This is for all of you who missed church last Sunday.
THE BIBLE
-First there is nothing; then there is God. (Note: this is highly disputed.)
-Second there is nothing; then there is God. (Note: All good stories have two beginnings.)
-God gets lonely and makes man. (Note: This is also considered God's first mistake. [Sub Note: God is perfect.])
-Man gets lonely and God creates woman from man. (Note: Man later reverses the process.)
-Woman is tempted by snake and eats forbidden fruit. (Note: Hey, it sounds dirty in the Bible too...)
-Man and woman thrown violently from Garden of Eden. (Note: God is all forgiving...wait...)
-A lot of other stuff happens.
-Moses hits a rock and water shoots out of it.
-More stuff happens.
-Echo falls in love with Narcissus and- oops, wrong notes...
-Noah creates the first floating zoo and kills unicorns by accident. (Note: These notes do not follow any particular order.)
-Abraham is sterile but has a bunch of kids. (Note: Vasectomies are only 99.9% guaranteed.)
-Lucifer rejects God and makes the Kingdom of Hell. (Note: Dante lied, it's actually quite nice down there.)
-God kills everyone; a bunch of times. (Note: God is all forgiving.)
-God has a tantrum and throws lightning around. A stray bolt hits a rock next to Moses and writes out a bunch of petty laws.
-More stuff happens.
-A virgin has a baby named Jesus. (Note: Virginity is only 99.9% guaranteed.)
-Jesus grows up and tells a lot of stories. (Note: "Boy who Cried Wolf" was also written around this time.)
-Jesus falls prey to politicians and is nailed to a cross.
-Jesus makes bread and fish appear. (Note: Jesus was slated as best magician of the era, but was beaten by Aristotle.)
-Paul writes a bunch of letters.
-The end.
- God kills everyone again.