You were right
You are correct, in this form the song sounds a bit rough around the edges (more than a bit in a few spots; I'm sure you know which), and it does have a feeling of unpolished to it.
However, much like a precious stone, when polished, does this piece shine. The instrumentation here is once again excellent, and I loved how you were able to capture a feeling of tension through the music. Excellent use of both brass and dissonance; I thought that was rather well done.
I feel that the first screeching chord coming in on the strings was a bit TOO abrupt, I think it needed a second more to build up into the segue for the fanfarish intro and the rest of the song.
Aside from that, I feel that this piece is very much well done, and very enjoyable.