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So it reminds me of the Power Rangers, with each color representing each personality. Though the color choices are overused in my opinion with red being aggressive, blue is intellectual, green is athletic, etc. But it seems strange that you have two characters who lose their mothers due to being deported.

Your website looks rather professional. Good Luck :)

Hello :) It's very short, so there's very little to critique.

Are you planing to continue with this story, if so you should have at least a basic plan of where you want the plot to go. For instance, this could turn into a horror plot with the man in the headphones being a dangerous psychopath; or this could become a comedy, slice of life, or action-thriller. If you have an idea of where you want to go, it will make the writing process much easier.

And you should probably capitalize the letter I whenever it's used.

(And P.S. I like your "Sting" pic at the bottom :)

Well you need to post excerpts from it, or give us an overview of the plot. And do you want general writing tips, a review/critique, help brainstorming, or feedback on specific things?

Good Luck :)

It reminds me of a short story called Flowers for Algernon (I think that's what it was called.) It's worth a read.

Sounds interesting :)

A while back I had some ideas for a Dragon Ball Z parody. Maybe I'll work on it a while. I'll check out your Youtube channel. :)

I sent these in my local paper, I don't know if they will go in yet. If anyone knows of any satire news things I could submit to, that would be great :)

(Some backstory, I live in NC and the General Assembly passed anti gay laws.)

The NC Senate passes bill to remove the word 'Gay' from the Flintstones theme song.

Thom Tillis spoke to a large gathering at the Capitol Building, "We've just passed a bill to protect marriage between a man and a woman, as depicted in a childrens cartoon. For decades we have listened to the Flintstones peddle their smut. 'When you're with the Flintstones you'll have a gay old time?' That sounds like they are insinuating some kind of gay-human talking-dinosaur prehistoric sex party!" The Bill states that all Flintstones rebroadcasts in North Carolina must change the lyric to '...and have a heterosexual old time.'
Later in the speech, Tillis claimed that they aren't completely anti-Flintstones. "We do agree with some parts of the Flintstones. They show humans and dinosaurs co-existing, so we use this show as proof against evolution."
Tillis lastly said, "Once this bill becomes law, we will then focus on changing our species name to 'Hetero Sapien.'"

People Magazine has chosen the Editor of People Magazine as Sexiest Man of the Year

Steve Bridges, Editor in Chief of People, recently spoke about being chosen. "It's not that surprising," Bridges said while brushing Cheetos crumbs off his shirt. "Readers seem to believe, every little thing we publish, from fashion tips, celebrity gossip, they even buy our overpriced clothes.
We even got readers to think that spray-on orange tans and twerking are popular, soat this point I feel like a deity. So I just figured that 'sexy' is whatever we say it is."
Other Hollywood stars are already jumping on this trend. Johnny Depp was seen eating an entire 64 ounce jar of Nutella. And A-lister Matt Damon was caught getting reverse lipo-suction and wrinkle transplants.
However, it was a very close decision, he only won by one vote. Though it was the only vote. Bridges will have a full spread in the middle of the issue. It shows a risque centerfold of him showing off his round belly, vericose veins, balding head, and his trademark angry scowl.

I liked how you started early with action and didn't start with two pages of exposition explaining the world.

I think your Protagonist may be too powerful, if this is the beginning of a larger story. (Unless you show his backstory in flashbacks or something.) And even though he is powerful, it's kind of absurd that he would be allowed as a bounty hunter at 15. Especially one that throws a student through a wall for insulting him. Parts of the brain that specialize in judgement and self-control don't fully form until 25. (Though that's just my opinion, and this is fictional...)

And I was confused by what was happening when the Police Officer jumped into the scene. At first I was confused whether the Protagonist shot and stabbed him, or the target at the end, or both of them. The language was rather vague.

Good Luck :)

I liked it, but I would like to see more description about the setting. Was it during the winter or the spring, was it in the woods or grassland, how was the weather?

Nice short horror story, but I think it ended too abruptly.

Hmmm... Rather depressing. The twist at the end surprised me.

