have the internet at all).
Woah! Spoiler warnings!
Anyway, you need to pick an ending that will satisfy the themes and metaphors of your story. If your story is about the abuse of power, then pick an ending that fits that. But we can't accurately pick which ending is best if we haven't read anything.
I personally have progressed greatly over the years with the help of criticism and a few English classes.
I think when you're first starting out, you tend to be defensive about you're writing. I know I was. You want to show that you are a good writer, and when people trash your writing, it's a bad feeling. You did the best job you could with that piece, and everybody thought it was horrible. You don't see that those people are trying to help you (some more helpful than others).
If I look back at my work, I almost have to laugh. Stuff that I thought was amazingly written is bad. But with every piece, I improved, and it's cool to see my evolution as a writer.
Yeah, my stuff isn't perfect, but it's pretty good, and I'm young; I haven't had all the classes and the practice that professional authors have. but I'll keep plugging away at it and hopefully I'll become great.
At 9/3/10 08:01 PM, ZpLiNtEh wrote: Oh, my, god.
The prophecies are true..
I...I can't believe this. I've been teased far too much for this to be real. I'll wait until I see more before I commit any emotion to it.
At 9/3/10 03:01 AM, Captain-Ben wrote: And that man became a god.
What was wrong, and how did you fix it? I'm heading to college in a few weeks, and I don't want to lose my Triple
This is a great idea, and a good story. First, I suggest that you read through it before you post it here to pick out any spelling, grammar, and/or general mistakes. I saw a few, but I'm not going to point them out. You should be the one to find them.
Secondly, you need to pick the kind of metaphors your character uses. You have this rather poetic, slightly vague metaphors/similes (the kind that I use and like very much), but then you go into concrete, definite metaphors/similes. For example, your character says "spinning in my mind like a F5 tornado" - a direct comparison to a definite thing (you do it again with the Jesus thing). But later, this comes up: "a gentle yet bothersome hum that rang in my ears." This doesn't directly compare itself to anything, unlike the previous one. You should stick to a particular style of figurative language in order to promote a particular style to your story. Otherwise, it tends to create a schizophrenic feeling in the writing.
Otherwise, I thought it was a great story. Is it 100% professional? No, but I don't expect it to be; you're posting it here. But it's a great start for a writer, and with some touch-ups, could be shopped around to get published. Keep writing, both in general and with this story.
At 9/2/10 03:52 PM, Ouchihitme wrote: Let this be a lesson for you Some stuff ain't meant for humans
Just like writing isn't meant for you.
At 9/1/10 03:26 PM, TheMaster wrote: http://kotaku.com/5627010/tokyo-jungle-b rings-a-post-apocalyptic-wildlife-war-to -ps3
GOTY all years.
From the scans, it looks like you can be a fucking velociraptor.
This game could be all kinds of awesome, but it's possible that it will suck. I'll wait until more is out on it before I call GOTY
Although a velociraptor fighting a hippo would be pretty sweet.
At 8/31/10 10:36 PM, huongnd wrote: Wow, I've got a lot of work for me this month, I've already started outlining a story for the Robot Day contest, and now I'm seeing this :)
I know what you mean. I've got to get around to finishing my time machine too.
Also, I was thinking about writing something for the Madness Day contest, but I've been putting so much effort into this that I'm not sure if I'll be able to do a good job on the Madness project. But I think this is a bit more important.
At 8/31/10 02:16 PM, Captain-Ben wrote:At 8/31/10 12:16 PM, Hycran wrote: Walk away from the Reach, you have so much to live for.I don't own a 360, but I liked the little bit of the multiplayer beta I got to play when it came out. It's nowhere near enough to make me consider getting a 360, but I did like it much more than the previous Halo games.
There's nothing innovative in the game though. Jetpacks? Saw them in Warhawk 2 years ago. Special abilities? Saw them in 90% of the Sci-Fi shooters that have come out in the past 3 years. Choosing your starting weapon? 99% of multiplayer games in the last 4 years. Yeah, it's tight and refined, but for a game this hyped, you would think they figured out a way to give you a blow job while you play.
There is one little get-around you may have. I like to post unfinished works online, and once I get some criticism and advice on what should be edited, I'll edit it on my computer, and 9 times out of 10, it won't make it back online. So while a rough version exists for free, an edited version is available to buy. Technically, they aren't the same story, therefore the edited version can be printed.
Finding a literary agent shouldn't be that hard. Look in the phone book or do a google search for UK literary agents.
But you may not need one. You could shop your book around and negotiate a deal yourself. That's all the agent does.
