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This is about 3 - 4 years old, this was actually remade into a song that my best friend played at only one concert and actually one of the best songs he had… sadly he neglected it :P his loss xD

My Bright Light

seems like i can't find my place
i am alone, a stranger
wondering around in the dark
looking for the light
lights are flickering and disappears when i get there

i see a bright light
it gets weaker every moment i spend
looking and admire it
it's moving, it's moving away from me
it's to fast

please come back
you are the only light
that can light up my way

may it be some day

too lost, i search like a blind man after the bright light
i've lost track
lost my mind
please be kind help me through these times
where darkness rules,
light my path,
like you were the only light i ever had

Age of Love

As he writes down the words of love
He ponders wether his love have an age
Like if every year he spent was just a turn of page
Like if everyone was either behind or far ahead
in their pages of the book of life

He twist, he turns
Another night has gone sleepless
His nights are sleepless as his thoughts turns to her
He wonders, he ponders
about if this book of life is even real
If so, do we really judge the book
by the pages or the cover?

Every day is a word, where every hour is a letter
Every night is a dream coming true
but those are only dreams that lie
Every year turns a page, that we rarely look back on
For all the mistakes that have been made
brings shame to mind

As the words of love have been written
he still wonders wether his love have an age
And what will be written as he turns to the next page
Does it really matter?
Wether you're behind or ahead on your pages?
and what your age is?

Time stood still as I absorbed his every movement, every word, everything.

So, i really like this poem and I'm not really set to critique right no as i am a bit sleepy. Though one thing confuses me a bit, throughout the whole poem the "I" person (which i assume is you) are talking about a "her" throughout the entire poem and this little thing just happened… did she just become a man or is this on purpose like it can be both man and woman? or are you into some freaky shit? xD

I dedicate this threat to all my poems, so i'll put most of my poems in here future "projects" or whatever you want to call it (like "Idle Stan", which I'm still working on), which i'll be making a thread for that single "project" that there are probably going be made several poems as a series in that particular "project". I'll be happy if anyone will leave a comment, that might be critique or something positive, wether its a negative comment or not, i'll try to work on those issues in future writing.

If you wonder about anything specific like, "whats the story behind this?" or whatever it might be, i will probably PM you instead of answering here on this thread :)

The first poem will come up shortly and is one that i've written only a few minutes ago and then i'll put in an older poem that i've made about 3 years ago. Please sit back, relax and i hope you enjoy my work, more will come soon :) some new, some old. I'll maybe post some more of my older work if i can find it :P

At 1/28/14 04:51 PM, Kylpault wrote: This is far above what you normally write. There's a typo with reaper and some inconsistent capitalization but it's not really that big a deal in my eyes.

I liked the use of free verse. There were a few lines that still felt like rhymes that made it easier to read aloud, although the last line in the first stanza seemed to break out of rhyme somehow. I dunno, I just felt odd. Maybe experimenting with different types of rhyme in a replacement last line (near rhyme, something other than end rhyme or maybe even end rhyme, ect.). However that's only one line out of the entire poem.

I could imagine Idle Stan to be a military term of some sort that represents something to do with morals on the battlefield. It raises interesting and deep questions. Whenever something devious happens, I'm going to wonder what Idle Stan would think of that.

You've changed how I look at life a bit. I would say the poem is a success.

awww THANK YOU!! made all fuzzy inside and I'm proud of that i was able to change your look on life a bit! and i don't really like making excuses for making typos, but i made this while attending school and i didn't really get to check for typos and such, which kind of ruined it for myself :P More of Idle Stan will hopefully be written soon, maybe in another century, scenery or a little twist who know? (obviously me but whatever :P )

ehm...wow..i guess.. this is both deep and dark and you leave me to think that you might need a shrink xD jk, its good :)

At 1/28/14 01:24 PM, MilesTailsPrower10 wrote: The images you create for the reader are lucid and you make Idle Stan seem very austere.
I can imagine a person standing in the middle of a huge war, unaffected by his surroundings.

well either he is very austere or he is stunned and just shit his pants without knowing :P
also i see Idle Stan as kind of a spectator, he might be anything you want him to be, a warrior or a pacifist.
the way i see him as a spectator is like when we play CoD or any other online war game where you are able to spectate as other players slaughter each other, just only point being that he is really there on the scene of the poem.

