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[PKE/ILX] Aftershock

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Credits & Info

4.49 / 5.00

Jan 17, 2017 | 5:06 PM EST
File Info
652 x 1000 px
2.7 mb

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Author Comments

so I've been struggling a bit

Well since I accidentally gave myself my first frontpage apparently, I guess I owe a few tidbits of explanation:

- Yes, these messages are real. Straight from my good ol telly-phoner.
- Yes, this was incredibly painful as fuck to make. I probably cried a lot.
- I have mixed feelings knowing I got a frontpage but I have to remember it by this.
- Powerful art is pain.



Rated 5 / 5 stars

ARyan with real meaning hold real power behind it


Rated 4.5 / 5 stars

I wish the very best for you. I have friends with depression, and some even took the permanent solution, and I really don't want anyone to go through the same pain of losing a friend that I've had. So please stick around. And keep making art. Regardless of anything else, you are good at that, and I'd love to see more work from you.


Rated 4.5 / 5 stars

Trust is sacred.


Rated 5 / 5 stars

I don't like giving out 5 stars because I feel like it's saying the artist can't improve, but I'll say you got your meaning across effectively and elegantly and I really don't think the expression of this piece could be improved beyond the astounding thing it is.

It's gutsy too to take such a personal experience and make it into something tangible and even more so to place it on display. Folks like their masks and putting yourself out there like this has my respect.

I'm sure you're going to get lots of folks being supportive of the cause of this art, which is good I suppose. I'm not too keen to try myself as I doubt I can really understand everything from the picture so I feel like it'd be a genuine but hollow attempt at consolation but all the same I do hope things get better for you. I'd rather people be brought up than brought low. Still, I think it's my duty to comment on the art moreso than the artist, right?

With that in mind, I love this piece because of its relatability. The push and pull of life, the chaos of abused trust and the comfort of someone reliable.... It encompasses these ideas.

To comment on a part of the message though, I never enjoyed the concept of 'deserve'. It's a relevant idea to living, but I feel people follow it too closely and is a way to anchor people to their past. I know I deserve some seriously bad things for what I've done. People I've hurt intentionally or not and what have you. And I've missed opportunities in life which could be the flipside. That being said, I regret and apologize and stuff, and I forgive in kind as best I can. For me, life isn't about who deserves what, but rather moving on to take advantage of the opportunities you can and just making the best of what's available.

So, personally, as a fan of this work, I'd be delighted to see a follow-up piece that leaves 'deserve' behind.

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Kerrts responds:

I appreciate the 5, d00d. But I do agree with you on the improvement thread: I feel the same way about most art. As my instructor puts it - the technical art is never finished. Getting to the point is what truly matters.

You're also right on the support bit, and I absolutely 100% respect you on that stance. I'd much rather people be honest than spout that broken record bullshit, because it's nothing personal to anyone but you are correct in that it just doesn't do much but make me feel worse when it doesn't improve. I know that's awfully nihilistic, but this healing process will be one that can honestly only be addressed by my own willingness to heal and the help of professionals. That is nothing personal but I will always appreciate the sentiment. Always. Thank you.

That back and forth chaotic pull is exactly what I was aiming for, because that's what it feels like. Over my life, I've developed a pretty rough case of dissociative identity disorder. I fight that push and pull every day already, like having two entire consciousnesses shoved in one brain and neither of them agree on anything - let alone get along. The events of my life in 2016 have only exaggerated that and have given them something else to fight about, and if they were tangible humans, it would be an absolutely bloody encounter. I like to think that someone out there can somewhat relate, and apparently they can judging by the frontpage.

As far as deserving, that is where I am emotionally. It may not be wrong or right. I don't know. But a follow up will likely not be available for a very long time. Maybe years. Likely decades. I'm sure eventually, but definitely not soon.


Rated 5 / 5 stars

If these messages are from a boy/girlfriend it is obviously best for you to distance yourself from them. I've been in a relationship where my girlfriend would say/act like she loved me then within moments would start tearing me down. In the end I realized she was broken, not me.

If these are coming from family, I am deeply sorry. The only real way I know of to overcome a situation like that is to grow up and move out. Which takes time that we often don't feel like we have.

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Kerrts responds:

Actually, I intentionally left the messages the color they were from my phone to indicate that they are two separate people, and this is me handling the PTSD "Aftershock" (roll credits) of being in a new relationship that isn't disgustingly toxic and painful. He is a wonderful man, but I am learning that I don't have to be scared and anxious anymore. It's taking a lot out of me to keep it together.

I will say that since I was assaulted with my own tablet, the kids and I have since relocated to a new and safe home where our presence is appreciated, and their father is seemingly starting to accept that his ego did not call my bluff and I actually left for good. Although I could absolutely be wrong and it could all just backpedal (because it has a few times), so I'm remaining guarded and not getting too hopeful.

It's very hard to not be paranoid of the world when someone you spent 6 years of your life with and trusted with everything has convinced you that you are nothing but trash. Regardless of whether that's true or not, it still hits low.