At 8/26/10 06:46 AM, gumOnShoe wrote:At 8/25/10 10:16 PM, TheThing wrote: What if I post my story to another forum (I still keep all the copyrights) to get criticism and help with editing?If the website isn't popular enough that it gets copy pasta'd around the internet, I don't have much problem with it.
Specifically it's the Young Writer's Society. Popular, but not exactly mainstream.
The final version you should try to keep for the anthology.
Like I said, I'll just be posting the rough version there, and the more refined version for the anthology.
Thanks for answering my questions.
At 8/25/10 10:36 PM, EclecticEnnui wrote: No emotion? Not even Mark's behaviour and info of him?
I didn't get much. Like I said, the story just felt kind of there. The backstory of Mark felt like it meant to have emotion, but you did something many writers do - they tell instead of show. Showing is a difficult skill that takes a lot of practice to do well. "Being 32-years-old, he still lived with his mother..." ignoring the improper use of "Being" (that implies it's normal for a 32 year-old to live with his mother), the narrator is telling the reader that he lives with his mother. This sentence has pretty much the same words, but it's showing rather than telling: "The 32-year-old thought about how he still lived with his mother...". Suddenly, we're still in the story, rather than having the narrator pulling us aside to explain Mark's life. It's subtle, and difficult to do.
I might as well explain myself, even though I intended the story to be kind of ambiguous.
It's a bit too ambiguous. I can assume he killed his mother, but nothing really supports it.
Mark killed his mother and is on the run. At the beginning, he is thinking about this and almost crashes his car, which is designed to get the reader's attention.
But you don't put enough emphasis on Mark getting lost in thought. I think all the time while I drive, but I don't almost crash every time. That's not about being vague; that's just not focusing on the right thing.
Besides, the hook is too far into the story for it to be effective. Have it in reverse order; Mark slams on the brakes (get rid of the thing about the other driver), Mark reprimands himself for getting lost in thought while driving his worn 1992 Honda Accord (always speak in definites - no slightly or almost. If you do want to use them, pick a synonym for the whole descriptor), the light turns green and the cars drive off.
Will he crash or not? This motel is a retreat for him, before he either turns himself in or keeps going. Hence, his one week line.
But the reader has no idea what the fuck he was doing on the road in the first place, or why he needs to lay low for a week. I assumed that it was late, and he was too tired to keep driving.
The description of the car and motel add to the mood of the story. (Emptiness and dreariness.) Therefore, they are vital.
Then be consistent with your descriptions. Besides the missing lights in the sign, what else makes the motel dingy? What does it look like from the outside? What about the desk clerk; does he look like a slob? And then you turn around and say the room was clean and tidy. Have it damp, dark, broken, lacking basic motel items (like a tv and a desk and a chair).
I wasn't interested in spoon-feeding readers or, in this case, my assessment's marker answers and information that's obviously vital.
You shouldn't spoon feed the readers, whether the reader is me or a college professor. But you do need to give the reader a spoon and not make them turn the house upside down looking for one.
Why? In hopes that the marker's gonna read a story that's different than the others submitted.
It's good to be different, but you need to make sure you can do different well. Sometimes going with the common choice, but doing an excellent job, is better than doing something different and being average.
Perhaps I could've reworded or removed the description of the inside of the motel, but I think you're dwelling a bit too much upon one sentence.
I only picked that out as an example. I can do it elsewhere, but now isn't the time for that. You can keep it, but go back to the "show not tell" discussion.
I wrote it to further emphasize on its emptiness.
Refer to "consistent descriptions".
but with him being on the run, this room represents what will be (or might be) the last place he'll stay in before losing his freedom by being arrested and charged with murder and the room is nothing special. It's not dirty and messy; it's just OK. The outside of the place isn't even shitty.
But once again, the reader doesn't know that. I have no idea that he killed his mom by this part. Besides, who cares if this will be the last place he'll be free in; I'm not going to look for a Holiday Inn when I'm on the run, I'm just going to go to the first motel I can find. Actually, the shittier the better; they'll have poor record keeping. Even if Mark isn't thinking about that, the room could be a metaphor for his mind; he's retreated into his mind which is a mess psychologically, just as he's retreated into the motel room. That's a good parallel.
I liked your alternative description, but I didn't want Mark to find the Bible right away. . I wanted to have at least several minutes pass, then have him check that drawer to find nothing, which even adds a bit of mood, and find the Bible in the other drawer.
Okay, so just add "he stared into space for a few minutes" in my description, have him explore the entire room first and not finding anything important. As for not finding anything, who cares? To me, it didn't add anything to the mood. He explored the nightstand, and found a Bible. He probably found a phone book too, but I don't care about that. Keep it succinct.