Stan is his name of an idle man

i spotted a mistake i overlooked it's suppose to say "Stan is the name of an idle man"

This will be the story of Idle Stan in poems. i'll probably make a few more poems of Idle Stan. of course i'd appreciate any critique so that i have something to focus on for the next poem :)

Idle Stan

Idle he stands upon the ground,
the grass, the sands, the jungle floor,
in the concrete jungle city and upon the field of battle
the name of this idle man, they call him Stan
he is a fictional person that nobody would care about

Stan is his name of an idle man
standing still with his rifle on his shoulder
and a baby, crying for its mother, in his hands
a beautiful flower in his hair, the reapper tattooed
on his left shoulder and his faceless mother on the other

Stan stands idle while bullets fly by,
bombs are dropped and makes craters around him
Soldiers fall all around, casualties are high
but idle he stands as were this only a breeze

Idle Stan they call him, for idle he only stands
as civilians starve and die by his side
Stan is what they called him
stand is what he do
idle is when he is going nowhere
for Stan his name is and fictional he is too

STOP PLAYING WITH MY EMOTIONS!!! its so good! ffs how do you do it?! xD

i like it, though I'm having trouble getting the rhythm right, i kinda fall of a few time on the way. Other than that i like it and it is pretty decent :) keep up the work

i hate to say this but i really hate this poem, it is horrible all the way through... jk its great work! i love how you've cooperated a number of different meanings into the poem depending on how you see the poem, one is "deep" where one has to think just a bit about it where another more obvious meaning of the poem is going from cold to the lovely summer warmth.

i love the way you play with words and describe the different details in the start of the poem. It is really well thought out all of it. god you're quite the writer! :)

My friend asks if you are willing to pay for the artwork for this?

I have a friend that might be interested :)

At 1/26/14 07:14 PM, Kylpault wrote: I'm the exact opposite of the two above me. I really don't give a damn about whether a poem has a deep meaning. This was an actual experience.

It does not have to have a deeper meaning. Though more wordplay and a more colorful language should be used. I can't get any kind of rhythm whilst reading the poem, it just became a dull read. also i don't know how much of a poem it is when it is so much straight to the point as this, for me it is almost as first person character describing a scene within a plot of some novel. but what i am saying is that it is good to kinda talk around the subject at matter ( if that makes any sense? ), not much but just a little so that the reader doesn't fall off half way through thinking "when is it going to end". or use one or more metaphors in the poem that might catch the readers attention, the metaphor doesn't have to be repeated more than once or at all. just so that the poem gets…like an uplifting or so.

and you have done it once again, damn you're good! :D i have absolutely no critique. it is truly astonishing work right there, i am really amazed by your talent at writting! :) it is very enjoyable reading your stuff :)

Ok, to start with you got some good rhymes in it, but that is about it. I having a hard time reading it as a poem, can you try to describe to me how you read it? like in any rythmic sans or something?
also there is nothing in this poem that makes me wonder about anything at all, the only thing i wonder about is, if this even is a poem? not to be harsh but it really looks more to me like a draft from a novel or something. (you could remake it into a novel! i see a potentionaly good story there! :P )

you don't have to write such big stanzas, but if you do, you'll need something that really catches the readers attention. bend the words or the sentences and really play with the words, otherwise it will become to dull and really unenjoyable to read. also a little tip for you, some words doesn't need to be grammatically correct, you can either remake the word so it fits your poem or jeg put in another form if you get me. If you have any questions, want some help or just want have a review of your stuff, just PM me, i'll gladly help with anything :)

i like it, i like a whole lot! you should write more! if you can make some sort of continuation or maybe do it for an action figure this would be cool :D i really like how you in some places are able to put in a few rhymes. I have nothing bad to say about it, it is truly really good, though i have one single question: how long did you work on this?
this kinda made me want to watch toy story again...

well, its close enough, i haven't really had a relationship since i was 13 really. But i like the way you think of it and it could very well be about a lover's relationship :)

and i can more or less agree with you that i too read it in a monoton and boring way, which is kind of sad. i have no real response to anything you've said, its pretty spot on and i do agree with you :)