There is too little to go on for a decent critique. But I'll give it a try. :)

Who is the Protagonist, and how are they involved in the plot? You need an interesting lead for anything you're writing.

Does the main plot take place in Seattle or Detroit? And what is the main plot?

Your current story seems to revolve around going insane if you don't use a helmet while driving, but what if you're driving a car? If it's that big a problem wouldn't everyone just use a helmet? Even without the insanity thing, driving a motorcycle without a helmet is rather stupid.

I think it might be more effective if it's something from the fumes or something that affects people. So it can harm bystanders like second-hand smoking.

Good Luck :)

Sure :) I copied and pasted this from a great english blog: http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative1/showing/

"7 Simple but Effective Tips for More Engaging, Persuasive Writing

Don’t just tell me your brother is talented… show me what he can do, and let me decide whether I’m impressed. To convince your readers, show, don’t just tell them what you want them to know.

There. I’ve just told you something. Pretty boring, huh? Now, let me show you.

My brother is talented.

There’s nothing informative, or engaging, or compelling about this sentence. You have no reason to believe or disbelieve me, and no reason to care. (TELLING is boring and unconvincing.)

My brother modifies sports car engines, competes in ballroom dance tournaments, and analyzes chess algorithms.

“Wow, that guy is talented,” you say to yourself. You didn’t need me to TELL you what you’re supposed to think, because I carefully chose those details. (They SHOW you the range of my brother’s talents.)"

The rest of the article is great, and it really helped my writing.

When you say short film, do you mean flash animation or a script for a short video? Your format will change how your script should be formatted.

What is your Protagonist's goal? He doesn't seem very proactive in the plot so far.

How does the Neurogram affect the plot, what does it do, and how is it connected to Harold?

If your plot is mostly about Harold being abducted and put in this holographic world, I assume it is, then I would shorten everything before it.

One of my favorite writing tips is 'Show don't tell', if there is a 'technological controversy' I think it would be better for the audience to learn about it as the plot progresses. An infodump where Harold learns all about what's going on through his sister's blog would probably bore the audience.

This is a link to the edited version on the newspaper's page: http://mountainx.com/opinion/asheville-disclaimer-100114/

I wrote this for my local paper, the Asheville Xpress. This is the unedited version.

Local Schools Implement "Positive Bullying"

In the latest PTA meeting, the Asheville School System announced their new stance on bullying. They said, "Bullying has always been a negative force in students lives. Victim's test scores fall, they lose self esteem, and they become emotionally damaged. We have tried, and failed, to stop bullying over the years so we are starting a new strategy. Instead of stopping bullying, we are bribing bullies to bully classmates into being better students."
They then brought out local bully, Wally Higgins, to demonstrate. Wally said, "You made a D on your exam? You BETTER study more!" while shaking his fist. "Fatty, give me your lunch money... so I can buy you some healthy snacks!" Even emotional problems were addressed. "Believe in yourself... OR ELSE!" "Hey loser, you should have more self esteem."
The crowd reacted positively, though a couple of parents were skeptical of the new plan. But Wally soon bullied them into leaving.

Can someone message a mod to ban uhnomal3?

No offense, but this seems idiotic. There is already a great writing guild on NG, why are you starting another one? Because you didn't want to choose between the Alpha and Omega things? Really?

And how is this one be different from the other one? The only differences are that yours is called a 'gag' for some reason, and that you're obviously insane.

I enjoyed it. It was short, and easy to follow.

http://www.newgrounds.com/dump

I'm really interested in writing for the Anthology. I missed the earlier Skype meeting.

-Plot: Where are you going to take the story long term? There are so many options, it's hard to give a review without knowing what you are planning.

For instance, if you wanted a Manga type plot:
In the beginning of the Polybius game, in the Character Select, Snow could choose Grell. And then the plot becomes about each 'character' trying to defeat the others, Battle Royale style, until there is one 'winner' that beats the game. She meets other 'players', some try to team up, but they are competitors at the same time.

Or a Pure Psychological Thriller:
Snow is being hunted by demons from another realm, and Grell defends her for unknown reasons. And Snow suspects Grell's reasons may not be for her benefit. While her friends and family cannot see or feel the demons, and they believe she is losing her mind.