How do you know (about the taser)?
Because I spent 3 minutes on Wikipedia and used my previous knowledge from tv, movies and videos. Apparently my "I'm no expert" tag gave the impression that I was pretending to know about tasers.
Because this is a short story, I didn't see the big deal of saving Mark's development to the end.
That's not development, that's exposition. And with short stories (especially ones this short), you need to get out as much about the character as you can in the beginning.
I liked there being mystery to him. The fact that he nearly caused a car accident because he wasn't paying attention to the road, checks into a motel for a seemingly unknown purpose, and shocks himself for pleasure, are reasons why I thought readers might take interest in him.
But there's no basis for any of those actions. Yeah, I'm wondering what he's so engrossed in while driving, or why he checks into the motel, or why he's shocking himself. But not very much. And, as I've said before, you don't provide enough information for me to be certain enough that he killed his mom.
I actually had a limit of two pages for the assessment and wrote one and three quarters. Maybe I could've wrote a little more, like given one piece of detail that Mark's mother is dead.
Knowing that this had to be very short also helps in the review. But yeah, you could have had some flashbacks to vague things like blood on the walls, his mother on the floor, etc. And had you kept it succinct, you would have had more room to write.
There's nothing wrong with breaking the conventions. They shouldn't be mandatory because then stories would likely be predictable.
All stories, whether predictable or not, need to have some story telling elements. It's not a story without the basic elements. You can have very little exposition and rising action, have the climax early, then have a lot of falling action and conclusion. Not a predictable format. Breaking conventions would be like a fantasy story without a hero. What you wrote was 1/2-3/4 of a story.
I also find the word emo to be derogatory when describing someone with mental problems.
I've had depression and my dad has PTSD (and has manic-depression friends who I know). I'm qualified to call Mark an emo. Besides, anyone who inflicts pain on themselves is considered an emo.
What kind of an 8th grader seriously writes a story like this?
I review a lot of stuff here. I know how most 13-15 write, and it's not good.
It's good to have dialogue between a critic and a storyteller.
I'm just doing what I can to help you out.
I'll let you know if I get in.
I'd like to know; I want to see if the assessors and I have the same opinion.
When the winners were announced, it even got an honourable mention.
I was 1 review away from making the top 3 in October (would have averaged an 8+ if it wasn't for one five)
Alright, I'm going to start with the things most easily fixed first.
This really isn't 2 chapters; it's more like 1, and that's one short chapter. Even for a serial on Newgrounds it's short. Combine these 2 chapters and chapter 3. While that may seem like a long part to you, I can knock something like that out in 30 minutes, so it seems like you just aren't putting any effort into this. Even if you are, the short chapters don't convey that.
Each line of dialog should start it's own paragraph. Even if there's narration afterward, each line needs start a new line. Speaking of which, you need to break up this wall of text with paragraphs. See how I have a space between each paragraph? Do the same. And try to keep each idea within a paragraph; for example, you should break up the breakfast scene by having one paragraph of Pak eating and the second of him thinking about escaping. The third paragraph would be him in the yard planning his escape with Me Hai.
Third, you shouldn't need an introduction. You should be able to convey whatever you put in the introduction through the story. Try having the story open with Pak entering the slave camp, and describe what he sees (is this place in the middle of a forest or a desert? What are the buildings like? How many boys are working, and what kind of work are they doing?). When he gets there, have him befriend Me Hai, then have some boy get caught trying to escape and have him hung. This sets up why Pak is there, why Me Hai is his friend, and the repercussions of running away.
You also need to slow down a bit. You move so fast, it's hard to keep track of all of the action. First he's eating breakfast, then he's immediately doing chores. Get a transition in there. It could be as simple as "the guards separated the boys into work groups and led the crowd out to do the daily chores." But it needs to be a big sentence that tells the reader "hey, the setting is changing and something else is going to happen".
This last one is the hardest, and takes a lot of practice to master - show, not tell. Going back to the breakfast scene, rather than saying that "The food on the wooden plate was a boiled egg", write that "Pak was served his meal. He looked down at his boiled egg, overcooked and tough piece of meat and cup of dirty water with indifference." Suddenly you have the character showing you rather than the narrator telling you. Same with the ending - just have it end with "Pak didn't feel the landing because he landed in a dark void." Don't tell us that he's unconscious; the reader can figure it out.
That's as much as I'm going to rip into this right now. I think there's enough right there for you to work on and fix for either these 2 chapters or the next few.