A faint light
but i will follow
i can’t see the road that i’ve taken
i won’t stop
for anything
at any cost,
for the light that i claim mine

shadows forming
it is a loners walk
in the dark
where only shadows see
what is to be
there is a faint light
and i can see it

now i have set a path
for it to be in
please light up my way
show me a beautiful day
and let the shadows
go into disarray

there is a faint light
and i can see it
i can feel them creeping
i won’t start sleeping
til lights shine over me
like it was meant to be

well to start with the way you read it, is mostly if not absolutely right. The only part where i really pause is in the start where it says "we fear the fight" and then there is a slight pause, not a long one, like if you were about to gather enough courage to say the next line or do something amazing, if you get my catch. otherwise you read it quite right and after each line (the one you made) there should be a slight pause.

and now that you mention the word "and", i do have a problem when writing, for some reason i wan't to use "and" and "but" a whole lot in some poems, which is quit annoying.

also the very start may also have been about this one girl that i like, i spent a whole day with her (haven't asked her out yet) and i just couldn't sleep that night until 5 am. so it is both motivated by the tragedy of my girl friends loss and my own stuff.

and thanks for your review, it is quite constructive :)

Wow, just wow! really this is good stuff! i really love this poem :) i really have nothing more to say kylpaut hasn't already said, though i do disagree with that the flow was rough. for me it was just right, though the variation of the line length also bothered me a little. otherwise this is a really good poem.

Ok this is pretty neat, i'd really love to hear this rapped, i have no real critique for this, i just think that it is absolutely rad! :D

i'm not sure how to review this, as i haven't really reviewed anything before. Though i'd like to say that i am not sure how i read the poem, it seems more like some sort of novel to me, though ofc. it is not. i like that you managed to put in a few rhymes in it. It is fairly simple and straight forward, it is easily understandable and your message is pretty clear. Though there is nothing really that makes me wonder and ponder. it just does not make one wonder and think "woow that is amazing" as you are already explaining most of it straight forward, if you get me :) also i will gladly review any of your work as long as you say yourself return the favor :)

The Loss

We fear the fight
But fight the fear
For what we love
We fight for a cause
That is our own

Let none take
What is yours
We win
We lose
And let it never shatter you whole

We share moments
That will forever be bound to our hearts
The days, hours and minutes
That will never fade
And may it forever stay

Cherish your loved
and the lost
may your memory
be a happy one
and let sadness
be swiped from thought

Remember you're never alone

This i had written to a friend of mine that lost her father not long ago to cancer.

At 1/23/14 08:08 PM, Kylpault wrote: It's pretty decent. I couldn't grasp the meaning or any real significance, so I do have to criticize for being too pretentious. There wasn't any rhymes but you managed pretty well without them for it flowed very good and some word choices sound nice when read, plus you used several writing devices in a way that benefits the poem. That is, when you figure out how the poem is meant to be read. The short lines really broke up the poem. If you read two lines as one though you get a nice read. The words are less there to have meaning and more to have sound, or at least that's what I felt. Rhythmic instrument instead of lead.

Hello, i really thank for the critique, I'm new here to new ground and i've tried to share some of my poems across the internet without any luck as they didn't really give shit about poems and such. also i haven't had real critique yet neither which i am happy that you just did, so thank you for that :) but as to go as far as calling it pretentsious, i don't know, if i am to explain the meaning of it, it would be like this: Normally when we all start we all look at some blank page, thigh what i am talking about in this poem is that i am actually writing my emotions down, very soon after they have been written, these feelings and emotions just change when they're seen on paper. This to me means "change" there for the "new beginning". the paper or the page seems empty to me since those emotions have changed. therefor the last two sentences i mean that i keep writing and the feelings keep changing as i write, so it becomes unfamiliar? I'm not absolutely sure how to describe it. Also this is a first time of it being "deep" in a long time. i've kinda been out of the loop for a long time now and i haven't really written anything so this is one of the first in a while :)

A gaze upon a blank page
A mind filled with doubt
Thoughts ruining the sleep
for the sleepless
With thoughts of
What if?
Why not?
And should i really do it?

A blank page
is all he sees
A page filled with emotions
where none are to be seen
Blank is the paper
to his eyes
He only sees between the lines

Where common folk
see a poem
He only see a paper blank
A new beginning
A new end
With more to be written
But none to be seen