Or a Transformation plot:
Snow is slowly turning into a demon, and must do something plot related to stop the transformation.

-Also how is the format going to be? I assume flash animation, but are you planning a long series with 15+ episodes? Or will you wrap the story up in one or two short animations? How long will you make each episode?

-Story: I think that the end is too revealing, and it's too much of an 'info-dump.' Not explaining everything in the plot usually adds to the mystery or mystique of the story. There is a balance to achieve, you want the audience to understand what's going on, but it's better to let show the readers more of the world and plot as the story goes along. It may be better to give Snow enough info so she knows what to do, but not who made the Polybius machines, or the larger plot.

-Dialogue: Parts still felt stilted, ["THE ONLY THING I’M IN DANGER OF IS YOU IN MY HOUSE, LEAVE ME ALONE!"] In that situation, no one would say that. Especially if Grell looks like a demon or something. And others have way too much info to take in. Try Googling the writing term, 'Show don't tell'.

Try this forum instead http://www.newgrounds.com/collab

It's for people that want to collaborate with others.

Some of the dialogue doesn't sound believable. For instance, "[W]hat happened to the person browsing your wears," doesn't sound realistic.

I like the mood you are trying to set, the darkness really lends to the story. I would love to see Snow's mental problems affect her like the protagonist in the movie, 'Black Swan'. I would like to see others who have played the Polybius machine before her as empty emotional shells, or act like a cornered animals.

I would like Snow's, and her friends, personalities to be more distinct from the beginning. Her and her friends seem rather wooden. (Though I know it is still early in the plot.)

Does the tournament scene need to be there? Tournaments are fun, but it seems to take away from the focus of the story. A huge crowd scene like that has a different mood from your, isolated, dark, main plot.

And by the way, I like your picture of L on your profile page. I am a giant fan of Death Note. : )

The user rack2014 keeps posting threads that advertise racking systems. http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/forum/18

Can a Mod ban him or get him to stop?

So what is the gameplay of your Polybius like? According to rumors, the original was kind of a 3D puzzle game, with flashing colors and constant movement. I am assuming yours is like an arcade fighting game like Street Fighter.

Will the gameplay of the arcade game in the real world be like being in this 'other' realm? For instance, will the beings in this realm fight each other like in the game, and do they have a reason for fighting?

And if this is supposed to take place in 60's and 70's in Portland, those names are quite unrealistic. "Snow", and "Diago" seem like something out of a manga. It's not really a problem, but it might take some readers out of the story a bit. I'm also not sure if Snow is a boy or a girl, Snow seems like an androgynous name.

So far, this script could go in a multitude of ways. So it's hard to give advise or a critique without more to go on. But here are some questions:

Will Snow actually go into this realm?

What is the reason for the game, do its makers have a sinister motive?

Is there a chance that the demons could come into this world?

Are all of the demons in Snow's head, does the game make them crazy?

What does Snow's goal in the plot?

Good Luck : )

Listen to the free podcast Writing Excuses. Four writers talk about an aspect of writing each week and give tips and techniques to help aspiring writers. It's helped my writing considerably. WritingExcuses.com

You only gave one sentence of description. How are we supposed to know?

You should contact the developer and ask them exactly what they want, and what you expect in return. Communication is very important in a collaboration, so you should talk to them.

Post this to http://www.newgrounds.com/collab instead of the Writing Forum.

And I don't mean to be insulting, but you should work on your grammar. If you claim to be an experienced writer, try to present yourself more professionally.

At 8/18/14 06:55 PM, spharks wrote: I am planning an animation, am from a country where a very good animation makes the whole place bubble. Well, I have a short script but I need someone to help me comeup with short scripts for weekly episode.

I'm guessing English isn't your native language. I suggest that you show previous animations, or list your flash skills before you try to get collaborators. If you show that you have art skills or abilities then it will be easier to find people.

Also you should post this on newgrounds.com/collab/ instead of here. Hope this helps!

They probably want you to come up with a story or plot idea for a game or animation.