The way you made it is okay, but it doesn't really have anything that really catches attention. It's slightly repetitive, it has little build up, and sounds a bit scattered. I do have to give major props for your transitions, however. They flowed seamlessly.

Maybe if you gave a bit more of a musical beat, it would sound more put together? Just a thought.
And woah, your second attempt!? Pretty good for being a second attempt. Keep on trying!